Ex texts me to apologize for moving on

My ex left me 5 months ago after a 6 year run. I recently found out that while we were "on a break", in the midst of the break up process, she confessed her romantic interest to a co worker. Days later she finalized my dumpage. Now theyre together. No big deal. Past is the past.

I ran into her unexpectedly at the mechanic. We were polite. I asked her how her and the new guy (we'll call him Spineless) were doing. She didn't think I found out. Brief exchange and depart.

Yesterday she texted me " sorry if it hurt you to find out about me and Spineless, I know I moved on quickly, but it doesnt diminish what we had. Hope your well, take care"

I dont think I should respond to her guilt/pity text. I've been white knuckling it not to ask about Spineless' bad posture, and how it could be related to his backbone, or lack there of. I know Insulting her new flimsy boyfriend won't do me any good. But in my mind, I've chuckled, even hoped for the opportunity to cast a light on how she's punching so far below her weight. I didn't take the bait. I'm an a$$ hole, and if there's a high road, you better believe that's where I'll be. Despite my urge to Punch groins.

I think a rigid no contact policy is the strongest position to put yourself in, even if an ex tries to drudge up the past, and leaves an opening for discussion. I also believe by her contacting me, she delayed my healing a bit, but its a minor setback. Replying to her bogus claim of sorrow would only set me back further.

Ignore it it's nonsense, guilt and the "Im such a good person" crap.. Agree no contact is your strongest position.

Sorry I got a little queasy reading this text Miracle;6774764]Yesterday she texted me " sorry if it hurt you to find out about me and Spineless, I know I moved on quickly, but it doesnt diminish what we had. Hope your well, take care"

"I wouldn't worry about it if I were you as I've moved on myself long ago. No hard feelings and best wishes to you both." - is what I would text back to her. Her text is a bit too arrogant to ignore, imo. Like really she thinks you are just dying without her....straighten her out on that.

Agreed. She's just trying to ease her own guilt. Leave her hanging.

Just let it go it's much easier. Last thing I said to my ex after she told me she was seeing someone and asked if I was mad (nope enjoy) I do however feel bad about my cousin. Last thing I said to him before he passed. He asked if I farted? I said (yea we gotta get out of here.)

Agreed- NC is the way to go. It's good to accept you feel angry and stay with that. Feeling hurt is good for you. Lashing out won't make you feel better. It was a stupid move on her part and we can all see that.

Let it pass and good luck.

you said it...replying will only set you back. i think in any reply lies the hope of something from her. why else would you choose to say anything to someone who has completely moved on from you? to prove a point? why? what purpose would that serve?

you've already reasoned it out for yourself. keep focussed on your own journey.

courage on the path.

but really...Spineless was a nice touch.

"I wouldn't worry about it if I were you as I've moved on myself long ago. No hard feelings and best wishes to you both." - is what I would text back to her. Her text is a bit too arrogant to ignore, imo. Like really she thinks you are just dying without her....straighten her out on that.

I don't agree with that, why pretend and lie? Some kind of ego thing or something? Far to much pretending and hiding true feelings going on these days and it messes everything up, including the person doing the pretending. He'd be better off not responding at all, than saying that. What a game.

I also don't agree her msg was arrogant. I see it as a genuine feeling of remorse and letting him know despite the way things ended, he and their relationship meant a lot to her, how is saying this a bad thing?

If it has 'set him back', that's on him, I dont see how it would though, being told by the woman you loved that your relationship meant a lot to her set hm back? If an ex who broke up with me sent me that, I would appreciate his sensitivity to my feelings and acknowledgement and remorse that he hurt me and that our relationship did mean a lot to him. If I had not been able to move on before that, I would be able to move on now.

To the OP. Take your ego out of equation, acknowledge at least to yourself that you 'were' hurt, (nothing wrong with that or anything to be ashamed of your human), appreciate that she is sensitive to that and move on knowing you both shared some beautiful times, learn from mistakes made and move on.

I also don't agree her msg was arrogant. I see it as a genuine feeling of remorse and letting him know despite the way things ended, he and their relationship meant a lot to her, how is saying this a bad thing?

 

If it has 'set him back', that's on him, I dont see how it would though, being told by the woman you loved that your relationship meant a lot to her set hm back? If an ex who broke up with me sent me that, I would appreciate his sensitivity to my feelings and acknowledgement and remorse that he hurt me and that our relationship did mean a lot to him.

I think the problem with the reply is that it states "I know It was soon to move onto somebody else, But it doesnt diminish what we had". On the contrary, it certainly does diminish what we had. Somebody who is confessing their romantic interest to another even before their current relationship is over, is essentially emotionally cheating. Particularly if they instantly engage in another relationship. They give themselves no time to grieve, possibly because its not necessary, meaning the relationship held little substance in their eyes.

I find it particularly crass to make this sort of inauthentic apology months after the deed has been done. Her indifference/insta-boyfriend is no longer a secret, she's been exposed. Now the guilt has dropped on her, and she wants to lean it on me.

I'm nobody's kick stand, she can keep her guilt and spew that garbage on her new Silly Pants boyfriend.

I think the problem with the reply is that it states "I know It was soon to move onto somebody else, But it doesnt diminish what we had". On the contrary, it certainly does diminish what we had. Somebody who is confessing their romantic interest to another even before their current relationship is over, is essentially emotionally cheating. Particularly if they instantly engage in another relationship instantly. They give themselves no time to grieve, possibly because its not necessary, meaning the relationship held little substance in their eyes.

You were together six years though, surely she wasn't emotionally cheating for six years was she? You said she confessed her feelings to co-worker only 'days' before she ended it with you.

How does that diminish what you had together for the six years prior to that? Not getting that. I know you are hurt, which is understandable but to spin her message into a negative does you no good, to me it will cause bitterness making the moving on process harder.

If it were me I would msg back "thanks for your message, yes I was hurt, but life goes on, I am glad you are happy, wish you both the best. Take care." Then block. Be the bigger person, be honest (for yourself mostly) I think you will feel better and stronger in the long run.

Silence hurts 'em way worse. it says, "Yeah, I hear you, but I don't care. Take your pity party somewhere else."

Move on, do great in life, it's the best revenge.

Silence hurts 'em way worse. it says, "Yeah, I hear you, but I don't care. Take your pity party somewhere else."

 

Move on, do great in life, it's the best revenge.

Pity party? Seeking revenge? S*** happens guys, that's life. So much negativity damages the soul, I agree with saying NOTHING but not for "revenge" no need for any revenge here, say nothing for you, if it gives you a sense of peace and makes it easier to move on.

Listen to Eminem's part on No Favors, when he talks about either Ann Coulter or Jamie Lee Curtis and imagine your ex. She gives two craps about your feelings. Her half-assed apology (which was not even an apology) was to sooth her own ego.

I've always believed in "what goes around, comes around." That said, I'd be the bigger person, and gift her with my silence.

My ex left me 5 months ago after a 6 year run. I recently found out that while we were "on a break", in the midst of the break up process, she confessed her romantic interest to a co worker. Days later she finalized my dumpage. Now theyre together. No big deal. Past is the past.

 

I ran into her unexpectedly at the mechanic. We were polite. I asked her how her and the new guy (we'll call him Spineless) were doing. She didn't think I found out. Brief exchange and depart.

 

Yesterday she texted me " sorry if it hurt you to find out about me and Spineless, I know I moved on quickly, but it doesnt diminish what we had. Hope your well, take care"

 

I dont think I should respond to her guilt/pity text. I've been white knuckling it not to ask about Spineless' bad posture, and how it could be related to his backbone, or lack there of. I know Insulting her new flimsy boyfriend won't do me any good. But in my mind, I've chuckled, even hoped for the opportunity to cast a light on how she's punching so far below her weight. I didn't take the bait. I'm an a$$ hole, and if there's a high road, you better believe that's where I'll be. Despite my urge to Punch groins.

 

I think a rigid no contact policy is the strongest position to put yourself in, even if an ex tries to drudge up the past, and leaves an opening for discussion. I also believe by her contacting me, she delayed my healing a bit, but its a minor setback. Replying to her bogus claim of sorrow would only set me back further.

Wow!!! Good for you!!!!! No response, was the right response.

You are right, she was alleviating her guilt.

Good luck!

No need to reply. The OP is entitled to his feelings. His feeling are valid. I disagree with the notion of "having to forgive" at all costs even if you don't feel like it. Letting go doesn't always have to go through forgiveness imo. I can think of at least one occasion where I have had a person wrong me and I just saw them for the crappy person they were, I accepted what happened, I let go of any self-blame and stopped caring. One can let things go without ever passing through forgiveness, if that makes sense. Letting go to the point of indifference is the key. People who wrong other people can be let go/ left behind without being forgiven. In the case of break ups it can be achieved through accepting that it HAS happened and letting go of the notion that it could have happened any other way (because at the end of the day some people ARE incapable of behaving decently when it comes to breaking up regardless of who is on the receiving end).

I agree with most others in that no response is the right response. By responding, you will show her that she's still in control of you emotionally and can push your buttons. You're in control of you. Don't give her the ego boost. Silence is the strongest message you can send and it says "It doesn't matter to me that it matters to you."

Looking from afar, I don't think I would respond either.

I do think she was sending that message out of guilt, possibly because of how you reacted when you saw each other. Not blaming you at all, just curious to find out more details about this meeting. Were you defensive? Angry? Sarcastic? I really like your entertaining writing style, but it does come across that you are still very bitter about all this, and I wonder if that showed when you saw your ex.

I can see the alternative view of posters such as Prajna, though. Sending a message would, yes, ease her guilt, but it may also allow you to be the bigger person and maybe, just maybe, help some of this anger to dissipate.

Either way, I hope you can find peace with all this and you choose the option that will help you move forward. Only you know the answer.

No need to reply. The OP is entitled to his feelings. His feeling are valid. I disagree with the notion of "having to forgive" at all costs even if you don't feel like it. Letting go doesn't always have to go through forgiveness imo. I can think of at least one occasion where I have had a person wrong me and I just saw them for the crappy person they were, I accepted what happened, I let go of any self-blame and stopped caring. One can let things go without ever passing through forgiveness, if that makes sense. Letting go to the point of indifference is the key. People who wrong other people can be let go/ left behind without being forgiven. In the case of break ups it can be achieved through accepting that it HAS happened and letting go of the notion that it could have happened any other way (because at the end of the day some people ARE incapable of behaving decently when it comes to breaking up regardless of who is on the receiving end).

This is how I'm feeling. I dont need to forgive anybody. And plus, a "sorry something made you feel a certain way" isn't an apology. Its pity.

I'm completely happy with letting the dust settle and being happy with my progress. Forgiveness is not in the cards.

Looking from afar, I don't think I would respond either.

 

I do think she was sending that message out of guilt, possibly because of how you reacted when you saw each other. Not blaming you at all, just curious to find out more details about this meeting. Were you defensive? Angry? Sarcastic? I really like your entertaining writing style, but it does come across that you are still very bitter about all this, and I wonder if that showed when you saw your ex.

 

I can see the alternative view of posters such as Prajna, though. Sending a message would, yes, ease her guilt, but it may also allow you to be the bigger person and maybe, just maybe, help some of this anger to dissipate.

 

Either way, I hope you can find peace with all this and you choose the option that will help you move forward. Only you know the answer.

To answer your question, I handled myself with tact and self respect. We briefly talked about our car issues (we bumped into eachother at the mechanic), I asked how her and the new guy are doing. She said "so you heard.." I politely said "yeah, I work around the corner. I happened to see you two together." It went silent, and I said "OK, take care" and left.

I am bitter, and a bit insulted. She overlapped me just like she did her fiance previous to me (cheated on him and called off the wedding).

It saddens me to know I went through a tremendous amount of pain, and she left me for a buffoon.

However I cobbled my life back together, made new friends, joined meetup groups, met new women, planned trips abroad, leased a slick new house. Yet I'm still bitter.

My ex called me years ago when I was getting ready to go see him. I still remember his words..."I'm afraid I have some bad news." Then he proceeded to break up with me.

Even though I was devastated, I still thought, what an arrogant ass! He presumes I will just fall apart and cease to exist just because he doesn't want to date me anymore! I mean, I DID feel that way, but how presumptuous for him to assume that him breaking up with me was on par with losing a pet or something. Egotistical jerk off.

Funny thing is, he tried to get me back a couple of years ago. And I didn't want him. I ended up unfriending him on Facebook and never speaking to him again because he got on my nerves. And he'd just gotten done telling everyone who knew the both of us that we were dating again. Burn!

Regarding the bitterness - flip the table over, and pity the Ex.

Her text message was a weak attempt at dealing with guilt after being confronted by the exposure of a secret presumed hidden. Basic. Adolescent at best. Pity her for her lack of integrity, inability to speak when it mattered, and to face existence as an individual. Pity for one of many that will habitually jump from one partner to another until finally being forced to settle for mediocre.

Your Gift of Silence(kudos@HeartGoesOn) may help plant a seed. You can only hope, but ultimately her future doesn't affect yours.

Definite hope for you however.

Bitter thoughts fade, as do the sweet. Especially if you continue to own Life like you have done to date. New memories are like UV light or a bleaching solution(my washing day metaphor) applied to a bright red shirt - the more you add, the faster things fade.

For the current flare-up, here's a twister mantra:

"serial monogomists swing from sucker vines and spineless branches" ...make monkey noises after each incantation, repeat until ludicrous

and be very glad you're now aware of/no longer on the menu for those types of partners

Guys, his ex said "sorry IF it hurt," not "sorry THAT it hurt." She has no idea if what she did hurt him, but at least she had the sensitvity to realize it 'might' have hurt him (which it did), and apologizing IF that was the case. The way I view this, nothing arrogant or presumptuous about that al all.

Of course he is free to believe she is a horrible monster, and be bitter and angry about it for the rest of his days, resulting in fear and distrust in all his future relationships, but remember HE knew going in who she was as she cheated on her previous ex to be wh HIM. So he needs to take some respnsibility for 'that' really bad decision and not blame all his pain on her.

Hopefully some day he will be able to forgive (not forget, just forgive) both her, and himself for getting involved knowing what he did about her (cheater). I believe forgiveness is really the only thing that allows us to move on for good. He doesn't have to tell her he forgives, I agree silence is best, but forgive within hmself so he can move on.