MaggieD

Kenobe, thanks for your reply. This place does make me feel less alone, even though I don't seem to get many responses to my posts. I have good friends though. thank goodness. this place and knowing i am not alone and my friends, and my therapist help me get through the days. i hope i don't still feel like this in 3 yrs. my heart goes out to you. i'm 45 and i have had 3 real relationships, each one better than the last (which is why maybe it gets harder when it ends) so i want to be optimistic and in my better days i wonder what new adventures may be out there for me. in my darker moments i worry that there won't be any. one day at a time. right?

DN's advice / words of solace to you are so apt. I just want to chime in and say don't assume your friends are tired of you and think you should be over it. My friends have been a great support group, and I always think they are sick of hearing about it (now 8 mths later), but every time I am having a rough time and am brave enough to let them know they kick in with extra support; call me everyday in between when we get to together just to bs and see how i'm doing and take my mind off things. And everytime I say I feel so lame for being so torn up over this, still, they say "it's okay -- it's perfectly normal. you WILL feel better eventually. take your time." Reach out to your friends, consider a therapist (mine gets me through), and hang on tight. Sometimes it's day by day, sometimes it minute by minute. And keep in mind you always find the "perfect" person when you aren't looking, and you don't sound like you're looking, so it could happen any day.

... well maybe a few hours here and there, but mostly it's just painful day after painful day full or regrets and what-if's and if only's. I used to be so happy, and I haven't had a truly happy day since she left me 8 months ago. I sometimes wonder if I ever will again. for background, here's my core dump about it all: I made every mistake you can make when you try to get an ex back. She was considering it at times, but I pushed at every opportunity, and now she is so sick of me I will never get her back. Plus, I just feel horrible about myself. I'd like to advise others not to do that, but I knew it was stupid when I did it. It's like a panic obsession or something. Man, I hate myself for that. I used to have some self control. I don't know what happened to me, but this has taken a worse toll on me than anything ever in my life before. I want to feel happy again, and once and for all get over her. I know she's not good relationship material. She is deathly afraid of intimacy, can never ever admit she is wrong about anything, she avoids all conflict like the plague, so it's impossible to resolve even minor hassles, and she doesn't know the meaning of the word compromise. If only I could remember that every time I start feeling lonely for her. Not so easy given that I spent 6 yrs believing we were soulmates and expecting us to grow old together. It would be easier if we could have no contact, though that would kill me too. But we have a kid and I travel for work, so I need her to watch him while I am out of town. And even though I am his biological mother and had him before she and I met, they love each other very much and she has helped raise him. I can't keep them away from each other. That wouldn't be right for my son. I finally posted a personal today on the internet. I was honest and said I wasn't sure I was ready to date, but that I was ready to meet some new people and explore things a bit. Maybe if I could just feel like this isn't the end of my chances for a relationship someday I would feel better. If anyone has some advice or words of solace I could sure use them right now.

I agree she needs a good therapist. Maybe you can talk her into by saying something like "you can either go to therapy and find ways to heal yourself, or you can agree to let yourself feel miserable for the rest of your life." She doesn't have to stay feeling this way forever. If she will do the things she needs to do (therapy, friends, etc) just to get better enough to do the things (going out, having a party, dating) that will help her snap out of the worst of it and move on she will feel better. It's a slow process, but it can't be over until you start it. That's the main thing you have to remember, imo.

I don't know about that -- never seemed that simple to me, though I am sure it is for some folks. I myself am attracted to males and females in different ways. I prefer sex with men, but I do enjoy it with women as well. When it comes to who I want to wake up with in the morning, most of the time I'd prefer a female -- more because of the emotional connection than anything else. I relate to women better. I guess that makes me bi? Who the heck knows? I finally decided that when I get ready to date again it's women I will seek, so I guess that makes me a lesbian. I believe some people are born with an ingrained sexual orientation, but not all of us. I wasn't. To the original poster, one way is to think back on your crushes when you were in high school. Were they mostly boys or mostly girls? When I faced the question you are facing I thought about it and decided that I'd probably had a lot more crushes on women than men. That helped me realize that dating a woman probably was something I needed to explore. I am very glad I did. If I hadn't gotten dumped recently, after a six year marriage type relationship with a beautiful woman I'd be even more glad.

Seems to me she is in a rebound situation, and smart enough to know she shouldn't jump from one relationship to another before she has had time to heal. I just got dumped a few months ago, and though I would love to just pick up, move on, start dating some of the fascinating beautiful women who are out there, I just am not emotionally ready for it. You may or may not have a future together, but one thing seems pretty sure. The timing maybe just isn't right for her right now.

Bachnit, you mentioning seeing "the look" -- reminded me of something that felt to me like a turning point, at least in hindsight. When I look back, a few months before this all started, she told me she had been to the doctor for problems related to menopause and such, and it was decided by her doctor that she indeed was in full blown menopause. She seemed vaguely panicked by the thought of that -- like this meant she was old for sure now. (she doesn't look her age, really) I remember thinking, oh boy, this is going to be a roller coaster. I thought when it first happened that maybe it was a mid-life crisis that might blow over. She even went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants. But that didn't change her mind. Looking back though, I remember having a sickening feeling when she started talking about what the doc had said, knowing that it was going to have a bad effect on all of us the way she was dealing (or not dealing very well) with it. In hindsight, the signs are often there, I guess. We either can't or don't want to deal with them. Sure wish I had done something to head this off. Maybe there was nothing I could do by the time it reared its head. I don't know. Hugs, bachnit. And thanks for your reply.

My sad tale of woe is like most others here -- I was dumped after 6 yrs in a relationship with a woman who I thought was the love of my life -- a true soulmate. Or so I thought. She'd been having career problems for quite some time, so though I tried to talk to her about what was wrong I didn't actually think it was us so much. She is a conflict avoider, so she didn't tell me she was unhappy with us, or when she did get angry I thought it was over silly things that had more do with her being cranky because of the work situation. I really thought what was happening with us was a symptom of problems at work, and that she would be her old self when those got worked out. She started going to a therapist, and little did I know that she was spending most of her time talking about her relationship with me -- not work. Not that they're weren't some clues, but when I would try to talk to her about what was wrong she wouldn't talk. Or I didn't listen hard enough, or something. I sure didn't think she was getting ready to step out of the relationship. Until one day we got into a pretty bad argument. It only lasted for like 2 minutes, but she had a total melt down. Just totally freaked out because I insisted that we talk about whatever was bothering her. After that she left us for a few weeks (me and our son). Turns out it was me she was really unhappy with all along. The final leaving was slow though. First her: "I need space", then me: "okay, take your space, but please, please don't leave" (I travel about half the time and she likes her time alone). So she stayed through the holidays. Lots of approach / retreat type behavior ensued, where I would think everything was going to be okay one day, then sure she was leaving me the next. Whenever we were together it seemed that things were good and we were all happy. But when I would press her to talk about going to counseling together she would revert back to "I don't want to work on it - I can't be in a relationship." Then about a month ago she says she wants to "separate" and we can date each other. She broke this to me at the same time she told me she had already rented an apartment. So there was no discussing it. It was a done deal. She needs more space, and I should just hang in there for a few months, she said. Or I can just accept it and move on -- my choice. Then she moves out and no dating. I don't think she ever had any intention of actually dating me -- I just think she said that to help me handle it. Call me clueless, because apparently I am, but what I didn't get until just recently is that she wanted to be out of the relationship without a doubt, but felt guilty for leaving. So she did it in pieces parts, with me hanging on in hope all the way. Now we are one week into very limited contact. I really need that for me to be able to deal with this. It has been going on since last fall, and I am really emotionally raw at this point. This is definitely the worst pain I have ever been through, without a doubt. At times I didn't think I would survive it, and even now I wonder when life won't be so sad and empty any longer. Weekends are the worst, aren't they? Even when I am hanging with friends I think about her. I think the thing with lesbians is that they tend to really, truly be each other's best friend in addition to being partners. I miss my best friend so very much, and I know she misses me that way too. I can tell that much. She wants to remain friends, but unfortunately I don't think I can, even though we always enjoyed doing things together and are very compatible in that way. How can you be just friends with someone you are in love with and still heal? I don't think you can. At least I don't think I can. I feel so betrayed by her. I think if things were bad for her she owed it to us to talk about them with me instead of just some therapist. Of course some of the blame falls on me too. I didn't listen to her with my heart, mostly just my head. And I would sometimes be dismissive of her feelings when they seemed less than logical. Of course now I realize that her feelings were valid just because they were her feelings. If only, if only, if only I had done this that or the other thing, right? But she won't give us another chance no matter how much I tell her I am willing to try very hard to give her whatever she needs. She's lost that loving feeling and it's gone, gone, gone. Ugh. I did all the begging, pleading, "please I will do anything - just don't leave me" crap through these last 6 months. Did everything but literally get on my knees. Very attractive, eh? No. And naturally that took it's toll on my self esteem. I am past that phase, thank goodness. Never been there before and was literally amazed at my own desperation. Sure, I thought I was going to grow old with this woman, and I loved her with all my heart. But still, what happens to our dignity?? Right now I don't ever want to love someone that much again. It's just too risky. And I am a bit bitter at her for leaving me feeling that way as well. I still cry some every day, but not all day like I did the many days in the past few months. That's progress. I still wake up in the morning and when it hits me that she's gone and not coming back it feels like bricks hitting my chest, but I shake it off and move on instead of staying in bed until noon. I still have trouble going to sleep and staying asleep. And I still long for her next to me in our warm cuddly bed. I still can't imagine my life without her, but I am accepting that I am going to have to live it that way. And of course I still hold on to the smallest shred of hope that she will come back to me -- fall in love with me again because she misses me and all that we shared. But even that thought is depressing because I know the hope is false. She is very strong-willed. Once she makes up her mind that is pretty much it.