MrKawabata

Don't you wish that women would just tell it like it is and keep to their word? Her shifting of thr goal posts of "Please get a divorce" vs. "I didn't expect you to get a divorce" must be driving you crazy! Where is her stability? My advice would be to wait out until your divorce. Until then don't expect very much from her. Observe her actions and promises after your divorce to see if she is genuine or not.

Hi, I think you are right - sweet talk when he hasn't met you face to face sounds odd. My rule of thumb is that the talk has to be validated by action. "Talk is cheap" as they say. If his actions validate his words, then you can trust the actions. To me it sounds like he saying an awful lot of mish mash before he even meets you.

Thank you for your message "itsallgrand". I appreciate your encouragement now, and reading similar experiences. Yesterday over lunch we discussed what we spoke on the phone the night before. On the phone she was upset because I wanted to be "just friends". That is understandable when you consider I had been a whipping post for the past 3 weeks. We agreed that we would be "just friends", but today over the phone she did not want to see me anymore because she finds it difficult to discuss our communication problems. Maybe because she feels guilty about her actions, and feels the pain when she knows that she is causing me pain. She is a sensitive girl, but never this sensitive. We basically were in each others thoughts and did a lot of activities together for 18 months. The difficulty with the emotions is doing things without her supportive words and "bubbly" personality. What gets me is that the past seems a wasted time now, and my life is marching on. Yes, I know there are other good women "out there" and I could do with meeting more people right now, but as I type this message, I am hurting and feel "bummed out".

Hi, I have just ended an 18-month relationship with my Asian girlfriend, of which 8 of the last 9 months were long distance. She had to go back to her country after our first 9 months of our relationship due to Visa restrictions. During our long-distance relations we communicated on Skype 2-3 times per week and emailed each other at least once per day. The first 9 months were a very happy time, the next 8 months long distance were okay, but in the last month when she returned to my country it has been nothing but communication breakdown. English is her 3rd language. Before she came to my country I looked for a job and accommodation for her. I gave her recommendation, but she did not take my advice, and she got herself into a lot of contractual problems into which she wanted me to solve for her but I could not solve the legal mess that she had got herself into. In the last month, I visited her 2-3 times per week and spoke to her on the phone everyday. She phoned me 1-3 times per day. She then said if I cared for her or not, and I said "of course I do". Why did she say that when I phone her everyday and visit her often? Later she went on to say that I didn't care for her, and that perturbed me a bit because I did care for her. What did she want? I remember one day when I didn't even visit her and she was able to find fault with me even then. She wanted me to be with her 24/7, and I said to her that just wasn't possible, and I needed time also for myself and also work. Her clingyness put me under pressure, and she looked to me for her own happiness. She later admitted and apologised to me for her outbursts, which were new to me at the time. I never knew her to behave like this before. She always seemed pleasant and happy upfront. When she got angry she stunned me when she said "the reason why I have to work is because you I don't get any money from you!" So I said "Oh, so you just want to know me because of my money?" And she said "No, I didn't mean it like that!". But she gave me the eagle-eyed stare when she was unhappy when I asked her to pay for lunch the time after she had promised to pay me back some money. She is an out-going travel oriented person and I like reading books. What kept us going was that we were attracted to each other physically, and our opposites brought us out of our comfort-zones. That was fine when we were friends, but when we wanted to get closer the more we wanted each other to change according to the needs each of us had. As we got closer to each other our expectations rose, and she wanted me to change according to what she wanted in the relationship. My needs were never met, despite my repeated communication to her. I needed my own space at times, but she wanted me 24/7. I felt suffocated, as if I didn't have a life anymore. The more criticism I received for apparently not appeasing her strong emotions, the more down I began to feel. I also found contrasting stories of the same event according to which day I asked her. I found out that she had been lying to me, and I today she also admitted to have been seeing other guys. I think her conflict with me is because she had been comparing me to other guys and using that as a weapon to complain about me. What mattered to each of us were our career's, and her cooking and home maintenance skills were non-existent. This is not the type of woman you want if you want a family. Yesterday we met for lunch, and for some reason I ordered a champagne. I felt free and as if I had my life back again. But today I feel terrible. Even though I ended the relationship and couldn't see a future because of our different cultures, I do feel a sense of loss which I find hard to explain. I feel very depressed today. I could do with some encouragement. Even though I know I did the right thing, why don't I feel any happiness about my decision? She hurt me a lot. My mind says I did the right thing - we weren't compatible, but how do I get over my emotions? Your replies are very much welcome. Cheers.

Perhaps it wasn't clear initially that you were interested in him, so he assumed that you weren't interested in him, so he moved on to think about other things.

Here is another thought: if people don't accept you, it is usually that they haven't taken the time to consider the good that is in you. If they don't appreciate you - don't worry. You know that you can appreciate yourself.

Too right it hurts, but at least now you don't have to put up with the torment of someone who you no longer like. I suggest you take a time-out because it is a change of emotions for you, and you need time to adjust your everyday life to life without him.

Life is full of ups and downs, and the things we do are usually temporary. During the difficult times it is time to reflect and ask yourself "what is it that you want?" and then work towards getting it. Remember the good times.

Peeing over your back could be some sort of sexual domination / gratification perhaps?

Maybe he didn't want to get you pregnant?

If it were me in such a situation, and if I was really desperate, I would be trying to find as much paid work as possible, work long hours, accepting even the most mundane jobs like kitchen-hand, cleaning floors, etc...

Well said Easyguy. I think people are on ENA because we are genuinely concerned, or, we don't want to make the same mistake twice.

I think the concept of "the one" is a myth. What is important is being happy and comfortable together, and being able to stay together after having an unplanned disagreement.

Apologies. My bad.

Hmmm. Could you try spending your life getting a date with Paris Hilton?