Do I keep going or shall I end it?

[Cherylyn]

Calm down Sher. Let the OP make his decision based upon knowing that if he remains with her, he will end up in caregiver mode. This is the gist of his post.

 

My MIL is fine and fortunately, her husband tends to her despite his getting up there in the years, too. They're retired, have more time, quite affluent and have the wherewithal for a very comfortable upper middle class life. The rest of us have full time day jobs, families to raise, households to run and they don't live very close to us anyway.

 

My brother resides closer to my retired mother so he helps her a lot. I just celebrated my mother's birthday with her yesterday. We only do what we can and as our schedules permit. Unfortunately, our time is limited due to our full time jobs.

 

I think it's great that other people don't mind being in full time caregiver mode. Not everyone can do it due to lack of time and resources. Whether you like it or not, you need to accept reality when it comes to around-the-clock caregiver duties.

 

Fortunately, the OP has the opportunity to make his decision and choice based upon her worsening condition. He's obviously not enjoying her company anymore. It would be unfair to her since he's so bored with her, feels like her caregiver instead of a boyfriend.

 

Don't get so emotional, Sher and think of the OP's original statements and facts here with his original post. You need to reread his original post.

[SherrySher]

Don't you dare make harsh, hateful statements regarding disabled people and then tell me to calm down when you get this kind of reaction!!

 

Learn to be more empathetic and if you can't be, stay away from anyone with a disability and keep your thoughts to yourself.

 

Not everyone has as hateful of a heart as you do.

 

 

You have no clue the suffering people go through and god willing, maybe one day you will be taught that lesson and gain some humbleness.

[Cherylyn]

I'm actually being compassionate to the disabled because I think it's worse to commit, make promises to them and then become angry and flake out later because life became too hard tending to their every need.

 

Don't get me wrong, Sher. I'm all for helping the disabled as long as the commitment is there in the first place. What I was getting at was since the OP has a CHOICE and DECISION to make, he has the choice to either say, "Yes, I'll commit to more caregiver duties than being in boyfriend mode," OR say, "I don't want to get in over my head and bail later when caregiving for the disabled feels overwhelming" and according to his words caregiving is "boring."

 

Don't distort and misconstrue what I say. I have a disabled friend. She is a lovely girl. Even her own parents had to send her off and she has to live in a rented room at a nearby house because this disabled young lady became too much for her parents to care for. Her mother can no longer do the backbreaking work of lifting her heavy adult daughter's body in and out of a bathtub. Things like that. And her disabled twin is in a facility, unfortunately and they're going broke over it.

 

As much as you hate reality for the person doing the caregiving, you need to look at how it impacts others. OP already stated how he feels more like a bored caregiver than her boyfriend. His words, NOT mine!

[RainyCoast]

I think I get both sides of the debate. Sort of.

 

I've been a carer to close family several times. I had, and have, zero resentment for them because it was 100% not what they would've chosen for themselves or me had they ever had a choice at all. I don't regret what I did for them in the slightest, and in fact only wish I could've done more, and better.

 

That said, man. I'm still not entirely back to being a whole person since the last time. To say that it was brutal and detrimental to me is a severe understatement. I did it for family, if not for them, for whom? If not me, who? There was a time when I wouldn't have written someone off as a partner due to them requiring extra assistance, provided it was a legitimate need rather than a vampiric personality (perhaps the MIL Cheryl describes has that personality type on top of her objectively unfavorable condition, and there is behavior that family resent, rather than resenting her actual disability). However, some time ago, I still had some capacity to assist people to a considerate degree. That's gone now, for real. One, I've been a carer to people with extreme need for assistance, in some other past personal relationships I've been a codependent caretaker, so I'm, uhh, done, and two, I occupationally assist people in multiple ways. There's no way I could assign myself as caretaker or caregiver to a partner these days. Not so much an emotional reservation I think, at least insofar as we're talking about disability without a problematic character type, just an honest statement of how much I can extend myself these days without ending up hospitalized myself, or how psychologically drained I'd get in no time. I think many people would be equally likely to exhaust themselves to extremes this way, even more so if marked codependency tendencies are present, as they often are.

 

While one can partner up with a healthy person who ends up needing care later on, that's certainly not the same to me as choosing someone who needs the care now, and is only going to need more as time goes on. The only way I could personality pull it off is if them or I could afford long term outsourcing.

 

In OP's case though, I'd urge him to leave now. There was a thread on here last time I was on that pissed me off to no end. Guy dated, married, and twice impregnated a woman whom he knew from the start had several serious conditions that rendered her a suffering ruin (one of those would've been enough to render most people the same), and here he was, twelve years later, complaining of her STILL not being a perky, energetic, functional joy. For twelve frikkin years he acted like a disabled person should've acted and functioned as if not one thing was objectively crushing her to rock bottom. Why not just date, marry, and impregnate an amputee, then complain she never goes running with you! If this is what Cheryl suggests by warning OP to realistically consider the extent to which an ill person's needs tend to grow, I totally get that. Don't be the guy who later complains she's not some other, healthy woman. In no way do I get people who chose an ill person, and then complain of not getting a healthy one. And yes, as Sherry points out, those are terribly detrimental to the disabled.

 

 

 

 

OP's concern of hurting her by leaving is a true portrayal of how clueless people can be of a disabled person's experience (at his age, I can understand). It is cruel to stay with her while resenting her condition. I guarantee she feels every bit of his disappointment (he's already resenting her for not being "exciting" - he is disappointed in how boring a disabled person's life is. Until he accepts what they've had to accept, that they won't hike, party hard, work a challenging job, energetically entertain their children or even change their clothes, no, he shouldn't be staying with her)--

 

and she's young enough for this to leave a lasting influence on how she feels about and deals with her condition and relates to others, and she already has previous experience that requires a change in who and how she chooses to get involved with in order to not cause herself permanent discouragement in living and relating to self or others with her condition.

 

If he's feeling big, perhaps volunteering to help the disabled would be a better introduction into the lives of disabled, given the number of other people assisting, gradual and moderate taking on of chores and exposure, and the chance to get an understanding of their experience without his personal needs and expectations obscuring it.

 

This girl will likely have a painful personal journey learning to grow despite and through her limitations. I wouldn't personally want to be the person behind her lone eventual realization the tremendous task of nourishment, encouragement, and guiltless acceptance is most likely to be best undertaken by herself and a competent, compassionate professional or two. Life has a way of sending the right partner along when one learns to do without, and certainly a way of teaching one to stand alone when they would most desire to lean on.

[Cherylyn]

RainyCoast, you are spot on!

 

Most people don't know what real caregiver duties entail. It's physically, backbreaking work to lift heavy bodies in and out of bed, in and out of wheelchairs, in and out of bathtubs, helping them with their personal needs such as bathroom help and a caregiver is very tied down.

 

I fully support those who devote their entire lives helping the disabled, invalids and the unfortunate.

 

However, the bottom line is the OP here and he clearly stated that he felt more of a bored caregiver than a boyfriend and has misgivings committing to long term caregiver duties for the woman. He should listen to his gut instincts because it's always right on the mark. If he's unsure, he shouldn't do it. That little voice inside him is uncertain, therefore, he needs to listen to that little voice inside him and not commit if he can't deliver.

 

It's more "heartless and cruel" to go against his better judgment, find out how overwhelming it is to tend to a disabled person 24 / 7 and then end up leaving her in the lurch. It's worse to make promises you'll either regret, not keep or both!

[SherrySher]

There are many men and women who choose partners who are disabled and are happy as.

 

This is a matter of incompatibility. End of.

 

But there was no call for put downs to the disabled or to speak so disrespectfully!! They are human beings who got the short end of the stick.

 

Your MIL might not have the best personality but not everyone handles permanent disability well and it breaks a person down to where they behave as they normally wouldn't have.

 

I still think its disgusting how you speak about her. If you don't like her, stay as far away from her as possible.

 

The whole point is, disabled are no different than anyone else. Everyone has flaws and issues, some that many don't want to deal with but it's much more difficult to see "normal" people's bad sides as most hide them.

 

But I fully believe that there are many disabled that are ten times the better choice than some of the human garbage that is walking around out there.

 

If OP isn't up for her lifestyle, so be it. But no need to be hateful about it or belittling. At least her flaws are obvious and a person knows what they are getting...god knows there is a million times worse though...this board is testament to that.

 

Just because someone's not disabled, doesn't mean they aren't ten million times worse or a massive life ruiner.

I can cite my fully able bodied ex for an example.

[katrina1980]

Cheryln, reading your posts, I can't figure out if your MIL is actually sick/disabled in some capacity and truly needs caretaking or if you and others in your family believe she's being histrionic and seeking attention.

 

And if you do believe her behaviour is mostly attention-seeking, perhaps that is why you feel so bitter and resentful?

 

I mean you stated in your post that all she wants to do is dine at restaurants, socialize and eat? And that it's "boring." I sense a lot of resentment in those words, can you clarify what you're feeling resentful about? Her disability or her attitude? A bit confused about that.

 

Recalling Dana and Chris Reeve, reading her book and seeing them both and then after his death, just her in interviews, she felt no anger or bitterness towards Chis after his accident, in fact the opposite, the challenges it presented tested their love, enhanced it and ultimately brought them closer.

 

What you describe re your in-laws is not how it is for everyone caring for a disabled person, and to the OP, you should be aware of that too, not just the negative aspects.

 

I'm sorry for your experience Cheryln, but as Sherry said, one's partner having a disability (such as arthritis) does not necessarily mean having a miserable life or feeling like caring for them is a burden such as you described.

 

In fact, as I said these challenges can actually increase intimacy and bring a couple closer.

 

Imo, it has a lot to do with the attitude of the disabled person. If they're the "martyr" type, expecting to be catered to 24/7 without doing anything to help themselves, even in mind and spirit, or constantly whining and complaining, that would be difficult.

 

But that has nothing to do with the disability per se, it's the attitude that becomes the burden.

 

On the other hand, if their attitude is positive (such as Chris Reeve's was for example), their love and emotional intimacy can actually increase in many cases.

 

JMO. :)

[Seraphim]

To be fair though not everybody’s in-laws are a sweet old granny and grand papy. Some are actually hideous . Rude and arrogant and nasty . That views how you see that person when you get treated like sh*t.

[Cherylyn]

To be fair though not everybody’s in-laws are a sweet old granny and grand papy. Some are actually hideous . Rude and arrogant and nasty . That views how you see that person when you get treated like sh*t.

 

~Seraphim~ You hit the nail on the head!

 

This thread is off topic and took a wild tangent. OPs original complaint was that he feels like a bored caregiver instead of a boyfriend. And with that statement, I told him to listen to his gut instincts because it's usually right and correct all along. If there is a hair of doubt deeply implanted within the deep recesses of his brain regarding whether or not he is up for the challenge to be in caretaker mode, he needs to err on the side of caution by declining full time, around-the-clock caregivng as the disabled person worsens. It's better than feeling overwhelmed, regretful and quitting on her later. Unfortunately, some caregivers give up and leave the disabled which IMHO is far more "heartless and cruel" in the long run.

 

As for my MIL, she has a very long laundry list of ailments and milks it for all its worth. I'm not saying I shouldn't feel sorry for the disabled, invalids and the disadvantaged because I feel sorry for them. However, some people grow too dependent and transform their dependence to the point of expectations and taking advantage of those around them. In other words, the rest of us are taken for granted and there is no gratitude whatsoever. Sometimes, this transition cannot be helped and at that point, yes, caregiving feels taxing and burdensome. I'm not referring to professional outsourced, expensive caregiver help because the majority of the population cannot monetarily afford to shell out that kind of cash.

 

Again, you have no clue what I've done for my MIL. Out of everyone, I've always been the first to race to her doorstep with homemade dinners, side dishes and dessert in tow every month for many years in a row. Someone had to menu plan, grocery shop, cook, clean, package and deliver those meals and it was ME. That sounds so "heartless and cruel," doesn't it? I've given her a lot of money over the years, too. Again, that sounds so "heartless and cruel," doesn't it? None of the other relatives nor friends ever stepped to do anything nor race to her aid as I've done. You don't know anything about my MIL & FIL. My husband and I have done numerous repairs and maintenance to their home in addition to delivering full course homemade meals in tow. Isn't that so "heartless and cruel?"

 

I've also noticed that people who are shut ins and very unhealthy, tend to be very difficult to get along with. They're really cranky and while I'm compassionate to a point, it's difficult to be in caregiver mode when you have to deal with unhappy, irritable, crabby, disabled people. Very difficult. If you say something pleasant, they bite your head off! I don't have to put up with that. It's time to enforce boundaries. Again, I feel sorry, however, if I had a choice just like the OP, I prefer to lessen those crabby personality interactions as much as possible. This is one of the reasons why I don't jump in my car to make the long drive to MIL's house nor am I willing to be at her beck and call. I have to draw the line somewhere.

 

If there's a choice, take it. If you're committed, then you're in it for the long haul. If you change your mind after commitment to the disabled, then that is what is called "heartless and cruel." Get that straight.

[katrina1980]

To be fair though not everybody’s in-laws are a sweet old granny and grand papy. Some are actually hideous . Rude and arrogant and nasty . That views how you see that person when you get treated like sh*t.

 

Yes they are, or some are, which actually has nothing to do with their physical disability, whatever their particular disability happens to be, but more about their crap attitude in general.

 

And there are plenty of people without a disability with that same crap attitude, and also plenty of people with disabilities with a pleasant, positive and appreciative attitude.

 

So yes Cheryln, I agree this thread did venture off topic, because what I am sensing from your posts is that your resentment towards your MIL has more to do with her entitlement attitude and lack of appreciation for all you and other family members do, than whatever disability she suffers from.

 

Which resentment is understandable imo.

 

To the OP, bottom line if your gf brings you down, for whatever reason, and she's not enhancing your life in some form or fashion, then do yourselves both a favor and end it.

[SherrySher]

To be fair though not everybody’s in-laws are a sweet old granny and grand papy. Some are actually hideous . Rude and arrogant and nasty . That views how you see that person when you get treated like sh*t.

 

But then that's about attitude Sera, not being disabled.

[SherrySher]

Again, you have no clue what I've done for my MIL. Out of everyone, I've always been the first to race to her doorstep with homemade dinners, side dishes and dessert in tow every month for many years in a row.

 

Stop doing it. You obviously resent it and you sound like you hate her. No one wants something done for them out of hate. You don't come off very good doing these things and grumbling the whole time or complaining every bit as loudly as your MIL.

 

As for their "crabbiness" again...good god, you're darn lucky you've never known suffering to this degree. If you think it's easy to maintain a happy attitude all the while being forced out of everyday life and being healthy and productive like everyone else...you're wrong.

 

It's massively difficult to go on with that kind of suffering months, or even years and not have a whole lot of anxiety or depression, which is reflected in their "attitude".

 

My mother looked after many disabled people for 40 years. Her attitude was, they can't, and I can. She helped with a kind heart and understanding. She knew at the end of the work day she could walk out of there, go for a long walk, take a vacation to clear her mind, etc.

 

Those people would never be able to leave that place or do any of it ever again.

 

You're a very angry person, Cheryl and it's far from healthy or okay.

[Seraphim]

I hate my MIL too. What of it? She is a nasty cow.

[SherrySher]

Seraphim...we are talking about disabled people, not MIL's.

[Seraphim]

My mother in law is also currently disabled. So is my FIL , so is my mom and my dad , so is my son and I am sometimes disabled due to pain from my arthritis.

 

Cheryln isn’t against disabled people . She made that clear her attitude is about her MIL not the disabled. You are beating a dead horse.

w

Seraphim...we are talking about disabled people, not MIL's.

[SherrySher]

She is giving the wrong advice then IMO when it comes to this thread. This thread is about disabled people, not people who are difficult to get along with.

 

 

No need to criticize, this is an open forum where anyone can have their say. I am sure your posts aren't always what people want to read or hear about, Seraphim but you're allowed to write what you want, just the same.

 

I can too.

 

Her comments were hateful and not warranted in my opinion. If you don't like your MIL's then write a post about hating your MIL's not about hating disabled people.

 

It's two different issues.

[Seraphim]

Well, to it was clear she is not hating on the disabled. I too gave the advice to walk away if it was not something he felt he could do.

 

You can have an opinion, yes, but to continually jump all over someone and tell them they’re horrible, no .

[Cherylyn]

Sher, you're still off topic. OP said he feels like a bored caregiver instead of her boyfriend. She doesn't want to do things, she's too tired and has since worsened. OP said he can't take much more of this boring state so I suggested that he make a decision then. Better to decline tending to her now than make a commitment for caregiver duties and then quit on her later which is "heartless and cruel."

 

People can still have compassion from afar. I've already gone above and beyond by racing home cooked meals, side dishes and desserts to my in-laws doorstep for many years which is not nearby btw. No one else stepped up to menu plan, grocery shop, clean, pack food and haul all of it across super long freeways. That right there is a heck of a lot of my time, labor, money, gas and wear 'n tear on my car in addition to my full time job and taking care of my own immediate family and household. Is that so "cruel and heartless?" My in-laws beg to differ. There are some relatives and friends who could've helped yet they do not.

 

I've since drastically scaled back due to lack of gratitude and appreciation. Some disabled people (not all) have a sense of entitlement, take advantage of other people's goodwill and the person doing all the giving starts to feel truly taken for granted. I still help, however, I need space as do my men (husband and sons). My men did home repairs, landscaping, gardening and we all took care of errands for the in-laws.

 

Sher, unfortunately, the reality here is many caregivers BURN OUT.

 

My mother is slowing down yet I help her, however, not as much since my brother resides closer to her house.

 

OP ~ Guy94uk wrote:

 

Hi all,

 

I’ve been in a relationship for 1 year and 3/4’s for most of it has been good, we’ve both been happy. I’m 24 and she’s 23. However she has a arthritis condition (I knew this from the start) and has developed worse over the course of us seeing each other.

 

She has become more and more tired, not wanting to do things and what feels like every free second I have wanting to spend time with me but we don’t really do a lot and it’s getting very boring. I offer suggestions of what to do whilst we’re around each other and it either gets shrugged off or she’s too tired. I do have feelings for her and my mind says stay but I do feel that I’m becoming more of a Care’er than a boyfriend.

 

I would feel awful if I did leave her as she has lost a lot of confidence since the increase of arthritis as it’s been a long time since she’s felt well. Nothing extreme but it is a hard day to day disease and she has said that other people in the past have left her because she’s ‘too much’. I don’t want to let her down like that as in the beginning we clicked so much and it was great however I just don’t think I can take much more of this boring state.

 

Help?

[Cherylyn]

Well, to it was clear she is not hating on the disabled. I too gave the advice to walk away if it was not something he felt he could do.

 

You can have an opinion, yes, but to continually jump all over someone and tell them they’re horrible, no .

 

~Seraphim~ You're a great, very decent lady.

[SherrySher]

She's only great to you because she's agreeing with you but that doesn't make either of you correct.

 

I still stand by what I said...your post was hateful and not at all needed when giving advice to OP.

 

You could have made your point with far more empathy and kindness. End of.

[boltnrun]

Guys, the OP hasn't been back for a while. I don't feel any of this is helping him.

[SherrySher]

Recalling Dana and Chris Reeve, reading her book and seeing them both and then after his death, just her in interviews, she felt no anger or bitterness towards Chis after his accident, in fact the opposite, the challenges it presented tested their love, enhanced it and ultimately brought them closer.

 

What you describe re your in-laws is not how it is for everyone caring for a disabled person, and to the OP, you should be aware of that too, not just the negative aspects.

 

Thanks for chiming in, Kat, you've made some wonderful points. I, too have seen the same, some couples became closer.

 

It certainly doesn't need to be all doom and gloom with disabled people and relationships. There really are many cases in which the couple became closer.

 

It's a matter of acceptance, understanding and great love.

 

I don't believe that it always turns out to be a bad thing like others have stated. In fact, I've seen many examples of happy couples where one is disabled.

 

It's always good to consider all sides but to realize too, that it can work with the right people. It's not always a failure.

[Cherylyn]

Sher, my posts are not hateful. Are you disabled? Is this why you're so emphatic and charged? Are you a caregiver? Do you have family and friends who are disabled, wheelchair bound, invalids, housebound, shut ins? Where is YOUR venom coming from and what is wrong with YOU?

 

You have absolutely no clue how I already help the disabled and you're so far gone from the OP, Guy94uk 's original plea for help here.

 

Most of us here, advised him NOT to commit to caregiver duties since he's already stated that he feels like a bored caregiver instead of her boyfriend. What part of that don't you get?

 

I am plenty kind and empathetic. I bet you don't visit local nursing homes every week to give free manicures for the disabled and elderly. WELL, I DO. People such as myself help the disabled in other ways and not necessarily provide 24 / 7 disabled care around-the-clock. Is that considered "cruel and heartless," too? Apparently, in your language it is.

[SherrySher]

I agree Bolt, which is why I am not reading anymore replies or continuing on this thread.

 

Cheers.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely there are examples. My husband stays with me through two neurological disorders, arthritis ,PTSD ,Ehlers-Danlos ,IBS, Panic disorder and anxiety .

 

Our son has a developmental disorder, my husband as well just a different one.

 

And we are all devoted to each other . Doesn’t mean everybody is meant to do that .