Conversation with the ex

[Jjasonn28]

she seems to initiate all the phone calls--am I right?

 

Hi hosswhispra.

 

Yes she indeed does initiate all the phone contact. I told her that I wont call her. She lives with her sister, and I just dont want to be 'that guy'. You know what I mean? The ex who doesn't stop calling. I have called on a couple occasions. Once she asked if I would in the morning, to make sure she was awake. Another, on mothers day to wish her a happy one.

 

I am pretty sure she knows that I would like to see her more. Last night she told me that she would like to see eachother again soon. I said I would like that, and I told her that we miss her.

 

If this is some sort of test, it sure is difficult. Its funny that you mention that neither of us are seeing anyone. She asked if I was dating. It was an awkward moment in our conversation, and I told her that. She doesn't know why she asked, and apologized but the whole 'moment' was weird. When she asked, the very thought felt wrong. How can I attempt to offer myself to anyone when my heart beats her name.

 

Okay, that was slightly cheese, but its how I feel. Anyhow, we moved away from that topic, and turned the conversation to the stuff that we both smile about.

 

So anyways, yeah. I would say she initiates the phonecalls 99% of the time. I will send a short email once in a while. (The urge to reach out gets the better of me at times.) It's a definate state of suspension. And im not a fan of it.

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

I find it very interesting she asked you if you were dating anybody. Another thing that I find interesting is that she said she felt that her faith was being tested. I don't think she'd 'put' that specific statement out on the table to you, if she did not want you to delve deeper in questioning her what that meant exactly. I keep on wondering if she is secure about your feelings for her. I could be totally wrong but that is a gut feeling of mine. Although, you know her best.

[Jjasonn28]

I keep on wondering if she is secure about your feelings for her. I could be totally wrong but that is a gut feeling of mine. Although, you know her best.

Hello again Hosswhispra.

 

I would like to think, that as I do know her best, she in turn knows me best. Okay, so I haven't come right out and told her exactly how I feel about her or about this situation, but she should just know that I love her. Shouldn't she?

 

 

If things keep going in this direction, I will tell her. If I have to say good bye, then it will be a good bye on my terms. I will tell her that I love her, and that I want to share the rest of my life with her. And that is why we cannot be friends.

 

But as you said, I do know her best. And I know that she loves me. In what capacity??? That is where I am lost. Maybe she isn't so much insecure in how I feel for her, as she is insecure about Love in general. She was brought up, lets just say... distant to love. Her past relationships have been void of true compassion. She has learned to become self reliant and indipendant. And those are just some of the reasons I fell in love with her. Through the course of our relationship, she shared her vulnerabilities with me. And i continued to fall in love with her.

 

Im not going to say I am perfect. And our relationship, or love for eachother was without flaws. I made some mistakes. We both did. But I've always respected her. I let her have my love, unconditionally. And I think she withdrew, because of the unfamiliarity.

 

And though I still love her with everything I have, there is only so much I can take. I would go to the ends of the earth for her. But unless she would do the same for me, I am only hurting myself. Its a sad thought, that we are victims of circumstance. But perhaps that's all it is.

 

I will say this though. If we part, and move on. I really hopes she finds within herself the type of love I feel for her. And if she can meet someone who will respect her, and love her equally.. I will be happy for her. She deserves the best. And nothing less.

[Rainz]

JP,

 

I have been following your story and thread all these weeks while going through my own break up.

 

I really identify with where you're at, in terms of not wanting to close that door for good.

 

The love you feel for this woman comes through in your posts, it's so sad that she doesn't realise the depth of it.

 

I think you're doing so well with this post break up friendly thing.

 

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago and the relationship was nowhere near as long as what yours was, we were in the post break up contact place, however I told him when he called last Saturday evening that we shouldn't have this "contact" like this anymore.

The whole thing was tugging on my heartstrings too much. So for you to keep at it the way I do when read your updates I think, wow, he's still not given up as yet.

 

The good thing though is that it shows me that there are men out there who "love" the way I do and even after a break up, just don't move on.

[Jjasonn28]

The love you feel for this woman comes through in your posts, it's so sad that she doesn't realise the depth of it.

 

I think that she DOES realise the depth of it, but doesn't understand it, and being unfamiliar territory, she perhaps is protecting herself.. This is just a small part in the big picture, but important none the less.

 

I think you're doing so well with this post break up friendly thing.

 

I am trying my best to keep a balance. Although the sadness is really starting to take a toll on me. Like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. On one hand, having her in my life as a friend or in any capacity for that matter is wonderful. It is very saddening to think of a life without that. On the other hand, having her in my life only as a friend is proving very hard emotionally... I'll tell you something though, I am very greatful for Enotalone. Not only does it help me to speak my heart, but it is also an effective way to keep my mind busy by reading other posts.

 

 

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago and the relationship was nowhere near as long as what yours was, we were in the post break up contact place, however I told him when he called last Saturday evening that we shouldn't have this "contact" like this anymore.

The whole thing was tugging on my heartstrings too much. So for you to keep at it the way I do when read your updates I think, wow, he's still not given up as yet.

 

I really feal Love cannot be measured. Sure there are different types of love, (the love for your family, the love for your friends and the love of a partner etc...) But within those 'categories' there are no degrees. So to suggest that a relationship is less meaningful because of its shorter existence than anothers is ludicrous. Sure, we say and hear things like, I love him/her more and more every day. But I think its just a figure of speech. What I'm getting at is though your relationship may not have been as long as mine was, dont sell yourself short. You are feeling the same pain that I feel, and I can sympathize with/for you. This has been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my entire life.

 

The thing to remember, is that while Love can be viewed as a benchmark, or a constant if you will.. every single relationship is different. Obviously, like us mortals, no two are alike. And when dealing with eachother, and the chapters of a relationship what may work for some people, just cannot work for another. I have a friend who just doesn't understand this concept. He thinks he has it all figured out. That just because he would 'walk away and never look back' EVERYONE should do that because thats the way it is. This coming from a guy who had one relationship last over a year when he was 16. Anyhow, I'm not judging him (he has been my friend for 21 years of my life.) My point is this. Do whats in your heart. What you feel is best for you. If not having contact with him anymore is what you feel is best, then all the power to you. Its a challenging time in your life. Dont ignore what you feel. In the end (fingers crossed) everything will come together.

 

 

The good thing though is that it shows me that there are men out there who "love" the way I do and even after a break up, just don't move on.

 

If it really is Love, then I think you cannot just 'move on'. For many reasons, some people pretend to move on. And for those who really do move on right away, I think then they no longer love. I've had a couple opportunity's to date some women in the past couple months. I've met some nice girls and I wont lie, I've enjoyed the small boost of confidence that comes with having others interested in me. But Im not going pretend that I am ready, or have moved on. Its not fair. To me, or the person that I may become involved with.

 

Yeah. There are men who really do have a capacity to love. We do exist. Even my friend who has everything figured out. He may be set in his ways, and be a little closed minded towards some things. But there is a reason he has been my best friend for so long. He is another of those genuinely nice guys. He would do anything for those he cares about. He argues with how I'm handling this situation BECAUSE he cares. And I love him for it. (That friendly kind of love

 

Keep your chin up Rainz. Allow yourself to feel. When it hurts, cry. And when it doesn't, embrace those moments and show the world that you can still smile. In the end, it will all make sense.

 

JP

[Rainz]

Thank-you for your reply JP. I can feel

 

You raise some points that are similar to my views deep down. I agree, when it's really love can't just "move on". Well I can't anyway.

I'm not bothering with the "pretend move on" either, that's just going to be futile.

 

I was out with a guy friend of mine last nigt talking and catching up and he was telling me that's exactly what I need to do. Move on. Meet new guys. I said to him I'm not being big headed but the guys that I choose to be with aren't "easily replacement".

I'm trying to move on from this point emotionally and that's what really led me to go NC with my ex. Moving on in terms of dating and meeting new guys right now? Not even a consideration at this point.

 

Like you it was nice having my ex still in my life, at the same time it was hard having that situation and not actually being with him.

We have both expressed to one another how ourt lives have been unfulfilled since the break-up, that we're just living "day to day", we've talked about the hurt we've been feeling, relationships are not a priority for either of us at this present moment. Whether that's in reference to relationships with others, or with each other I don't know, didn't go that deep. We're both just getting on with and doing the things we need to within our individual lives.

 

Your friend who you refer to sounds like my friend who I was with last night. Very much, when it's over-it's over and that's it. I have to admit, that's very much the way I've been with break ups too, aside from this ex and and old ex from years back, so I can relate to that train of thought. My ex too, has always had that line of thinking as well, the contact that he and I have been having since our break up isn't "the usual" for him either.

 

Today is my 6th day of this official NC and I've been feeling quite low inside, missing him, now even wondering if I did the right thing.

I'm literally dragging myself to a leaving do after work tonight, so at least I'll be out. If it wasn't for the fact that it's someone whom I genuinely like and will miss I'd just be going home to sit in the house and go through the sadness.

 

How are you getting on today JP?

[Jjasonn28]

Hi Rainz.

 

Yep. I too force myself out to do some things when all I feel like doing is staying inside and cuddling with my dog on the couch infront of a movie. And usually, its a good way to keep my mind preoccupied. Sometimes though, my mind gets the better of me, and I have a hard time enjoying myself. Ahh, the trials and tribulations.

 

Good news is last night the Hockey season unofficially started! We had a scrimage game against one of the teams in the league, just as a practice. It didn't mean anything to the season, and nobody was keeping score.... but we won 6-3 It felt great to get back doing something that I really love.

 

So today, other than having a little bit of a sore neck, (I took a shot on the collar bone... and its very tender today) My day is going well. I have a smile on, and Parker's tail is waggin away. An upbeat day that I am enjoying while I can! My friend asked me to go to a poker game with him tonight, but thats NOT one of those things I'm gonna force myself to do. I'm not a fan of poker, and I'm definitely not a fan of losing money So tonight, I may just rent a movie, and relax. I'd really like to go see the Da'Vinci Code, but going alone... isn't my style.

 

I hope things are well with you, and everyone else. Put a smile on!! At the very least, the weekend is here!! Lets try to make it a happy one.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello all.

 

Its been a few days since I last posted, so I thought I would stop in, say hello and give you a quick update.

 

Nothing to tell you. She hasn't called since Wednesday. Which normally I wouldn't consider out of the ordinary, but in our last conversation, I knew she was troubled, so now I am a little worried.

 

Nothing I can do though right? I did have a pretty relaxed weekend. Went out with some friends to a pub Saturday night, and the evening was pleasant. Fun actually. I hadn't laughed that hard in a LONG time. This afternoon, I went over to my brothers house for a dinner. We barbequed some ribs, then sat around playing cards. Yes, my sister in law's friend was there too. I had another good evening.

 

Now that I'm at home, and winding down the weekend, I find myself thinking of her. The ex that is. Its a little lonesome, but overall Im content. Her voice sure would cure this insomnia...

 

Anyhow, that is all. I hope everyone is doing well. Keep smiling!! Good things happen to good people......

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

It hurts so much.

 

 

I was a little down today because, well... I miss her. I kept running conversations through my head. I mean, things I would say in different circumstances. I realize this is rediuclous, but there wasn't much else to do here today. (A holiday in Canada.) Now dont get me wrong, I didn't spend my entire day obsessing over hypothetical situations, but every once in a while, when things fell silent and I began to think of her again, its just what I would do.

 

And it brought me down even more. Because even in my hypothetical situations, it seems that there is only one answer. The hardest of all.

 

Then she called. I was thinking of her, feeling a little low, and the phone rang. She sounded very excited again to talk to me. But I could not shake the melancholy from my voice. To tell you the truth, I didn't really try. She asked what was wrong, why I didn't sound 'into' talking to her. I just told her that is was a blah day, and Im not feeling very well. So she continued on about her day.

 

Her mother is visiting from accross the country. I guess today, the girls (Her, her sister and her mother) sat around the house telling stories all day. She told me that they talked about me a lot, and she wanted me to know that they hope I am well. She then mentioned that she might be driving her mother to the airport, and when she does, asked if it would be okay if she visited afterwards. I told her of course I would be happy to see her. And as much as it hurts to say it, I know she isn't coming. She keeps 'planning' these things in haste, and never following through. It kills me, but I constantly hold on to hope that 'one day' she WILL visit.

 

She asked how Parker was doing, and told me how she thinks we should start him on a new type of food that is much healthier for him.... (WE??) Last I checked, I am the only one taking care of him.

 

Ahhh.. I feel so bad for even saying that. I know she loves him and wants the best for him.. but I think I'm reaching a boiling point. When she said good-bye, she said to me,

 

'give Parker kisses for me. Tell him he is loved!!. And know that you are loved too...'

 

Well plunge a dagger into my heart, and twist it around. There was silence after she said that.. and I realized she just heard what she said. She then asked me, 'you didn't like that... did you?' Well, what am I supposed to say to that? I dream about hearing those words from her, but under different circumstances. There was an awkward moment, and I think she was about to apologize, but I just said dont worry. Its alright.

 

We said our goodnights, and hung up. And now, like a rollercoaster, I've come back around and am back at the beginning. Broken and empty. I really dont believe she says or does this stuff to intentionally hurt me. That would imply that she is manipulative, which she absolutely is not. But I just wish I knew what was going through her mind.

 

Im feeling very weak tonight. It hurts more when her words or actions make me cry. I can deal with my own thoughts, but when my heart strings are pulled, I find it hard to bare.

[melrich]

Hi Jason,

 

Sorry I have not read all this post but just wanted to ask why are you still in contact with her. It seems to be causing you a lot of pain?

[Jjasonn28]

Hey Melrich.

 

There really is no easy answer to your question. There are many reasons why I'm still in contact with her. I guess the obvious one is that I still love her. Sure, that is a great reason NOT to be in contact with her, but it goes beyond that. I truly do value her friendship. I've been on the fence lately about whether or not this friendship, this trial, is worth the pain it causes me.

 

On one hand, Im still in love. And being in contact is making it seem impossible to move on. On the other hand, not having her in my life in any capacity proposes a trial in itself that Im not sure I want to face.

 

I know it may look as though being in this situation, I am hurting, more than I should be. But that isn't completely true. I generally post here, only when I am sad. When I am happy, well.. of course its easier, so I dont have a need to 'get things out'.

 

I guess what it boils down to is the bond we share. Our relationship did not end on a sour note. We still care very much for eachother, respect and appreciate eachother. I am trying to be noble, and salvage the friendship of a wonderful person. Its just proving extremely difficult. Not having love reciprocated is a terrible thing.

 

There are other reasons. Her and I have even talked about it together. But thats it... in a nutshell

[melrich]

Our relationship did not end on a sour note. We still care very much for eachother, respect and appreciate eachother. I am trying to be noble, and salvage the friendship of a wonderful person.

 

Jason this is close to how I would describe the end of my marriage. I really wanted to remain friends with my ex wife (the marriage ended mutually but she had a harder time coming to terms with life after marriage). I pushed the friendship thing for some time. She went along with it but our relationship dynamic change completety. Our meeting were awkward and uncomfortable.

 

Finally she said we just needed to take a break from each other which we did, for two years. That was 8 years ago. We are really great friends now. There is no awkwardness, we are really good mates.

 

There is no way we would have gotten there without the full on break. Both of us still had raw emotions that impacted on any friendship we could have had.

 

I think you are in the same position. There is a reason she never comes to see you.

 

I'd strongly advise that you guys take a real break. Do it now whilst you are still amicable with each other. It will be hard for you but long term it is the right thing to do.

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

I feel that this girl loves you. I don't think she ever stopped loving you.

 

I think that she's struggling with a lot of issues about her faith right now (based on what you wrote in your post a few days ago). Because of her spiritual journey into her religion, she may be feeling a lot of conflict about the physical issues of a relationship (does she read the bible a lot?). I think this is one of the major issues here....am I right?

[MaggieD]

Hi JP, I read your last post and I can relate to it so completely. My ex acts like that, but I don't think she still loves me like yours seems to. Plus I made every mistake a person can make that wants to rekindle a relationship. I grasped at every movement in my direction and that just pushed her away. At least you're good about not rushing her.

 

But when you talk about trying to maintain a friendship with someone you are in love with, but who isn't necessarily in love with you, well, I really know that feeling. In my case, we have a kid together, so no contact isn't really possible, but sometimes I feel like a masochist for not making it as limited as possible.

 

Every time we spend the day together or talk we have such a good time... we laugh, we enjoy the same things, and it all seems so good. And then I am down, down, down, when she leaves and nothing has changed about us. She just wants to be friends.

 

So when you wrote this: "On one hand, Im still in love. And being in contact is making it seem impossible to move on. On the other hand, not having her in my life in any capacity proposes a trial in itself that Im not sure I want to face." I could just totally relate.

 

All my friends tell me I am only prolonging the agony, and in reading here I can see that's true. I wish and want to be strong enough to cut the contact to the minimum possible.

 

Are you afraid to ask her about renewing things? It seems like maybe it's time to have that chat? But what do I know -- I pushed my ex from "maybe" we could date, to no way jose because I pushed it. Still, I have read your whole story, and I agree with a few others here who say it sounds like she still loves you.

[Jjasonn28]

Because of her spiritual journey into her religion, she may be feeling a lot of conflict about the physical issues of a relationship (does she read the bible a lot?). I think this is one of the major issues here....am I right?

 

Hello Hosswhispra.

 

Yes, you are right. I will say that her spiritual journey, along with her physical issues is the MAIN reason we have parted. The reason being, lack of productive communication.

 

When we first starting seeing eachother, we had similar views on spirituality and religion. We were both sure of something, but we didn't know WHAT. As our relationship evolved, she began searching for answers. The problem here, is that she thought that I was happy enough to be secure with my views, that she didn't want to bring uneasyness into play, by telling me about her new found interest in religion.

 

I say that is the problem because had we communicated about it, we could have avoided much stress and tension. I will admit, I had pretty closed views on religion. I was ignorant to it. But I cannot take all the blame myself. As a child, I wasn't taught about it. I was christined as a baby, but thats the extent of my involvement in religion. And growing up, becoming a teenager, not knowing, or being ignorant only made me close even more. Its sad, I agree.. but its what happened.

 

However, through this whole ordeal, I have been forced to take a deep look within myself and challenge my own views. And in doing so, I've realised something. That being closed, and narrow sighted about the things that I don't understand.... shutting it out and turning away only hurts myself. And because of this 'realization' I've made a strong effort to begin to ask questions. To understand and not pass judgement.

 

That being said, Im not going to profess to anybody that I have 'seen the light'. I've only begun to admit to myself that there substance to EVERYTHING. And for the past few months, I've noticed a change in my behaviour. Specifically towards my family. Instead of being a stranger, I am making an effort to be more involved. Not for 'making an effort's sake, but for a better overall awareness of myself.

 

So, where does that leave me? Excited about the future. Happy with my direction, but still with a void. She means so much to me, and has affected my life on so many levels. I said it before, I love her the same, if not more today than I did 6 months ago.

 

She herself is just beginning to explore too. Yes she reads the bible, but she is more involved in the community of relgion/spirituality than the study of it. She is volunteering a lot, and immersing herself in its presense. I admire her for it. She is very strong.

 

She was baptised in September. An event that she told me about, but didn't invite me to. At the time, I understood that it was important to her, and was happy she was finding herself. But it wasn't until recently that I realized how important it is to me. To have been there, regardless of my views. We had a conversation about this not too long ago, and I told her that I was sorry I wasn't there. She shed a tear and admitted that it would have meant a lot if Parker and I would have attended. (She had an outdoor service..)

 

So in a way, I'm thankful for these events. I am learning and understanding myself more and more. But at the same time, I question why it had to be at the expense of love. Its Bittersweet....

 

And I just hope that it all comes together.

[Jjasonn28]

Every time we spend the day together or talk we have such a good time... we laugh, we enjoy the same things, and it all seems so good. And then I am down, down, down, when she leaves and nothing has changed about us.

 

Hello MaggieD, thanks for your post.

 

I am slightly different in this sense. When we talk, or spend time together, I feel as though Im on top of the world. Even when its over, and I am on the long drive home. Sure its a little sad, but overall, I tend to be upbeat and happy for the next couple days. Its when we dont talk, that I start to hurt..

 

Are you afraid to ask her about renewing things? It seems like maybe it's time to have that chat?

 

Yes, I am very afraid to ask her those those questions. I dont know why, but if that is the route its going to go, then I want it to be a realization of hers. She should have absolutely no doubt about how I feel for her. I dont know... perhaps thats my stubborness talking. But its just what I feel is right. I dont want to beg, plead, push, manipulate.. If she wants to love me, then her heart will tell her. Not me.

 

All I can do, for now, is endure the pain, and continue being me. Loving her, and being there for her is easy. So Im not out of character by continuing to do so. At what point the pain becomes too much.... well some days it feels like Im already there. Others, it feels like everything will be fine.

[Rainz]

Hi Jason,

 

Sorry to hear that you're feeling it so bad right now. I really can FEEL your emotions when I read your posts. As well I completely understand your pain and I relate to it as well.

 

Today is Day 10 of NC for me with my ex and like you despite taking that step, I struggle everyday with the pain of NOT having him in my life at all whatsoever. I struggle also with whether I want to live with that pain OR the pain of still having him in my life and NOT being with him. Either way it hurts Jason.

 

I've read MaggieD's posts, months later after trying minimal contact as possible, it still hurts.

 

NC is very hard when you have an ex who despite your relationship not working there is still very much love, care and respect between the 2 of you, it's very hard to maintain that clean break.

 

I wish I knew what to say to you to help you along, in all honesty I'm at the same stage as you except I officially went NC because the pain and hurt would just be too much for me, even as I type this, I can feel the quiver of pain knotting in my stomach. Also since going full NC I've not been able to sleep properly for one night.

[hosswhispra]

I will say that her spiritual journey, along with her physical issues is the MAIN reason we have parted. The reason being, lack of productive communication.

 

When we first starting seeing eachother, we had similar views on spirituality and religion. We were both sure of something, but we didn't know WHAT. As our relationship evolved, she began searching for answers. The problem here, is that she thought that I was happy enough to be secure with my views, that she didn't want to bring uneasyness into play, by telling me about her new found interest in religion.

 

 

Hello JP,

 

Could it be that her perception of the differing views that the two of you have on religion---is what propels her to maintain some sort of 'distance' between both of you?

 

Did something significant occur in her life to influence her to begin her spiritual journey?

[Jjasonn28]

Could it be that her perception of the differing views that the two of you have on religion---is what propels her to maintain some sort of 'distance' between both of you?

 

Well, I would say it was a big part of the distancing towards the end of the relationship. That distance caused me concern, which I then brought up and really 'initiated' the start of our break up. I told her that I wasn't happy. Of course, I was hoping we would cronstructively work on things rather than go in the direction we are in now. However, I don't think it is the cause of distance at this point. We have had a few conversations about this very subject, and interestingly enough, she has let me in on that part of her life a little more, and initiates conversations about it more often.

 

Did something significant occur in her life to influence her to begin her spiritual journey?

 

There were a couple significant occurrences around the same time that would have sparked her starting on a journey. Now, I cant say for sure, as I am not her, but thinking back on it, it makes sense that these things would cause one to question spirituality. I dont want to get into details, as it is pretty personal to her, and I want to maintin my respect for her. I will say that they effected me as well. That being said, it hurts somewhat that if this is the case, she chose to embark alone, rather than hand in hand. Although I suppose my views at the time probably influenced her decision greatly.

 

I know its to late to wish. But I do wish. I wish she would have approached me, no matter how hard it may have seemed. My love knows no bounds. I also wish I could have seen that at the time, she did need me. My ignorance left me blind.

 

Hmm. Will it get better?

[WildChild]

Hi JP...I haven't been able to check up on things until today. I don't question that either one of you love one another, but I really have to agree with Melrich. I sound like a broken record here, but you are digressing. No matter how much you two love one another, you are not in a relationship at this point and the more you two continue like this: her as though nothing is different, and you allowing it to continue, you will never get past where you are right now. One of the two of you has to put a stop to all of this: you either communicate your ideas, concerns, solutions to your relationship, or you end the communication for now until you heal. Yes Parker may need you both, but you said it yourself, you are taking care of him and she has only been able to see him once since your split...Parker will be o.k. You had an opportunity to become friends with this gal at your brother's house, and you had many nice things to say about her. Whether it is that gal, or anyone else your heart will never move on because you are not allowing it to heal, and open itself to new experiences in life.

 

All of your happiness (outside of hockey and Parker) and all of your sadness is based around your ex. Do you want to live the next 6, 9, 12 months on that roller coaster. Quit being a chicken and talk to her. She may not mean to make you feel sad by some of her comments, but guess what? She is. You or she needs to be mindful to the fact that yes, things slip out but she talks too much like you two are in a relationship. Again JP, you don't know what her intentions are and I think you are scared to find out so you are holding on to anything whether it is conversations, Parker or memories. You both sound like good people, but someone has to resolve this. The sooner the better, because I can guarantee you the longer this continues and if you two don't get back together the pain is going to be 10 x worse.

[Jjasonn28]

Hi Wildchild.

 

I know you are right. Resolve is much needed. One way or another, it just has to happen. I am holding on, perhaps making it easier on her. I think at the very least, we should talk about how we are feeling, and I've got to be the one to initiate that conversation. Like you said, I need to stop being a chicken.

 

I have been questioning today, what is best. In terms of me, her and Parker. Ive been thinking, that perhaps it might be best to let Parker live with her. A crazy thought, heartbreaking for sure. But when I really think about what is best for him, this seems to make the most sense. Of course I love him to death, and so does she. But here, he is alone often. And he deserves a better life than being cramped up in a small apartment. Sure, I spoil him, and I know he loves me. But living with her and her sister would much healthier for him. Generaly, there is always someone around to keep him company, and the exercise he would get living with them would be 5 times what he gets here. They live in a bigger house, with a yard. Im torn, because losing two of my best friends at once will probably rip me apart inside. But maybe I can salvage some peace, knowing that it is the best thing.... I still havent made my mind up, and of course.. she has a say in it too.

 

Anyways, that is what has been on my mind today. Parker's well being. Another thing that has troubled me about the idea of saying good bye is her graduation. I know, you may think this is a rediculous reason to stay in contact, but to me it isn't. She has worked so hard over the past couple years at this. She has set her mind to something, and is about to conquer it. Even through medical difficulties, financial difficulties.. she is doing it. I am so proud of her, and really want to be there when she is finished. And she has made it clear that she wants me there too.

 

And there are other things as well. Her excitement towards watching me play hockey, and my desire to have her see me play...

 

I dont know if you understand my thinking, but when I vision all of this stuff without her involvement, even a friendly capacity, none of it has the same meaning, or substance. And this is where I get torn between fighting for friendship, or standing up for myself.

 

But I take your words to heart. I really do. That is why I'm here. To listen and try to gain perspective and in a way courage to face the things that scare me most. I guess my first step is to stop pretending. Stop being a chicken, and just.... TALK to her.

 

Trying to find the right words, and leaving nothing behind will prove difficult.

[Lady Bugg]

Hey JP....

 

I agree with WildChild. As for Parker....and as the owner of a Lab I understand how you feel about him, but the fact is..he is a dog. It's not like having a kid together. Yes, it's a connection or a bond you two have, but as long as he has at least one of you guys there to care for him, he will be ok.

 

Your thread is getting longer and longer...not that I don't enjoy reading it but it is just a glaring indication of how much longer this has gone on without resolution.

 

You're a great guy J, you deserve to be happy.

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

It seems like you are torn in so many ways. I know what you are going through. Ask yourself if you are happy with the current situation and are your needs being met here? During this time of healing, you are supposed to be looking out for number one....that's you. If your needs aren't being met, then you may be setting yourself up for disappointment, heartbreak, etc down the road.

 

I know you care for your ex but I'm afraid you may be going out of your way to pleasing her at your emotional expense. I may be out to lunch. It's just my opinion

 

You're a great guy and good things will happen to you. Take care of yourself.

[Rainz]

Hello JP,

 

How're you doing these days?

 

I see so many similarities to your position with your ex to where I was with mine before going NC.

 

I think before you'll be able to let this go, you need to have a talk with her to discover from her whether you 2 can reconcile at all or not. If you have to go NC then do it knowing that you knew at this point one way or another. You need to get a firm answer from her on this too.

 

I went NC with my ex thinking it would be better for me etc. I'm in just as much turmoil if not more emotionally. My friens are telling me I pulled the plug on it too quickly. And what not.

 

So carefully decide on what step tp take. Either way you need some sort of resolution now.

[WildChild]

Hey JP, thanks for taking that so easily, I wasn't sure what your reaction would be i.e. me calling you a chicken LOL

 

Getting rid of Parker?!! That tears me up, and I've never met the pup before. I understand your thoughts, but boy that's a huge decision! Have you discussed it at that length with your ex, that she would indeed be able to take him since she lives with her sister?

 

When is her graduation? Are we talking a week, month or year? Depending on when, would decide my unprofessional opinion

 

I have to say, and I recognized this right away reading your last post, that you have already (in your writing) resolved to end it with her, as though to say goodbye forever not even knowing what her response would be when you talk to her. Could it be that A) you already know what her response will be when you lay it all out there, or B) you don't even plan on talking to her about any of this. It's almost like you've given yourself the death sentence without knowing the verdict.

 

I know that partners give us the extra drive we need to finish, do, and accomplish many things in life i.e. your hockey, her schooling etc.... and if you need to go to her graduation, then do so. But JP, unless and until she is completely 100% with you, you need to repeat to myself: my heart will not heal, grow, or find happiness until I open it up and allow it to.

 

Hang in there guy Sometimes I may sound harsh, but I am on your side. And sometimes I'm here to shake you by the shoulders LOL