Jump to content

Do I keep going or shall I end it?


Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

I’ve been in a relationship for 1 year and 3/4’s for most of it has been good, we’ve both been happy. I’m 24 and she’s 23. However she has a arthritis condition (I knew this from the start) and has developed worse over the course of us seeing each other.

 

She has become more and more tired, not wanting to do things and what feels like every free second I have wanting to spend time with me but we don’t really do a lot and it’s getting very boring. I offer suggestions of what to do whilst we’re around each other and it either gets shrugged off or she’s too tired. I do have feelings for her and my mind says stay but I do feel that I’m becoming more of a Care’er than a boyfriend.

 

I would feel awful if I did leave her as she has lost a lot of confidence since the increase of arthritis as it’s been a long time since she’s felt well. Nothing extreme but it is a hard day to day disease and she has said that other people in the past have left her because she’s ‘too much’. I don’t want to let her down like that as in the beginning we clicked so much and it was great however I just don’t think I can take much more of this boring state.

 

 

Help?

Edited by Guy94uk
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 50
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Difficult situation.

 

If you “don’t want to let her down like that” then you’ll have to find a way to adjust...otherwise you probably eventually will.

 

Many couples become very co-dependant and insular within a relationship regardless of an illness. Do you have much of a life outside of the relationship...? Does she?

 

Does she herself do all she can to treat the illness...?

 

Carus*

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you don't have any good options. If she is this ill at this young age, it's unlikely going to improve. That is my amateur prognosis.

 

If you were together for fifty years then staying out of love and devotion would seem reasonable. You're not in that position. And it seems staying out of a sense of pity will do neither of you any good in the long run. This poor woman's condition is heartbreaking. I can understand and empathize how difficult a decision this is. Make it soon.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't do what my father did, bailed after 3 kids and 15 years of marriage because he didn't like having a wife who was ill. If a chronically ill partner is not what you want, bow out now.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Exactly. It is cruel to stick around till you are in too deep. I have several severe pain conditions including arthritis. Days and nights can be hell. I was not like this years ago. But my husband and I married for better or worse, good health or bad.

Don't do what my father did, bailed after 3 kids and 15 years of marriage because he didn't like having a wife who was ill. If a chronically ill partner is not what you want, bow out now.
Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to be very, very honest with her. Tell her how you feel. If you simply break up with her, she will be more hurt than if you actually talk to her about it and try to work on things. You are not a bad person for feeling this way. You are in a tough spot. The thing about arthritis is, though, that it will probably continue to get worse. NOW is the time to address things!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Everything and what the others have said already.

 

Also, it seems like you do still care for her. It's just a lot to deal with at your age. Make peace and come to terms with what you can and can't handle right now. You said nothing about yourself and your own commitments or how it affects your relationships and work/school. My husband was in a caregiving role for many, many years with his ex-wife until she left him due to depression and dependence on drugs. All this will come back to you and affect you over a long period of time. There are things about him that might have been vastly different if their lives were different back then. I understand acutely the toll it had on him and his health and how it affected his goals and desires in the early part of his life. Be kind to each other and acknowledge your limits. There's no right or wrong here. Just do what's best for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Exit nicely now.

 

My MIL (mother-in-law) has always been sickly ever since her wedding day. She's a real drag to my dutiful FIL (father-in-law) who always has to tend to her numerous ailments and act as his wife's nursemaid. She's such a drag that it impacts everything such as plans for outings, spontaneous family related activities, she's not productive nor industrious due to lack of energy, chronic fatigue, aches 'n pains galore. All she wants to do is dine at restaurants, socialize and eat. BORING!!!!! :upset: She can't do anything like a normal, healthy able bodied person so excursions or outings are impossible. She has extreme dietary restrictions which makes it a major hassle to home entertain. She complains and whines about her physical limitations and always looking to extract sympathy and assistance from others. She's a pain in the neck. My and many family members' sympathy card ran out years ago. She can't even bend down to tie her shoelaces; someone always has to do it for her. It's to the point where we deliberately limit getting together with my in-laws because MIL is so high maintenance.

 

Just know what you're in for and get a reality check.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a difference between being unable to do stuff versus being unwilling. If you are emotionally invested enough in GF for an attempt to find a compromise, I'd discuss your concerns and explore whether she's willing to step up to socialize and do more interesting things with you. Listen to how she responds to this and you'll be able to learn whether she gets defensive and fights you on this, whether she'll humor you by making the right noises while failing to back those up when it comes time for action, or whether she'll actually wake up to the fact that you're too young to put your life on hold to cater to someone who's too enmeshed in keeping her world very small and who expects you to reduce yours as well.

 

One of the ways she can compromise is to agree that she will join you in doing stuff with others, and should she find herself unable to do so on a given day, she bows out while you continue on with your plans. Another way she can compromise is to accept that while you want to remain in her life, you'll also want to pursue activities on your own that are natural for a healthy person to engage. Another way she can help to resolve this is to begin participating more in plans you make whenever she is able.

 

If you get resistance from GF on any of these compromises, then she's not being victimized by people who abandon her--she's responsible for her own expectations that others squelch their own lives, and that's not a good foundation for ANY relationship. In that case, you'd be well within your rights to skip guilt and move forward.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Exit nicely now.

 

My MIL (mother-in-law) has always been sickly ever since her wedding day. She's a real drag to my dutiful FIL (father-in-law) who always has to tend to her numerous ailments and act as his wife's nursemaid. She's such a drag that it impacts everything such as plans for outings, spontaneous family related activities, she's not productive nor industrious due to lack of energy, chronic fatigue, aches 'n pains galore. All she wants to do is dine at restaurants, socialize and eat. BORING!!!!! :upset: She can't do anything like a normal, healthy able bodied person so excursions or outings are impossible. She has extreme dietary restrictions which makes it a major hassle to home entertain. She complains and whines about her physical limitations and always looking to extract sympathy and assistance from others. She's a pain in the neck. My and many family members' sympathy card ran out years ago. She can't even bend down to tie her shoelaces; someone always has to do it for her. It's to the point where we deliberately limit getting together with my in-laws because MIL is so high maintenance.

 

Just know what you're in for and get a reality check.

 

This is so heartless and cruel.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
This is so heartless and cruel.

 

No, it's not. What's heartless and cruel is being immersed into a relationship and feeling bitter and resentful AFTERWARDS. For example, getting married, having to constantly tend to a sick person and unable to have a life because of it.

 

What's heartless and cruel is being a burden onto others and impacting your life against your will. What's heartless and cruel is forcing others to become your primary caretaker, nursemaid, maid, butler, housekeeper, chauffeur and provide around-the-clock care. You can't have a life if you have to tend to a sickly person your whole life. I think that right there is selfish if you're the sick one and going into a relationship with caregiving expectations. I was answering the OP regardless of what my answer sounds like. I'm not going to sugar coat what caregiving is.

 

When someone has debilitating illness and / or serious autoimmune disorders especially as they age, it's about the caregiver having to do all the dirty work. I'll spare you the details. Usually, the caregiver is unpaid, a spouse or family member. Not everyone can afford professional caregiving which is very expensive.

 

I get the fact that once a person gets sick, there is a moral obligation and duty to care for the sick person such as a spouse. The OP knows this woman is sick from the very beginning of the relationship prior to signing up for a long term commitment or marriage. She will need more time-consuming, laborious care as she ages which is a fac and cannot be ignored. This OP has a choice and I'm merely telling the OP what his commitment will be if he knows what he signs up for ~ in advance. This is a heads up reality check.

 

It's better to be realistic and know how a sick person will greatly impact your life for decades to come. This is not a common cold nor ear infection. Certain ailments are not temporary. It's life long and gets worse with age.

 

It's more cruel and heartless to give up on a sick person later and walk away especially after marriage instead of HONESTLY telling a sick person that you will feel overwhelmed with caregiving duties from the get go. Look at the big picture and compare. It's better to know early than later regarding opinions and choices. Leaving relationships because it's too much work is more cruel and heartless IMHO. Better to know now than later.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're forgetting a few things, Cheryl.

 

1.) Your FIL knew about her condition and he still chose to marry her. HIS choice. HIS life. The onus is on him now. And truthfully, it's none of your business. Its their marriage and no one else's.

 

2.) Secondly, this woman has absolutely no control over her health or her body. You say she's difficult to be around? Well geez whiz, I imagine a life debilitating disease that takes any kind of normality out of a person's life, might actually turn someone into having massive depression and upset on a constant basis.

What's your solution? Should she just off herself then? There is no cure is there? And you have NO RIGHT to judge how someone's mental state is if you've not lived it nor do you have a right to judge someone being sick like this when IT ISN'T A CHOICE!!!!!!!

 

You have absolutely zero empathy and I hope to god you never find yourself in this ladies position and are treated the way you are treating her or thinking about her.

 

Make sure you never work around disabled people. You'll be resenting them and hating on them for things they have no control over.

 

I, thank god there are people still in this world that understand and care and still love disabled people and still accept them and don't see it as a burden.

Not everyone sees it like you do. Not everyone views it as a prison sentence or that they are broken and a pain to deal with.

 

This world really would be hell if all thought the same as you do.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're forgetting a few things Sher.

 

1) I gave MIL / FIL's condition as an example of how taxing it is to be in caregiver mode. It is indeed very much my business because the entire family; that's relatives and in-laws are involved to pick up the slack. You don't have a clue of their business and how everyone has to rally together which means suddenly dropping everything and having to make the long drive to come to her relentless rescue.

 

2) I have every RIGHT to judge as the OP is the one who posted and asked for opinions.

 

Keep in mind the following by the OP:

 

Her conditioned has worsened. She's not getting any better. She's more tired, doesn't want to do things. OP is bored. OP feels more of a caregiver than a boyfriend. OP is the one who can't take much more of this boring state.

 

Yes, the disabled are a burden when those around the disabled must cater to them constantly at the expense of having a life of their own. It's extremely time-consuming and laborious; often back breaking work with a lot of heavy lifting of heavy adult bodies. It's like taking care of an adult baby all over again.

 

Since the OP has a choice right now, it's better to be the bearer of bad news now than commit to a long term relationship or marriage, sorely regret it and bail out later. Unfortunately, this happens when caregivers realize they're in over their heads. It's better NOT to make promises you can't keep and remain realistic.

 

In a perfect world, everyone will drop their lives and provide around-the-clock caregiver duties, however, people have lives such as full time jobs, young children to raise, a household to run, errands, chores, family activities and the frenetic pace of surviving day to day.

 

I have a cousin who married a guy with MS. She knew about his MS before they married, was quite ignorant about this serious autoimmune disorder and scoffed it off. I tried to forewarn her to no avail. She didn't listen. At first, he thrived and when he was younger with MS, life was pretty good as a married couple. Now that her husband is older, life is increasingly very, very difficult mentally and physically with the ravages of advanced MS ~ Multiple Sclerosis. She has to work full time as the sole breadwinner because he can longer bring home the bacon. He sleeps all day. She can't afford a caregiver for him because they're very expensive. There are 2 children to raise. She made her bed and now she must lie in it. I tried to tell her and now she has to live with the "I told you so" memory. She asks neighbors and friends to help yet they're very busy with their own lives. She is burning the candle at both ends and can barely keep her mental state together due to extreme stress. Where is the empathy for her?

 

It's better to make a decision now than set yourself up for disaster later. It's worse to commit now and then realize you're over burdened and miserable.

 

I could sugar coat this by saying, "Go all out, give up your life and cater to a person's caregiver needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." However, I will not because the OP has a choice and decision to make. OP will base his decisions on REALITY and will think how his decisions will impact him for many, many, many years to come.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know what? I'm not even going to waste my time reading. I got barely a quarter ways through, saw you had written that the disabled were a burden and stopped.

 

You've got a very hateful heart. I pray for your mother in law.

 

And no, it's not your business. The only fair thing in life would be if you one day ended up in her shoes. KARMA.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...