Man I'm Seeing Thinks I'm Unreasonable About Lap Dances

The man I am dating mentioned he likes to go to strip clubs, and one of his friend's wife works at one (as a clothed bartender, not a dancer) so they go sometimes to hang out with her while at work. I don't really mind all that, but he also says he sometimes gets lapdances, which I told him I'm not cool with if I'm in an exclusive, monogamous, relationship with someone.

I have no problem with strippers, but I am not OK with lapdances while in a relationship as a personal boundary, esp because i live in a state with REALLY lax laws about that kinda stuff so the strippers here are fully nude, and full contact--even touching--is allowed. And grinding is standard...I actually confirmed this with a close friend who is a stripper.

He then got really annoyed with me, and said "you should be fine with it because it's you I'm coming home to." And I said "OK well then I should be able to let men take me out to dinner if it's you I'm coming home to, too, right? Or I should be able to go grind with dudes at dance clubs, too?" The point to me is that it it's a boundary that I have and that instead of trying to understand that, he responds with it like I am somehow unreasonable.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all and the bigger red flag here isn't even the lap dances but his way of dismissing my feelings about it as unreasonable. What's more interesting about the whole thing is that he is less sexually experienced than I am (more of a serial monogamist, for example, and hasn't had as many partners and has a more strict view of casual sex when single).

Funnily enough, I asked my very open-minded stripper friend and while she said she doesn't get jealous about that kind of stuff, she personally would not be interested in dating somebody who was in a place in his life where that was something he went after.

He then got really annoyed with me, and said "you should be fine with it because it's you I'm coming home to." And I said "OK well then I should be able to let men take me out to dinner if it's you I'm coming home to, too, right? Or I should be able to go grind with dudes at dance clubs, too?" The point to me is that it it's a boundary that I have and that instead of trying to understand that, he responds with it like I am somehow unreasonable.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable at all and the bigger red flag here isn't even the lap dances but his way of dismissing my feelings about it as unreasonable.

I think this sums it up perfectly. Do you really want to continue dating a hypocrite?

How long have you two been together?

Personally, while I'm not a huge fan of strip clubs or, by extension, lap dances, I don't think they're objectively the worst thing in the world. But I do think setting a boundary of no physical interaction is perfectly reasonable. Fact is you know where he stands. I'm sure at this point you're probably not going to trust him going to a strip club without very possibly getting one. So what do you want to do about it? If you want him to come around and say, "You're absolutely right," I think you're in for big and longstanding disappointment.

Dismissing your feelings is indeed a red flag. Going for lap dances is another. Imo, a quality partner would not engage in either of these two behaviours while in a relationship.

He has his view of a good relationship and you have yours. If you express a boundary that is the opposite of his then why should either of you be "trying to understand" aka change who you are to suit the other?

The only red flag here is that you have expressed that you have a boundary but when he has told you his boundaries don't align with yours you stayed and expect him to accommodate you.

You are not compatible, game over. You can stop wasting time on this and find somebody who agrees this is inappropriate (or at worst is indifferent to it and therefore willing to forgo lapdancers for your comfort).

He has his view of a good relationship and you have yours. If you express a boundary that is the opposite of his then why should either of you be "trying to understand" aka change who you are to suit the other?

 

The only red flag here is that you have expressed that you have a boundary but when he has told you his boundaries don't align with yours you stayed and expect him to accommodate you.

 

You are not compatible, game over. You can stop wasting time on this and find somebody who agrees this is inappropriate (or at worst is indifferent to it and therefore willing to forgo lapdancers for your comfort).

Well said!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but you two are not compatible and neither of you has the right to demand that the other changes. He needs to be with someone who is fine with that and you need to find someone who is on the same page with you and is not fine with that and simply wouldn't do it. Plenty of fish in the sea, no reason to insist being with the wrong one. Your values do not align and without that, there can't be a healthy long term relationship.

You can have masses of physical attraction, interests in common and great chemistry - but without compatible values, the relationship just isn't going to work.

When he says should be fine with it because it's you I'm coming home to., that's a rationale that would justify him having affairs, visiting prostitutes, you name it... because you're the one who should feel honoured that this sleazeball will be sharing your bed overnight!

There's nothing wrong with him enjoying - legal - lap dances. He's perfectly entitled to do so. He ISN'T entitled to do so on your time, though. There's nothing unreasonable about not wanting a partner who wants lap dances, disrespects your boundaries and has zero respect for women - but that's what you've got, and he's very unlikely to change. Is this a relationship you really want to continue?

I think it's not a matter of "lap dances" being right or wrong or your concern and dislike being reasonable or not. The thing is that he likes lap dances and doesn't consider that your dislike about it is reasonable or acceptable. You're not going to change him on that regard nor is up to you to try to change him. You either accept that your boyfriend goes for lapdances and stay with him or you don't and leave this relationship. It's a matter of your boundaries and of accepting or not what you're viewing as red flags.

I'd find a higher quality guy to date. Do you really want to date the guy who is hanging out at a strip club as a regular and getting lap dances?

I am with you 100% - to me lapdances from strippers don't belong in a monogamous relationship. It doesn't matter whether she has been hired to do so, or if its a handsy friend with few boundaries.

If this is the guy from your thread (above) you barely know him after being together for a mere 3 weeks, and apparently have little invested in this. With that said, along with problems of this nature so early on, it shouldn't be a problem to simply walk away.

JMO...

I used to be ok with my ex going to Strip clubs as long as I went with him. We actually had a lot of fun going together the few times that we went during our relationship. But I will admit that when I accidently found out he went by him self during a trip once (found a tshirt he bought for himself at the club) I was turned off by it.

I think the fact that your guy doesn't respect your boundary is a red flag. You have every right to request no touching or lap dances . Since ive been to a couple of strip clubs, I will say that they definitely touch and they will do a lot more if you pay the price. No way.

Lose this creep! Certainly you can do better!

I also wonder why you are so comfortable with someone who hangs out in strip clubs on a regular basis? Blech!!!! He sounds quite limited.

Set you standards, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY higher!!!

You've only been dating this loser for three weeks!

You decide what is reasonable to you. He decides what is reasonable to him. You're both correct. If you don't agree, you don't agree. Simple as that.

You should be able to have the relationship dynamic you want. Your request is pretty simple and he choices to disregard it. Not the kind of guy I would think is a great match.

There is nothing inherently wrong with it though. My wife has gone with me to several. I have hosted many bachelor parties at one too. My wife has bought me lap dances although she is there for any I have had.

I am just saying there is no right or wrong here. There are just preferances.