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Can you cheat on your wife with your sister? Non sexually of course.


cranbers
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Ok so my wife, says that because I talked to my sister behind her back (because she hates her and hates me talking to her) that I am cheating. That it qualifies as emotional cheating. yes I did talk to my sister about our relationship and how messed up it was. I told her details that my wife would find personal and damaging to her as far as being a good person/wife/spouse. So telling my sister these things naturally would make my sister, just like most of the people here say get away from her and protect yourself.

 

So by definition emotional affair is talking to someone else behind your spouses back, keeping it secret because you are afraid of what would happen if they found out etc. Here is the offical definition: An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life.

 

So with that in mind is she right? I mean its a weird question but im starting to think she is right which is unfortunate.

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It's your own family...you didn't cheat. And no I've never heard of someone being accused of cheating for venting about their wife to someone...even if frequently. Personally though, you should be talking to your WIFE about the problems you're having and take the following actions after you've talked to her. But cheating for talking to someone about your wife? No...

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It's your own family...you didn't cheat. And no I've never heard of someone being accused of cheating for venting about their wife to someone...even if frequently. Personally though, you should be talking to your WIFE about the problems you're having and take the following actions after you've talked to her. But cheating for talking to someone about your wife? No...

 

 

Well she is talking to another man and tells him stories about me. She even hung out with him all week end day and night. She claimed he is just a friend and if she cheated then I did with my sister.

 

so yeah, doesn't make much sense to me, but I thought maybe someone else could make sense of it.

 

I mean I understand the difference between a man who is a "friend" of your wives and familiy. Would I have cared if she was talking to her family? Nope.

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That is THE most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

What if you had turned to your mother or father, would it still be cheating?

 

Also, now that I have replied,... does it mean that WE are having an emotional affair too?

 

There is a degree of physical atrraction and sexual tension in an emotional affair. Confiding in a member of your family or someone that you trust is not cheating. It's just ridiculous.

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That is THE most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

What if you had turned to your mother or father, would it still be cheating?

 

Also, now that I have replied,... does it mean that WE are having an emotional affair too?

 

There is a degree of physical atrraction and sexual tension in an emotional affair. Confiding in a member of your family or someone that you trust is not cheating. It's just ridiculous.

 

I agree. I can't believe your wife would be ridiculous enough to keep bringing this up, 4 years later! ](*,) No, it is not "cheating." you are simply going to a family member and asking for advice. What is she doing? is is going out all night, with a man she is not related to, having long phone calls with him, and bad mouthing you to him. meanwhile, don't you two have a child together?

 

If she isn't going to try to work on the marriage with you, leave.

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This is just another in a long line of manipulation and psychological tactics your wife uses against you to take control of the relationship.

 

The onus is on you to finally snap and start sticking up for yourself. But you already know this, it's only a matter of you building up the strength to do it. I hope it happens soon.

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Ok so my wife, says that because I talked to my sister behind her back (because she hates her and hates me talking to her) that I am cheating. That it qualifies as emotional cheating.

 

She's trying to pass the blame away from herself and it isn't going to work unless you let it and cave into her manipulations.

 

She needs some psych. and quickly.

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She says she "hates " your sister? Geesh, that a pretty strong thing to say, no matter how much she doesnt like her. I think thats what this is all about. I think shes jealous that you are confiding in someone else, but I also think shes angry its with this other woman she hates, your sister. We all need someone to talk to outside of our relationships. Its much healthier to vent with someone else who will not take everything personally. Your doing her a favor.

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Saw this and had to post..

 

I think your wife is messed up. I'm not trying to sound like a jerk when I say that.. but it is 100% not right in my book if she tries to destroy the relationship between you and your sister or you and any of your family member..

 

If I was in your sitchuation I would tell her that I am not giving my family up for her like that, that if she doesn't like it, fine but I doubt your going to change to incest and that is not cheating brothers and sisters talk...

 

THis guy she was with all weekend from what I understand isn't related to her? Idk I would be pretty pissed off if my wife spent all weekend with another guy and then tried to use that against me... I think she needs some help or something maybe she should try some sort of counciling

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I think it's all semantics - you can make up a new word "emotional affair" because it has the word "affair" and thereforeeee is a loaded term. The marriag vows only prohibit having sex outside of the relationship. I think if you keep secrets from your wife about a close friendship with someone - whether man or woman - that might be a bad idea if it weakens the bonds of trust and closeness between you and your wife, but I think it is good for spouses/partners to have close friendships outside of the marriage even if not all is shared with the partner or spouse. It probably is a bad idea to play with fire - to be close personal friends with someone of the opposite sex where there are strong romantic feelings, because the risk is it will lead to adultery, not because it is "cheating" in its own right.

 

I am against using loaded terms/broadening too much the definition of cheating because at some point it starts to sound like an exclusive commitment is more like ownership, and that does not appeal to me.

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This is just another in a long line of manipulation and psychological tactics your wife uses against you to take control of the relationship.

 

The onus is on you to finally snap and start sticking up for yourself. But you already know this, it's only a matter of you building up the strength to do it. I hope it happens soon.

 

heloladies21 seems to be right on the mark with these comments.

 

Frankly, cutting someone off from their own friends and family is a great way to control and isolate them, and it's a classic sign of an abuser. Yes, there could be other things to it, but ....

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Wow, your wife is really reaching. Though not qualified to make a medical diagnosis (and would not base one on a single, second-hand deposition if I were), I have to conclude that, depending on how strongly she believes her own assertion, she is either sociopathically manipulative or nominally psychotic. I rather suspect the former.

 

If an emotional affair can be defined as going outside of a primary relationship for support and advice, I have been having one with my mother off and on for the past 29 years.

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Well she is talking to another man and tells him stories about me. She even hung out with him all week end day and night. She claimed he is just a friend and if she cheated then I did with my sister.

 

so yeah, doesn't make much sense to me, but I thought maybe someone else could make sense of it.

 

 

Makes me wonder if she is using your relationship with your sister to project blame on you for her budding emotional connection with another guy .. or if she is punishing you for your emotional connection with someone she doesn't like or trust - your sister.

 

Either is a bad sign so I agree with McGwyver:

 

She's trying to pass the blame away from herself and it isn't going to work unless you let it and cave into her manipulations.

 

I also agree with Batya who points out that there may be more meaning here than this superficial term "cheating". I mean how can one cheat with one's sister save it being incest?

 

I think it's all semantics....

 

and Batya remind us to be careful about the difference between giving them free-will in a realtionship (i.e. if you love something set it free if it loves you it will come back) and control:

 

I am against using loaded terms/broadening too much the definition of cheating because at some point it starts to sound like an exclusive commitment is more like ownership, and that does not appeal to me.

 

and I agree with Beec that control is abusive:

 

Frankly, cutting someone off from their own friends and family is a great way to control and isolate them, and it's a classic sign of an abuser. Yes, there could be other things to it, but ....

 

I can't tell where the chicken and the egg begin and end in your situation. Thus I understand your confusion and reason to post.

 

In yesterday's LA Times there was a link removed about the difference between a sexual affair and an emotional one. I can't see how having a deep connection with a sister could be considered emotional cheating, even if such a thing exists like Batya has reminded us.

 

Finally, above I wrote "or if she is punishing you for your emotional connection with someone she doesn't like or trust - your sister."

 

Controlling people will lash out if they think their bad behavior is being revealed to others. She is lashing out by calling you a cheater when you are not, and maybe punishing you by trying to evoke jealousy - trying to rub in your face her seeing this other guy.

 

Controlling people do not have sufficient confidence in themselves to let go and let live.

 

Do you think she is profoundly insecure by nature, or for some other reason in your relationship?

 

And does she exhibit any other bad behavior she might not want your family to know about - that which would make her more insecure and lash out?

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As others have already pointed out....we are all 'emotional cheaters' then...because most of the ppl here talk about their s/o and problems they are having with them. You may also ask her that if you were seeing a therapist then would that also constitute emotional cheating?

 

Break it down to her like this.

 

Emotional cheating is an emotional AFFAIR! An affair that has everything in the mix for a relationship...without having sex! Who shares secrets.... reviews weekend plans with.... go out for drinks with ....these type of things.....see what I'm saying here?

 

A definition of emotional infidelity is a friendship between members of the opposite sex that have 3 traits to be infidelity: emotional intimacy that is greater than in the marriage, sexual tension, and secrecy.

Do you have that with your sister?...yeah, didn't think so.

 

Friendship becomes a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage

or takes place outside a marriage. If you put the majority of your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse, you're still shortchanging your spouse. Does she say or do things she wouldn't want you to hear?

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No way! mixing apples and oranges there... everyone NORMAL talks to their family about stuff, and just confiding in someone doesn't mean there's any kind of emotional or other affair going on...

 

if she feels you are telling your sister too many intimate details that you should be talking about with your wife, then she should say that she wants you to respect her privacy a bit better, but that has nothing to do with emotional affairs...

 

she's either very confused, or just trying to manipulate you because she's annoyed you're talking to your sister...

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Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts. I have just seen a missed caller id erase from this guy calling last niight/early this morning at 2:15am when I was at work. All caller id's were erased except for this one, which she missed I guess.

 

I am not sure what to think or say anymore. She is supposed to go to some work related party that has been in the works for months. So she is going to go and I am going to work.

 

I am going to make a surprise stop here at 2am and see what I see. Any monkey business and I will be leaving monday morning. My son will be taken care of as I get situated.

 

We are beyond counseling on my end, at least with me staying here anyway.

 

As a lot of you know after reading all my posts this relationship is horrible. She is manipulative, she lies about horrible things. Like talking to an attorney saying everything will be in her favor. Her mom has taken her side and will testify I was an abuser towards her. When she didn't. She tells her family nothing I have filled them in on everything, behind her back of course.

 

So yeah im done. I just have to get the courage to leave and know I am doing the right thing.

 

She has some how been able to use this sister thing for years and I can't even imagine how hard it is on my loved once that I tell this story to. I bet it's painful to hear.

 

So I need to do the right thing for myself, my son and my loved ones and that is to stop hurting them all, including myself. My wife is obvoiusly not hapy with me and what others have said, she probably doesn't want me but something keeps me here, some kind of security or I provide something that she needs. Financial support, someone to watch our son, just doesn't want to be alone etc.

 

so once again thank you all, you have helped me so much. YOu have no idea how nice it is to be able to post like this certain things and get responses that confirm all my thoughts and allow me to believe I am not the insane one or nutty. I have been lead to believe that I am this horrible human being for 4 years, because I talked to my sister.

 

Anyway thanks thanks thanks.

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Well she is talking to another man and tells him stories about me. She even hung out with him all week end day and night. She claimed he is just a friend and if she cheated then I did with my sister.

 

so yeah, doesn't make much sense to me, but I thought maybe someone else could make sense of it.

 

I mean I understand the difference between a man who is a "friend" of your wives and familiy. Would I have cared if she was talking to her family? Nope.

 

Honestly man, dont take this the wrong way... because I feel for you, I really do. But you need someone to SMACK you, and knock the cobwebs loose. Your wife is telling you that up is down, left is right, wrong is good and bad is nice. Its all backwards and upside down, and you are agreeing with her. Sit back and read your own posts man... this is ABSURD. She spent the night with another man, ill bet my left kidney that at the very least they made out or kissed, if not had sex. And she has the audacity to accuse you of cheating for talking to... drum roll..... YOUR SISTER!!!!! thats family man! You didnt bend your sister over the couch, you talked to her! Sheesh!

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So yeah im done. I just have to get the courage to leave and know I am doing the right thing.

 

Be strong Cranbers!

 

Those of us that have been reading all of your threads, know that your relationship is very very sick. Unfortunately your wife seems more interested in using decept and manipulation to further control you, than in addressing any of the issues in your marriage.

 

She can seek comfort with another man and LIE to you about it, but you talking to your SISTER is cheating! BullS***!

 

As I said in another thread, you have some tough choices ahead. Follow your heart! I think you know what it has been telling you for awhile.

 

You deserve love and respect. NEVER allow yourself to doubt that.

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In the middle of these kinds of situation where so much dishonesty and chaos abounds - it is hard to see the forest through the trees. It takes time and lots of reminders of how many questions there are which seem unanswerable.

 

Yup, putting his son's best interest first in all matters seems the easiest guide as a way through this dark and gnarly forest.

 

I suspect the son is way too young to know all that we know, but certainly children can pick up on other things - some things we may even miss.

 

This man does not seem this kind of parent: I want to also affirm that the child will benefit by remaining the son of these two people - not an emotional crutch or an object for voicing frustrations or dimunitions of the other parent.

 

I believe the son needs to see his dad someday as someone who protected him from a house being filled with dishonesty and whatever potential for other harm may potentially occur as a result of one of his parent's associations, on a close level, with someone the father doesn't even know. I know the son will benefit in life knowing that his dad had the self-respect to stand up maybe not for this marriage - but the whole idea of marriage itself. Clearly the wife in this story does not get it. She seems to be a dangerous mother by exposing this home to all of this.

 

I don't know what these other two threads are - it would be helpful to see these, too. Perhaps I am repeating other points already made. (I do empathize with the angst that would lead to three threads.) Here is one last point I'd like to make for this father to consider. I suggest that it is time to start keeping a diary and documenting all of this in whatever legal way he can so that he can ensure that custody of this child is with the father and ensure the process of gaining this custody is as smooth and inexpensive as possible.

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