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Thread: Conflicted on whether i am doing the right thing.

  1. #1

    Conflicted on whether i am doing the right thing.

    Hi everyone,

    This is my first time posting and first time visiting this community.

    So - i have been with someone for the past 2.5 years. In the beginning things were great, but i always noticed that i felt as though he didn't always speak to me in a respectful way. Mostly getting short with me, aggressively saying my name like a parent would and kind of telling me off almost. However apart from this the relationship was really good. We spent a lot of time together and texted frequently, always telling each-other how much we wanted to be together etc. Normal relationship stuff.

    Fast forward to 6 months ago, I started noticing that the remarks towards me were getting pretty frequent, the texting had slowed down a lot and we were seeing each-other less and less. He has hobbies that take up a lot of (solo) time and i spent a lot of time being fitted in around this. I know hobbies are important however so i let him get on with them and actively encouraged them. In our spare time his first thought would be how to fit in his hobbies. This became apparent when he decided to go off on a solo adventure for 2.5 months over summer (we are students and have a large summer break in-between semesters). He didn't really want to go on holiday together but i feel as though i wore him down and we decided to meet in the middle.

    Before we met on holiday we were apart for 6 weeks. Throughout this time we spoke over text and rang each-other maybe 3 times (he isnt a big phone call person). However the texts were nothing like they should be in a relationship and i felt just like he was checking in with a friend, no miss you, love you etc unless i did and in which case he would reciprocate. One day i messaged him asking if he could tell me something nice and that he loved me because i was going through a hard time with family stuff and wanted to hear it. He didn't message me for 5 days until i rang him and he said he "hadn't come away for me to nag at him."

    We meet up on holiday in a beautiful destination. But i felt so alone the whole time. He was short with me, made some quite nasty remarks and i felt as though i was a burden the whole time. I left him to go home when the holiday ended and cried for about two hours, that was when i decided enough was enough. The person i was with 2 years ago is not the same person now, and he isn't being respectful. I had some time to think and had to unfortunately message him this because we still had a month of him on his trip. I said i felt unhappy, i felt he was rude and made me so upset on holiday. He said "we can talk when i'm back". I reiterated the message about 2 weeks later and got the same reply "talk when back".

    I won't be seeing him until next week when we are both in the same country again. We haven't spoken apart from this. I just kind of want to know whether i am making a really silly decision by ending it with someone who when the good is good, we have great times. Or whether the way its been in the pat 6 or so months is enough to be a dealbreaker.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    From what you've written, I think you've made the right decision. From what you've written, honestly, it sounds like what made this relationship work, in part, is that you overlooked, early, the very thing that made it unsustainable: his routine disrespect of you. Instead of addressing that, it was allowed to be part of your foundation together—a crack that worsened with time. That didn't "suddenly happen" over the past 6 months, but was something you observed early but decided the "good outweighed the bad," as the saying goes. Which it can. For a time. The problem with bad is that it has real weight, can't be thought or felt into oblivion.

    Anyhow, dude sounds completely checked out, completely incapable of giving you even a slice of the the pie you need to feel full. That sucks, yes. But ultimately it should just affirm that you're making the right choice right now. Big picture: I don't think you want to be in a relationship where you're having to ask someone to say something nice to you, since nothing good comes from that. Generally, the moment you're asking for that what you're really asking is for someone to be a person they are not, and have never been, which means its time to start making space to find the right person rather than exerting energy to see if you can get the wrong person to morph into the right now.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is this a LDR? Never allow people to treat you like this. Never beg someone to be with you. Never beg someone to like you. Never beg someone to talk to you. Talk to a trusted adult about this, perhaps ask your parents to take you to a therapist.

    If there is trouble at home, all the more reason to get adult support from intelligent trusted people. You have dangerously low self-esteem. Squeezing any morsel of attention from a jerk like this is very sad. Get involved with friends, sports, academics, interests, groups, clubs, etc .

    In the meantime read up on verbal abuse/bullying and teen dating warning signs. You need to cut this jerk off 100% and block and delete him and anyone associated with him from All your social media and All your messaging apps.
    Originally Posted by troubledsurf
    i messaged him asking if he could tell me something nice and that he loved me because i was going through a hard time with family stuff

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I agree with Bluecastle's advice. Women sometimes wait too long to break up, hoping the good times will return, holding on to that magical past. But you have to realize that when a relationship regresses versus progressing, it means he no longer cares.

    Sometimes men start treating a woman poorly so that she will do the deed of breaking up instead of him pulling the plug. If he truly cared, when you said you weren't happy, despite his dislike of phone calls, he would be calling you to straighten things out.

    You feel like a burden instead of being one of the most special people in your bf's life. Yes, it's time to make your exit so that you will be free to eventually find someone who is actually worthy of your love. Take care.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    The relationship has ran it's course. Instead of moving forward, it's going backwards. IMO there is nothing to repair because it's only been 6 months, not 6 years. This is who he is...a bad BF. Dump this chump.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. This is called the "invitation to leave" approach. It often gets used when the "slow fade- take the hint" approach hasn't worked.
    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Sometimes men start treating a woman poorly so that she will do the deed of breaking up instead of him pulling the plug.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, surf. I agree with the others. I have a different approach though. I'd probably bide my time and wait for him to come back and see what he has to say. This isn't necessarily for him but more for myself (to leave no stone unturned, so to speak). There are different ways to go about it and no one way is right or wrong. You're not in tremendous harm and he's out of town. I'd see this person as low risk/low impact in my life. All the pain inside is not going to get better quickly whether he's in town or out of town but I'd likely have waited and when I was completely sure, I would end it too.

    You are not doing the wrong thing if you feel this is better for you. When a relationship closes or ends, there is often a void no matter how unhealthy or how much of it is your decision to leave. Begin to cultivate new ideas and rebuild your philosophies and thoughts surrounding what you feel would have been your ideal partner instead. Leave room for growth in everyone. Start sowing new seeds in the hole in the ground. Grow your ideas and grow strong over time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Honestly, I would’ve responded to his “we can talk when I’m back” text with a big fat “No need to talk. I’m ending this relationship now.”

    You’re doing the right thing. Keep searching for the guy who lifts you up and fills your heart with happiness. This guy is not him!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Agree. This is called the "invitation to leave" approach. It often gets used when the "slow fade- take the hint" approach hasn't worked.
    I agree with this. People often behave badly hoping you'll get tired of it and leave.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by indea08
    Honestly, I would’ve responded to his “we can talk when I’m back” text with a big fat “No need to talk. I’m ending this relationship now.”

    You’re doing the right thing. Keep searching for the guy who lifts you up and fills your heart with happiness. This guy is not him!
    Couldn't agree more. It'll be the most powerful thing you've ever done.

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