kufena

I'm 38 and still a virgin. Hmmm... perhaps that's not something to be proud of, but unfortunately, it's true. For gods sake, you're 18. Have you met someone you like? If you haven't, then you will and one day, they'll turn out to like you. If you want some, you have to go get it. Don't make the mistakes I have, cos you'll regret it. You have to make your own chances in life, and I'm afraid, being male, a large chunk of the responsibility is on you (not all the time, but mostly that appears to still be true.) If you're too backward, like I've been, and you wait for leap years to come around, then you'll suddenly find that life's past you by and it's too late. Believe me, you don't want that.

Yes. CONTACT HIM. **NOW**. Let's get away from this 'women shouldn't make the move' - 'if he hasn't contacted me he isn't interested' nonsense - men find it just as difficult to make contact as women do - many of us more so.

I'm exactly the same - not just meeting people but also business meetings, anything that might be in someway confrontational or that makes me uneasy. For most occasions, it passes (until that inevitable point where they say 'let's just be friends' - oh well) I'm sure there's stuff you can do about it. Try to envision in your mind things that might happen (for business meetings, trying to conjure up what the end of the meeting might be like) often helps. Sometimes, taking your mind off the event is probably the best solution. Otherwise, you'll just have to bear it - but usually it passes once you start. Good luck, A.

Yep - I think I was pretty much saying what QTpie87 has said (only in a different way that doesn't quite look the same ). Talk to him about it, though.

I think you should go wack him over the head. I'm kind of doing the same with someone I work with. I can't ignore her completely - I have to walk past her lots of times everyday, but we hardly speak. Why? Because, quite frankly, "it's a self preservation thing", to quote a well-known british film. Talking to her hurts, because (i) every bit of contact just re-affirms how I feel about her, and (ii) I don't want to hear about her Australian boy friend (long story...) I wish she would talk to me - every day - I know it aint going to happen though. Maybe he feels the same - wants you to show that you really want him. So wack him over head with a big stick and drag him back to your cave - he'll either respond, or he won't, in which case, just leave him be and move on. Dunno. Men don't understand women - I'm not always sure they understand other men either. Just some thoughts.

The obvious answer to this question is 'who knows?' - you could ask him. Things it might be: slight nervousness or embarrassment with going out with someone so much younger ("she wouldn't normally go out with me - so I must have done something, or something must have happened"), or a slight insecurity perhaps (expecting you to leave at any minute - "why wouldn't you at your age"). Having fallen for someone much younger than me (by 13 years), I can see where he's coming from (especially if he's a really sweet nice guy - they always think like that - "this can't possibly be anything to do with me, I'm never that lucky", kind of thing). Dunno what the answer is - I'm never going to get as far as you have... Good luck.

You could always pre-empt him, like a friend of mine did. Turned up on his door step, naked, with a red rose in her mouth

my parents didn't get on with my next door neighbours when I was young. Didn't stop me being best friends with the neighbours son, though. Unless there is real tension there (and if your mother speak, there probably isn't) then I doubt it'll be a problem. Good luck. Wish I was your age again...

No one answered my last post - please help. I've fallen in love with someone I work with - wasn't going to tell her how I felt - unfortunately, she approached me first and decided we should be friends. Now, I went out with her and another mutual friend last night. This is because we agreed to be friends, and I decided we should be friends and not just colleagues. Anyway, there's this guy in Australia - she told me she was getting over him. But as time goes by, i find out more. He's moving here in August, they are pretty serious and they're going to be moving in together when he gets here. Now, I just can't cope. I spend 98% of my time thinking about someone who spends 98% of their time thinking about someone else. Its affecting my job as well as my personal life (ha! what personal life?) Every bit of contact I have with her just re-affirms my feelings for this person. Anyway, I was really really looking forward to last night, learnt a lot about this relationship early on in the evening, spent the rest of the night acting like an adolescent, finally slumped home and cried myself to sleep I've decided on going back to being colleagues - I don't think its any skin off her nose (to say we're good friends now would be a bit of an over statement). She should be leaving in August. But has anyone got any practical tips on turning my thoughts to something else - it seems as though my whole life revolves around her at the moment, and, although i don't want to move on, i don't want to feel like this anymore. Thanks, Andrew.

Well, i love the idea. But then, like you, I'm a hopeless romantic who lives in a dream world, where everything happens the way you want it to, and you get filled with all those warm feelings even though nothing's happened except you've knocked you tea over, and short circuited your keyboard with your tears. But chances are, I'm afraid, it won't work. Perhaps it's an idea best kept for a new love?

OK, I've fallen in love with someone I work with - a bad start. I know she is leaving in August, is unattached but not available due to feelings she has for someone in Australia that she met about 6 months ago. He is moving to the UK mid-August. I'm not sure that anything is going to happen between them or whether they've discussed it. Anyway, I decided I wouldn't tell her how I felt, and had been talking to a friend (a cousin and house mate of said woman) which was keeping me going. Unfortunately, the woman in question obviously realised how I felt, and took me for a drink one evening, to drop the 'we could be friends' thing on me, explaining some (but not all) of the above (for example, she told me she was trying to get over this Aussie bloke, although i understand from the friend that she has no real intention of getting over him). To be honest, I wish the woman in question hadn't bought the subject up at all. I have no idea whether she wants to be friends or not - I can't see why she would want to be, for a start - I like her company and she says she likes mine, but now, any talking between us or attempts to go out socially has dried up (embarrassment, i guess). Anyway, my friend's advice was to continue to be friends - and this advice confuses me. Why does she think this is a good idea? (I plan on asking the friend this - by the way) Every bit of contact we have just re-affirms my feelings for this person, but at the same time, the fact that the woman in question isn't exactly forward in suggesting we do things together, or about talking to me, suggests that the 'friends' thing was just a way of letting me down, with no real intention of acting on it. But then why did she bring it up in the first place? I would ask, of course (both of them) only as part of a deal, I promised I wouldn't mention my feelings for her again. Apart from being thoroughly miserable at the moment, I'm also very confused.

Crikey! You think a lot like i do - which, in my books, makes you pretty normal. I felt the same at 16, and feel much the same now, at 36. Are you moving away from where you are (another of your messages suggests you're in Pennsylvania - is that spelt right? - or was it Philadelphia). You have nothing to lose with this girl - go for it. Everything you say is admirable - whether she understands or accepts you as a friend is in the hands of the gods - it takes two to tango, as it were, and there is no saying that she'll accept you - anyway, you know what you need to do there. I'm not sure what to say about you, though. You say you hate yourself and you're different from most people who hate life because you know it's your fault not being able to enjoy life. I would suggest that a lot of people like you are blaming themselves (I do - I mean, blame myself - I'm not blaming you for my problems, obviously). If it were someone else's fault, you'd need to convince someone else to change, but you only have to convince yourself. Easy to say, and not easy to do. But you know what your issues are - your posts are quite perceptive about yourself - and if you do see a therapist or councellor or someone, they'll be able to help you. Making friends is never easy, especially if you're a loner and genuinely not happy, but there's no substitute for getting out there and meeting people. You need to get some confidence together to do this, and as you meet people, your confidence in yourself will grow. Being alone is your main problem - rectify this - it'll help you and your relationships with other people (this girl in particular - although, with luck, she'll become a friend, anyway). As for your friends all being happy - I bet they're not - and if they are, i hate them with a passion. Perhaps you should spend some time with them, though. I think you need a good friend (other than this girl) at the moment. Oh, and I think you're parents would be much happier if you run away and join the marines than they would be if you jumped off a bridge or something. Think how they would feel when being told that you were dead - it would destory them. I'm not certain from what you've said that you would care, but I'm guessing you probably would - you seem like a pretty switched-on young chap to me. Finally - in response to 'I will also add that I would do anything humanly possible to make her happy', I'm sure anyone would melt at being told that, but then, I think you need to go some way towards making yourself happy before you can commit to this kind of statement. Because i don't think your problems are going to go away if she turns around and declares he undying love for you. Well, it's late here, so I'm going home to bed (I'm at work still). Somehow, I don't think you'll take any of what I've written on board, because I probably wouldn't want to either. I hope you succeed with the girl (you never did mention her name - mine's called Sarah, and I'll see her in almost exactly twelve hours time, at which point I'll be shaking and probably feeling sick, but then that's the way it goes). If you want to continue to talk, drop me a private message and I'll send you my email address - easier that way. All the best, Andrew (aka Kufena).

If you're a student then you'll have some sort of councelling service probably - at UK universities, thats the first place to go. If you have a personal tutor, then they'll be able to direct you to that kind of service. Other than that, do you have a GP (a doctor?) that you can visit (sorry, I'm sure medical care in the UK is different to the US - a GP or general practitioner is the kind of non-hospital doctor that you'd go and see in this kind of situation or if you had a minor ailment like flu). Visit a hospital - I'm sure someone will be able to help. I dunno what to say about joining the marines. It is kind of a classic way of running away from a lost or unrequitted love, but I don't think it is a glamorous way to go (and besides, it doesn't guarantee death by any means). Can I ask you something? What do you want to happen? If everything went perfectly, what would be the best thing that could come out of this? I'm in love with someone at the moment - I think about them all the time - a lot of that is dreaming up fantasies and scenarios - do you think about this girl in the same way?

When it comes to self-harm and suicidal tendencies, then someone more qualified will have to comment. I think you should see a doctor or a councillor or someone. Life isn't a game, and eNotAlone, although a wonderful place filled with well-minded people, isn't a replacement for professional help. However, i will say that I have been there - and wanted to die. There was once I woman I worked with, who I found difficult to talk to - and I'd drive home from the office, and once or twice drove very fast at oncoming traffic or towards immovable objects, and swerved at the last minute. She did eventually reject me completely (in fact, twice) and my whole life collapsed. That was three years ago - I'm still here. One thing that keeps me going is my complete and utter fear of death! You say 'but I won't give up that easily' - I ask, why not? (I also say good - because at your age, you shouldn't be thinking like this, and besides the hurt you will cause others isn't worth thinking about - a friend of mine who did commit suicide was much loved by family and friends alike and his funeral wasn't pleasant). Not wanting to give up is a sign of hope - you should explore those thoughts. As for the girl - hindsight is a wonderful thing. Wishing something hadn't happened isn't going to solve the problem. You need to think about what you're going to do now. I hope she cares, and I think friends is a good step to take - it can be a hard thing to do - especially if you want more and she doesn't or if there is someone else - but I would suggest some female friendships would help you immensly. If she doesn't care, then how you react is up to you. Nothing I say will numb the pain of it all. I'm sure there is more in life to come for you, and that you will meet someone else and fall in love with them. I have - four times in my life, to date. To let you know how not-alone you are, I'll tell you this - the latest one rejected me 10 days ago. She's unattached but not available - in love with some chap she met in Australia, waiting for him to come to the UK in August - I see her everyday at work - knowing she doesn't care about me as I do about her - knowing that she feels the same way about someone else as I do about her - I spend all my time thinking about her but knowing she never thinks of me - hoping she'll call me but knowing she never will - that there is nothing - nothing - that I can do about that - without hope - what can you do? My job's suffered, my life has suffered, I don't know what to do. I do know that jumping off Elizabeth Way bridge isn't going to help - and that I've been here before and survived. You will survive this.

Well, there is statistically a one-in-four chance that you have a mental illness, but I don't see anything here to suggest that you do. I have the same problems as you - over wieght, self hatred, intense shyness, inability to speak to people (even people I've known for years who are really good friends). First of all, the girl in question. You don't actually know what she is thinking or what she thinks of you. The only way you will find out is by asking her. And if you're leaving, then you have nothing really to lose, do you - you have all those feelings as though you are in love but can't do anything about it - if you leave without saying something to her, you'll never know, and if it goes wrong, then the feelings aren't really much worse than what you're feeling now. If, however, you're in luck then you'll have other problems to contend with, but nicer ones I mean, how well does she know you? If you've hardly spoken to her, she can't make much of a judgement about you? If she suspects or knows you like her, she might be angry - perhaps because she doesn't want anything to do with you, but perhaps its because you're not meeting her half-way and doing something about it, but she'd like you to. You'll never know until you tell her something. So, how to tell her and what to say. 'How' is easy - you don't have to walk up to her and tell her - there are all manner of media, from email, letters, texting, carrier pigeon, big shaggy dogs carrying messages in small barrels around their necks. What to say - well, you've said it to us (you'd like to be friends - perhaps a good place to start). Whether you want to say "I'm sorry I gave her a wrong impression about myself" is up to you - you don't want her to feel sorry for you, you want to her like you, even if it is the last time you see her. But then, apologies and a little self deprecation can be good (you want to know you're a nice guy, too, I guess). I think, at 16, you've nothing to be worried about - even if it doesn't work out this time (but lets hope it does) - and you're never alone (you can always launch yourself at unsuspecting interweb strangers, like you have here ) Carry on working out - get to that weight and shape that *you* want to be, and the rest will take care of itself, eventually. And smile at people (especially women) - in fact, smile at pretty women you walk past in the street - amazing some of the reactions you get - some of them very nice and quite good for morale. And you will meet someone who makes you feel the same way as you do now - about every four years is my cycle - and it'll all happen again and you still won't know what to do or what to say - you're no different to lots of people on this site, really. Perhaps let her get to know you a bit better next time, then you'll start from a better position than you have this time. And if, in 20 years time, you end up in the same state, like I have, then you need to start worring.

Succinctly put. Thank you. I don't think there's much I can do other than just go with it, at the moment. There's a great bit in 'Love actually' where one of the characters tells another "without hope or agenda" that he loves her. It is this "without hope or agenda" that I was and still am trying to apply to my relationship with this person - not only do I not want to jeapardise any friendship that was there and hopefully will develop further, but also the fact the we are working together for at least the next few months means that i need to get my head together and keep it together (mostly for her sake I think). It's this last bit that I'm having trouble with. Thanks again.

At 36, I'm getting a bit long in the tooth for this kind of thing, but I could really do with some practical advice here. Ok, I'm single, generally a loner, erm, never had a girl-friend, asked out four women in the last twenty years and been turned down every time. Stupidly, the current love of my life is someone I work with, and is a bit younger than me. I wasn't going to tell her how I felt, and a friend had been lending an ear when things got too much, so I felt able to cope until she goes off to do a second degree course at the end of August. The biggest killer for me was seeing her with or flirting with other people, but I knew she was un-attached. Anyway, she invited me out for a drink last Thursday, and stupidly I accepted hoping that something might happen. And it did - she broached the subject (not me) and suggested that we should be friends. I don't know why she thought this was a good idea - I have to admit that i bottled in the whole conversation thing, didn't tell how I really felt until I sent her an email the following day saying that I would like to become friends and promising to try not to mention my feelings again. The reason she gave for not wanting more was that although she was un-attached, she wasn't available as she is still getting over someone else (despite the fact that I know there is another guy in the office that she kind of likes - well, ok, I think that but I haven't asked her - forget that, it's all circumstantial). Now, I know that 'lets be friends' is just a way of letting someone down gently, but over the last few days I have convinced myself that something might still happen. But at the same time, I'm not even sure she actually really wants to be friends at all - and I'm not sure i do either. Sorry, my head's too screwed up to list emotions and feelings, but there must be psycological ways of dealing with these things, other than getting upset, angry (throwing things a bit of a speciality at the moment), depression. To top it all off, said friend has gone away, so I have no one to talk to about it either.

I don't think anyone can tell you how to do this - nor indeed can anyone tell you what 'tell her how I feel' means - what do you feel? In 20 years, I've only ever told four women how I felt, by: - letter from Germany (where I was living at the time) - walking around at 3am trying to find someone's car so I could leave a note on her windscreen - which she found - this was the day before she moved away. - by e-mail - erm - face-to-face but she told me (actually she didn't - but she'd guessed). The best and most romantic way is just to be natural about it. Have to say, though, that of those four, they all turned me down - the last one, last thursday