Andrina

Obviously, you're willing to power through any obstacle. What you seem to be looking for is someone to say there's a high guarantee everything will work out exactly as you envision in this honeymoon stage, which is impossible for anyone to provide. Meeting up once a month for a day is more like what you would experience when meeting someone on a fun vacation--all enjoyment but without the full picture you'd experience with normal, local dating. I'd really make an attempt to find a ways and means to spend at least a week in her hometown. And I don't mean you should stay in her home (renting a hotel or air b&b for yourself), but being with her for longer than a day, throughout the week, perhaps you can gather relevant info about her. The type of people she hangs out with. How often she's receiving texts/calls on her phone, and if she seems to be hiding why her phone is always blowing up, or if it seems like normal activity. If she keeps a clean home. What she likes to do in her off time. If her family is overly involved and she lets them call the shots. If she's financially responsible. This is why LDRs are harder, because it takes 10 times longer or more to find out everything relevant you need to know about someone, and it's very costly. As long as you're willing to gamble all that extra time and money, go for it. Just be realistic and try to convert your fantasy life into reality because right now you're living in a one-dimensional situation.

The ball is in her court. You did what you needed to do. Sounds like you've double texted or reached out multiple times instead of waiting a longer amount of time to see whether or not she responded in a reasonable amount of time. Hard to be patient when you're into someone. You don't know her, so it could go either way. Either her way is more slow paced with communication, or she's cowardly in telling you she's not interested in further dates and hoping you will get the hint without her saying so, so that all of this will fade away. If it were me, I would no longer reach out and have a personal timeline in my mind that if she hasn't reached out, in say, 5 days, I will move on. No further communication necessary because you weren't in a relationship.

Not once have you considered that your behavior is the problem here, and he's likely had a lot more patience with you than most men would. Certainly, it's important to share with your spouse what you've gone through in your life, but when you're regularly bringing that up throughout the years, it's bringing him into that toxic world that you're apparently keeping alive with those conversations. IMO, people who lug around unhealthy emotional baggage cannot be a healthy partner to anyone. And if you really cared about him and he wants children, it'd be kinder to release him so he can find a partner who is clear she wants them. There are major things a couple should agree on, kids being one of them, that should be dealbreakers if there is incompatibility there. You being on the fence has no set deadline of resolving that, so you will be unfair if you expect him to take that risk. For yourself, and for you to one day be the best partner to someone as possible, do get therapy. You can also read books and articles on how to get rid of toxic baggage. I wish you the best for your healing journey.

Sometimes it's good to picture yourself as an old man sitting on a porch in a rocking chair and considering your entire life. After a lifetime of having a wonderful companionship with a woman, where she's taken care of you whenever you've been sick, enjoyed her company during vacations, laying beside each other every night and enjoying countless meals together. Possibly bringing new life into the world together. Sharing the load of responsibility for chores and finances. Once you've imagined all that: Does this issue you're ruminating about matter in the least? If she knew you were feeling this way, she'd be regretting doing the deed which you're now resenting her for. Will it make you feel better to now, that you're not a virgin, be with a woman who has lost her virginity one time, as you have, so you totally match in that department? Will you be the one who should be resented if you have sex with a virgin, since you are not equally "pure"? Do you see how all of this sounds so ridiculous? If you are going to hold this against her, do her a huge favor and break up now so she doesn't get further invested with a man who is silently seething. She doesn't deserve to pay for a crime she never committed.

With this statement, you act like you believe you'll be some kind of undercover person with a dangerous ulterior motive. I've heard interviews with numerous male rock stars who decided to play guitar and be singers and created or joined a band because it was a great way to meet and attract women. So what? Of course, you don't join a hobby or activity you really can't enjoy, but do think of joining clubs or starting hobbies you could enjoy. Reframe it as having several goals. To enjoy time with others versus being holed up in your room. It's not like you will find a mate in every social setting you attend, but you might make friends, either male or female in the process, plus enjoy the activity. When I was in community college, I tended to make more friends because of the physical education requirement courses. I took soccer, martial arts, and snow skiing (taught on an artificial grass slope). More time for interacting with classmates versus the few minutes before and after the professor's lecture. I joined the snow ski club and went on a ski trip by hired bus, and the president of the ski club had a very memorable Halloween party at his house. Great ways to have fun with everyone plus meet large groups of people. Briefly dated a few guys whom I met through these activities. Stop with your stifling thought processes of limiting your activities because you find it disingenuous. Many people have the goal of finding a partner and know they have to spread their nets wide to catch a keeper. And choose hobbies and interests you will stick to even when in a relationship. Don't give them up, nor ignore your friends because you want to spend every waking moment with a new love. People who have a healthy balance of time spent on various interests and time with friends, besides having a love life, are more attractive to a partner than someone who isolates themselves. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

The way you're wording things is the opposite of how it should be. He's the adult, so if he'd been a decent parent, there would be no bouncing. He's in charge of the dynamic. Hard to know anything from this post except that he's a bad father, and we don't even know if these kids are young or adults. I'm assuming you dated a few years before marriage, so if you didn't like an unmeshed life with him, why did you agree to marry? He probably wants you out of it because knowing more would prove he's a bad parent. You being barred from family events could mean he's a polygamist for all you know. It's happened to women. Not wanting to know about your children is probably because he doesn't flat out care. Only you know the percentage of time you are satisfied with the marriage versus unsatisfied. Whether or not his good traits, if any, are worth your anxiety. Perhaps you're a passive person with poor self-esteem and you've allowed life to happen to you without standards. Maybe now, you're getting a wake-up call and coming down from Cloud 9 to realize your life stinks. Only you can decide what to do now.

IMO, you left the ball in her court. I'd leave it there for her to lob back or not. Doesn't seem promising.

Ever hear of delayed gratification? It's what you should be doing versus what you're doing now. You're like a childish person who wants candy, and demands it now, and a whole bag of it, not caring that's it's unhealthy to eat that much and now you're too full for healthy things that will nourish your body. Time to learn a better way, because this way isn't working for you. Delayed gratification would be to go without male companionship for the moment, either romantic or sexual. Achieve self-worth in any way you can--reading books and articles. Therapy if needed. Build a fulfilling life in other areas that don't involve romance and sex. That can come later after you've build a firm foundation of self-love and passion for other things besides men. When you do all that, you will appear so much more appealing to DECENT men when your life doesn't revolve solely around them, and that you have confidence and standards. Maturity involves delayed gratification. Work toward that. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

No, it's not okay. When someone lugs around toxic emotional baggage, the partner is being punished for a crime he/she never committed. IMO, people who haven't ditched emotional baggage are not ready to be in a relationship. It's not fair nor healthy to anybody to be subjected to that. You're overlooking what should be a dealbreaker flaw because at your age, perhaps you don't know any better, and her attractiveness apparently overrides something that should be a major issue in your mind. In her VERY recent past, she has handled problems in toxic ways, including alcohol, sex in a way that's reactive instead of the normal good reasons one has it, and by lying. Most people don't change on a dime in one major way, let alone three. Stick around if you so choose, whether to accept all of this with eyes wide open, or to have a set timeline to wait and see if she is a brand new woman who has learned from past mistakes. Everyone has flaws, but please begin learning that there are huge differences between minor flaws and dealbreaker flaws. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Why would you even stay a second longer after he refrained from giving you this pertinent info? You need to raise your standards.

Good that you have a conscious as normal human beings do. But at present, the only thing you should now be thinking is: I was younger and stupider back then, so I need to give myself a break. I was human and even though did nothing ethically wrong, I feel now it was a mistake and wish I could turn back time, but I can't. So I'll feel good that everything worked out as it should have, and can move on with my good life.

Speaking as a woman, if I were into a guy, even if I wasn't available for the day and time he suggested, I'd suggest an alternate date and time when I was free. I wouldn't let a golden opportunity pass me by. She definitely declined because you gave her an entire week to choose from and you see what happened. Good for you for taking a chance, even if it didn't pan out. It's happened to most of us, including me. Now you can emotionally move on and grow to think of her as just another campus friend.

Can he afford to fly your way within the next few months? If he did, could you then afford to fly his way after he left within another few months? (I don't recommend you spend your money first.) To start with, if the answer to one or both is no, move on. It's not doable and you will be binding yourself to a cyber fantasy. LDRs have a high risk of failure when starting as one. So many cons. Expensive. Not a normal pace of dating. Not being able to see the reality of the person's actual life in their town. Easy to hide secrets. The stress of uprooting your whole lives to move to another location. Chemistry isn't there in person, even though the attraction was there online. I'm not a fan of LDRs. Besides OLD, there are plenty of ways you can pull out all the stops to meet men. Meetup.com groups. Volunteer work, like at Habitat for Humanity, at zoos and museums. Lessons in dance, cooking, art. Joining co-ed sports teams.

Well, I don't understand why you're posting again when you didn't take any of the advice given on your previous posts. This has all gotten so much worse, and yet still, you want to retain a connection with her. Can you not have the foresight of knowing that if you began dating a wonderful local lady, that when she found out you were in contact with a woman you were crazy about and actually flew out to try to see, that the local woman would make a quick exit from you? You'll sacrifice your happiness in life for someone who teases you and then pulls it all away just as fast? There are so many negatives, it's just too exhausting to type it all. Do you remember when the "Great Wizard of Oz" had the curtain pulled away, revealing he was a mere man using trickery to dupe everyone? Same situation, so why are you sticking around after the revelation happened? When you act like a doormat, that's exactly how you'll be used.

It's smarter to have a don't ask, don't tell policy with early dating on OLD. As in, you have to assume people are multi-dating when it's just initial first and second dates with various people. So yes, if someone asks you out and you're busy, you say "I have plans. I'm free on X, or Y or Z." But yes, a person pressing you like this guy did is rude and out of line, so giving him the truth is the opposite of what you want to do. As said, it's a red flag because his interrogation is unacceptable. Now, when you're having repeat dates with someone and it's going well, and you're both wanting to be physically affectionate, it is not out of line for you and or a guy to ask, "I was wondering what your dating style is. Do you like to multi-date for a short time, or a longer period like two or three months before deciding to become exclusive?" Because people have certain comfort levels of how they like to date, so that's fine to bring up and see if whom you're dating is on the same page. It's just how people go about those talks in deciding to go further or to stop. As far as your telling the truth goes, make sure you don't have black and white standards for that. There are grey areas. Just because a person asks you something, doesn't mean you have to answer. Such as if a guy, who is in a relationship with you or not, asks how many men you've slept with. IMO, you can instead say something like, "I find that info irrelevant. What is relevant is my relationship history which shows I have the capability of being in a long term relationship, and know how to be a good partner."

Whatever good exists in this relationship isn't enough to override the bitter feelings that your expectations of him contributing financially, a reasonable expectation, is not being met. My first husband acted in some ways somewhat similar. He always worked but after he left the military, he did a fun job whereas he was spending more money in gas than he was practically making. Men like this are childish. I remember yelling at him that I was working my butt off, plus overtime, but we couldn't even have a reward like one nice vacation per year because he was doing a basic job a teen could do. Your man is selfish because he's not making a sacrifice of doing any job available so that all financial responsibilities don't fall onto your shoulders. He's berating you for the situation, but he's not married to you so he's a free agent. If he doesn't like the situation, he can leave. I wouldn't even have any more discussions except one to break up. This is how he operates in life, so to expect major changes from him is foolhardy. Good luck in your career.

Besides her not caring that she's hurting you by keeping you connected to her, under her terms, she's not good gf material because she's dating a man and continues to communicate with a man who is crazy about her. That's not how ethically responsible and caring people act. You cannot bond with a single lady locally when you're ready to date, nor is it a nice thing to do like this toxic woman is doing herself, to stay in contact. If you do learn from this and see the situation as the toxic mess it is, you're bound to repeat the same pattern over and over. Get off the hamster wheel and block her.

How old are you all? Not that you have to stop group partying altogether when you begin to live more mature lives as time goes by. But yeah, when you decide to be in a serious relationship, usually your leisure time evolves into something that doesn't compromise the sanctity of your union. The regular partying with the gang usually lessens, and there is more of double dates and maybe having your few closest friends over for meals and to go on mini trips with. Instead of trying to mold yourself into a man who should not be uncomfortable with you partner texting anybody she wants to, regardless of a past romantic partner or a new guy buddy, be real with yourself about your comfort levels because women actually exist who will share what relationship boundaries you would prefer. Really, you should always have a discussion when considering whether or not to become exclusive with someone. Better late than never. What boundaries would you like about communicating with the opposite sex? Perhaps you're okay with someone who's been a childhood friend, but not an ex love interest. Whatever the rules, tell her yours and see if she is willing to abide by the same. If not, this relationship will be full of upsets and trust issues. She is choosing an ego boost or whatever nonsense she gets from this guy over your discomfort. She expects you can enjoy yourself with some blowhard trying to rile you in this "friend" group? Sorry, but that's messed up and she only cares about herself. She doesn't have it in her apparently, to be the caring partner you deserve.

Never too late to learn how to establish boundaries. There are plenty of books on the subject, so I suggest reading some of them. Sometimes you can teach people how to treat you, and if they don't treat you right, you can temporarily remove yourself from their presence or the phone conversation. If they want the pleasure of your company, they have to abide by the rules. I would no longer have serious discussions with your sister on the phone since she allows others to hear the discussion. Tell her you will discuss important matters in person only. You can leave a person's house or hang up the phone the moment you feel uncomfortable with the way you're feeling because of their treatment. Don't allow yourself to be pulled into arguments or defending yourself. You're an adult and don't need anyone else's approval. If you want advice, you'll ask. Limit time with them if they don't improve. Some people choose to totally cut toxic relatives from their lives. I, for one, am happy that many of my relatives live far from me, and that we sparingly see each other. So nice to choose friends, as said, as the supportive circle where you can really enjoy your leisure, extra time. Take care.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. In your shoes, there's no way I would ever stay with a partner after this revelation. When I have hard thing to handle, I break up tasks needing to be done for specific times/days. Not everything needs to be handled at once. Some things can be handled later that you don't urgently need to attend to. Do little things for yourself that will bring joy, even if it's brief. I made myself a delicious smoothie the other day, so I'm just giving an example. I'm dealing with my own family issue with my elderly father having Alzheimers--a different problem, but those little things of joy I do for myself gives me a breather from dealing with this newish, major problem. Concentrate on your kids right now, since their mother's mental state is going off the deep end right now. Be sure to institute custody rules when it comes down to that, that your children not be in the presence of any strange men she might bring home for brief trysts. Don't know what can be drawn up, but if it were me, I'd find out which boundaries could be legally agreed upon. Good luck.

You may be asking if she's a narcissist, but my question is, "Are you a masochist?" Pretty sure the answer is yes, because I'm guessing you still haven't blocked her and deleted all photos and past messages. One more sign she isn't the loving person you once assumed, is that she flaunted the flowers that another man gave her. Yet you stick around for any type of connection with her, including toxicity, after she's shown you her true colors. How do you move on? Learn from your mistakes and use this solo time to work on your self-worth and resiliency. There will be no moving on and closure until you block her. That's the second you can begin to reach the day you no longer think of her daily. And then vow to never date long distance ever again. That way of dating has a very high risk of failure and you've already wasted a year of your life in nowhere-land. Once you've healed, I don't recommend OLD for you to begin the search for romance. I'd do other things to get yourself into the real world such as Meetup.com groups, volunteer work, dance lessons, book discussion groups, cooking or painting lessons, etc. Please take everyone's advice here as we can be more objective than you at this point. You'll be more subjective and are more prone to letting your heart override your brain until you get some time and distance away from this unhealthy situation. Let us know of your progress. You can do this!

Well, your divorce happened not too long ago if I remember what you previously wrote. During this time period, all your mixed emotions are normal. His recent letter likely reminded you of who you once thought he was, in his kindest and loving moments. I was in a mentally abusive first marriage, though for different reasons. He never cheated. Though I was way beyond never wanting to get back together with him, there was a period of time I would tell people the worst stories of how he treated me, and began noticing while doing this, it would dredge up all those angry feelings as if I was experiencing the whole scene all over again. I tired of torturing myself like that, and am at a more peaceful place since I stopped doing that. The experience of doing all that taught me something about myself, so I guess I had to go through those steps to learn that. Having known the worst of life, getting to live the chapters of my life since then have felt so much sweeter. I appreciate my present husband that much more, knowing what the flip side looked like. Just as I'm sure you're appreciating your present bf. If you receive any more letters from the ex, I suggest shredding them, as you can see you do yourself a disservice by allowing him access to you. I think anger can be okay if you're not being hounded by it daily. As years go by, the anger might lessen and that's okay, as long as you vow to let your brain override your heart as far as softening to him if he manages to reach out. There's also power in indifference. Give yourself time and trust you'll learn more all about how you should go about things for your best interest.

It's clear that after the third date he decided he's just not that into you. And the New York thing sounded like a built-in excuse. I wouldn't even buy into the fact that's true. But instead of taking note of the lack of communication from him as a clear sign of this, or not being patient to see if he actually reached out, you communicated four times without a response, then gave a passive-aggressive tongue lashing calling him "stranger." It's clear you lack self-worth or you wouldn't have kept making the effort you did when the same wasn't given in return. Perhaps if you learn self-love, and stop with the tongue-lashings, you will attract better prospects. Read some books on better communication and boosting your self-worth. Always room for improvement. I've done the same myself in the past and present. It was pointed out to me once how sarcastic I could be, and I improved in that area. Good luck.

I don't mean that it was too soon to discuss something. When a person is a normal dating prospect, there are things you can discuss about certain things that aren't egregious like how this man behaved. Such as, if a man invites you over to his place on a second date, you can discuss with him that you don't think it's a good idea to go there yet, and you'd rather meet in public. In your case, the man hasn't given some lame excuse about missing the date because of falling asleep, etc., among other extreme traits/faults/behavior. I meant that he wasn't worth discussing anything with because his behavior was so poor and flaky that he's showing you exactly who he is, and hoping for improvement from a guy like that is a waste of time and energy. Yes, having to discuss the things you say were an issue is an indicator he's not a good dating prospect.

You were not exclusive. He didn't owe you any particular way of communication. At these beginning stages, you observe the behavior and when you see behavior that doesn't match how you want to be in a dating situation, simply realize this person isn't for you. You shouldn't be so invested in this stage where you're trying to form what you want as if he's a piece of clay to be contorted into what you desire. Confronting? Pressuring? Calling someone out over broken promises? If you feel the need to do this after weeks of knowing someone, it means you should no longer put effort into something that's not promising nor enjoyable. You simply say to him, "This is not working for me. I wish you well."