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saltwatergirl

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Everything posted by saltwatergirl

  1. saltwatergirl
    You can't fix the rest of your life today. What can you do today to get yourself up and moving? Is there something you can clean? Can you go jog? Can you go rent a movie (comedy) or better yet can you get the paper and find one to go see? Can you sit down with your bills and create a new budget? Can you go to Starbucks and sit outside and drink a frappachino? I recommend trying the banana/coconut. Can you go to a bookstore and sit down at a table and read a book about finding peace? How about a new CD? Can you take everything out of the fridge and organize cabinets? Can you go change your oil? Can you get a pet? What can you do TODAY. Salt
  2. saltwatergirl
    Then I guess we can start referring to this as a rain dance. Salt
  3. saltwatergirl
    You need to get angry. Get really good and pis$ed off about it. find some CD's about this and play them over and over. the I DONT WNAT YOU BACK (Eamon) song is great for this. Go buy it and play it. .... Picture youself slamming the door in his face when he shows up apologizing. Picture how good it feels to get up and WALK AWAY from some idiot who used you, lied to you, and betrayed you because he THOUGHT YOU WERE WORTH SHI% . If you can get yourself worked up into an anger, you'll feel disgusted by him and what he did, you'll feel betrayed, you'll lose respect for him. YOU WILL BE ANGRY and once you get to that phase, the rest is downhill. You shouldnt be sad, you should be MAD. You didnt deserve this. Salt
  4. saltwatergirl
    I bypassed a few pages so forgive me if I am speaking about something already settled. I would say 8 years is way too long to have let this go on. THere are few times when issuing an ultimatum is a good idea, but I do think this is one of those times. I'd issue it, and if it doesnt pan out, I'd leave. And now, he has found a way to make the wait be due to the 'current stress" of your asking....outstanding! Now it's your fault! Now he has bought himself even more time, and managed to shift the blame for that onto you. This is ridiculus. Salt
  5. saltwatergirl
    Sounds to me like you have a case of buyers remorse. You have realized that the grass ISNT greener on the other side. But, as is usually the case, the damage is done, and now you're alone. Hope you learn from this. Salt
  6. saltwatergirl
    What you've got to do is starting thinking of HER and not yourself. Realize she has things in her life that are stressing her, things that are causing her alot of emotional conflict right now. THis has nothing to do with you. She is dealing with these things in her own way and some days she just might be down, gloomy, "cold", what have you. This is where you have to stop thinking of yourself and how you are being affected; instead try to think about her and realize she is just having "a day" and let her have it. If it's best for her to not contact you or see you at times, then that's what you want because remember: you want her to be happy. you dont want to be a source of stress. She sounds confused. Best to back off during those times. Instead of acting on the urge to point out to her how she has just made you feel, try to be understanding (fake it if you must) and back away and give her the space until she contacts you again. Of course, this course of action is equivalent to just totally ignoring your own feelings, wants, and needs. You're a human yoyo. But, you refuse to act on the alternative, which is to leave this situation and move on. So, because this is what you have settled for, this is how it has to go. You're at a dry well. You want water, but there is none there. You want help with raising and lowering the bucket....we can advise you on that all day long, and you might even get really good at it. But the fact remains, it's an empty well. You can have 100 methods for raising and lowering the bucket...but at the end of the day, you still won't have any water. Salt
  7. saltwatergirl
    You have no idea how many of us here are in that same boat!! Im so tired of my summers getting screwed up. Salt
  8. saltwatergirl
    If it were me, I would tell you to stop calling if I had moved on. Again this is just me, I don't know her, or what her feelings are, of if she really is fearful of you. I have no idea and neither do you since you havent spoken since March. I am pretty upfront---you hinted that she was the same, so I think she would have told you. As you can see there are many different viewpoints on that. However, this calling stuff isnt working. Right? I don't know why, but I get a funny feeling from your posts. I also have a weird feeling that you are overstating the 'every day for a year' situation; again no idea why, I just think its an overestimate. maybe you've just called off and on...maybe it hasnt been a whole year.....something is off in your posts, i dont know what it is and I cant put my finger on it... Anyone who would spend a year calling every every day at 8pm, but yet has been and continues to be too fearful to go see her in person, I dont know it doesnt add up. It's like running a 5K, and stopping 20 feet from the finish line. Something here just isn't right. At any rate, you dont seem as though you really want to go see her. So in that case, just drop the idea, stop calling, and move on with your life. I think at this point, you're just addicted to the misery. You've become a martyr, and you like it and are comfortable keeping it that way. You've built up the "long lost love" role and you are playing it. That isn't the same thing as being in love with someone. This whole thing seems to be all about you; not her. Salt
  9. saltwatergirl
    I have done this. I know it hurts. Believe me when I tell you this: It won't last forever. Salt
  10. saltwatergirl
    He has shown you that he is capable of betraying your trust, hurting you, lying to you, cheating on you...he is CAPABLE OF IT because he DID IT. you dont want that back. You want a healthy loving fun relationship that you feel comfortable and safe in. The only thing you have to do now is realize that you won't ever have that with HIM. Wanting it is fine, just change your target. He isn't the one who can give it to you, obviously. You have nothing to regret, you can still search for- and find -what you want...you just cant have it with him because he is a cheater. It wont stop, and you would only be wasting your time trying to make it happen with him. Salt
  11. saltwatergirl
    LOL. I dont know why, but that really cracked me up. Im not making light of your pain, I know it all too well. But, that was great. Salt
  12. saltwatergirl
    As far as her respect for him, I don't think we can gauge that very accurately. I probably wouldn't lose respect for someone if they haven't moved on...but others might. So I guess that depends on the person. As far as her feeling harassed and fearing doing anything about it....I would think it was more logical that if she felt harassed, she'd either tell him to stop, email him, or send word to him through their mutual friends to stop. She hasn't done any of that. I don't think it's because she is paralyzed with fear. This is just my take on it. I could be wrong. All in all, I think it would be a good idea to see her face to face and talk to her....if at that time she expresses to you her lack of interest and you are given the signal to move on, then yes by all means, the phone calls must stop. Everything, at that point, would need to stop. Salt
  13. saltwatergirl
    Well I disagree with the others, it happens. In my opinion, if she felt "stalked" or uncomfortable in any way with the calls, she would have done something about it by now (change her number, threaten you with legal action, came out and told you to stop etc). The fact that she has not done anything at all souds like to her it isn't that big a deal, in fact she may like the attention. I wouldnt get caught up thinking you are harassing someone. If she feels harassed, she will let you know or do something about it. I really don't think that's the case, since she has done nothing to dissuade you. DISCLAIMER: Dont get me wrong, Im not saying for men to just go calling and harassing people, and not stop until they take legal action. That isn't what I am saying. But this girl has not even so much as asked him to stop, sent word to him to stop, or done anything to dissuade him from his attempts. So, in that case I don't think it's being taken by her as 'harassment'. Other than that, good luck!
  14. saltwatergirl
    YES. Here is a post that SADK made on another thread. I think it will help you so I copied and pasted it. Again this is not mine it is from SADK. Reading it may help you understand her: Imagine a mouse. The mouse loves cheese, goes to eat it, gets whacked by a mouse trap. She keeps going back, because she loves cheese, but slowly she learns that she's going to get whacked. Then she decides she wants nothing more to do with the cheese. The owner of the trap tells her he will no longer set the trap, and she goes for the cheese again, even though she's scared. She doesn't get whacked and starts to relax, but then one day she gets whacked again. She goes back from time to time, believing the trap owner because she LOVES the cheese. But every now and then, just as she's starting to trust, she gets whacked. So she stops. He realizes what he's done and REALLY realizes this time. It's not just that he misses her. He hates how he's hurt her and so he gets rid of the trap once and for all. He tells her, but she says no, she can't go back. She convinces herself she's making the right decision to stay away. But, oh that cheese is so enticing. So, she goes back again, very very wary, still scared, still apprehensive. And she nibbles on the outside. Just nibbles. He knows the trap is gone. She hopes the trap is gone. But every loud sound reminds her of the trap. So she only nibbles. Maybe one day she won't be afraid anymore, but she's going to need a lot of time (sadk) Salt
  15. saltwatergirl
    Personally, I would consider all these mixed signals to be a huge red flag, and I would be very hesitant to put any stock in you or what may come to be with you. But that is just me. Maybe she's different. Salt
  16. saltwatergirl
    Yes and Take control of the conversation instead of letting it go round and round. Memorize this statement: "I know I've hurt you in the past. Right now, Im just trying to prove to you that you can trust me again. What can I do to help you?" Here is an example/scenario. Her: "I dont know why I bother, you never kept your promises anyway"... You: "I know I've hurt you in the past. Right now Im jsut trying to prove to you that you can trust me again. What can I do to help you?" Her: "I dont know why you want me to call, I always did before and it didn't get me anywhere". You: "I know I've hurt you in the past. Right now Im just trying to prove to you that you can trust me again. What can I do to help you?" You see the idea. Repeat that statement every time she takes a jab at you. Stop being defensive, it just confirms in her mind that you still "defend" yourself, which is wrong. She is in fight mode. But by participating, you are keeping it going. This statement validates her feelings, shows that you will take responsibility for repairing things, and directs the conversation into something constructive; i.e. you are asking for suggestions. Dont be offended if she just sits there in silence. She will likely try it again. Be calm and repeat the statement. DON'T get defensive. Good Luck. Salt
  17. saltwatergirl
    That's not the reason. She is likely thinking "this is just more of the same. More lines, more empty promises, etc". She has probably been advised to do No Contact as a way to heal, as she is doubtful of your sincerity. Can you blame her? Wouldn't YOU be skeptical? Salt
  18. saltwatergirl
    I like Unwritten. Salt
  19. saltwatergirl
    It doesn't take much effort to make a phone call. And I think you are wasting your time with the letters and cards route. You need to do something more than that. It gives off the appearance that you are hiding behind something (phone, mail) and not really all that serious. You could excuse your showing up unannounced by saying "Im sorry to barge in like this, I have tried calling but you never answer. Could we please talk?" All she can do is slam the door in your face. And I doubt that is going to happen. You have tried everything else, why not just show up over there? This was once your girlfriend, it's not like you don't know this person. Are you worried about looking foolish or being rejected? Come on, if you care for her at all that won't stop you. Courage is a very endearing quality. I don't know, your attempts seem a little skiddish and back-doorish to me. I'm not all that impressed. Is this really love, or do you just like being a victim. Because you seem to love her from afar, but stop short of stepping up and fighting for her. Salt
  20. saltwatergirl
    Are you two in contact at all now? Have you tried going to her house and pleading your case? Salt
  21. saltwatergirl
    Netguy, now you see what I meant about calling it? Where there's smoke, there's fire. ALWAYS. Anyway... Im sorry this happened. When she comes crawling back (and I have every belief that she will when she realizes that the grass is NOT greener--this is what these types of people do), I hope you will be strong and not get sucked back into this. Salt
  22. saltwatergirl
    These people are right. You keep justifying things by adding "when he can" and "when his schedule allows". Why? When we make something a priority, it is a priority. And who is in charge of his priorities? Him! I agree with the other poster, he wants a weekend girlfriend. Been there done that. I think your emotional frenzy is the result of both your physical ailment and his lack of substance. I think you should really take a look at how much you are put on the back-burner. PS: He should be there for a surgery! I'd be interested to see if he even calls and checks on your condition today. Salt
  23. saltwatergirl
  24. saltwatergirl
    I understand what you are thinking. I don't think I could have done anything more than I did to prove to someone that I really was meant for them! That I really could make them happy. Pick me pick me!!! However, in the end, we can't change other people, we can't fix people, and we can't make someone love us. We just can't. Why did it have to happen? We might never know that. Maybe so you will appreciate all the wonderful things that the future boyfriend does. Maybe to help you better define what kind of guy you REALLY want. Maybe to help you pass on guys who cross your path when you see the red flags in the beginning. Maybe to help you start drawing your line in the sand. I used to not have a line. Now I do. I think that's a worthwhile lesson. Relationships are a two way street. You did everything. So now, next time, you won't let yourself get put in this position again. That's one thing you've learned. I am sure there are others. Might help to start a journal and write them all down as they come to you. What else have I learned about myself? Put the focus on you, not him not the relationship. It's about self discovery. Use this as a catalyst to start really understanding yourself. I think it might help you find your way out of the fog. Maybe this happened for a reason much bigger than you might think. Salt
  25. saltwatergirl
    Yes, nothing like witnessing blatant lies, and loosing total respect for someone, to push you along the way to getting over them. I disagree with the post above about not putting much stock into internet things. What he did was wrong, and it progresses in all sorts of terrible directions, trust me, you dont want to be around to witness any more of it. ICK. You can find other forms of entertainment. Ones that won't leave you feeling disgusting. LET IT GO. I know it is easier said than done but, the first step is to get away from the computer. And you are the only one who can take that first step. Just delete everything. If it helps, force yourself to stay away from the laptop entirely so that your brain can have time to process what he did and see this as the foolishness that it really is. There is so much more to life, so much more you could be doing with your time. But until you unplug from this you will never get started on what you really need to be doing: MOVING ON. IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE WHAT HE IS DOING ONLINE. IT DOES NOT MATTER. Your time is precious, and shouldn't be wasted like this. How much more of your time are you going to waste sitting there at the computer checking up on him? He isn't worth this amount of attention. Leave this fool to his computer and you stop this nonsense. Salt
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