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Thread: I did something and Iím not sure how to process it

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree that telling your husband about all the flirting was an attempt to wake him up to your sexuality. You told your husband to shake him up not because some flirting caused guilt. Yes it backfired in the sense that trying to hurt him for your sexual frustration he in turn hurt you by embarrassing you and outing this flirtation to everyone involved.

    Ok now that your bedroom issues are starting to become toxic to everyone around you, isn't it time you get marriage therapy and solve the real problems rather than drag everyone else through all this? Now the whole office knows about what's going on (or not going on) in your bedroom. Stop. Just stop.

    Your refusal to communicate your needs to your husband are at the root of this. First you give him rules not to touch you, then you change the rules but don't tell him. Start private therapy, then couples therapy.
    Originally Posted by Nikki89
    I told my husband what had been happening and why. Of course he was hurt but he said he wanted to work through it. He also knew the guy ( which I didnít know). Then he let it slip to some mutual friends of theirs while asking for advice and now the guys pregnant wife knows about the the situation.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Nikki89
    Then the whole thing was blown up into something much bigger than it should have been which got his pregnant wife involved.
    She needed to be involved, OP. You don't really get a say in determining just how big it "should" have been blown up. That's not your measurement to take.

    Even if you two did not physically cheat, what you were doing was highly inappropriate and very damaging to your respective marriages. The fact that she is carrying his child makes it even worse. At a time when a couple should be excited for their family taking shape and basking in the glow of an upcoming birth, his wife now gets to deal with the fact that her husband is shady character. When she one day looks back on this pregnancy, it is not going to be with the same fondness and joy that a mom might typically experience when remembering this special period in her life. And yes, part of that is very much your fault.

    It is not all your fault, of course. He could have easily put the brakes on it and told you to bugger off. He didn't, and you didn't put a stop to it when you should have. You and he are both to blame for this mess.

    The question now is, do you genuinely still want to be married?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Wow!

    Where to start...

    1. You were flirting at work with the bosses nephew? Who do you think is going to loose their job when this whole thing blows up? Here is a hint, it isn't going to be family.
    2. I always find it interesting that people start questioning their marriage AFTER someone else shows interest in them or they are cheating.
    3. You are married, he is married and both of you were wrong and disrespectful to your vows, your marriage and your families.
    4. Just because you didn't have sex (yet) doesn't mean what you did is less of a thing to your husband or his wife.
    5. Speaking of the ultimate betrayal, he has a pregnant wife at home. He sounds like a real stand up guy, just the kind of guy you want to ruin your whole life for.

    First off you need to stop trying to downplay what you did. Then apologize profusely to your husband and get into marriage counseling right away.

    Next tell this nephew that what happened was a huge mistake and it will never happen again ever!

    Lastly hope that everyone at work, including HR doesn't hear about this.

    If you want to fool around with other men then divorce your husband. I have a feeling you are going to really miss being treated like a princess. Once divorced your ex husband can one day meet someone that appreciates all that he does around the house.

    The cat is out of the bag, time to accept you screwed up on a bunch of levels and figure out why you thought it was okay to do what you did.

    Lost

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If you want to be treated and respected like an adult, then act like it. What you've done so far is childish self centered behavior.

    If you want to take more charge of the home, chores, etc. what's stopping you from simply doing it and talking to your husband about what you want to do and how? Adults talk and resolve issues like that instead of hiding behind platitudes like "well I should like it". There is no should, there is only that if you've grown or want change, implement it. If you want respect, then show respect to your husband by actually communicating with him. Respect is not unilateral and not something you just get.

    Do you accomplish things at work by avoiding telling your team what needs to be done and how? No. So why do you think your marriage will improve without that communication?

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  6. #15
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    You could have said all you did without sharing your dirty laundry - you did that for yourself to unburden your guilt. The "see what you made me do" implication is not healthy communication IMO.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nikki89
    Not trying to defend my actions in any way but I¬íd hardly call it an ¬ďemotional affair¬Ē. We literally never talked outside of work and in no way had a relationship other than the flirting and suggestive conversation while at work.
    Then why burden your husband with your folly?

    But hearing things like he respected me and just the way he made me feel like I was appreciated made me doubt my relationship with my husband because as I mentioned before he kind of babies me.
    You're a grown up. Tell him you don't want him to cook the dinner or clean the dishes that it's your turn and you want to pamper him for a change. Geeze. Speak up if you're being made to feel lesser.

    I don’t feel like he respects me for what I do at work because he doesn’t know what I deal with on a daily basis. I know that he hears me talk about how demanding it can be but he’s not there to see me in action and I really do take a lot of pride in my work. It was just nice to see that appreciated.
    Its not your husband's job to make you feel valued at your job. It is your success at it and the kudos you get from your superiors that should be satisfying you in that matter.

    There was a lot that led up to the flirting too. It didn’t just happen from the beginning but I just kind of skipped over all that because I was short on time to type it all and just wanted to make it clear I did not have sex with him.
    So, why are you feeling so guilty that you had to tell your husband about some innocent flirting that you've come to realize somehow crossed the line for you? Couldn't you just have shut it all down and behaved from the light bulb moment on? You could have shut down your coworkers schmaltz just as easily as you confessed to your poor husband.

    It got to the point that I felt like it was going to lead to sex if I didn’t stop it and that’s when I came clean.
    A priest would have been a better person to confess too. As long as you knew it was going too far, you should have just put an end to it and saved your husband the grief and the other man's wife the same.

    I didn’t do it to hurt my husband in any way. I just wanted him to know why I let it go as far as it did and that’s simply because he didn’t treat me like I was someone that needed taken care of. I explained to him that I appreciate everything he does for me but sometimes it makes me feel useless.
    That confession in the bold came way too late.

    Then the whole thing was blown up into something much bigger than it should have been which got his pregnant wife involved. I honestly don’t think either of us would have willingly cheated on our spouses because just from earlier conversations neither of us are that type of person but we were just drawn to each other in a way because we both had issues at home and flirting at work was just a kind of escape from that for 10 hours a day.
    O.o I think you're the first woman on this forum that has used the excuse to go over board, boarder line cheat because her husband treats her well.

    Gurfriend... use your communication skills to solve problems at home next time and save yourself all this drama. Don't unburden your guilt to your husband when all of this could have ended at work through your own convictions, personal boundaries and morals (since you say you're not that type of person)

    Why are you so afraid to openly communicate with your husband what your needs and wants are but you were so free to disclose something that he didn't need to know if you were shutting it all down and nothing sexual happened? Why don't you trust your husband enough to be truly vulnerable to him?

  8. #17
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    You wanted your husband to know another man is sexually interested in you.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It all boils down to this.
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You wanted your husband to know another man is sexually interested in you.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Hi OP,

    I'm speaking from experience, in being a cheater and being cheated on (and YES - also semi-cheating or intense flirting at work), that there is a certain immaturity level required for downplaying the hurt you've caused others (as lostandhurt said). And you would tell me, "But LC, I told my husband what happened. Isn't that owning up to what I did?"

    Here's the problem with that though:

    Originally Posted by Nikki89

    I didn’t do it to hurt my husband in any way. I just wanted him to know why I let it go as far as it did and that’s simply because he didn’t treat me like I was someone that needed taken care of. I explained to him that I appreciate everything he does for me but sometimes it makes me feel useless.
    It seems to me you told him not to be fair to him, maybe not even to absolve yourself, but because:

    He likes to take care of me and he does literally everything for me without me asking to the point that I almost feel like a child in my own home.
    This "confession" seemed little more than you basically saying, "See, you babied me so much that I almost stepped out on you, so stop it!"

    Which is odd, because all those times he sweetly took over your chores for you, you were free to say, "Honey, I appreciate it, but I'm going to do this and YOU can just take care of me later in other ways," wink wink, etc. If indeed it got to the point where you felt babied as you said, then something more assertive could be in order: "No, I got it. Really, I'm doing this and I need to do this." Unless he held a gun to your head and forced you to sit down while he did the dishes?

    I could be missing something since you were in a hurry when you typed this all out. But am I correct in saying that this confession was the first time you stood up to him (really stood up to him) about being babied? And it was coupled with the slap in the face of "btw I exchanging suggestive flirting with a guy at work"?

    If that was really why you flirted with Work Guy...then you should have spoken to your husband about this pressing issue FIRST. It's completely unfair to your hubby to be secretly upset about a dynamic between you two, and then run to flirt up the boss's nephew.

    "No, LC," you say again. "There were things that led up to it. That's not how it was."

    Yes, I know. You don't think it was "that bad":

    Not trying to defend my actions in any way but I¬íd hardly call it an ¬ďemotional affair¬Ē. We literally never talked outside of work and in no way had a relationship other than the flirting and suggestive conversation while at work.
    But the most important part out of all your posts is this:

    He recently found out his wife is pregnant. The flirting didnít stop after that. I think I let it go on for so long because he made me feel amazing.
    That's the problem. That's the crux of it and why so many fine folks on ENA are saying what they're saying. You knew the stakes and chose to do what you wanted. It got to a point where you had to "confess" to your husband and he is hurting. So call it an affair, not call it an affair -semantics are the least of your worries right now, especially semantics discussed with a bunch of strangers on the internet -you did a thing, he's hurt, you have to fix it. But even in confessing to him you lashed out at him subtly, hinting that it's HIS fault that YOU flirted with the boss's nephew. If your confession came from an unselfish place with only your husband's feelings in mind, you would not have said it that way. Because I like to think that in spite of your words, you know very well that it is not your husband's fault! That was your choice. You wouldn't believe the things that actually-committed married couples put up in each other because they refuse to break their spouse's trust.

    So while you believe you are being mature about it while "owning up" to the flirting, in the end it was just more selfishness. It was just dressed up a little differently.

    Why am I bothering to tell you all this? Because your mindset is hurting your poor husband. Your marriage has a chance of making it IF you stop this selfishness BS right now and literally only think of what would help your husband heal. Because it certainly takes priority over your being babied because HE wants to do YOUR chores.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    What did you hope would happen when you told your husband?

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