grinand bearit

Hi Yria, I am a good deal older than you and I hope you take advice now that I didn't when it was first offered to me. GET OUT AND DON'T GO BACK I, too, was in an on again/off again which lasted nearly six years of my life. I loved him and knew he'd been hurt and accepted him as he was, bad temper, frequent break-ups, and all. He also saw nothing wrong in calling me names, demeaning my character, threatenin me, etc. BUT I LOVED HIM Needless to say, I never found the "magic" thing--he never saw reason to change a darn thing about his behaviour. I wish now that I had left years ago. I would have been spared going through the pain and heartbreak and longing and confusion so many times. It never gets easier, and if you have been back and forth with this guy already, please realise that this will be the pattern for the rest of your life if you stay with him! Trust me, it hurts way to much and it wastes so much time and energy. I wish you strength

Hi, Usedtobestrong, Yeah, I wish for the magic wand, too--make it all go away! I used to wish for the magic to make him see what he does, make hom want to change... Do you have fantasies of getting strong enough to tell him what he should be doing? What I mean is, to "wake up" to the fact that his behavior ruined the relationship, as it has with others in his life? I tried to tell my ex things like that at times, but he would always deny any blame and tell me that it was only my fault--even though I knew he had been abusive before, with others. And, he never wanted to make amends for what he did, at least not inthe 6 years I knew him. I read that the reason they don't apologize sincerey, and try to be better is because then they would have to take responsibility for their choices and they don't want to do that. If they blame others, they never have to give up the power being abusive gives them--they convince themselves that the other person "Made them" act that way. Although I know from the neck up that he is no good for me or anyone else, there is more of me from the neck down that feels lonely and sad. It is ridiculous that thoughts of him occupy so much of my precious time!! Yet, I do miss so many things about him and it is do very hard to be alone sometimes. That's when the 'if onlys" take over my mind. I have started counseling for help in staying away from him. Maybe you could try that? THese men have such a hold on us, don't they? I wish you the best, be well, stay away, try to be busy---you know the drill! It is so d&*n miserable! If you want to pm me, feel free. Maybe we can help each other through this mess.

Hey Usedtobestrong, I was, too. I've read all your posts--we both left abusive men at about the same time; it's been a month for me. I haven't made any contact and keep hoping he will, since he broke it off. Anyway, I think we are better off even if we are so sad we want to scream. I wish there was a magic wand, something to make him see what he's done and to amke it better, but there isn't. All we can do is try to get throught the days and when we are at our best, we will take Avman's very sensible advice and realize the person we long for is dead, maybe he was never born, except in out hearts. We saw the best in them and wanted the best for them and for our relationships. I know you gave far better than you got. It was not your fault that he made the choices he did. I used to think that there was something else I could do say, or be--some way to get through. Wrong. If he wants to help himself, even if he doesn't care for you at all, he will, but it is very unlikely. He found a new girl. My ex used to tell me that he knew there was someone better around the corner. Why do they think they should have 'better'? Because they really don't see that what they do is wrong! The blame for their actions is put on us. I ache for him still at times. I do know what you feel and how long and empty the days and nights can be. I just wish we would all listen and apply the very good thoughts and advice of people in this forum.

Hi - I just wanted to toss in my two cents. Your story struck me at first because of the similarity in age difference--my ex is 13 years my junior and I never thought I'd be involved with him, but I fell so hard and would be back there tomorrow, even with all the grief I've been through. We were together five and a half years, and yet, if we broke up after seven months, I know I would have felt completely lost. It isn't so much the amount of time, but the intensity. He and I had incredible chemistry from the first, and that never went away. Unfortunately, it is also the problem I have whenever I think we might be friends one day. I miss him like a part of my own self, but I haven't made contact now for a month. You ought to keep up the NC, take it day by day...I know the pick up the phone and put it back down routine, too. Bottom line is if she doesn't want you right now, how well respected would you be if you wanted her anyway? The hardest thing is to accept that you should move on with life. I haven't had any desire to be social--but for this forum! Best of luck to you. It has to get better, right?

Hey guys, I haven't made contact at all, not even to arrange to get my things. I need to think about it all a little more, I guess. I was doing pretty well for a few weeks, but lately I feel like if I saw him or heard his voice, I would be drawn back. I think about him all day--what else could I do,? How can I get through to him that he needs to look at his behavior,? How can I get him to see that I love him no matter what,?--all kinds of crazy things,\ I still somehow believe that we were meant to be together and I miss him so much. I am not denying that he is abusive and I know that there is no way I could have been that would have prevented his behavior, but yet I sometimes think, maybe there's a way. Am I stupid, or what!? I try to stay busy, but it's not working very well. Why is it that after 3 weeks I feel worse that in the beginning?

Francis Pleas ignore my post==I am very tired and mistakenly responded to your message for Alejandra. Sorry...

Francis i don'tknow he met someone else. And no, we have no accounts in common, nor does he have access to any personal information of mine. Yes, he broke it off, and not for the first time. It just bothers me that he never seems to mean what he says. Even the business of keeping my things--not that that is life shattering, but the thought always occurs to me as to why he holds on to things of mine while telling me to go away, that he can do better, etc. Anyway, i am not afraid for myself. He protects himself at all costs. He would never place himself in a situation where he might be held accountable. Thank you for caring, as always. I really appreciate and value your input.

Thanks, Francis I know he will refuse, or say he doesn't have the things. Involving the police will be viewed as a threat--even if I follow through with it, I am afraid it will be my word against his, and he may well have ditched my stuff by now anyway. If he hasn't, he will say he did. I do appreciate your reply and I don't want to sound like I am negating your thoughtful advice. I just know this guy too well, and I know how well he protects himself and avoids responsibility. On the other hand, I feel like an incapable child when I let him get away with it. Sorry to whine--thank you again for responding and caring.

Meeso, I don't think there is anything more to do right now. You told him over and over how you feel. He can't or won't feel for you--he sounds like he doesn't care what you are going through. I have been in your shoes, please believe me. We understand way too much about the one we love, we understand when they treat us badly and we tolerate it because we love them. Then, when we want the same kind of love and understanding from them, it just isn't there. The hardest thing is to see that it isn't there. It will never be there, not because we didn't do enough or explain enough or love enough, but because they are abusive people, unable to love the way we all deserve to be loved. I spent more than five years doing what you are doing now, off and on. In between things were wonderful. Then, we.d have a disagreement and he would tell me exactly the things your bf told you. I have been pushed, strangled, thrown to the ground, left by the side of the road miles from home, stolen from and worse. At my neediest, I once walked 3 miles from where he left me to his house at 2 in the morning and crawled into bed next to him, grateful that he allowed me to be there! Please, don't contact him again. Be miserable, miss him all you want. It won't kill you. You need time to heal. Let a long time go by and work on feeling like yourself, yout true self--not the one he saw. Grinandbearit

Alejandra - Been there, still dealing with it all. Like you, I was accused of lying, cheating, etc., although I had never so much as thought to do either thing. We could be out together, talking, having a nice time, and he would out of the blue tell me that I had been flirting with someone else in the room! I was always astonished when this happened. If I refused to "admit" to it and apologize and agree with his assessment that I was a "sleazebag," he called me a liar. To tell the truth meant to agree with his truth. This guy also called me names every time we fought, got physical on more than one occasion, etc. But, I could never seem to get out and stay out of the relationship. It wasn't always nasty, of course, and I believed I loved him enough to see it through. It has now been 3 weeks since I have had contact with him, and I am doing the best I can to stay away> All the best of luck and much strength to you. Grinand bearit

Thanks, Carter I have been reluctant to go to his house at all, especially with a friend because I know it will only make him more angry. He never wanted our private lives to be shared with anyone--it of course allowed his abuse to remain hidden and I was always made to feel I'd done something very disrespectful andf wrong if I admitted telling anyone. I guess I am just afraid to have to approach this, I know that there is no way I will get my things through confrontation (however, last year he stole from me some jewelry he had given to me, along with items that were mine before I knew him and even when we were together again, he made no mention of it, nor did he return anything). I ramble, I know...I am still in the process of trying to let go of six years with this man, still missing him, still angry and hurt by the things he said and did, still thinking there must be some way to make it all better.

Thanks to both of you for good advice. I know what to do, of course, it is just so hard to go through it. My latest dilemma is that he has at his house some items of mine (and a couple that belong to my daughter), which I would appreciate having. He won't, I know from experience, return them on his own. I haven't contacted him at all since my last message 3 weeks ago. I would like the things--some have important meaning to me--but I really don't want to see or hear him and I expect that if I write, it will be ignored. Any thoughts here?

Hi everyone - I've been an avid reader for awhile and much of your advice to others has been helpful to me. This is my story. I have just been away from an abusive relationship for three weeks, and I am having a difficult time. We were separated last year for over 7 months when I made contact with him--at the time I felt I needed to let him know how I had been feeling, to give back to himin a way the things he had done to me. I thought that I was ready to move on. Unfortunately, he did the absolutely unexpected thing and called me--after all that time! Of course, he wanted to "rebut" my assertions. I realise I should tell you all what had happened to separate us prior to that. Last July, after a mindless argument, he took me by the throat and threw me to the ground. I was in pain for weeks and certain I was finished with him. But, after nearly 8 months, I made contact. I hadn't moved on with my life and I still loved him. Long story short--we were together again for 3 months in which time, he left me by the side of the road at 1 AM, in a bad neighborhood, following another argument. -He told me he loved me and never wanted anyone else. -He explained to me why I ended up on his front lawn the way I did--after he threw me--and why I might well end up there again. -He talked about his temper, his paranoia, and I thought he wanted to put all that behind us, although he never once had a real plan for getting any help--he still generally held me accountable for his reactions. -He called me all the names I was already familiar with, plus a few more. -He talked about marrying me, we looked at houses and planned a vacation. -He refused to hear anything I would say in my own behalf, or worse, anything that might incriminate him, telling me, "I don't want to listen to anymore of your lies, etc. You can't convince me, we will not have a respectful disagreement, you can admit you were wrong and atone or, I no longer want anything to do with you." I told him I would not contact him again. So, why am I writing to you? Because, like so many women who have been in love with a crazy person, it s so hard to see what is healthy andf what isn't anymore. We all begin to believe the "reality" of the abuser. I miss him, strange but true. He was my life for years and I can't even now imagine feeling about anyone else the way I did about him. Any advice, comments--please. There is a lot more to the story, but I have already gone on a long time. Thank you all.