saltwatergirl

You really need to stop doing this. You are counting condoms....why? why did you go count them? What are you looking for? Why are you so hel-bent on PROVING he is cheating? For some reason you seem intent on destroying this relationship, why is that? I think you have serious issues, MJ. It is one thing to have 1 condom in a drawer and then later on see it is gone, and go "Huh?" but you have gone out of your way to COUNT THEM and then GO BACK AND COUNT to see if the numbers jive....now you cant even remember how many you counted in the first place....Your acting obsessive and compulsive. This man has never done anything to make you think he lies or cheats. never. I've read your posts. Yes he has some problems, but he has never as far as I have read been caught in any kind of situation that would cause anyone to say "he is cheating" or "he is a liar". If he had, then my advice would be BREAK UP WITH HIM because you simply cant get over the broken trust. And you know what, that isnt some terrible thing. If he made choices that he knew would cause you to doubt/fear/hurt, and he did those things anyway, and he was decietful and doing things that scream I DONT LOVE YOU, then hel you have every right to say you know what, Im OUT OF HERE you #Q#$. But, that ISNT THE CASE HERE. I think you are sabatoging this. I think you are looking for things to worry about. No i dont think this is anything at all for you to waste energy on. Was it 8? Was it 9?? Was it 10?? Who cares. You have not caught him cheating. You have not caught him lying. You have not had other people accuse him of cheating. You have NO BASIS for your actions, fear, and paranoia. You are going to ruin this relationship if you continue. If you haven't already. Think about this. How would you like to have the person who you love and care for continually think of you as a lying, cheating, low life bum? How would you feel? Disrespected? Hurt? Angry? Offended? I can assure you that is how you are treating him, that is how you are making him feel. Does that make you feel good? Do you LIKE that you are treating him this way and basically telling him "hey this is how low i think you are"......do you ENJOY that? Stop this nonsense. Put some of this mental energy into what you can do to lift his self esteem, make him feel good, make him feel appreciated and respected and cared for. Do what you can do to be a good girlfriend and not a deranged, paranoid, unhappy person who he probably doesnt enjoy spending alot of time with at this point. either that or get out of this relationship once and for all. There's no point being with someone you can't trust. You dont have to live your life counting condoms, tracking phone calls, and living in the world of fear doubt and what if's. You don't have to live that way, and if leaving this relationship would stop all that, then leave it. Leave it and the paranoid fear and doubt and insecurity behind with it. Discover yourself and all your beauty and strenght and gifts and positive qualities, and then when you meet the next guy, you won't have to live like this because you will be confident, secure, and happy, knowing that you have lots to offer. You don't have to spend your life looking over your shoulder, wondering if the next girl that happens by will be so much better than you that she could snag him away. If that is the case right now, then either you need to work on yourself and your own level of security, or you need to get rid of the man who causes you so much insecurity. Salt

Yes, get him a big salt block so he can swell up with water retention, or even better, dehydrate. Salt ( just a sign off...... or IS IT?)

Yep. It really opens your eyes when you read stories here, see the similarities, and begin to think about your own situation and go "hey, that was all a load of crap!!" Salt

You won't die from this, I promise. You're just going through the normal pains of a breakup. I agree with the above, distract yourself with whatever, video games, other chicas, friends, tv, whatever. We've all been there, and lived to tell about it. You will too. Salt

It's been almost a month since you started this thread. Your emotions are no more under control then they were then. They go from one extreme to the other, very frequently. At some point, they should stabilize, no? Salt

I agree with the others. Don't let her string you along like this. saying "i dont know what im doing 2nite" is TACKY and rude. You obviously aren't all that important to her right now. Cut all contact with her. Tell her (call, tex, whatever) that you dont want any further contact unless she's ready to discuss getting back together seriously, and then vanish. Completely vanish. dont return contact attempts, dont do anything. You need to be GONE. Yes it is hard. We've all done it. We are all still alive. Some got them back, most did not. But either way, there are many here who will tell you that being used and strung along as a back up plan while the other has their options open is a blow to their dignity and self-respect that they have come to regret greatly. Do yourself a favor and start taking care of #1: you. You deserve more than crumbs from someone. She's got you jumping around at her beck and call and yet when you call wanting to do something, she can't be bothered or has to consult her busy social calendar first. You don't deserve to be done like that! And why would she agree to meet up at the pub with someone who just called her pestering her for sex? Come on. Find your backbone. This is crap, dont put up with it. Salt

When you are alone with blocks of unstructured time, you will think about the ex/breakup and maybe get sad, depressed, cry, break down, etc. You want to avoid that, so you fill your days and nights with people and activities so that you are not left alone "with yourself" for your mind to wander and emotions to run rampant. I understand this completely. You're running from the pain you think you will experience. At some point, you will have to gain some strength and face your feelings and go through the flood of emotions that will hit you. You cant avoid this forever. You cant avoid this forever, sooner or later you have to stop moving, look the pain in the eye, face it, and defeat it. Only then can you truly begin to heal and move forward. You can only play hide and seek with the feelings for so long. Sooner or later, you have to face them. Salt

I wouldnt play her games. She wants to talk b/c she misses you in her life. You only want to talk if she has reconsidered and wants you back. It doesnt appear to be the case. Seems she just wants you "around" to talk to. This you can't do. I think at this point you should go into no contact. I think you tell her that you are doing it, because you both want 2 different things, and that you will be there if she ever changes her mind and wants to try again. Then stop it all. She will only be able to see what life is like without you when you are gone. Right now, you're still there. So she doesnt have to make a decision per sey. She has nothing to lose. Salt

is it possible that he got used to the long distance....having free time to go out with friends, etc., came to like his space and freedom, and now that you have moved back that throws a kink in it all? Salt

Time to introduce b/f to that big white concrete thing on the side of the street!! Salt

Great post. I agree with everything here 100%. Salt

Actually Ian I included those same definitions in my post. The only term missing was avoid violation and that is covered under differential regard; why duplicate. I dont see the word restraint listed anywhere. I'm not sure what you're reading. I honestly was trying to help. Salt

Rules? Parents? Authority? So you respect things that have some form of control over you, but everything else is "equal". Showing respect for her would be giving up control? Putting her in control of you? Make you feel......weak? Beneath her? wimpy? The things you listed are things you are SUBORDINATE to. That isn't the same thing as RESPECTFUL of. See if you can tell the difference. Here is Webster's definition of respect: Willingness to show consideration or appreciation. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem; appreciation; care. I might add: being sensitive to her needs and feelings (blahhhh I know you hate that. But, it's part of it). See, it's not so bad. Acceptance. Showing care. (2 things she wants) Now, here is the definition of Subordinate: Belonging to a lower or inferior class or rank; secondary. Subject to the authority or control of another. see how majorly different? Do you think you have these 2 meanings mixed up? not literally because I know you aren't "stupid", but that maybe you view them as one in the same, and they aren't. If so, maybe it would cause you less distress to be 'respectful' if you keep it separate from 'subordinate', because they really are not even in the same league. You respect each other; you aren't subordinate to each other. How's that? Salt

Lawd, we have work to do here. LOL May have to fake this. With time and work you may COME too see these things for yourself, but for initial purposes you may have to use "forced understanding" here and fake it. After all, I dont see why she says that. If you are willing to do it for HER and for the relationship, what the h#ll difference does it make if you believe in it? Im sure you don't believe in lots of other things you do for her as well, but you do it b/c it's expected from you, and vice versa. You are compromising not performing a labotomy. But anyway...more on that later. As for her, yes her participation in these fights, and the level to which they escalate, has to also change. You cant do it all. Have you pointed that out to her? Maybe she thinks since you are ok with it she has free reign. In that case, turn the tables on her. Say something like, you know what you are right and it DOES bother me when you cuss at me, I see now how it really devalues a person and I have felt disrespected many times as well...how YOU are just as offended as she is, so she has to stop as well. Plus, that leads in to the whole "faked understanding' discussed earlier. Keep in mind, it is easy for some who are NOT the type to cuss, yell, etc. to get that way when dealing with one who is. Like it rubs off or something. The one who is not that way ends up really resenting that. "Youve turned me into a big screaming cussing mess of a girl!!" So, Im sure if your approach changes, hers will follow. Salt

Agreed. You're young, throw caution to the wind. So, all you need now is a game plan. Strategy. Let's think it through, not just jump right into something drastic and crazy (like obsessive calling, sobbing emails, and the like). We'll think some on it. When was the final "100% done with you" speech made by her? What was your response? This came with no warning so, it's possibe that it was a knee-jerk reaction or bottled up emotions flooding on you. Let's be optimistic for now while we see if we can salvage it. Salt

Why, because it has more syllables? Unfortunately, you aren't dating them. It is actually just the opposite: it is because of my level of security that I refuse to deal with it. Don't have to. PS: I think this side-topic is interesting, too. Now back to your situation...unless you have any more comments about this, and if so feel free. It's entertaining . Salt

I definitely think it can be fixed. She's told you she doesn't like it. She doesnt like the fighting, name calling, and what have you. Now, you can either sit there and consider that to be ridiculous, laugh about it with the boys, and be alone....or you can say okay how can I handle this so that she is happier, so that we fight less, etc........and have the chance to be with her again. But, do you really think you'd be more compatible with someone of a different type---you posted a few posts up something like "I need to find a girl like you (not directed toward me LOL someone else, anyway..) if that's true, and that's not your ex, then just keep movin on. Male ego aside, how do you REALLY feel about her, and are you willing to make changes to make it work? Is she? Or is she just not your type? Proceed from there. Remember: Bad fighting is like a bank withdrawal. Good days are like deposits. Sooner or later, if you withdraw more than you deposit, you're overdrawn. Shagging or not. Salt

Exactly! You are doing fine! Raise the bar and accept nothing less! Chalk up the other deal to her being 16 and flaky. You are going to be fine, put them both in oblivion & keep moving forward. Salt

So, the way to judge the passion, intensity, and level of love in a relationship is to weigh what words are used to cuss her out during an argument? Because I never said a word about not getting into disagreements. Dont worry about being rude. Your opinion of me isn't really all that important to me. Salt

What? No, I can assure you there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't resort to calling their girlfriend a b*tch or other such names in the midst of a fight. Those who know how to discuss issues rather than personally attack. Regarding your other question: my vocabulary is large enough that, even when angry, I can come up with something alot more compelling than "stupid/retarded". Condescending and sardonic are two that come to mind. Salt

Because it isn't costing him anything to do so. Talk is cheap. He can tell you what you want to hear, gets to continue being with you, and hopefully itll all blow over and he wont have to do what you are asking him to do. Why? Well, make a list of all the great things that he gets personal satisfaction out of from this relationship with you. Then read the list. Would YOU want to give all that up if you didn't have to? What if you could have all that AND keep your options open. Wow! Heaven! Salt

Perfectly put. Salt

If so, she has a silly little way of showing it. My advice: Get back into the mode you were in. You are fine, you're moving on, youre gonna go out and have fun, she didn't deserve you anyway, etc. Salt

So, not wanting a man to call us a b*tch is an unrealistic, fairy tale view of relationships? And resenting being called a name and/or cussed at is a sign of us demanding *perfection*? Maybe we get the whole *moan and cry for hours* thing from the romance novels...Yes, that's it! I can't imagine why your ex began to lose interest in "meeting your sexual needs".... Salt