grinand bearit

DITTO...DITTO...DITTO! IT WILL GET WORSE AND THE "I'M SOOO SORRY" WILL STOP. CUT YOUR LOSSES. Grin

Alona, where are you, what's been going on? It's been awhile and I hope you are well and just busy with other things. let us know... Grin

Alona - How are you? ?? I haven't been here for awhile but I have thought of you. Let us know what's going on please...I hope you have been able to stay away and safe. Anytime you need support (and we all do), give us a shout. ] Be well - grin

Me,too...close to a year now and I have no interest in looking fo a new guy. Friends encourage me, but I know I'm not there yet. Someday, I hope I am because this does me no good. You, too, will eventually, I hope, be able to pull your head out of your a** and realize that the person you loved so much thought little enough of you to just leave without the slightest kindness. And even if you never look for, or accidentally (because fate sometimes does things to us) find another love, you can do what I do and find again who you were when you were alone before; spend time with friends, look for opportunities to be useful in this life, in your community, for instance. I wish you well...all of us in this place - grin

Hi ladies - I know the story...I had a guy who wasn't perfect by any means, far from it; but, he was intelligent, attractive, educated, well empl0yed, capable, sensual, etc., and I loved him, warts and all. I would have stayed for the long run. I expected he would, too. But, here I am, not wanting to date again, not wanting to go to a bar alone, having no luck online either, and resenting the he** out of him for putting me back in this place! I am encouraged by friends to join groups, etc. I've yet to do it because I have heard from other women how useless it often is. maybe at the least it would take my mind off him? I am just about ready to resign myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I am about the same age as you all and the men that are out there just make me miss my ex--and he was not only "warty" but abusive at times, along with all his other actual good attributes ( which is kind of like eating a stew made with wonderful ingredients into which someone has dropped dogsh**)!!

I know how you feel. For months after he dumped me ( I never saw it coming), I amused myself with revenge fantasies. Like your situation, this guy always looked like a winner to his friends, co-workers (anybody but those who knew him intimately!) I knew I knew how to hit him hard. I had it all plotted out. I never followed through, mostly through fear of being found out, afraid of repercussions. Now, I really do believe that it is better not to have tried to hurt him. Oh, I know he deserves it, but I think that it will happen in ways I don't know, at a time I probably won't know. Just that, given who he is, somehow, sometime, he will get what's coming! And, yes, I would much rather that I got to witness it, or even that I caused it---but, it isn't worth my risking my well being for anymore. Now, it I could figure out a way to get the job done without fear of being caught....? To be honest with you, I don't think that dream will go away easily! Be well, try to put that creative energy to better use.. grin

you're absolutlely right, tough as it is, it does get better little by little, like it or not! Thanks for putting it so succintly. I think we so often try to hold onto vestiges of the relationship we lost--at least that is something! I loved the idea of hitting yourself--I once wore an elastic band around my wrist to snap whenever I thought of him. All in all, great insight,,,\\ grin

Alona, Please keep in touch here. Spending time with family and good friends is the best thing to do right now. Missing him and what you hoped for will continue for awhile. Be patient with yourself, let the pain come, cry, be angry...it will be easier as time goes by. The waiting is the hardest thing. Be well, grin

Chip I know where you are. Mine was a relationship of over five years that was often abusive, and yet I still have trouble letting go. It's been almost ten months and I spent nearly six of them working, coming home, doing the bare minimum, then drinking enough to sleep without thinking about him. I am a little better now. I do things with friends occasionally--at first this seemed boring and pointless, but I have come to value their affection and time they took to listen to me. It is hard to let go always. If you doubt that, read other posts; so many people missing what they hoped that had. It just takes time. I hated to hear that, but it is the truth. Eventually, you will find that you can enjoy even moments of time without missing your love. Eventually, you will have times when you can look at the totality of the relationship, not just the lovely moments we remember when we're feeling lost. That's when, in little bits, we see why it didn't/couldn't work long term. I wish you all the best in your struggle. grin

Dear Alona, I just checked posts today and was stunned to read yours. I wish I could say that I was surprised that the jerk hit you, but obviously, I am not--I am just so sorry for you going through this. As others have said, and as you can find out for yourself through any website about abusive relationships (AND YES, THAT IS WHAT THIS IS!), once the line is crossed, once he puts his hands on you in anger--no matter the stimulus--it will ONLY CONTINUE AND WORSEN. Please believe me when I tell you that the man who threw me to the ground, who hit me, pushed me, choked me, left me in bad neighborhoods at night miles from home withou money, this man I LOVED! I made every excuse and took all the blame. He,, too, accused me unfairly and blamed me for what he did to me in "punishment" for things I had never even done! Yet, I didn't want to give up. I knew we were meant to be together. I had been married before, had had other relationships, but this guy made me feel like I had finally found perfection. We connected so completely in so many ways. That was very hard to think of losing, no matter what hell I had to tolerate to keep it. Finally, of course, it is over. THe accusations, the crazy logic, and the angry attacks grew to become HIS reason for leaving ME! To this day, I figure that he actually believed all that craziness and felt completely justified in everything he did. It left me no place to stand in respect, left me no integrity--I gave so much away to him. ANd, yes, I do still miss him and still sometimes engage in magical thinking that perhaps somehow he will return without his nastiness--I wish for that miracle, but I no longer wait for it. I know that I should have run from him years ago (There were 6 years for me to learn). I know that I am luckier that many who ended up maimed or killed because they just "couldn't" let go of that crazy hope. Alona, get away. As others have said, the trip can be the price you pay for the freedom and sanity you so need. He will kill you, accidentally or on purpose, emotionally and likely physically. Be well, keep us posted. We do know, you know! grin

Pebek - I also have been trying to get past, go on, after a break up with a man I loved for over five years. We had had arguments over time, his temper was difficult (understatement), but I believed that life would go on as it had, regardless. The day before the day he finally left me, he told me he loved me, thought about me all day, etc. We were--as far as I could tell,-- comfortable and in love. He was the one person I've met in life who fulfilled so many of my desires, wishes, of what I wanted in a mate. However, nine months ago it was over. We argued, he refused me any attempts at resolution and finally told me that he was unwilling to "respectfully disagree;" I could agree with him and apologize for something I hadn't done, or hit the road. I have no idea as to what it may have been, but I am certain that there was some agenda on his part of which I hadf no knowledge. So much is clearer to me now and I mostly realize that without conversation and the willingness to compromise, our life together would not have progressed but I still keep coming back to the emptiness, the expectation of his presense, waking up with him, calling after work, the kiss goodnight, so much more....I know they say that time is all that helps, and I believe it will. I only get frustrated with myself now because, even though I have made myself busy with friends and activities and such, there are far too many moments of just missing what we had--or what I believed we had; just feeling like I am without an important piece of me. You said all of this in far fewer words. I wish you well. I wish you hope. grin

Hi Alona, Please--listen to Hope! I was there, too. I spent over five years of my life with a man I loved in a way that was so crazy, so consuming, I became desparate every time (and there were several) he left me, after the yelling, the accusations, the name-calling, the angry insane tirades, etc., that I would be, plead, apologise, give in to anything he needed if only he wouldn't stay away! Of course, as time went on, he did hit me, choke me, throw me to the ground--and every time, according to him, I deserved it and worse! Trust me, the behaviors you have seen, even if not directed at you, serve to let you understand how much harm he is capable of inflicting. It will escalate--abuse never gets better, no matter how much we pray and wish it would. Please, go, stay gone, don't call, don't contact. It hurts like nothing else has in life. I've been out for 8 months and not a day goes by that I don't miss all the good and long for the fantasy. But, I also now can see that what I mourn was a fantasy--he would never be the man I "knew" he could. It does get slowly easier to bear, however. You deserve decent treatment from anyone you bring into your life, and the more you take time to be alone and with friends who truly do care, you will understand that, even though you will never understand why the person you loved behaved as he did. Be strong, stay away.One day at a time. --grinit

Liv, Thanks so much for your words...it has been awhile now (5 months) since I "ve seen him and there are times when I think I am fine and others when I just wish I could go back in time and "fix" things. But, I know, as you do, that the man isn't worth it. We weren't the one being critical, nasty, mean, etc., to them...we went out of our way to be understanding and accepting. I guess it just still hurts to realize that that got me nowhere--or maybe it did! Maybe this is a much better place, without abuse or feeling like I had to be so careful all the time, not wanting to upset him. I know you know... Be well, stay strong, get yourself back. I am working on those things everyday myself. Beth

Thanks yet again to all who answered me... (Muneca, I have been treating myself better since I've been away from him, got new hairstyles, bought some outfits, etc. It does help a little.) What bothers me the most is feeling like I was better off with him than I am now in some ways. What I mean is that since I have never been very good at meeting new people to date, I have even less confidence now. I would almost rather be in a relationship with him than be disappointed because no one seems to be attracted to me, or I to them. I don't think I am expressing this well...it's just that I was without a relationship for much of my life, raising my kids, etc., and then when I found him, I thought that would be it, I found him very attractive and was happy to have him. Of course, all of that is what made it possible for me to turn a blind eye to who he really was for so long! I don't know, I am feeling a little lost and uncertain of the future is all. Thank you all. You're the best!

First of all, I want to thank all of you for responding to my original posting. To recap quickly, I ended a relationship of nearly 6 years in June. ("Left After nearly 6 years") We had been apart the previous year for a number of months and I contacted him and we were together again for a few months this year. I logically know that this man is no good for me, his children, or anyone. He has throttled me, called me names, told me I have severe mental problems, and left me by the side of the road in the middle of the night miles from home. Of course, he had also treated me like a queen, told me how much he loved me, we had planned a future together, etc. For anyone never in an abusive situation, uderstanding the incredible pull these people have over you is very hard, if not impossible. Having tolerated his behavior for so long, making excuses for it because I loved him, makes it so easy for me now to rationalize it and tell myself that I can take the bad to have to good. I really don't know why I am falling apart now. I have done well and had no contact with him at all in nearly three months. It just seems that it is getting so much harder to stay away.

Hi Missy, I wish I had found your posts earlier, but I read through them all today and I just have to comment that you sound just like me! Which, by the way, is not such a good thing! Last year, my bf of 5 years broke up with me--there was abuse involved as well--and I had no contact with him for 8 months. I don't know how you can handle seeing/talking to hime each day. It was hard for me without that; as you said, I "survived" but without enjoying anything. Anyway, we got back together in the spring and then, in June, broke up again! I feel like all the work I did last year to try to heal is now for loss. I am back in the same boat. Now, there has been no contact for a couple of months, and I miss him every day and night. I do know better than to speak with him because it would only raise false hopes. Like you, I was involved with a man younger than me, so that crosses my mind, too--he can get someone younger and more attractive, etc. There are a hundred ways we make ourselves crazy thinking, all kinds of reasons we are afraid to try again. Believe me, I have seen no one else I'd be interested in. I tend to look at men younger, because that's what I am used to now, and they are not looking back. I hate the idea of dating again anyway. And, I just turned 50! so I really do tend to believe my run is over, so to speak. I wish I had great advice for you. I wish I had it for me, wish I would take it. I hope all the best for you...when you get that low, anxious, can't live without hearing his voice feeling, get on this site, call a friend, anything, but DO NOT contact him. It really does hurt less after a bit if you don't. Be well, G&B

Here's the story. I have been chatting with a guy online for about a month. Our online schedules never matched up well, so in that time we had only a few conversations, but we did send messages back & forth. He was thrilled at first to talk with me, or so he said, and seemed very anxious to talk again. Each time I chatted with him was pleasant and I though he was a nice guy. Then a few weeks ago, he disappeared--didn't answer my message, didn't respond the one time I noticed he was online. I give people the benefit of the doubt, so I figured that maybe he met someone, or that he was just too busy to be online a lot. Today, I saw that he was on and I IMed him--no reponse and shortly after his connection was closed. I have tried to think if there was anything I said the last time we talked that could have been misinterpreted, but I really don't think that's the case. any ideas? Should I continue to try to get his attention or just chalk it up? Thanks!

Let me be sure I understood you...Are you saying that you and your ex took each other for granted? If so, I wish you would stop a minute and think about why you are including yourself in those recriminations. I am sure that there were times you took him for granted, but my goodness, how much more has he done to you and how little did he care, or even notice! That is taking for granted...not having the decency to see that your partner is hurt, just following your own agenda. Honey, stop including yourself in the blame game. I have done it, too. I used to say that I was wrong to raise my voice to him (after listening to the yelling, name-calling, threats for hours), and I believed I was. I held myself to that standard. He never did. I doubt your ex has, either. We are none of us perfect. But please remember that there are levels of tolerance and levels of abuse. Try to see clearly. You are going to be fine. Me,too, I hope. Stay strong as you can!

Thanks, guys. I'll give that a try. I hadn't before because I thought I would come accross as needy or something. I don't want anyone to think I'm a pain, you know? Of course, I'm a big girl and what the heck do I have to lose anyway?! Thank you all again!

Hi all, I appreciate any advice you offer about looking for people to date, etc., online. I have read the posts here and many are helpful. I recently signed on with a service and have chatted with a few people. The problem I'm having is touching base with people whose online schedule is different from mine. For example, there is a guy I've talked to a few times and he is alway very nice and seems interested, but is hard to pin down when I try to make a definite "date," so to speak, to talk again. Should I try to accommodate his schedule? I am at a loss here. Thank you for responding if you have comments.

Hi Usedtobestrong, First of all, Avman is right--you have to stay away from him completely! Secondly, he plays the games he does because they work for him. He gets is needs met the way he wants to--he had control. Just look at how much control over you his little visit got him. You spent hours and days feeling as if you had lost the prize. Honey, this guy is no prize and you do know that, but the old feelings of hope will keep resurfacing anytime you let him close to you. As I said, it works for him - but it can't work for you. Please, do your best to stay clear of him. Believe me, I understand your struggle. As you know, I also went back and forth many times, the last time after over 7 months apart. I thought I was strong enough by then, but within a few hours of seeing him, I was right back into it, losing respect for myself, wanting him even so. Please keep posting...and DON'T LET HIM GET NEAR YOU AGAIN!!! G&

Just a question for those on this forum...Have any of you had your partner steal from you? My ex still has items of mine that he took when he was angry with me. He took things he had given me as well as items belonging to me from before he was in my life--for example, a ring given to me by my daughter. Even when we were back together the last time, he never returned anything! Another habit he had was demanding I pay his money after we had had an argument and I refused to agree with him and apologize. I always did, of course, because it was the only was he would agree to be with me--even after my apologies! He would tell me my words were "garbage" and he needed something more tangible before he would believe me again. How I allowed myself to do this is beyond me now...but I did. Anyway, your thoughts and experiences in this type of thing would be very much appreciated. Also, why he holds onto objects after we have been apart for a long time? Thank you all

losergirl-- Your story sounds very much like mine. I,too, was involved with an abusive man for over 5 years. I loved him like my next breath and it nearly killed me when we were apart. He cursed at me, called me names, told me I was stupid, kicked me out of the house, left me places when he was angry--even by the side of the road at nigh, miles from home. He pushed, shoved, grabbed me, took me by the throat and squeezed, threw me down, etc. Like you I refused to see that this is what battering is all about! No one has to be beaten bloody. My ex also witnessed abuse growing up and had abused his ex (and she him as well) and his children. but no one was beaten the way you describe it. It is still abuse and believe me, all research in that area will tell you that it will get worse!! THe only one who can change him is himself. But, I think you know all this, and these are the easy answers. THere is no answer (No short one anyway) to why you still feel love for him, why you miss him, why you would want him back. I know what you are going through and I don't want to sound so simple and say that in time you will feel better. Maybe you will, I hope so, maybbe it will take a long time. We have a lot to sort out. I would strongly advise you to get into therapy with someone who understands abusive relationships--who works with them. Also, Read as much as you can--there is a lot of info on the net about it. The more you know, the better you will be able to make sense of it. The truth is that in our relationships we were almost brainwashed--we lived in their worlds by their rules and thry were the center of all our life. Now we have to work hard to brainwash ourselved against that influence, and the best way is by learning all we can. I have written too much already. My heart is with you. You CAN do this most impossible seeming thing. I know. G&B

I was just thinking about you today--I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I, too, am out of 'crisis mode,' although I have to remember that I stayed away from him before for nearly 8 months. But I do feel differently this time and have hope for the future. You are fabulous and you will be well and happy. Never doubt that. It is so true that our abusive exes never did/never will love us or anyone else, not in the way we and other non-abusive folks define love. Be well, stay strong, \G&B

Hi Yria, I am a good deal older than you and I hope you take advice now that I didn't when it was first offered to me. GET OUT AND DON'T GO BACK I, too, was in an on again/off again which lasted nearly six years of my life. I loved him and knew he'd been hurt and accepted him as he was, bad temper, frequent break-ups, and all. He also saw nothing wrong in calling me names, demeaning my character, threatenin me, etc. BUT I LOVED HIM Needless to say, I never found the "magic" thing--he never saw reason to change a darn thing about his behaviour. I wish now that I had left years ago. I would have been spared going through the pain and heartbreak and longing and confusion so many times. It never gets easier, and if you have been back and forth with this guy already, please realise that this will be the pattern for the rest of your life if you stay with him! Trust me, it hurts way to much and it wastes so much time and energy. I wish you strength