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Thread: Do I keep going or shall I end it?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    There are many men and women who choose partners who are disabled and are happy as.

    This is a matter of incompatibility. End of.

    But there was no call for put downs to the disabled or to speak so disrespectfully!! They are human beings who got the short end of the stick.

    Your MIL might not have the best personality but not everyone handles permanent disability well and it breaks a person down to where they behave as they normally wouldn't have.

    I still think its disgusting how you speak about her. If you don't like her, stay as far away from her as possible.

    The whole point is, disabled are no different than anyone else. Everyone has flaws and issues, some that many don't want to deal with but it's much more difficult to see "normal" people's bad sides as most hide them.

    But I fully believe that there are many disabled that are ten times the better choice than some of the human garbage that is walking around out there.

    If OP isn't up for her lifestyle, so be it. But no need to be hateful about it or belittling. At least her flaws are obvious and a person knows what they are getting...god knows there is a million times worse though...this board is testament to that.

    Just because someone's not disabled, doesn't mean they aren't ten million times worse or a massive life ruiner.
    I can cite my fully able bodied ex for an example.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 08-11-2019 at 12:22 PM.

  2. #32
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    Cheryln, reading your posts, I can't figure out if your MIL is actually sick/disabled in some capacity and truly needs caretaking or if you and others in your family believe she's being histrionic and seeking attention.

    And if you do believe her behaviour is mostly attention-seeking, perhaps that is why you feel so bitter and resentful?

    I mean you stated in your post that all she wants to do is dine at restaurants, socialize and eat? And that it's "boring." I sense a lot of resentment in those words, can you clarify what you're feeling resentful about? Her disability or her attitude? A bit confused about that.

    Recalling Dana and Chris Reeve, reading her book and seeing them both and then after his death, just her in interviews, she felt no anger or bitterness towards Chis after his accident, in fact the opposite, the challenges it presented tested their love, enhanced it and ultimately brought them closer.

    What you describe re your in-laws is not how it is for everyone caring for a disabled person, and to the OP, you should be aware of that too, not just the negative aspects.

    I'm sorry for your experience Cheryln, but as Sherry said, one's partner having a disability (such as arthritis) does not necessarily mean having a miserable life or feeling like caring for them is a burden such as you described.

    In fact, as I said these challenges can actually increase intimacy and bring a couple closer.

    Imo, it has a lot to do with the attitude of the disabled person. If they're the "martyr" type, expecting to be catered to 24/7 without doing anything to help themselves, even in mind and spirit, or constantly whining and complaining, that would be difficult.

    But that has nothing to do with the disability per se, it's the attitude that becomes the burden.

    On the other hand, if their attitude is positive (such as Chris Reeve's was for example), their love and emotional intimacy can actually increase in many cases.

    JMO. :)
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-11-2019 at 04:54 PM.

  3. #33
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    To be fair though not everybodyís in-laws are a sweet old granny and grand papy. Some are actually hideous . Rude and arrogant and nasty . That views how you see that person when you get treated like sh*t.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    To be fair though not everybodyís in-laws are a sweet old granny and grand papy. Some are actually hideous . Rude and arrogant and nasty . That views how you see that person when you get treated like sh*t.
    ~Seraphim~ You hit the nail on the head!

    This thread is off topic and took a wild tangent. OPs original complaint was that he feels like a bored caregiver instead of a boyfriend. And with that statement, I told him to listen to his gut instincts because it's usually right and correct all along. If there is a hair of doubt deeply implanted within the deep recesses of his brain regarding whether or not he is up for the challenge to be in caretaker mode, he needs to err on the side of caution by declining full time, around-the-clock caregivng as the disabled person worsens. It's better than feeling overwhelmed, regretful and quitting on her later. Unfortunately, some caregivers give up and leave the disabled which IMHO is far more "heartless and cruel" in the long run.

    As for my MIL, she has a very long laundry list of ailments and milks it for all its worth. I'm not saying I shouldn't feel sorry for the disabled, invalids and the disadvantaged because I feel sorry for them. However, some people grow too dependent and transform their dependence to the point of expectations and taking advantage of those around them. In other words, the rest of us are taken for granted and there is no gratitude whatsoever. Sometimes, this transition cannot be helped and at that point, yes, caregiving feels taxing and burdensome. I'm not referring to professional outsourced, expensive caregiver help because the majority of the population cannot monetarily afford to shell out that kind of cash.

    Again, you have no clue what I've done for my MIL. Out of everyone, I've always been the first to race to her doorstep with homemade dinners, side dishes and dessert in tow every month for many years in a row. Someone had to menu plan, grocery shop, cook, clean, package and deliver those meals and it was ME. That sounds so "heartless and cruel," doesn't it? I've given her a lot of money over the years, too. Again, that sounds so "heartless and cruel," doesn't it? None of the other relatives nor friends ever stepped to do anything nor race to her aid as I've done. You don't know anything about my MIL & FIL. My husband and I have done numerous repairs and maintenance to their home in addition to delivering full course homemade meals in tow. Isn't that so "heartless and cruel?"

    I've also noticed that people who are shut ins and very unhealthy, tend to be very difficult to get along with. They're really cranky and while I'm compassionate to a point, it's difficult to be in caregiver mode when you have to deal with unhappy, irritable, crabby, disabled people. Very difficult. If you say something pleasant, they bite your head off! I don't have to put up with that. It's time to enforce boundaries. Again, I feel sorry, however, if I had a choice just like the OP, I prefer to lessen those crabby personality interactions as much as possible. This is one of the reasons why I don't jump in my car to make the long drive to MIL's house nor am I willing to be at her beck and call. I have to draw the line somewhere.

    If there's a choice, take it. If you're committed, then you're in it for the long haul. If you change your mind after commitment to the disabled, then that is what is called "heartless and cruel." Get that straight.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    To be fair though not everybodyís in-laws are a sweet old granny and grand papy. Some are actually hideous . Rude and arrogant and nasty . That views how you see that person when you get treated like sh*t.
    Yes they are, or some are, which actually has nothing to do with their physical disability, whatever their particular disability happens to be, but more about their crap attitude in general.

    And there are plenty of people without a disability with that same crap attitude, and also plenty of people with disabilities with a pleasant, positive and appreciative attitude.

    So yes Cheryln, I agree this thread did venture off topic, because what I am sensing from your posts is that your resentment towards your MIL has more to do with her entitlement attitude and lack of appreciation for all you and other family members do, than whatever disability she suffers from.

    Which resentment is understandable imo.

    To the OP, bottom line if your gf brings you down, for whatever reason, and she's not enhancing your life in some form or fashion, then do yourselves both a favor and end it.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    To be fair though not everybodyís in-laws are a sweet old granny and grand papy. Some are actually hideous . Rude and arrogant and nasty . That views how you see that person when you get treated like sh*t.
    But then that's about attitude Sera, not being disabled.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Again, you have no clue what I've done for my MIL. Out of everyone, I've always been the first to race to her doorstep with homemade dinners, side dishes and dessert in tow every month for many years in a row.
    Stop doing it. You obviously resent it and you sound like you hate her. No one wants something done for them out of hate. You don't come off very good doing these things and grumbling the whole time or complaining every bit as loudly as your MIL.

    As for their "crabbiness" again...good god, you're darn lucky you've never known suffering to this degree. If you think it's easy to maintain a happy attitude all the while being forced out of everyday life and being healthy and productive like everyone else...you're wrong.

    It's massively difficult to go on with that kind of suffering months, or even years and not have a whole lot of anxiety or depression, which is reflected in their "attitude".

    My mother looked after many disabled people for 40 years. Her attitude was, they can't, and I can. She helped with a kind heart and understanding. She knew at the end of the work day she could walk out of there, go for a long walk, take a vacation to clear her mind, etc.

    Those people would never be able to leave that place or do any of it ever again.

    You're a very angry person, Cheryl and it's far from healthy or okay.

  9. #38
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I hate my MIL too. What of it? She is a nasty cow.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Seraphim...we are talking about disabled people, not MIL's.

  11. #40
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    My mother in law is also currently disabled. So is my FIL , so is my mom and my dad , so is my son and I am sometimes disabled due to pain from my arthritis.

    Cheryln isnít against disabled people . She made that clear her attitude is about her MIL not the disabled. You are beating a dead horse.
    w
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Seraphim...we are talking about disabled people, not MIL's.

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