Pumpkins

I was hoping he would leave so I could find a roommate for this place to resign in may. It’s just painful to be around him because I’m sad. If I left to stay with a friend at least I wouldn’t have to be guilt tripped when I get home and feel trapped.

Thank you. He is co leasee. I have sent my bf away for a week to stay with his parents so I can have some time alone to think clearly without him here. Because when he’s here he’s saying a lot of things trying to convince me to change my mind and he’s crying and freaking out. When he comes back I will re-iterate my desire to have him leave. I thought some time apart would do me some good to get my thoughts in order.

I keep questioning if I’m doing the right thing and he is saying a lot of things to make me feel guilty and I sure do feel guilty. I hope it’s the right decision in the end.

He is on the lease unfortunately even though he doesn’t pay. If he doesn’t go then I’m going to stay at a friends house who gave me their key as a back up in case he doesn’t leave willingly

Update to everyone following: I decided to kick him out and then he started immediately applying to jobs. I decided it didn’t matter because he was not willing to before. Did not go well and he says I’ll never see him or our dog ever again if I make him move out. He also partially blamed me and said he had no idea I wanted him to get a job because I enabled his behavior by supporting him, but now he will “fix this issue” and that he “had no idea it was an issue.” I decided to be firm with kicking him out despite him saying he would find a job here. I decided this was best. I shouldn’t have to push someone to take a job who then blames me for their lack of desire to do so. Now he refusing to leave. thank you everyone for all your supportive comments and perspectives.

Hello everyone I appreciate all the time and thought put into your posts. It means a lot to have some feedback. Sometimes this situation just makes me feel like I’m crazy/in the wrong. I did put my foot down and say he has to move out in May if he doesn’t get a job but I feel it is my last straw and not sure if I can make it until May because I’m so beyond frustrated. He did start applying for jobs after this discussion. But jobs out of state and jobs in his field that are away in another city and/or remote. He’s not applying for any of the blue collar jobs he could get hired for tomorrow that I mentioned earlier. I still don’t think he’s willing to do so

I think this is a very good way to phrase things. I did tell him recently that he would have to move out when the lease ends at our place if he didn’t have a job to contribute financially

This is why I’m frustrated. Yeah , you are right, if he was alone he would have to work any job to support himself. But when I bring that up he says that he wouldn’t have to work here in the middle of nowhere if I didnt match into residency here.

He burned bridges with his old job so he cannot return. If he returned home he would have to stay with his parents because he has no money in the bank anymore.

I appreciate hearing a different perspective. Thank you. I don’t agree with strict gender roles either which is how I ended up in this situation. And if I did, I probably would not have pursued being a physician as it is more of a male dominated profession anyway. I know things have been hard on him. I do wish that he could see a therapist or a doctor to get help but he doesn’t have health insurance through me because we are not married. I don’t think I could afford for him to go see one anyway. He is not motivated to seek out help either. I feel like I have to pressure things to get them done because he is so depressed, which makes him unmotivated and then more depressed as a result. I wish he didn’t have to give up his situation in life to be with me, and it makes me feel guilty every day that he moved out here to be with me. He used to have a job, a place, friends, and some money. I just don’t know if I can this longer especially if he is not willing to change something, it is a lot of extra emotional baggage on top of my already stressful career. And I financially cannot provide this lifestyle for much longer, because we go out to eat and do things all the time. My bills will get significantly higher next year with my loan payments resuming. I just wish he was willing to at least get a part time job to help. If it was me (but I am extremely motivated) I would get a job, any job, just to get out of the house. Even if it was target or Walmart or something just to make a little bit of money. I am offended he is not willing to do that just to help out. I get it he is depressed which makes it hard. But I sometimes feel I am the adult in the relationship when he is ten years older than me. I did not force him into this situation, I wish something would change because I hate that we are in this situation.

I think he is being unrealistic with his career goals unfortunately. There are few jobs out here where we live for what he does. The only places that have his jobs are nyc and Los Angeles. He works in the artsy/entertainment industry. He tried to get jobs in the field when we moved out there but didn’t work out.

He is aware that it is important for me. He says he’s working on trying to find a job but that the types of jobs in our town would make him more depressed than he currently is.

Thank you for your response. It helped me think about a lot of things. I wanted to respond to a couple you said. 2. We do make love like once a week but it’s frustrating to me that he wants more and more. We do go on romantic dates at least weekly (even despite me sometimes working 80 hour weeks). He always wants to go out and I try my best to show him but it’s always going to be less than what he wants because he’s waiting all day for me to return home - at times I work 10 days in a row for 12 hour shifts. And it’s hard to find time during those long stretches. 3. I don’t want him to pay for half of everything necessarily and I know he may never make as much as a physician, but right now I have a lot of debt (hundreds of thousands) and I cannot keep up this support unless we move to an apartment next year or he starts contributing. I have to start paying back loans. even just $500 a month which is not a lot would help substantially. I just also want him to have something to do so that he isn’t sitting at home waiting for me to come home every day. I want him to socialize and have friends and have his own life outside of me. Because he doesn’t, I am his everything and I have to be extra attentive because he hasn’t spoken to anyone all day 4. it really is kinda middle of no where. There are some places to go, coffee shops some bars some restaurants but not a lot and we have been to them all. He is used to going to new places. There are no new places because we’ve done it all. But I am at work all day so going to the same places on the weekends doesn’t bother me quite as much. Although it would be nice if the town was bigger.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We started dating when I was in medical school. I was forced to move to a really small town in the middle of nowhere 6 months into our relationship and my boyfriend followed me. He left his job and told me that he left it because it was a toxic work environment, not just because I had to move. That year, it was difficult for him to find a job in the middle of nowhere. The following year I had the choice to live somewhere else, I gave him the option to either live in NYC (my hometown) or his hometown, he chose NYC because there were more job opportunities for his career, and he was hoping I might match into residency there after graduating medical school. We lived there for a year and things were good, then I matched into residency in the middle of nowhere place again, this time being forced to stay there for 4 years. Now that I’m in the middle of nowhere, he tells me he sacrificed so much for me whenever we fight and that I don’t show appreciation for it. He says because I chose to live in NYC during that one year, he spent all of his life savings there just to be with me. In this middle of nowhere town, he tells me several times a week when I come home from work (I’m a resident intern – busy schedule), how miserable and unhappy he is living here, having no friends, no job, nothing to do. I encourage him to apply for jobs but he says that he isn’t willing to go backwards in life and work demeaning jobs that would hurt his mental health (blue collar work or retail-which is most of the jobs in the middle of nowhere town). He has been very depressed. As a resident intern, I have a modest salary, and I spend every dime of it on us, I pay for 100% of the bills (groceries, rent, utilities, outings, activities) and we have been here for about 8 months now. I even got a house with a yard (for his dog), the house has an entire office for him to be comfortable in to work from home/job search while I’m at work. If I was alone, I would’ve gotten an apartment because it’s cheaper and I have significant education loans to pay off. He says often that I need to show more passion/love in our relationship to show appreciation for all the sacrifices he has made to follow me around the country. But I think I’m showing passion by being supportive of him and providing for him, we also go on a lot of dates. On a side note, this also frustrates me at times as well because he's always wanting to go out (multiple times per week) for dinners/bars/activities, which I feel is partially because he is not fulfilled right now. I enjoy it, but sometimes it feels like a lot, I don't get how that is not showing passion? He says that paying for things isn’t passion, it’s to help him get back on his feet until he can find an actual job. But I’m offended he’s not willing to take blue collar work to just help out a little bit, even a few hundred dollars would help. I got him a job interview at the place I work but they only wanted a full time employee, and he wasn’t willing to work full time. He wanted a part time gig so he could work on his true career passion on the side, so he wasn't hired. This really frustrates me. Note: he does do a lot for me, passion-wise, I guess compared to me. He doesn’t work though and has more time than I do. He plans fun things to do, cleans the house, often will cook dinner a few times a week, tells me how beautiful I am and gives me lots of affection, attention, love. I could do more, but sometimes it feels like I’m not feeling passionate after working many hours in a week (often 60+). I don’t know what to do, I feel lost, who is even in the wrong here, it feels so complicated and I just feel this bitterness growing in me for some reason and I don’t know why I would feel this way about someone I love so much.