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Thread: Why will my ex not give me peace even after blocking end ending it?

  1. #21
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    Question for you Chloe no need to answer to us.

    IF your only motive was posting pics of the beautiful locale you were visiting, why include the other guy in those photos?

    Why would this be necessary, again assumimg your only motive was posting pics of the beautiful place you were at?

    I am sorry, I simply refuse to believe that you could be so self-absorbed, living in your own little world, oblivious to the feelings of others, that it would never even occur to you how seeing those photos would cause your ex to feel causing a reaction from him.

    Which in his case, was all ego.

    You seem like a lovely person. I just don't see you as being that unempathetic and self-centered.

    Hurt? Yes.

    Hoping to stir some jealousy? Yes.

    Hoping for a reaction? Yes.

    All human under the circumstances.

    But not no self-centered that it would never even occur to you how he would feel.

    I could be wrong.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-21-2019 at 12:48 PM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    People who use Instagram "A LOT" are very aware of the power of Instagram. They know when a landscape is a landscape, and when it might be something else: bragging, projecting, attempting to tell a "story" that is the opposite of the real story, or take a sideways jab at someone. They know that there is a direct correlation between, say, feeling lonely and unattractive and posting a photo in which they look very attractive. They're also aware of how even harmless posts can be interpreted as such, which is to say they're aware when a harmless post is not actually harmless.

    Want to go on a little trip with a friend while you're healing? Cool. Heck, want to have a little fling, if that was the case? Equally cool. But it's worth asking yourself: what is gained by documenting it? Genuine pleasure or genuine drama that negates the pleasure? A genuine feeling of peace and letting go, or an illusion that is actually much more like holding on? Does the posting of it enhance the healing or detract from it?

    I think if you—and this goes for him, too—really asked yourself what you find so frustrating about the other you'd see that, in each other, you have found a mirror to qualities in yourself that you don't much like. Big, fragile, hungry, egos. Petty, superficial streaks. A desire for power and attention that makes being seen as genuine a challenge. An inability to take the feelings of another person into account when you're feeling something.

    That's all human stuff—no judgement. But is it the stuff we want to cultivate or the stuff we want to corral?

    You've both spent an extraordinary amount of time using social media as a gauge for things. You've been upset when he went away and posted pics of partying with women. You've checked to see who is following him, who he's following. And he's done the same, pounding his chest and calling you names. This is just more of the same. This is how you two "connect." That your friends, and his friends, participate in the drama leads me to think this is how a lot of people you know connect, where they find value.

    There are other ways of being. Explore some of those other ways and you may find yourself connecting to a different sort of person, and being less thrown by these sorts of connections, be they platonic or romantic.

  3. #23
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    Well said by blue, sort of echoes what I said but better articulated. And adding more relevant points..

    Hope you are able to heed the advice Chloe, learn from it and move on once and for all.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-21-2019 at 01:27 PM.

  4. #24
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    What BC wrote reminds me of an exchange I had with a friend - her mother is basically toxic but she doesn't want her to be cut off from her grandson. Her mother posts snarky comments on Facebook for example so I said simply block her from Facebook and interact with her in other ways. The response "but that's the only way she gets to see pictures of [her grandson]". I responded - I don't post any photos of my son (my mother is not on Facebook though -but my sister and other family are). I email them and text them and even have them printed and sent to her local drugstore where she can pick them up - how about doing that? No response. And I'm not surprised because she wants to hold on to her illusion that she "needs" to post photos of her son and that there's no other way to share photos with family members. By analogy people really seem to forget that there's a life outside of sharing photos and how sharing photos often has negative effects on everyone including the sharer.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    What BC wrote reminds me of an exchange I had with a friend - her mother is basically toxic but she doesn't want her to be cut off from her grandson. Her mother posts snarky comments on Facebook for example so I said simply block her from Facebook and interact with her in other ways. The response "but that's the only way she gets to see pictures of [her grandson]". I responded - I don't post any photos of my son (my mother is not on Facebook though -but my sister and other family are). I email them and text them and even have them printed and sent to her local drugstore where she can pick them up - how about doing that? No response. And I'm not surprised because she wants to hold on to her illusion that she "needs" to post photos of her son and that there's no other way to share photos with family members. By analogy people really seem to forget that there's a life outside of sharing photos and how sharing photos often has negative effects on everyone including the sharer.
    One of my friends divorced her husband because he was having multiple affairs. She would frequently message me about the things she saw on his social media. I advised her to "unfriend" and block him. She told me she "couldn't" because they needed to co-parent. What, so before social media was invented it was impossible for divorced parents to co-parent? The real reason was she wanted to be able to snoop on his social media to see who he was dating. She would even screen shot posts he made and send them to me with a "can you believe he's doing this???!!!" comments. Finally she took my advice (and other friends had told her the same thing) and she's much more at peace.

    It is not a requirement to post everything you do on social media. That whole "pics with 'likes' or it didn't happen" mindset is a fallacy.

  7. #26
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    Good points by bolt and Batya, but worthy of note is that her ex did not discover this info by searching her social media himself; this info was told to him second hand.

    Which is no doubt what OP intended, whether she wishes to acknowledge or take ownership of it or not.

    And we don't even know if he would have searched had he been able to.

    I'm sure she would like to think he would, as in her mind it would reflect he "cares" which is a false narrative she tells herself to ease the hurt and keep this dysfunctional connection and drama alive.

    Again Chloe, the ability to be honest and real with yourself are so important to your healing, I cannot stress this enough.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chloej123
    Thanks for all the responses. While I do completely agree my friends shouldn’t have told me, they feel obliged to also as they were unsure of the most recent updates in this situation.
    That's fine and dandy, now let them know in no uncertain terms that they needn't feel "obligated" to tell you about what he's doing or saying and that you don't want to know. Are you brave enough to do that, to go really and totally ZERO contact?

    Some of us live quite far from each other and I don’t speak to them everyday, so they told me as I had not updated them on me blocking him etc.
    Do as mentioned above. There is no excuse to not to if you actually want to get over him and to the stage of indifference to him.

    I guess I did some thinking and while I am completely done, I just feel slightly bad for posting the Instagram stories now. This is because I was imagining how I’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If I saw him posting pics and videos of being away with another girl this soon after, I would feel so so angry and conflicted. Purely because I would be like so how do you move on that fast!?
    This is why you need a respite from social media. You do not have to be looking at other peoples lives nor do the NEED to be looking at yours and what you're doing 24/7. This social media addiction so many people have now is disturbing the well being of too many people. Rehab from your addiction to it and get clean of the superficiality of it.

    Why am I feeling bad, is this normal!?
    It's normal for those who are addicted to social media and have an actual NEED to view the goings on of people that are no longer actually in our lives. It's normal and it's stagnating people from moving on with their lives and from getting to the stage of indifference to people that we should no longer be clinging to in any way.

    I know I am healing still, but I don’t understand this weird feeling of now feeling bad for seemingly moving on too quick.
    Your guilt is unnecessary and misplaced. You owe him nothing and you should just live your life sans the need to broadcast to ANYONE your life. We all got along just fine without social media and a need to post our every waking moment/activity and the very epitome (IMO) of attention seeking... what we are about to eat. Who really gives a ****? So stop it already.


    Zero contact will get you to a point where you don't care about him or what he is doing. Unfortunately, zero contact means no social media contact as well as any other form of contact.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Chloe, nobody's disrupting your peace but you. It's within your ability to ask friends not to discuss the guy. If peace if really what you want, be more private with your own posts and enjOy the peace.

  10. #29
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    I mentioned in the first thread that I blocked him on every platform Katrina. He tried contacting me, so contacted my best friend of 11 years as that is now the only access he has to me in any way. His friends I still had on Instagram saw what I posted, which actually had NO guy included in the pictures, he just presumed. And then went off on my friend about me as he is blocked etc.

  11. #30
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    I do agree we could be similar in that sense. His ego is far greater than mine, but I would be lying if I said at times I let pride and my ego also get the better of me.

    I thought I was going in the right direction in terms of the social media thing, by blocking him. Obviously he reached out to my friend so I will have to keep a lower profile, though I also feel I shouldn’t have to as we aren’t together now and I have nobody to answer to

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