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Thread: Religious boyfriend and being gay

  1. #1

    Religious boyfriend and being gay

    I've been with my boyfriend for 2,5 years, and we've been living together for about 1,5 of those. Like every couple, we've had ups and downs, but by far this is the best guy I've ever been with, and I really saw my future with him.
    Today we watched a documentary together about straight camps and conversion therapy, and it's a subject that's touchy for him. He grew up in a very religious household, and coming out and coming to terms with his sexuality has not been an easy process for him.
    As a joke I asked him if he would remove his sexuality if he could, and he replied and he replied "who knows, could be". I pressed it again, and he repeated the same.

    Now, i admit I sometimes get too emotional, so I didn't really say much, but I admit now that this hurts me.
    I grew up non-religiously, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to fully relate to how he thinks or feels about the issue.
    The way I read his reply is basically being non-committal and not seeing a future in this relationship - if he did, he would have said no.
    I'm not sure what I'm even asking here - has anyone else has a similar experience? What should I do, if anything? I want him to know that I know that it's difficult for him, but it's also difficult for me.
    I guess I can't see a future where a cure for homosexuality is existing or legal, but it still bothers me.
    Am I being overdramatic?
    Sorry for the mess of a post, I just don't have the willpower right now to make myself come off clearer.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013

    I don't think you can take his reply to heart. For starters, you persisted in asking him this hypothetical question...you pushed him. For what it's worth, I don't think his answer has anything to do with you; I think it has more to do with his horrible experiences in coming out, his religious family, etc.

    I think you should look at this a bit more logically. Would he remove his sexuality if he could? Hm. Doesn't matter. He can't, and you know it. It's a situation that will never actually come up. He is who he is, and in your own words, he is the best guy you have ever been with. Please don't go trying to find problems. You asked him as a joke, remember. It's not fair to ask someone something in jest, and then hold a grudge for their answer.

    It's okay to say that you will never truly understand his point of view. It doesn't have to be an issue that comes between you. It's also okay to tell him, "Hey, when you said you would remove your sexuality if you could...that hurt me a little, even though I know you didn't want to hurt my feelings." After that though...after it's been discussed...I would honestly drop the subject. I think it would be much clearer if you just ask him if he sees a future with you, because otherwise I think it might be creating more problems. Good luck

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    I am a straight woman, but I will give my input.

    My brother was gay - died 7 years back - and I have many gay male friends. I had asked my brother and friends if they had chosen to be straight,would they be. They said yes, as life and society would have been easier on them. Please do not take this personally, and change your feelings towards your partner, unfortunately the world can be an ignorant and closed-minded place. i think that you need to talk this out with your partner to get a clearer understanding.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    To start, I am very biased against organized religion. I have experienced harmful effects of the homophobia that is justified by organized religion.

    I have known for most of my life that I am really happy to be a gay man. I do not wish I was straight.

    My husband of 20 plus years seems to be ok overall with the fact that he is gay even though he was raised in a very Catholic family.

    It has clearly ed with his head though regarding certain issues surrounding his sexuality.

    Occasionally the issue comes up and we argue about it and then it goes away.

    I feel bad for people who are screwed up over their sexuality because of religion but I do not excuse their responsibility to explore those issues and come to some kind of resolution at least within themselves.

    I think my husband is screwed up still over his homosexuality because of the Catholic Church but he denies it.

    That is the least of my problems with him though as you will see if you explore my profile.

    As far as people telling you to not make an issue of this, they just don't have enough experience with this type of situation to let you know that your concerns are valid.

    I will say again that I am very happy with the fact that I know where I like to put my .


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Differences in religion and attraction plague straight relationships as well. For example premarital sex, how to raise kids etc. So his being messed up may have many factors, but arguing religion, like arguing politics just goes in circles and becomes a pissing contest of whose beliefs, values etc are right or wrong. Why not focus on the fundamental issue he may be having regardless of where it comes from?

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