Andrina

Even without all the negatives you've mentioned, why date someone long distance when that makes it harder to regularly easily date? And then if it did work out, one has to uproot themselves from their career, family, and friends. Even if 2 hours isn't egregious, it still makes things more difficult to get together with loved ones several hours away. The other con is the age difference. He'd be retiring 15 years before you. His elderly health problems will occur 15 years before yours. And you have to be realistic about looks. In his 40s, this won't be an issue, but when he's 65 and you're 50, you will begin to see a huge difference. I limited myself to dating men within a 45 minute drive from me. You get to know someone far quicker when they live a stone's throw away and it's far more convenient for a normal dating experience.

He has the energy to scroll on his phone. He'd have the energy to caress your hair while you two watch t.v. and and would have the energy to poke around on his phone to order you flowers or a gift you'd like. You communicated your wishes more than once. It was a reasonable request. A partner who cares would want to please you and your happiness would be a priority for him. I wouldn't even try any more with him. Yes, you deserve better.

If you can afford to pay his mother rent, you could afford to rent a room in someone else's place. As in another female's residence, mother-in-law suite, an air-b-n-b, and the list goes on. What you want now in a relationship might do a 360 within the next decade. People usually change a lot while maturing and through life experiences. If you of you wants to break up in the future, it's a lot harder to do while cohabiting. And as for his mother, she was venting as it's not fun to have people outside your family take up residence in your home, even if you will one day be family. She could have been more caring in her delivery of her wishes, but unfortunately not everybody operates with tact. You don't need this stress, especially as college needs your total focus and is stressful in itself. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Being buddies, hanging out with an ex and maintaining regular communication will make your future dating pool far smaller than if you don't engage in this behavior. Many people won't date a person attached to their ex. I know I chose never to do this and none of my friends or relatives engage in that behavior either. Be prepared if you meet a lady you want to date and she's all for it until you tell her, "Hey, I'm going over to Shannon's place. She's my ex and we're going to watch a slasher movie."

When someone is living an alternative lifestyle, why would you think she would behave like an average dating partner with you? Can you explain this statement?

Assuming this is a brand new relationship, if you're overdoing the get togethers, then even if he hasn't seemed to mind up to now, when the newness of the relationship wears off, that could change. But without knowing how much time you're spending together now, it's hard to say if you have a problem on your hands or not. It is important to have a healthy balance with all the important facets of your life. Of course you want to spend a lot of time with a SO, but also make sure you're finding joy in the other areas of your life. You always want to have the mindset that it would be upsetting if a breakup happens but not devastating. This is usually possible if you also have a career you love, and/or enjoy your continuing education, and have a supportive group of friends and a fun hobby. I'm sorry about the loss of your parents. Perhaps you'd benefit from books about enduring this kind of loss. Make sure you don't ingrain it in your brain that it's your fate to have your adult behavior defined by this instance and don't use it as an excuse to act in a way that it will sabotage what could be a good thing.

I understand that you care about her, but why would you want someone back who treats you this way? You don't deserve that after 2 years of dating and it sounds like you haven't done anything egregious like cheating or being verbally or physically abusive. I'm guessing you two are young, and to me, it sounds like she wants to sow her wild oats before settling down to forever with someone. You need more life experience and dating experiences yourself if you think so low of yourself to think this okay. Because you do think this is okay if you'd continue on with someone who treats you like crap. I don't know what your rules are for opposite sex friends, but if you're not okay with one-on-one time with them, then don't date women who don't share your views. But anyway, it sounds like her friend is really a love interest. She's very immature and lacks empathy. When you get time and distance away, you will shake your head at why you wanted to remain with a gf who could treat you so coldly.

It's time to set relationship rules, which a lot of couples fail to do. With things I learned NOT to do because of my first marriage, when I dated who became my second husband, we discussed the rules that would be beneficial for the success of our relationship. One of them was not to call each other names during arguments. We tackle the issue without verbally attacking each other. Another rule that refers to your situation is that after you've had a discussion to resolve an issue, that the subject is no longer brought up again. Rehashing and bringing up the same subject is like beating a dead horse. It's not productive and builds bitterness. I'd bring up this rule to her for the good of your relationship. You were honest in your answers and so that's not going to change. You can either come to a consensus about picture taking and please her with a couple's photo now or then, or stick to your guns about rare picture taking. Whatever you decide, explain that if she can't abide by how you like to operate in a relationship, that you're probably not compatible enough for the long haul. If she agrees to these rules, in time with you being faithful over the longterm, her new relationship anxieties will likely fade away. If they don't, she's not ready to be in a partnership. With people like this, you can't be a doormat and allow this. Be ready to scare her straight and show her you're willing to walk away from someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

IMO, people who seek out unattainable people such as in this case or LDRs online feel too emotionally vulnerable to actually be in real, full-on partnership. It's something a person might not have fully realized, because the psyche is complex. For people who feel like they can't handle a real relationship because they are afraid of getting hurt if it doesn't work out, fantasyland might seem like a safer option. But that's a false sense of safety because it just ends up in being companionless and lonely. You do have power over your brain. Start thinking of her as just another co-worker. Redirect your brain to other things when your thoughts drift to her. Work on your self esteem and resiliency by reading books and articles. And then when you're ready to date and will be okay whether it works out or not, go to Meetup.com groups geared to singles in your age group. It's a lot less stressful than OLD. You could also take dance lessons. A great way to meet women. There is such a huge variety of options and you might be surprised at how many venues are available in your area for country two-step, salsa, tango, swing, ballroom. If that's not your thing, you can volunteer at a local zoo, or museum, or habitat cleanups. And always keep up with guy friends and at least one separate hobby a partner isn't involved in to keep your own fulfilling life besides having a gf. You never want her feeling smothered that she's the only bright light in your life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Subconsciously, if we are missing a healthy part of ourselves, we seek what we're missing in a partner. Subconsciously, you mistook his childishness as delightful childlike behavior. You work so hard, you likely regularly lack fun time for yourself, so you were drawn to someone who bathes in it and doesn't seem to have a care in the world. And even as you say he seemed like a together person career-wise, if you really thought about it, I'm sure there were red flags you pooh-poohed away. And he in turn, because he's missing adult-like responsible behaviors, gravitated toward you because he saw in you what he's missing. You can read about this subject about Transactional Analysis in articles, and there is a book by Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships These relationships where each person is missing major, important traits never work. Be alone and work on yourself. When you finish with the bar exam, bring more fun and leisure time into your life to fulfill the area where you fell short. Only then will you attract, and be attracted to, other people who have the right balance in all the major areas of their life.

There's a reason a Mama's Boy makes the top 12 list of men you should never date. It's no wonder you're having marital problems. But now that you have a child together, you will have to learn how to live with the situation if you stay in the marriage. You can learn what not to do next time. When your child is sleeping, you can have a discussion with your husband when you're both feeling mellow. Perhaps print out some articles on best practices to work together as a team in making decisions together. When you use "I feel" terms, a person can't argue with how you feel and it's less combative than "you never" statements. I'd say, "I know you were brought up a certain way and are used to that, and I tried that way for a while to please you, but I find it's too overwhelming for me. It's a new era, where change is inevitable, and change can be a good thing. I'd like us to share the chores and have you play an equal part in caring for our child. It'll be nice for me to be less exhausted and feel like we're true co-partners, helping each other and relieving the load--balancing the scales. My husband and I have had to learn never to arrange to meet his grown daughter, who lives an hour and a half away, at a restaurant or location where time is important. She has no sense of time and is consistently late. If she's coming our way, it's fine if we're just going to be home all day and night regardless, because if she says she'll be over late morning it could actually be 7 p.m. when she arrives. We don't make certain plans with her knowing how she is. In a future instance, since his mother doesn't work and you've decided you might invite her to something, maybe ask your husband that his mother not be called until you're totally ready and act like it's a spur of the moment thing, i.e., "Hey, Mom. We've decided to check out XYZ today. We can pick you up in a half hour if you want to join." Explain to him that this will avoid the problems you recently experienced. Learn how to negotiate with him if he wants something that will place a burden on you, i.e., "I'm willing to go if you do XYZ." What's wrong with developing a spine? You're already subject to their supposed judgements, so hasn't that toughened your skin to endure any backlash you might endure for speaking up for yourself?

Has anyone ever pointed out to her that her negativity makes you and others upset? If not, though it seems like she should know this, she might think she's just a frank person who is genuine in that she doesn't sugarcoat things. Could be how she sees herself. Think about how you usually react to her cutting comments and change it up. React totally differently and send her for a loop. Maybe it will be eye-opening for her. Apparently, she likes your company since she wants you there for the holidays. Whenever she begins treating you like that, remove yourself from her presence, whether it be to take a walk, eating in a different room where she won't follow or pack up your food and eat at a park. Say you have to cut the conversation short because you have to study or make a phone call. Stop enabling her manipulation. You don't have to explain anything to her about the reasons you've chosen to spend time with others besides her any time of the year. If you did however, I'd probably say something like: "(Boyfriend's name) is so loving and makes me feel special. He's always so positive and fun. I can't wait to spend the holidays with him." If your mother is so clueless, perhaps she needs to be schooled on why people gravitate toward positivity and run from negativity. She hasn't lived with these consequences because you've given in to her controlling ways. Time to switch things up because the dynamic you've all settled for will continue to make you all miserable. Good luck.

Your self-love is severely lacking to even consider staying with him, if he happens to step down off that lofty throne you've placed him on to issue his declaration of intentions with you. Seven months is well past the honeymoon stage, and has entered the more realistic stage where you've learned a lot more about a partner. Enough to know if this person is meeting all of your major needs and regularly sparks that special spot in your heart. Apparently this has happened on your side, so wouldn't you expect the same from a significant other? The fact he's not, means he's not your match. In addition the fact you two have to take space from one another as if you two are nothing but toxic fumes. Space resolves nothing. Two people who really care about each stay to resolve issues, and if the issues can't be resolved, act with a clean break. Don't you deserve someone who is as crazy about you as you are of him? I suggest you stay solo until you achieve greater self-worth. Otherwise, you will continue to attract and accept inappropriate men. If you have to play games like thinking a man will miss you and see your worth with space, or giving lame excuses as to why he behaves as poorly as he does, you're setting yourself up for a situation of wasting your life on the wrong man. Do the work on yourself. You'll thank yourself later when you're free to welcome the man who truly deserves you into your one precious life.

Since you share a child, before thinking of ending things, I'd ask him to attend marriage counseling with you. Perhaps a skilled therapist can make him understand how to have a healthier balance in his life. You certainly haven't been able to make this clear to him. If he won't go, tell him you'll be going by yourself to show him the seriousness of the matter. Perhaps that will scare him straight. I've never understood people who don't think about all these logistics of making a life with someone when you have to uproot your whole life. To me, unless you live in an extremely small town, there are plenty of potential partners in your own locale who you would have chemistry with if you look long and hard enough. But now that you're in this situation, you will have to make a decision that will end up hurting one or more in your family no matter what you decide. If you move back to your home town, I'm assuming your child won't see Dad very often. You'll still be like a single parent the majority of the time. You can only rely on relatives so much before becoming a burden. If you stay, you have to be in close proximity to his family who cross boundaries with you and your husband. You have to witness daily how he lets them run his life. So if I were you, if counseling doesn't pan out good behavior changes over time, or if he refuses to go, I'd probably then have a sit-down discussion with him, giving him all options with their consequences. Make him see what life will be like with each situation. In your shoes, if he won't come to a consensus making you both happy, I'd probably return to my original home. Hopefully, you've now learned to heed red flags and know that what you see is what you get instead of hoping a person will change for the better in a major way.

How awesome! Boy or girl? So happy for you and your wife.

Wow, that's a topsy-turvy way to conduct a relationship, doing everything backwards. Going backwards by stopping the co-habiting. He then moves in with a group of women. Is your situation, which is outside of the norm, anyway concerning to you? What do you mean by blowing off? That you've made plans in advance with him that he cancels, or he's just in the routine of stopping by your place daily and lately, he tells you he won't stop by on a particular day because the girls want to go out for drinking and dancing? If he's canceling on a regular basis, why would you settle for someone who treats you like this? Like another poster said, never hope someone will change in a major way because there's no guarantee he will. Base your decision's on how things are in the present. Hmm. Birds of a feather. What are you afraid of with his friends? Trust them to do what? Not to rob you? Not to talk behind your back? Have you ever had therapy for the emotional luggage you haul around? Aren't you tired?

The brand new excitement of the beginnings in a relationship or a fling have their time and place. It's something that can't last a lifetime, and it's not supposed to. In happy LTRs, there are highs, lows, plateaus, and a deepening of love that lasts a lifetime. In your case, either the emotional connection is missing in your relationship, and that's something that has to be worked on with effort from you and your bf. Or, you're young and really want to have more dating experiences before you're ready to get serious with someone. What do you fight about? How does he make you feel special? What do you to make him feel special? If you want to make things right with your bf, you're going to have to vow to never search for the person you had the fling with ever again. You're going to have delete and block his number. If you can't do that, admit you're not ready to be in a serious relationship. If you wouldn't want your bf doing these things, then don't be a hypocrite and engage in that behavior yourself. When you stop engaging with that fling and force your mind to think of other things if you begin fantasizing about him, the dreams will stop. If you decide to remain with your bf, read some articles on how to inject a spark back into the relationship.

FWBs are always meant to be temporary. The fact that you're upset enough to write on a forum about him means this temporary period is over with and it's time to make your exit.

Yes, continue to work on ditching your emotional baggage, because you will sabotage any relationship you attempt if you don't. It's like you're kind of questioning if you should bail now before your feelings deepen, thinking you're too weak to handle getting hurt if he loses interests and bails on you first. Get it into your head that you won't get through life unscathed and only the tiniest of percentage of the population is immune to heartbreak. Every dating experience is a leap of faith. Maybe it'll work out, and maybe it won't. But have the mindset that whatever happens, you are strong enough to handle it and learn from it. This vacation is but a tiny blip in in your journey as a new couple. Be patient and see how things go when he gets back. See if you get into a regular routine that you both are happy with. And then you have to get through the honeymoon period, which is normally 4 to 6 months, before you begin to really see the genuine person and will understand better who they are. Seeing if he makes you a priority, how he handles the stress of life, if he's faithful, financially responsible, etc. Beginnings of relationships are heady, but also mixed with anxiety because there are so many unknowns. It's something you have to get through and there is no way around it. It's hard to be vulnerable, but the alternative is isolating yourself in a safe bubble, which has its own downside--loneliness. The only control you have is being the best partner you can be, and choosing to date guys who lack red flags. And then you just have to wait and see over time if he's the type of guy who meets all of your main needs. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

A person can have more than one priority, but with these statements, clearly his scale is not evenly balanced. I have a feeling you're both being unreasonable and are highly incompatible, but it would be helpful to give proper advice if we knew more details. Is his group of friends all male or a mixture of men and women? Why do you not like hanging out with them, and how many times have you been around them? Why do you call them partiers when they seem to also get together for movies and walks? I can see you not wanting to join them at bars, but why not come to a consensus and partially please his want of you being with his group on outings that don't involve drinking? How often does the group get together during the week? How many times a week do you try to set up plans with your bf? How many times a week does he try to make plans with you? What is your ideal on how many times a week you see him and what is the actual amount that happens? How long have you been dating? Getting the answers to this would help us get a clearer picture.

Your wishful thinking has you assuming he's spending more time with you because he's into your romantically. More likely, some of his other friendships have probably drifted away so he's seeking you out since you're convenient, available, and he can continue with a busy social life. You showed him signs you were available for closeness. He rejected your signals. Stop thinking of him as dating material and go back to thinking of him as just another friend. Spend less time with him so you can achieve this. Plus, if you're pouring loads of emotional energy and time into a friend, it will limit your time with achieving your goal of having a bf. Since people are normally very busy with careers and possibly education, and only limited leisure time, a person has to choose wisely how they should use that leisure time wisely, for their own good.

It's all about the child's needs, not yours. I just don't think she will get anything from a birthday card and FaceTime hellos. Kids value in-person quality time with a person. And kids don't need to get attached to people flitting in and out of their lives. If her Dad finds a forever partner who doesn't want you around their daughter, it will be in her best interest not to have to let you go when she's older and more invested.

You're too close to the situation, too infatuated to realize she's not a decent person. Being in a bad relationship is not a good reason to flirt with and kiss other guys, and behind her bf's back to boot. Don't think you're so special that if she was free and you two dated, that she wouldn't seek out other guy's attention when you two had an argument. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." An emotionally mature person ends one relationship before beginning another. She's using you for an ego boost at the expense of your feelings and her bfs feelings. And you think she's some prize to win over? She knows she's hurting two people and she doesn't care. There are pretty, single women out there who don't cheat. For a happier experience, I suggest extricating yourself from this toxicity, block and delete, and go for a woman free and clear, and with better ethics, to date.

Loving someone is not a good reason for staying when your partner clearly doesn't love you as you should be loved. If she loved you, knowing you're tired from your long day, she would make sure she contributed her fair share of chores to ease your burden. And you've communicated your needs. When a partner actually cares, and your request is reasonable, she will want to please you and improve. She hasn't. You can't be a sacrificial lamb, giving up a life of happiness because you think she won't be able to cope on her own. She's an adult and responsible for taking care of herself. If she chose to previously pickle her brain instead of earning a nest egg to ensure her own ability to keep a roof over her head, that's on her. If she had to temporarily go to a woman's shelter, oh well. When YOU stop enabling her, she will either all of a sudden learn to be financially independent, or more likely pour on the charms to a new man to give her the shelter she won't provide for herself. In your shoes, I'd begin to get her names off of your credit cards and as a co-owner of your bank account if that situation exists. And then get divorce papers. When you get time and distance away from her, you'll kick yourself at how you stayed. In my first marriage, my situation wasn't exactly like yours, but he didn't pull his weight financially and treated me poorly. I divorced him and eventually found a partner a million times better in every way. I wish the same for you.

Don't date again until you build this up. Read books and articles on how to do so, and/or seek therapy. If you don't love yourself, you will keep attracting toxic predators and accept them as you subconsciously think that's all you deserve. Take care.