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Thread: Am I being selfish or stupid?

  1. #1
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    Am I being selfish or stupid?

    Ok so I'm sure some of you have read my post in the relationship thread about my fiance working out of town and us barely talking and so on.
    Basically what this boils down to is I'm unhappy. I have been extremely stressed due to the fact that he still has not been able to contribute to the Bill's at all. Except maybe $50. Now granted I can see where some of you would say he shouldn't have to pay for any of the bills here, if he's not currently here which I understand. but he's not even trying to help pay our cellphone bill. His solution to the fact that our phones are going to be shutoff is to just forget about it and go get a prepaid phone. Now I've had the same cellphone company for 7 years. Not to mention I've been working on rebuilding my credit after filing bankruptcy last year. So when he said that I was infuriated. I did calmly tell him that that is not an option nor the way i handle things. It's been harder because I had surgery 3 weeks ago and I missed a little over a week of work, on top of I'm part time and now they've cut hours so I don't even get what used to be the minimum of 25 hours a week. And I have considered getting another part time job, but on also trying to overextend myself and screw my shoulder recovery because I've also just started school.
    I've not had to worry so much because my veterans disability does cover the rent for the apartment. but there's still about $900 in bills that have to be paid every month. Which he used to atleast help me pay the electricity and the phone bill. I always of course covered my car and insurance. but now I'm basically scrambling to cover for everything.
    It has boiled down to the fact that I'm now having to move in with friends because I can no longer afford all the bills. His response was I'm sorry baby but thats a good idea and basically that was it.
    Mind you, it did take a bit for me to realize the only bill he has where he's at is rent to the people he's living with. Thats only 250. And he sends $50 child support every week for his daughter. I know he has child support taken out for his son. but he gets paid every week, where I only get paid every 2 weeks. And I'm lucky now if its $150 And he's currently making a good bit more than me.
    He goes to the gym every day on his dime and he buys protein powder and pre-workout supplements as well. But says he can't send anymore money.
    Is it wrong of me to be fed up? I've been thinking about ending things and just getting a fresh start. Especially since at 33 I'm having to move in with friends to get my together. on top of now I'm going to school and still recovering from shoulder surgery. Am I being stupid or what?

  2. #2
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    I forgot to say, just incase no one had read my other post, we have been together for 3 years and have been living together for about the same amount of time.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, you're not selfish nor stupid. No, it's not wrong of you be fed up. Both of you are sharing the same cell phone company because both of you have cell phones, therefore, he should help pay the monthly cell phone bill. His careless attitude of: "It's ok to shutoff our phones and go get prepaid phones" sounds as if simply doesn't care nor does he care that you're recovering from your recent BK and trying to improve your credit. He is the one who is selfish and self-centered. He doesn't care if you flounder financially. To him, this is YOUR problem, NOT his.

    He doesn't seem to mind leaving you in the lurch as you recover post-op and need money to make ends meet. He's not the least bit fazed that you will have to move out and move in with friends yet he has no qualms with spending money on a gym membership, expensive powders and supplements.

    Shortage of money ALWAYS causes discord between two people or in relationships. (I hope you're healing well from your surgery.) 'Love don't pay the rent.'

    You don't have many choices. Either do what you can to survive with your limited work hours, monthly budget and school and keep him or get rid of him and breakup.

    In the future, be with a man who doesn't have baggage such as kids from his ex nor works out of town often. It will be less complicated and less expensive this way. Become very picky and choosy.

  4. #4
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    Why did you decide to live together immediately?

    In your previous thread you said you've been together 3 years and living together for 2 years. Now you say you've been living together pretty much the entire 3 years.

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    Hmmm this is not a black and white issue in my opinion. From my male perspective...

    I do not mind paying for the majority of things when spending time with my girlfriend, but I would probably be quite annoyed if I had to pay to subsidize her life in general.

    For example, I am in an LDR, my girlfriend lives at my house rent free, I still pay for the taxes and utility bills. I have even cleared a room of a lodger because she did not like living with strangers, and I will not ask her to pay me for the loss of income from the rent, because I can afford it for now.

    However, if my financial situation worsened, and I need to rent out a room again to make ends meet, then I will not be best pleased if she throws a tantrum over the issue unless she was willing to pay me for the value of the rent lost. I will also not be okay if she asked for money to pay for her expenses, such as care costs for her parents, the mortgage on her own house etc.

    This might seem a bit selfish, but I do not think being a boyfriend obligates me to provide for your every need. A girlfriend is not a child, not a human being that I need to be responsible for in every aspect.

    That said, my policy totally changes she was pregnant and/or raising my child. In that case I absolutely do have an obligation to provide her at least the basic necessities and accept my responsibilities as a partner and father, because she is losing income in order to raise my child.

    I get that you are currently facing significant financial difficulty, and that really sucks, but I do not think that obligates your boyfriend to pick up the slack. Your partner should not be your solution for money problems, if he were, then your relationship would not be balanced anymore. He has a right to spend the money he earns how he wants. I think it is rather unfair to characterize it as simple selfishness if he does not want to pay for your living expenses.

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    He was helping me with the bills before he took this out of town job. And everything was fine. Now I just feel that he hiding how much he is making from me, always giving excuses. I'm not mad about that part. It's the fact that I know how much he make per hour. And there should be no reason for him to say he's broke. Now yes if we were both doing good and bills were paid. I wouldn't care if he was going to the gym and buying supplements. But we are engaged. We are supposed to get married at some point... and don't people in marriages generally both take care of everything? Especially if that was the agreement before. And he's spending money at the gym and on supplements when I don't even have gas money here or money for food. does that seem fair?

  8. #7
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    But you're not married.

    He can spend a million dollars on supplements if he wants to.

    What would you do if you were single? Would you be relying on someone else to help you pay your bills?

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    I basically jumped in to fast is what it boils down to. I can admit to my mistakes. I fell for him so hard. and he was needing somewhere to go when he left his abusive boss, he didn't know anyone where he lived because him and his wife had moved to be closer to her family, and then she left him and took his daughter and step daughter over 1k miles away to be with her high school sweet heart.
    I'm to damn nice...

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by msgirl
    I basically jumped in to fast is what it boils down to. I can admit to my mistakes. I fell for him so hard. and he was needing somewhere to go when he left his abusive boss, he didn't know anyone where he lived because him and his wife had moved to be closer to her family, and then she left him and took his daughter and step daughter over 1k miles away to be with her high school sweet heart.
    I'm to damn nice...
    And you think because you were too nice he owes it to you to help you pay your bills?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, he's been tiptoeing out of the relationship for quite a while. He no longer lives with you so should not participate financially in any way. In addition to veterans disability, you need to research more resources such as social services assistance with food, medical care, education, employment assistance and other ways of getting help. You may be able to get a phone.

    Try to cut back on excess expenses. Many people opt for a more affordable prepaid phone plan. Your bills sound rather excessive and are Not his responsibility.. You need to learn to budget. Keep in mind, you're single, do not live together have been conflicted and on/off so you can't keep counting on him. If you have real problems move home to your parents and learn to live on disability and other resources or get healthy and start working more.
    Originally Posted by msgirl
    I've not had to worry so much because my veterans disability does cover the rent for the apartment. but there's still about $900 in bills that have to be paid every month.

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