Andrina

This is the point of dating. Seeing over time how a partner behaves, and whether or not you're a good match, that there aren't any deal breakers, and if you're satisfied more often than upset. Take it all in and act accordingly for your best interest. Long distance dating is the hardest form of dating there is. I believe that often when one seeks this out, as apparently she did with you, that local dating is worse for her because a guy will see more quickly how she is poor dating material and dump her in a flash. He will see skeletons in her closet far sooner, or negative traits. When I did OLD, I limited dating guys who lived within a 45 minute drive from me. It takes dating a boatload of people to find the right match. Dating within close proximity allowed me to find out far sooner what a person was really like. I cut most loose, allowing me to stay single until meeting my future husband. This took me about 2 and a half years. If I'd entertained the idea of communicating for lengthy amounts of time with the myriad of long distance guys who contacted me (even though I'd written I only dated locally), my search for a forever partner might have taken 10 times longer. If I were you, I'd supplement OLD with Meetup.com and other ways to get yourself out into the world. Volunteering at a zoo or museum or environmental cleanups. Classes in cooking or dancing or painting. Book discussions groups, co-ed sports are other ways to meet singles or people who might know someone who is your age and single for a set-up. Good luck.

Not that a person needs a large support group, but do you mean you have no close friends? It's normal to be upset over a breakup, even if it was the right thing to happen. If you don't have a fulfilling life outside of dating, then breakups will be more devastating. If you're lacking in friendships, interests and hobbies, and don't have a passion for anything besides a man in your life, it's time to build that foundation before dating again. In past posts, advice was given to build your self-esteem. It's okay to go through the normal grief stage of mourning a relationship, but you can at the same time seek healthy ways to bolster your self-love. Read positive affirmations in books or on the Internet, and post these on your mirror, refrigerator, etc., if it will help. Here's an example: 1. I feel the love of others who are not around me. 2. I am an amazing gift to myself, my friends, and the world. I am too much of an amazing gift to feel self-pity. 3. I love and appreciate myself. I am who I am and I love myself. 4. I do not need the company of others to feel complete. I am more than enough. I enjoy being in my own solitude. 5. The past no longer matters. It has no control over me. What only matters is the present. What I do in the present will shape my future. The past has no say in this. 6. Everything that I need will be provided to me at the right time and the right place. When something is meant to happen it will happen. Take care.

Basically, when you have someone who will always be a part of your life, and they have flaws that irritate you, or you have differences in opinions about things that will start fights, you just have to change things to avoid future conflict. Just giving an example even if this is a one-time instance, locking your bedroom door would've prevented this. I know nothing about your normal relationship with her, and if this wasn't a habit of hers, of course you wouldn't know to lock the door. I'm just giving an example of a boundary. You can come up with your own boundaries to put in place if there are regularly occurring borders being crossed. If the person doesn't admit she's wrong, it's nothing you can change. What you can say is, "We have different views of what's okay in this situation. Regardless, I'm asking that you don't open my packages without my permission, even if you see nothing wrong with it."

According to an article on businessinsider.com: "A one-year discrepancy in a couple's ages, the study found, makes them 3 percent more likely to divorce (when compared to their same-aged counterparts); a 5-year difference, however, makes them 18 percent more likely to split up. And a 10-year difference makes them 39 percent more likely." Something to consider when dating someone that much older than you. Another thing to consider is the child's age and how much time the guy has to date you. Younger children usually require a lot more time with parents versus an older teen who spends a lot of time with friends and are more independent if they are old enough to drive and have a part time job, etc. Sometimes things are on overdrive at the beginning and a person makes things happen for regular dating even with the hardships of being a single parent. But then things might taper off and you see how it really will be if you continue on with a busy, involved parent. I don't know how long you've been dating, but certainly if you continue for 3 or 4 months, and becoming exclusive is on the table, you should certainly speak of how he plans to proceed with his living arrangements if you two were on the path of becoming a longterm couple. You need to know if you will be okay with his living arrangements if he plans to forever live with his parents. How do you feel about eventually becoming a step parent if things last with you two? When I met my husband, his daughter was 13. She and I got along well, but it's always stressful to form a blended family as everyone gets used to a new dynamic. And if a child isn't accepting of a parent's new partner, the stress, of course, can triple. Just some things to think about when dating. I know I rejected dating someone who had a five year old, since he'd have zero weekends available as well as every Wednesday. The two years before I met my husband, he in fact lived with his mother and stepfather because the child's mother was a deadbeat mom. He worked 10 hours days, so his retired mother would bring his daughter to school and pick her up. That was a time period that was temporary and where the situation worked well for their family. Can I ask how old you are? Good luck whatever you decide.

Only one month after the last contact is not a long time. For me, when no contact started, 4 months was usually the time when I stopped thinking of an ex on a daily basis. Not only is taking a trip pleasurable, but people generally get a great deal of pleasure by planning a trip. It's a great way to keep from wallowing in thoughts of an ex. You can use the present time to learn a new language if you don't speak the language of a place you're visiting. Google fun things you can do there and make a loose itinerary. Buy some new walking shoes/hiking boots/clothing specifically for the trip. Good luck!

Well, when you are not in love with someone, and he's a mere prospect for dating, why begin dating someone who is this busy? Never think someone like this will ever be less busy, and will magically turn into a person who has a satisfactory amount of time to date you. This is a time in your life you will be meeting the largest pool of single men you will ever meet in your life. And many do meet their lifetime companions in college. You're already frustrated with the situation, so why continue when you had one good date, but otherwise, everything else has fallen flat? In the future, don't let a stranger know where you live. Believe me--after doing several years of online dating in the past, I'm so happy I met all the guys for a meet up in public. Several were downright crazy. Don't let the fact that you communicated a few months before meeting cloud the reality that you don't really know him. And why the heck did the both of you need courage to meet up, like you were both plunged into a lion's den? Why is dating so scary to you? Ever hear the saying, "It's just lunch."? You've wasted a lot of time on him before seeing the reality that he's not good dating material. In the future, if a guy doesn't ask you out within 2 weeks, move on. It means he's either taken and not saying so, has other secrets to hide, or just isn't that into you. When a guy has excuses during a time he should be excited about seeing you, talking to you, and makes regular plans to show this, then it's time to stay single so you can hold out for someone who actually has time for you.

Your whole post reeks of your lack of self-esteem. You can't think much of yourself to reach out to someone who has ignored you repeatedly. People are regularly bombarded with problems and daily stress. If he was truly going through something and was into you, he'd let you know he had to deal with it and give you a timeline where he could make an effort in dating you. Instead, he went silent and was rewarded with you offering to be his shoulder to cry on. You exude the aura you're giving out to the world--that you're fearful of trusting a guy, that you put up walls, but on the other side of the coin, as soon as he utters his pretty words, you cling to him like a barnacle even as he tries to pry you off. Dysfunction attracts dysfunction, so until you work on your self-worth, you're bound to repeat this pattern again and again. Never take what anyone says as fact or a huge sign of fluffy emotions as meaning you'll be together longterm at this beginning stage. That's when hormones are running amuck. Good signs are when a guy is patient about not being intimate. He wants to get to know you and is happy spending time with you doing other things besides making out. When you give the gift of your body before you know the guy's intentions, it makes a woman want to bond with a guy if he's not right for her. A lot more hormones are released in a woman that causes this--far fewer released in the man which is why men don't experience this same phenomenon as often. I'd suggest not dating again until you boost your self worth, and can date without fear (think of it as enjoying someone's company for the moment with a wait-and-see attitude). Learn to cut people off who don't give as much effort as they get. Read books on how to date wisely. And no, you can no longer be friends. You've crossed that boundary by having sex. No new guy you begin to date will want to continue if he finds out you chat with a guy you boinked. Why you'd want a friend who drifted away from you anyway is mind boggling to me. Most people move away from pain and move toward positivity. You have a lot of work to do on yourself since your behavior is strange in that you're doing the opposite of this.

Yes, I was only going down another avenue of possibility, guessing what the poster's deal is so perhaps he can self-reflect. The problems are so numerous, including poor ethics, and no woman should be subjected to this. There is no happy future with future prospects without self-improvement and a total exploration of all the issues.

It's really strange that a couple during a two year period would never discuss why they aren't having sex--why they're relationship hasn't progressed beyond kissing. And why she put up with 2 years of never being invited to your apartment. She sounds as out of the ordinary as you in lacking skills to be in a healthy relationship. How often do you watch porn in the average week? I'm just guessing that there's a chance you're addicted, as men who are are happy with getting off on that, prefer it over doing it with a real live woman. You had a real live woman in your life for 2 years, and were quite all right with abstaining, otherwise you would've spoken up. Perhaps the porn addiction is something she'd become aware of if invited over to your place. This is my guess according to the situation you've described, reading between the lines.

You'll never be a partner's priority when said partner has an addiction. Whether it be gambling, porn, alcohol, or narcotics, the addiction comes above any person in that addicted person's life. Is that where you want to be on the rungs of her life? Below a shot of tequila? You aren't in a good headspace to date when you're willing to settle. Even if you have to wait longer to be intimate with a woman, take this time to get to a happy place solo. That's the only way you will attract, and be attracted to, a quality woman.

I told you to do this weeks ago and you didn't. Your closure will be far faster when you complete this task. If they haven't blocked him, that's their decision. But it's your decision that you don't want to hear about it when he contacts them, so tell all of them that today.

When a guy is really into you, he makes this crystal clear. He knows you're likely speaking to other guys. If he was totally into you, he'd be thinking: I need to stand out from the crowd. I can't let this great catch get away. I can't wait to talk to her today. I hope she's available Friday because I really want to see her. Obviously, this isn't him. I wouldn't waste anymore time with him. If it were me, if he just texted again and didn't making plans to see me soon, I'd explain how I'm really looking for someone to get together with a few times a week, and so obviously there's a lack of compatibility. Really think about your plans of being "casual" and not serious. What exactly does this look like? It's common for people to multi-date until seeing who stands out from all the rest, but do you want to be kissing and/or be intimate with more than one guy? It's a lot of juggling, and you might lose out on one great guy if he assumes you're not doing that with anyone else and then finds out your are. Of course you can't be serious with someone you've just met, but if things go well over several months, you can think of it as seeing where things will lead without outside interference of multi-dating. Just giving you examples as I don't know if you've really thought about what casual means. To me, casual means short term relationships that end when it gets to the point you don't want to put in the daily effort a serious relationship requires, like regular texting and a regular pattern of getting together, etc. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Some families are too close, such as what I'm suspecting reading this. There's no damn way I'd agree to moving within a stone's throw to my parents, his parents, or other relatives at this young age when you're venturing out on your own and forming an adult life. Of course, it's great to be close to family, but in some cases, some parents instill these expectations into a child that even when grown, the parents will demand physical proximity and never give up control. As you can see, your bf already shows how he's influenced by his parents on how he handles his sister. He kowtows to their wishes. Always assume how things are in the present will not change for the better in the future. That's naive, wishful thinking. What would happen if he told his parents he doesn't want to purchase a property on theirs? Will they berate him? You should realize this might mean you will never be the priority you should be as the partner of your significant other. Does his parents' opinion always override yours in unreasonable ways? Be very cautious about setting yourself up for a lifetime of miserable family dynamics if he's under his family's thumb.

If he's a bit shy, he might feel more comfortable if you do the reaching out. Yeah, a bit lame, but my husband initially did the same thing when we connected on OLD. I think it had to do with a slight bit of lack of confidence. I'd be more concerned of how long he dated his ex, because if it was a longterm, serious relationship, it will take him a while to emotionally be ready to date again. If it were me, I'd wait a few weeks and then call and see how he likes his new job, but then leave the ball in his court, even after he responds. Because the best way to gauge someone's interest is to not always be first to initiate communication. Some people just like the ego boost of a fan, and might act with a false interest, but they never really get around to asking out the person who's crushing. Give yourself a reasonable timeline of exiting if he doesn't eventually ask you out on a proper date.

If you don't want to be 80 by the time you meet someone who meets ALL of your must-haves, cut off guys with what should be dealbreakers like the one you mentioned, as soon as you see the dealbreaker. You're just wasting time with someone like this while you're letting the opportunity slip by to date someone who treats you the way you want to be treated. It usually does take dating a boatload of people to find that special one who treats you how you should be treated. I don't know what you've been doing to meet men, but maybe look into other avenues you haven't tried before to meet quality men.

Of course you can still be cordial with group friend activities, but I suggest no longer having a one-on-one friendship with him. No more long chats, etc. The friendship when one has had a crush and there has been kissing can never go back to what it once was. Not good for either of you for moving onto romances with other partners. He will have zero time for you when he finds a woman he's crazy about. The same should happen to you when you meet a great guy who adores you and it's mutual. Start making the change now for your own good.

When you are no longer happy with a doctor's services, a restaurant you used to frequent but now has changed its menu for the worst, etc., you stop doing business with said office/restaurant. This is the same situation, so stop doing business with her.

You need a break from dating. For one thing, until you get into the mindset that you're not frightened to date, don't. And don't date until you've worked on boosting your self-esteem. Books and articles can guide you on how to achieve this. Because we subconsciously choose who we think is worthy of us. When your self esteem is low, you will attract and be attracted to guys who treat you poorly. When you have good self esteem, you will stick to a must-have list and a dealbreaker list. You keep the guys who live up to your standards and dump the guys who don't. When you have to nag someone to pay attention to you, you're going about things the wrong way. That's totally unnecessary. You realize a person who has to be schooled on treating you as the special person you are is not the ideal partner. Of course there are times communication is warranted when reasonable, and then you give a person a chance to improve on the reasonable request. If they don't, it means they don't care and you can move on. Always have a fulfilling life besides dating so that when a break up happens, it won't be as devastating as it would if he's the sole center of your universe.

From WellandGood.com: Constant yessing is a great way to guarantee an experience of inevitable burnout. Someone who is saying yes to everything (like dinner, drinks, dates, extra work, your cousin’s dog wedding on a Wednesday) can't possibly want to be doing each item on the to-do list. To this point, saying no requires courage and conviction because it puts you at risk for being “unlikable” and certain personality types find it cognitively difficult to not be agreeable. That leads to “poor decision-making, anxiety or difficulties in interpersonal relationships,” according to 2016 research published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience. Sound familiar? Your whole life needs an overhaul. Therapy, a life coach, a passion for something like a hobby or volunteering opportunity. A support system of guy friends. I can tell you that not one woman I know of, including myself, would ever date a guy who pays for lap dances and regularly goes to strip clubs. I would never date a guy who has no opinions of his own and is in a sense sucking out my identity and absorbing it into his own. That's creepy and stalker-like. A person with no opinion is boring. It doesn't mean you have to have one if you're not into a particular subject matter, but what do you have to bring to the table as far as starting an interesting conversation? It's also frustrating if a woman expects you to plan a date and you're asking her all the time, what do you want to do? Where do you want to eat? You're the queen, so let your rulings be heard through the land. Newsflash: the only thing a doormat is good for is to wipe the mud off your shoes. Keep doing what you're doing and you will find yourself exactly where you are now: alone. When more than one person gives the same sort of advice, maybe it's time for you to listen.

After 12 dates, if she was truly into you, she would have asked you to fix the breath and cologne instead of dumping you. She's still not into you and likes the ego boost--having an extreme fan. She's selfish, knowing she's getting the attention she wants even if it means leaving you frustrated and unsatisfied. A beautiful face and body doesn't mean a person has a beautiful heart. She's going to dump you all over again or fade away. Use the power of self-worth and don't let this happen. Step away yourself. Block and delete. The right woman will make it crystal clear how into you she is. Hold out for her.

I can say that a few people I knew who were at this type of crossroads and chose to marry, things didn't end well. Never stay in hopes of a person improving and hopes that love will conquer all. If you're not totally happy with how things are in the present, it's naive and too high of a risk to your heart to base decisions on what MIGHT happen in the future. If she happened to read what you've written here, unless her self-love is zero, do you really think she'd want to continue on with you? I know I'd want a man like you to free me to find someone who has great chemistry with me. Do you really think settling is doing you or her a favor? You have a lot to learn about life, so I suggest being alone to get some time and distance away from a wrong match to clear your head and be able to recognize a better match.

After typing all of that, I can't believe you'd even consider staying. When you're unattached, you might hang out with friends and be wild and crazy and not have to be accountable to anyone. When you enter into a serious relationship, a person intent on being in a healthy romance will either change the activities they do with wild friend, and if the wild friend isn't interested in toned down activities, that friend is shoved to the back burner. Because if a friendship is something that interferes with a serious partnership, one of those relationships have to go. They often can't coincide. Your bf isn't accountable to you. He did not invite you to the party, nor tell you about it. That alone should be a dealbreaker for you. There's one or more reasons he didn't want you there. None of them reasonable. The bad outweighs whatever charm he schmoozes. If you keep choosing the same type of guy, you might want to reflect on why. Are you missing red flags? Take care and let us know how it goes.

Since you haven't had enough life experience and more dating relationships, you haven't realized that being with someone with a different libido than you should be a dealbreaker. Do you really think you can't have it all? Of course there are other women in the world who you also enjoy their company plus match in all the other ways including intimacy. Just because you've been together years, doesn't mean you have to stay forever. It's common to outgrow youthful relationships once you move into being an adult. She will be upset with the breakup, but much later she'll know you did her a favor. This will free her to find someone who matches her as well. Because being with someone who isn't satisfied with exactly who you are is no way to live. You'll be doing the right thing, as upsetting as it is. Take care.

I once did years of OLD. As previously said, you can't take what a stranger says as fact. Don't be so naive. Have a wait and see attitude, if it even gets that far. Trying to figure out why a stranger does what he does is pointless. You do you and if it doesn't pan out, there's a good reason. The right person won't leave you hanging. He will put in the effort. He will treat you like the special person you are. Everyone else--be grateful they showed you who they are quickly so you don't waste your time.

Pay for a Dominatrix woman's services, since your passivity, desperation, and routine of going to strip clubs will never attract a mentally healthy partner. With no improvement to your mindset, you will have to pay for sex the rest of your life, so yes, work on getting a good career to afford this.