How soon is too soon to date?

Been online chatting to and meeting a few guys to see if anything clicks.

I just got chatting to another guy who I exchanged numbers with. I asked how long he has been single and how long his last relationship was. He’s been single 9 months after a 5 year relationship. My initial reaction was that he’s likely not in a place to date after so little time to process the breakup fully, heal and move on. I’m not convinced I should bother to go further in light of this, particularly since he said he is looking for “friendship hopefully more”. Likely he is wanting to fill the void for a little while. Thoughts?

Might want to pass on that one. Unless you're happy just being friends for a long time.

I wouldn’t if you are looking to date someone who believes that dating helps develop a friendship. He sees it as separate. If you’re looking to make friends through a dating site then sure go for it. I was more than ready to date a few months out of a long term relationship and my husband was ready even sooner (although I think they were only together one year ). Marriage and divorce are different though. Sounds like he wasn’t married and sounds like he’s not ready to pursue a potentially serious relationship.

I would pass on him.

Are you sure its not too soon for you to be dating?

Based on your posts you seem to be smack dab in the middle of a self discovery phase which is awesome, but combining that with changing careers (whats up with this trend?) is this really the best time for you?

Honest question.'

Oh, also vote pass.

I’d pass on him, too. With an answer like that, he’s either unsure of what he wants, isn’t ready for a relationship, or both. You’d be wasting your time if you’re looking for something more serious.

Was he the dumper or the dumpee? If he was the dumper, he's probably ready to move on. If he was the dumpee, you might be the rebound.

Are you just looking for friends? I would think people who are dating are looking for a relationship. You can join an activity group if you're only looking for friends.

Why not meet and find out? Some people are done and over it much sooner than others so rigid formulaic time frames. (ie Must be a year or must be x mos for every year blah blah) are often extremely inaccurate when it comes to matters of the heart. If it were a mo. ago then yeah he simply hopped on dating apps to get busy.

The best determination is your own common sense. For example if you meet and he talks about his ex or goes on and on about his relationship, then you rule that person out whether they broke up 3 mos ago or 3 years ago.

If you play an overly defensive game, you could rule just about anyone out. It's a cup of coffee and a bit of chatting in person.

Dating involves some in-person real footwork, not everything can be determined through online chats, pointed questions and semantics. What if he did the "ideal healing time" but was an unattractive oaf in person?

I asked how long he has been single and how long his last relationship was. He’s been single 9 months after a 5 year relationship. My initial reaction was that he’s likely not in a place to date after so little time to process the breakup fully, heal and move on.

Nine months is a nice chunk of time, but it's hard to say if it's enough time. Plus there are always rebounds or "testers" first. It seems like he's just dipping his toes into pond to see how it goes. If you go out with him, expect it will just be temporary. If you're looking for something long term and serious, I think someone who has gone out with a few women first would be a better choice...lets him work out some of that baggage. Probably a little bit more time since the breakup wouldn't hurt.

Everyone is different. I agree 9 months is a good amount of time. You can still go out on a date and see....you are not obligated to commit, so it's no big deal....it's a night out so what the hell eh.

I posted a general question asking about the sort of topic.

Here is the thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555727

Might help to see others views and even mine.

Personally you are not sure what his relationship was. If it fizzled out and was a mutual end.

I think it depends on the person. It's hard to guage it.

The example I used in my thread. They were in a 5yr relationship. Wasn't single for long and ended up in a very happy LTR with a beautiful baby.

You really can't guess.

But where this guy has said the whole friend thing. I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket and still date others. Maybe keep him as a friend.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thanks for the replies, I think the looking for friends comment is what put me off more than the timeframe. I am looking for friends but would prefer to make female friends who live in my town or close by. I wouldn’t be interested in him other than to date as he’s an hours drive away.

I didn’t respond to his last message last night “me too” when I said I was looking for dating that would hopefully go somewhere serious. He messaged me again today “Hi”. My gut is telling me he’s not serious about dating and is just looking to pass the time. Will arrange a phone call and see if that confirms my suspicions.

Yes that statement of his is the massive red flag!

I think I've said it a couple of times to guys I was not interested to let them down gently. This was when I was much younger. That's a cruel way to do it and now I'm incredibly straight with them.

So could be a case he likes you but not romatically.

Although it's a bit odd him saying that before you've even met.

I would say get is a big No No for now!

Nobody dates to find friends. I'd ask him if he believes that it's too soon after his last breakup to view himself as long term relationship material. If he's not clear about that, then I'd skip him with an invitation to contact you if he ever decides that he's dating to find a committed relationship.

In other words, passing doesn't mean you can't leave your future door open a crack.

Yes that statement of his is the massive red flag!

 

I think I've said it a couple of times to guys I was not interested to let them down gently. This was when I was much younger. That's a cruel way to do it and now I'm incredibly straight with them.

 

So could be a case he likes you but not romatically.

 

Although it's a bit odd him saying that before you've even met.

 

I would say get is a big No No for now!

Yeah, I’ve been given that line about looking for friends and see what happens a few times, I always assumed it meant, “ I’m not sure you’re relationship material but I’m open to causal sex with you so I’m going to leave things ambiguous “ it’s always been a hard pass for me. Then again if I was say in my early 20’s or just floundering about I probably wouldn’t mind a guy with that mindset.

Why bother? Too far and his responses/texts are lame at best.

-he’s an hours drive away.

-his last message last night “me too”.

-He messaged me again today “Hi”.

"... I’m open to causal sex with you so I’m going to leave things ambiguous “ it’s always been a hard pass for me. Then again if I was say in my early 20’s or just floundering about I probably wouldn’t mind a guy with that mindset.

Yep. At some point I grew out of seeing ambiguity as some kind of ego catnip that said, "I'll bet I can manipulate him into wanting that with me..."

It's not just a sign of maturity to pass on that empty stuff, it's liberating. Either you've grown into confidence in your own value and the value you place on your time, or you'll keep taking the bait. And then you can keep reinforcing any stories you tell yourself about your bad luck or the shifty motives of 'all men'. That's crap. It's just a failure to adopt different behavior in order to get different results.

...his last message last night “me too” when I said I was looking for dating that would hopefully go somewhere serious. He messaged me again today “Hi”.

Riveting. He sounds like a real charmer.

Not sure if this is maybe just me but as a guy, I find it a big turn-off if, before I've met a woman, she quizzes me about my relationship history and my intentions etc.

This isn't to say I've got bad intentions or that I'm just looking to muck around (I love being in a relationship with the right person, it beats being single all day long). But I always feel that a first date should just be about going out and having a great time. I just think go with the flow, have a blast, enjoy the date regardless of whether it's successful or not.

But being quizzed about my intentions before I've even met someone just feels like too serious too soon. I also hate having the feeling that I'm being treated with suspicion!

I'm not saying that this means this particular guy is right for you by the way - I'm talking in general terms. Interested to see if anyone else on here feels the same about these sorts of questions pre-1st date, or if it really is just me that dislikes them!

Not sure if this is maybe just me but as a guy, I find it a big turn-off if, before I've met a woman, she quizzes me about my relationship history and my intentions etc.

This isn't to say I've got bad intentions or that I'm just looking to muck around (I love being in a relationship with the right person, it beats being single all day long). But I always feel that a first date should just be about going out and having a great time. I just think go with the flow, have a blast, enjoy the date regardless of whether it's successful or not.

But being quizzed about my intentions before I've even met someone just feels like too serious too soon. I also hate having the feeling that I'm being treated with suspicion!

 

I'm not saying that this means this particular guy is right for you by the way - I'm talking in general terms. Interested to see if anyone else on here feels the same about these sorts of questions pre-1st date, or if it really is just me that dislikes them!

I think for anyone who doesn’t want to waste any time and knows what they’re looking for, they’re pretty basic questions to ask someone (or answer) prior to meeting (i.e. - intentions, when their last relationship was, etc.).

I don’t mind them at all. These questions can help filter out people who might not be looking for the same things as me, and vice-versa. They also help prevent any rebounding and can assist in weeding out people who are still technically married yet separated.

A lot of people are limited for time these days, so the last thing I want to do is show up for a first meet only to find out someone is looking for casual sex and fresh out of a 3 year relationship, or separated. And obviously the person looking for casual wouldn’t want to waste time meeting me either since casual isn’t what I’m into. Would be a waste of time for all involved to meet. No thanks.

To be blunt I’m too busy for that crap. I don’t have time to go on date after date, wasting time and money on men that are only looking for fun, or want to have kids, or are going to use me as an emotional crutch until they mend and move on. It’s hardly an interrogation to ask someone how long they have been single and why they are dating amongst the numerous other questions you can ask to get to know someone. I’d say they are pretty standard questions along with where are you from? what’s your job? what do you do for fun?

I’ve actually learnt these tactics from men asking me the questions, it’s hardly a woman only trait. I saw it as them taking an interest in me and bothering to establish if we were compatible enough to justify meeting. I am probably the opposite to you in the sense that I can’t stand the meaningless small talk messages or people that waffle on and on. Get to the point man! 😂

I think for anyone who doesn’t want to waste any time and knows what they’re looking for, they’re pretty basic questions to ask someone (or answer) prior to meeting (i.e. - intentions, when their last relationship was, etc.).

 

I don’t mind them at all. These questions can help filter out people who might not be looking for the same things as me, and vice-versa. They also help prevent any rebounding and can assist in weeding out people who are still technically married yet separated.

 

A lot of people are limited for time these days, so the last thing I want to do is show up for a first meet only to find out someone is looking for casual sex and fresh out of a 3 year relationship, or separated. And obviously the person looking for casual wouldn’t want to waste time meeting me either since casual isn’t what I’m into. Would be a waste of time for all involved to meet. No thanks.

Exactly! You could date someone for 6 months and get dumped because you didn’t bother to find out they were 2 months out of a 5 year relationship when you met. Total waste of time and energy.

The 'wasting time' perspective I find quite interesting.

For me, I try to make a date something really fun that I'd enjoy doing whether it was a date or not (e.g. go and see a good band or go to a good comedy night or do something physical and active). So if I get there and it turns out my date has very different dating intentions to me, not a problem, I won't regard it as a waste of time because it's still been a really fun night.

I can see though, that if the activity for the date was something more routine (e.g. sit down and have a coffee or have a quiet drink in a pub), then I wouldn't enjoy the process so much and might then come away thinking 'that was a waste of time'.

Well I won’t bother with any guy just looking for friends again then, though he did message me and it states on his profile he’s looking for friendship leading to a relationship. He may be the type to really prefer to get to know someone well before getting involved but I would call that slow dating not friendship. He also hid his pics on there which is odd! Probs got a wife 😂

Anyway bored of him.

Spoke to another guy, more attentive and thorough in his responses. Said the same thing, wants friendship that will lead to a relationship. Turns out he has been single for 7 months and just got divorced! “Marital status -single” my behind! Just as well I’m asking these questions. The last guy I met was about 4” shorter than advertised. Why lie?

Not having much luck so far. Might get a date by 2030 🤣

The 'wasting time' perspective I find quite interesting.

 

For me, I try to make a date something really fun that I'd enjoy doing whether it was a date or not (e.g. go and see a good band or go to a good comedy night or do something physical and active). So if I get there and it turns out my date has very different dating intentions to me, not a problem, I won't regard it as a waste of time because it's still been a really fun night.

 

I can see though, that if the activity for the date was something more routine (e.g. sit down and have a coffee or have a quiet drink in a pub), then I wouldn't enjoy the process so much and might then come away thinking 'that was a waste of time'.

For me those type of dates would come later. You can’t get to know someone whilst watching a band/comedy act in a loud venue. I’d prefer to do those things with friends. Plus those activities are time consuming. It would be like a second job to have every first meet be so long. I always meet first for coffee to decide if we want to date each other. I typically try and call before deciding I want to meet them too. Easy to weed out those who you wouldn’t get on with via phone.

In an ideal world every person I met I’d have chemistry and attraction to, we’d go on first dates like snowboarding, surfing or quadding, grab food and share stories, laugh and flirt but in the real world I am lucky to find 2 hours to spare and the chemistry and attraction is severely lacking!