Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 47

Thread: I love her, but I don't think I can be happy with her.

  1. #1
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    304
    Gender
    Male

    I love her, but I don't think I can be happy with her.

    Sorry in advance for the long essay to follow, I am trying to provide as much context as possible. Hopefully I've structured everything in an easy way to understand.

    Life Context

    I am in my early 30s, male, only child. My parents are very hardworking overachievers who made huge strides for our family, going from penniless rural China to a comfortable middle-class life in the UK. Perhaps because of this, I have always been ambitious and driven to succeed, to make the most of the much easier start in life that I got thanks to my parents (compared to them).

    Before the age of 21, I was very much a successful high achiever myself. Top grades at school, got into an elite university, you get the idea. However for reasons too complicated to get into here, I ended up dropping out of university and spiralling into a serious bout of depression as I fell away from the life of success that I had been used to, closing myself off from most of my former peers, because it was too painful to be constantly reminded of my status as a loser in contrast to their continued successes. It is harder to be a loser when all your friends are winners than just being a loser among other losers.

    Various ups and downs followed in my 20s, but overall it was pretty grim until 2017, when I made a fresh start in a new city. That's where I met a girl, let's call her Jane.

    Meeting Jane

    When I met Jane, my life was sort of back on track. I wasn't successful by any means, I am still not, but at least my head was in a better place than it had been, and I was moving in the right direction. We met through a mutual hobby, and although it wasn't love at first sight, I was drawn to her lovely smile, and in time learnt what a caring, kind and wonderful human being she is. Oh, and I think she's beautiful. After a period of courtship, we officially became a couple in early 2018. Our courtship and early relationship was wonderful, carefree and happy. My only concern at that point was our age gap.

    You see Jane is 7 years older than me, but she does not look it at all. In fact, most strangers would assume that I am older and that she is in her late 20s. There was no deception on her part, she revealed her true age when I made my feelings about her clear. At that point, I was already infatuated with her, and although her age was not ideal, I decided that if we could be happy together, and she was willing to be with me whilst I was still very much in the process of rebuilding my life, then I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with her, and accept the age gap. The main consideration I had was that because I (we) want children, we should get married and start a family as soon as we were sure about each other. However, problems arose quickly.

    Family Drama


    She is the middle daughter among a family of three sisters. Their parents had health and financial issues that forced the sisters to take care of their parents, more than the other way around, for almost 20 years. This robbed all three sisters of their youth and freedom, living very close-knit, co-dependent and closed off lives for years. Unbelievably, none of the three sisters have ever had a serious relationship and I was Janeís first boyfriend in her late 30s. This is unbelievable because Jane really is beautiful and sweet, and if she put herself ďout thereĒ, guys would have queued up instantly. Unfortunately, instead of viewing me as a welcome addition to the family who could help them out, not to mention make Jane happy, her sisters (especially the eldest one) treated me as a threat to their family unity and accused Jane of trying to escape her responsibilities.

    To give you an idea of how absurd Janeís sisters are, they accuse her of ďnot doing enoughĒ for the family, even though they all live in a house (rent free) for which Jane paid the biggest chunk of the deposit and has been solely responsible for the mortgage for over a decade. Just last year Jane was naÔve enough to pay for the entirety of roof repair costs (~£2,500) and ďborrowĒ her elder sister £8,000 even as she started to escalate things more and more. None of that money has been returned to this day.

    We nearly broke up 3-4 months into our relationship because I could not tolerate her sistersí psychotic interference and drama, but persisted because Jane gradually realized that appeasing their every tantrum was not working. As she began to stand up for herself and fight for our relationship however, her eldest sister responded in the only way she knew Ė escalation. About 5-6 months into our relationship, Jane was physically assaulted by her elder sister at home and literally driven out of the house she co-owns with her. (And still solely responsible for the mortgage.)

    Mounting Problems

    All of a sudden, Jane ended up living with me. Obviously, this had its benefits for our relationship, but she found the transition very difficult. She had never left home before, never had to make decisions for herself, never lived with strangers before (I own my own house, but for financial reasons, two of the rooms are rented out to lodgers), never did much of anything by herself before. In her own words, she is a very needy/clingy person who limpets onto people. Having suddenly lost her sisters, she now limpeted onto me.

    I found this sudden change difficult too. I am an only child, I have been used to a degree of privacy and independence all my life, and used to rebel against my parentsí infringement on that basic liberty. Obviously, I enjoyed spending time with Jane, but I also liked to have my own time and space, hang out with the lads etc. Janeís clinginess got so over the top that she would insist on going with me when I went to the pub to watch football with the lads, even though she has absolutely no interest in football, and would proceed to sit there all night barely talking to anyone.

    She cried so much about so many different things, from lodgers (she wanted them gone), to me not spending enough time with her (we lived together!), to her issues with her sisters etc. I am mentally in a much better place now than a few years ago, but it was becoming quite overwhelming to deal with. I seriously considered breaking up with her, but I didnít have the heart to do it, she had been kicked out of her home for me, she had lost her family for me. Even though it was not my fault (I tried 3 months of appeasement to try to resolve the issues diplomatically, but her sisters never even agreed to sit down with me to talk about anything because I was an outsider), I felt partly responsible for the troubles in her life. So, I persisted and kept on trying to take care of her to the best of my ability.

    Long Distance Relationship

    About one year into our relationship, I got a good job offer abroad, exactly the type of big step in the right direction I badly needed to recover from the disaster of my 20s. I feel like I have unfinished business with life and Iím determined with seize whatever opportunities come my way. I hoped that Jane would support me, even though I knew it would be hard for her. She was not supportive, she absolutely hated the idea of possibly leaving the UK, leaving her old life behind.

    To cut a long(er) story short, I ended up leaving afterall to pursue my ambitions. I still love Jane, she truly is one of the kindest and nicest people I know. I care about her deeply and I am desperately sorry that our relationship ended up causing her so much pain. I feel obligated to take care of her by marrying her, starting a family with her etc. BUT I am deeply worried that it will not be a happy union, and I will not be happy.

    I tried breaking up with her when I went back to the UK to see her a few weeks ago, but she cried so much that it broke my heart and I could not push through with it. But the problems that led me to the decision still exists. I feel like her misfortune and vulnerability, through no fault of my own, has somehow entrapped me with responsibility that I did not anticipate.

    More Problems

    In addition to her suffocating clinginess, complete aversion to change and unwillingness to support my ambitions:

    1) Her age means if we are to start a family together, we need to do it asap. I am not really ready for a family just yet. I would like another year or two to build a more solid foundation for my career.

    2) I would really like to have 2 children. Given Janeís age, there is a significant risk that we wonít be able to have children at all, and at most, just the one. If I marry her, I cannot imagine divorcing her after finding out that we cannot have children. That would be even more heartless. But am I really okay with being childless forever?!

    3) Please do not judge me too harshly for this point. But our sex life is not satisfying. Jane was a virgin before we met, she is very ďvanillaĒ in the bedroom, uncomfortable with new positions or doing anything remotely adventurous. Whilst I do find her attractive, and she has a perfectly healthy and beautiful body by most guysí standards (BMI 23), I have always preferred slimmer girls. No matter how much Iíve prodded her (nicely) to try to encourage her to lose a little weight, she has not been willing to take up serious exercise or weight control. I was single for most of my 20s due to my mental health, I feel like Iíve missed out on a fulfilling sex life, Iím not ready for it to be over already. Sex with Jane has become mechanical and boring. If I am honest. I want more.

    Meeting Cathy

    To complicate matters. Whilst Iíve been in Singapore, Iíve met a local girl, letís call her Cathy. We hit it off straight away, connected on a fundamental level about our worldview, life goals etc. She is so beautiful and intelligent that I find it quite unbelievable that she is even interested in me. Jane is pretty and cute, but Cathy is on another level, she literally turns heads when she walks in a room, just thinking about her excites me. And for some reason I donít fully understand, she appears genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship with me.

    I think I will be very happy with Cathy. She is a little younger than me, she is ambitious and adventurous, but willing to play a supporting role for me in a settled family unit, willing to go wherever my career takes me, and she wants two children as well, roughly with the same plan for the future as I have. It almost feels too good to be true, and it may still be, but for now, she ticks all the boxes.

    Thus far I have not cheated on Jane. Though I suppose some of you will think I already have, emotionally, if not physically, but I would be lying to say that I am not sorely tempted. A long distance relationship is hard enough as it is, it is doubly hard when you are unsure about your future with your partner, but now imagine you have just met nearly your ideal partner, who happens to also like you! It is taking all my willpower to not jump in a taxi and head to Cathy's apartment.

    Questions Questions Questions!

    But what about Jane?! How could I cheat on somebody who loves me so much? Or does she love me, or just need my company? Why should I be obligated to spend the rest of my life with somebody I might not be happy with? But Jane is so good, there is not a bad bone in her, she will be devastated! How could I hurt her so deeply and abandon her after she has already lost her family?! Do my responsibilities matter more than my happiness? Am I a bad man to want to have a more fulfilling sex life? What do I do?! I am very confused, please help me.

  2. #2
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    343
    The heart desires what the heart desires.

    Jane may be the nicest lass in the world, but that doesn't mean she is suitable for you. Either you are able to accept her as she is right now (flaws included) or you are unable to, in which case I'd re-think the whole relationship.

    By the way, does Cathy know that you are in a relationship? If she is aware that you are in one and is still interested in pursuing a relationship with you, that is a huge red flag in my honest opinion.

    You have the right to be with someone that excites you, brings you tremendous joy and all that. I hope this works out for you!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,835
    Gender
    Female
    Between Plain Jane and Chatty Cathy, maybe neither of these women are good for you right now. Interesting choice in names, by the way. One may have been fine in your past and the other is a part of your future. You've outgrown one and you barely know the other. My advice is to end it with Jane and don't commit to Cathy. Take it easy and loosen up a little with the two-kids framework. You're sounding a bit rigid and inflexible. It's fine to have goals but leave room for other possibilities. It might be a good idea to keep working on yourself and developing your career, date a little here and there and meet more people in the meantime.

  4. #4
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    304
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by greendots
    The heart desires what the heart desires.

    Jane may be the nicest lass in the world, but that doesn't mean she is suitable for you. Either you are able to accept her as she is right now (flaws included) or you are unable to, in which case I'd re-think the whole relationship.

    By the way, does Cathy know that you are in a relationship? If she is aware that you are in one and is still interested in pursuing a relationship with you, that is a huge red flag in my honest opinion.

    You have the right to be with someone that excites you, brings you tremendous joy and all that. I hope this works out for you!
    Thanks for your advice.

    I still feel horrible about hurting Jane so deeply. I don't think it is my fault that what happened happened, but I still feel responsible. I do love her, I just don't know if love is enough for us to be happy together.

    As for Cathy, no she does not know about Jane, I met her through a friend after I decided to break up with Jane (but couldn't push through with it). I deliberately delayed doing anything with her until my situation with Jane cleared up, so we met back in June, but I've only been on two dates with her so far. We have been talking a lot more though.

    Yes if you flip the situation around, I'm aware that I'm the one being deceitful to both girls, and a "huge red flag" hangs over my head actually. I'm not normally this sort of person, I consider myself very responsible and loyal, and that's why I'm trying to clear up this confusion in my head asap so I can make a decision and stick with it.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    304
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Between Plain Jane and Chatty Cathy, maybe neither of these women are good for you right now. Interesting choice in names, by the way. One may have been fine in your past and the other is a part of your future. You've outgrown one and you barely know the other. My advice is to end it with Jane and don't commit to Cathy. Take it easy and loosen up a little with the two-kids framework. You're sounding a bit rigid and inflexible. It's fine to have goals but leave room for other possibilities. It might be a good idea to keep working on yourself and developing your career, date a little here and there and meet more people in the meantime.
    Thanks for your feedback.

    Maybe it's my conservative worldview and upbringing, but it feels incredibly cruel to simply say that "I have outgrown Jane". She sacrificed so much for our relationship when I was objectively not a great catch (career wise). Now I'm a bit better, how can I just abandon her?

    As for Cathy, yes you are right, even if I end things with Jane, I am not naive enough to commit to her right away. I don't know enough about her yet, and I do question why she is interested in me when I really think she is out of my league. She might also be cleverer than me, EQ-wise, which makes me nervous about being manipulated, not that there is much she can get from me. lol

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,745
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately it sounds like you settled for Jane but you are completely incompatible. You know what you want, but you seem unable to pull the trigger when it comes to ending things. You will lose this new love interest if you continue to deceive her that you are in another relationship.
    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Whilst Iíve been in Singapore, Iíve met a local girl, letís call her Cathy. I think I will be very happy with Cathy. She is a little younger than me, she is ambitious and adventurous, but willing to play a supporting role for me in a settled family unit, willing to go wherever my career takes me, and she wants two children as well, roughly with the same plan for the future as I have.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,835
    Gender
    Female
    It's unkind to prolong a miserable situation with Jane and you're bringing misery to both of you if you're not in love with each other or can't see a future together. Singapore is a difficult country to raise a family and the dream to leave is fairly prominent among locals. You're an immigrant and expat with roots in Asia and an education abroad.

    Your profile fits what most people are looking for in an ideal partner with ties outside the country. I'd encourage you to stay awhile longer in Singapore and understand the psychology of the locals and learn more about its history, laws, real estate and healthcare system. You will understand her better. Whether or not her eq is high or not may not matter. Gauge what's in a person's heart and understand that person's hardwiring and psychology before committing to them. It takes time to develop a relationship. I'm not unfamiliar with conservative views. Don't be afraid to start your life over on a different note.

  9. #8
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    348
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It's unkind to prolong a miserable situation with Jane and you're bringing misery to both of you if you're not in love with each other or can't see a future together. Singapore is a difficult country to raise a family and the dream to leave is fairly prominent among locals. You're an immigrant and expat with roots in Asia and an education abroad.

    Your profile fits what most people are looking for in an ideal partner with ties outside the country. I'd encourage you to stay awhile longer in Singapore and understand the psychology of the locals and learn more about its history, laws, real estate and healthcare system. You will understand her better. Whether or not her eq is high or not may not matter. Gauge what's in a person's heart and understand that person's hardwiring and psychology before committing to them. It takes time to develop a relationship. I'm not unfamiliar with conservative views. Don't be afraid to start your life over on a different note.
    This.

    Give Jane the respect she deserves and cut things off with her. Don't lead her on any more. Then, after you've done some soul-searching, see if Cathy is interested. But, if you are not interested in her, don't pursue it. You seem to want a very specific family portrait; that might be hard to find. Please don't use a "spot filler" in the meantime.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,144
    It's not that you outgrew Jane. It's that you grew to the point that you could recognize that the two of you aren't a great fit. Sometimes that revelation comes sooner, sometimes not so quickly. Sometimes you notice it early on - but the allowing yourself to believe that you aren't compatible (perhaps because you don't want to hurt someone or find yourself alone again) is what takes time.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,406
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by saluk
    It's not that you outgrew Jane. It's that you grew to the point that you could recognize that the two of you aren't a great fit. Sometimes that revelation comes sooner, sometimes not so quickly. Sometimes you notice it early on - but the allowing yourself to believe that you aren't compatible (perhaps because you don't want to hurt someone or find yourself alone again) is what takes time.
    And I think having met Cathy, it further reinforces your need to end it with Jane. Not that Cathy is the right person for you, but rather you've sensed this all along. This comparison and experience just reinforces it.

    As far as Cathy, I understand feeling responsible but this family dynamic existed long before you came alone and will continue to carry on in your absence. As challenging as it may be, this might be what Jane needs to get a handle on her own life and make difficult some changes. It won't happen while in a relationship with you. Sometimes things need to get worse before they get better.

    Based on everything you've described, though Jane seems like a lovely person, she grew up in a highly dysfunctional atmosphere. She brings that into her relationships because it's all she knows. I'd be very concerned starting a family with her.

    But what ever you decide, do not marry out of obligation or guilt.

Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •