Conversation with the ex

[hosswhispra]

I guess deep down I am one romantic fool.

 

But I really think that she still loves you JP. I don't think she ever stopped loving you. The "wedge" or wall that she's maintaining with you is because of the way she feels about physical intimacy.

 

That's just my opinion...take it for what it's worth.

[Jjasonn28]

Hosswhispra;

 

Hi! Been a while since I heard from you You know, you are like the little devil on my shoulder I myself am a hopeless romantic, and hearing your words ALWAYS bring a smile to my face.

 

For what its worth... Obviously I cant put a price on advice and opinions, but just thought you should know, that it really does mean a lot to me.

 

Thanks for your encouragement!

 

 

(by the way, nice picture. I assume that it is you? GREAT smile!)

[WildChild]

I think something wonderful has come from all of this. In the course of time, you've grown. You mention that before you never wanted to be open about things, and as close as you two are she knew that about you. Because she knew you didn't always open up to talking candidly about certain things, she was may have been afraid to tell you her feelings on sex (if indeed she was feeling this way towards the end). This time apart has allowed her to reflect on what her desires are now in life. Before she said she felt pressured about marriage, now she says she is open to the possibility of marriage. Again, she may have been afraid to tell you the pressure she felt because that would mean asking you to possibly opening up to that discussion.

 

You in turn JJ realized in one conversation how important it is, not only for your partner, but for yourself of not being afraid to express yourself and to open up. This revelation and self growth will make a difference whether it makes things work out between you two, or in the future of another relationship. Most importantly it's who you've become from all of this.

 

Don't look at this realization as being too late, look at it for what it is: a new you.

[Jjasonn28]

You in turn JJ realized in one conversation how important it is, not only for your partner, but for yourself of not being afraid to express yourself and to open up. This revelation and self growth will make a difference whether it makes things work out between you two, or in the future of another relationship. Most importantly it's who you've become from all of this.

 

Don't look at this realization as being too late, look at it for what it is: a new you.

 

WildChild

 

Thank you for your insight. I think it can be said that in general, everyone KNOWS that communication in a relationship is important. Unfortunately, not everyone knows, or understands HOW to communicate. (Including myself.) It is a tool, that unfortunately we are not equipped with at birth, nor are we taught in school. Its one thing to show anger, sadness, happyness through actions.. but showing those same feelings through productive communication is definitely a skill.

 

I am learning as I go. Hopefully all my hard work and attention ive spent on trying to get better will pay off. A new me?... I dont know about that. Perhaps an improved me?

 

Thanks again for your post!

 

JP

[WildChild]

I stand corrected, an improved you I think that word fits perfectly.

 

Oh yeah, productive communication is definitely a skill. I know I have had to step back and redirect my thoughts, think before I speak, and most hard (but gotten MUCH better LOL) actually listening to someone and not thinking of what I am going to say next.

 

I've followed a lot of your posts, and I can honestly say I think you are on the right track, and have been.

 

PS Whatever happened with your leg injury?

[Jjasonn28]

I've followed a lot of your posts, and I can honestly say I think you are on the right track, and have been.

 

PS Whatever happened with your leg injury?

If I'm not on the right track, then I'm in deep trouble Thanks for the ecouragement!

 

I had a mild strain of a ligament in my leg. After a couple weeks of rest, I was able to get back into hockey. I have actually stepped up my involvement a little, joining a skills camp (to try to improve and will be signing up shortly for one on one sessions at a goaltending clinic.

 

I really love to play. In a way, its like a re kindled love. I hadn't played for 10 years or more. Always tempted, but never motivated. Well, not only has the recent break up motivated me, it has inspired me. You know, I think it may be the only time of the week, where I can go a couple hours without thinking of how much missing her hurts. Its such a great release.

 

Plus its exercise that I actually enjoy. Dont ever let anyone tell you being a goaltender is easy!! Heh.

 

JP.

[tylercdurden2004]

Good to see you finding that passion again! Its been a while since I played myself, think I need to go to a skating camp, not so hot at it. MAybe we'll see you in the red white and blue of les habitant!

[Jjasonn28]

MAybe we'll see you in the red white and blue of les habitant!

Hah!!

 

Well, even if I wasn't past my prime, and actually had the skill to compete at that level, no amount of money could make me play for the habs

 

I bleed blue and white! Go Leafs Go!! (Well, except for the tragedy of a season they are having this year...)

 

Thanks for a good laugh

[tylercdurden2004]

Hah!!

 

Well, even if I wasn't past my prime, and actually had the skill to compete at that level, no amount of many could make me play for the habs

 

I bleed blue and white! Go Leafs Go!! (Well, except for the tragedy of a season they are having this year...)

 

Thanks for a good laugh

 

Hey I am the last one laughing or crying? Go canucks go!

[melatonin]

The conversation is a strange one - she keeps changing the subject when your responses are pretty uninvolved. She's probably trying to draw you out in that conversation (how could a comment about a shared love for a song not do that?) but the question is Why. It's rather difficult to see motivations from such a small conversation (especially a chat transcript). I do notice very clearly the difference between her style and yours though - and I'm not sure what it means. She also starts off very bubbly and gets more serious, presumably since you didn't reciprocate the bubbliness. What any of this means, though, I'm not sure.. sorry!! I would say that to me it seems a little strained, but that's maybe just natural given the circumstances? I dunno. Only you can approximate what she was thinking because only you know her!

[hosswhispra]

The conversation is a strange one - she keeps changing the subject when your responses are pretty uninvolved. She's probably trying to draw you out in that conversation (how could a comment about a shared love for a song not do that?) but the question is Why. It's rather difficult to see motivations from such a small conversation (especially a chat transcript). I do notice very clearly the difference between her style and yours though - and I'm not sure what it means. She also starts off very bubbly and gets more serious, presumably since you didn't reciprocate the bubbliness. What any of this means, though, I'm not sure.. sorry!! I would say that to me it seems a little strained, but that's maybe just natural given the circumstances? I dunno. Only you can approximate what she was thinking because only you know her!

 

I agree with everythin melatonin wrote--he thinks the same way I do--at least on this matter. Your MSN chat styles are really different.....from this one example, she's more verbose than you are. I think she's trying to gauge/reaffirm your current interest in her.

 

Tis' me...Thanks for the compliment, JP.

[Jjasonn28]

Hmm.

 

You would think that she wouldn't have to reafirm my interest... although I havent actually told her that I love her for such a long time now.. so maybe you guys are right..

 

Interesting perspective. Thanks.

[melatonin]

I agree with everythin melatonin wrote--he thinks the same way I do--at least on this matter. Your MSN chat styles are really different.....from this one example, she's more verbose than you are. I think she's trying to gauge/reaffirm your current interest in her.

 

Tis' me...Thanks for the compliment, JP.

 

hehe does that mean we don't see eye-to-eye on other things?

[melatonin]

Hmm.

 

You would think that she wouldn't have to reafirm my interest... although I havent actually told her that I love her for such a long time now.. so maybe you guys are right..

 

Interesting perspective. Thanks.

It's an extremely difficult position to be in, since there's all the history there that isn't present when one is normally in this position of 'parrying'; namely at the start of a relationship with someone new.

 

The emotional investment and the amount you know each other can, ironically enough, result in stunted communication since in the sense that you might know each other 'too' well. Some topics can become taboo post-breakup, even though they were once the bread-and-butter of your intimacy. Retraction from an intimate involvement doesn't just mean physically (sexually or otherwise), it necessarily means verbally, too. After all, words are the pretty much the foundation of a relationship.

 

I would think long and hard about whether you want to get back with her, and I would ask her straight out without any embarrassment (and before you get embroiled in the hell of rebound-intimacy with your ex) if she genuinely wants to be with you. Without that kind of clarity, I think you'll end up wasting your life holding on.

[WildChild]

OK, they have not just suddenly began speaking again, here people. I don't think she needs any affirmation from you JP that you still love her...she knows you do, and you know she still loves you. Plus with the lengthy discussion the other night the last thing you want to do is tell her you love her (if you are considering this as an option) because she may feel that pressure all over again. To be honest, I think both of you are doing it right. I am trying to keep my hopeless romantic heart out of this, but I really, really think if you keep things they way have been and in an "atmosphere" you both are familiar with, this could possibly work out. She herself told her Dad she didn't want to push things. Look at it this way, you both are trying to adjust to the improved yous. You to opening up more, and her opening up to new possiblities she didn't want to or was scared to consider before the breakup.

 

JP, you know her I think inside and out, you know if these conversations seem normal to you or not. I don't even know her (or you) and they seem like they fit you two. You will know how, when and if you are curious to see where she is going with any of this, or if she isn't going anywhere. No matter what though, do not lose yourself again in the process of all of this. It's o.k. to focus on her, but you also need to focus on how far you have come since Jan in your thoughts, emotions, and healing process.

[Jjasonn28]

JP, you know her I think inside and out, you know if these conversations seem normal to you or not. I don't even know her (or you) and they seem like they fit you two.

 

Wild child.

 

Its funny that you say that. A little strange.. but funny. When we were together and happy, she would say that to me a lot. That we 'fit' in every way.

 

No matter what though, do not lose yourself again in the process of all of this. It's o.k. to focus on her, but you also need to focus on how far you have come since Jan in your thoughts, emotions, and healing process.

 

I am doing all I can not to relapse. Right now, my priority is me. It hasn't been me for such a long time, which in its own right had a negative effect on our relationship. But as much as I think about her, love her, miss her and wish we could come together, I am trying to sustain the progress I have been making in every aspect of my life.

 

Thanks for your confident words and support. MUCH appreciated

 

JP

[WildChild]

Ya know, through the course of all my time spent on this forum and reading people's daily struggles with life and the events we are thrown, I really become happy and proud of people here. You're one of 'em JP.

[Jjasonn28]

Ya know, through the course of all my time spent on this forum and reading people's daily struggles with life and the events we are thrown, I really become happy and proud of people here. You're one of 'em JP.

 

Thanks so much!! I really cant tell you how much help everyone has been here. I realize I have a long way to go, but I am comforted by the fact that there are people in my life who really are concerned.

 

On a side note, before I head off to hockey, I would like to mention that she contacted me on MSN again this evening.

 

She initiated a video conference, to which I accepted. God how wonderful it was to see her again. She was all smiles, and happy to see me. The conversation wasn't out of the ordinary, except for maybe a few things she said. She knows I have hockey tonight, and that I stay out late afterwards to have a beer and some wings with the guys. Tonight though, she had said to me, that if i want to call her when I get in, that I am more than welcome to. I mentioned that I usually stay out until 2:30 am.... but she said that she will probably be working on her essay, and if I am going to call, she will wait up.

 

That is a little odd. I told her not to wait up. That we can talk some other time. She really needs her rest, as she's been working so much lately on her essays and preparation for exams.

 

Also, if I could get some opinions... I have this urge to tell her how I feel about her revelation of physical intimacy. That I believe it is one of the biggest reasons there was tension in our relationship. I feel that I need her to know, that it is not something that I need or expect to be happy in a relationship. Something tells me that she has this misunderstanding that it is very important to me. Granted, we were sexually involved for most of the duration of our relationship. And when it slowed down, I did start questioning myself, and quite honestly it was a blow to my self esteem. But I also assumed that things would fix themselves and go back to the 'way it was' . This caused a lot of strain on both of us. I dont know if she felt then how she feels now, and didn't know it, but had that been the case, it could have completely changed the nature of our relationship - in a good way. Not having those expectations would have eased so much tension and made certain situations a lot more comfortable, for her, and I....

 

Should I tell her how I feel? Is this inclination to tell her how I feel a moment of weakness that I should avoid? I wonder if she thinks that I need that sexual involvement to be fulfilled in a relationship. When we broke up, she did make mention about how I deserve someone who is willing to be more open sexually.. and that is simply not the case.

 

Confused again. Did I confuse you?

 

Thanks for any opinions. Im off to hockey, and will check in tomorrow!

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Should I tell her how I feel? Is this inclination to tell her how I feel a moment of weakness that I should avoid? I wonder if she thinks that I need that sexual involvement to be fulfilled in a relationship. When we broke up, she did make mention about how I deserve someone who is willing to be more open sexually.. and that is simply not the case.

 

I think that you should tell her how you feel about this JP. However, that's just my opinion and you will have to decide that for yourself.

 

I think you should because she might have felt that you need sexual involvement right now to be fulfilled in a relationship. The only way you will know for sure is if you directly ask her. I would ask her in person though. With the computer, the phone etc....it's harder to gauge exactly what a person is saying minus their facial expressions/body language. So I would avoid those measures of communication for this question.

[Jjasonn28]

I would ask her in person though. With the computer, the phone etc....it's harder to gauge exactly what a person is saying minus their facial expressions/body language. So I would avoid those measures of communication for this question.

 

Yeah, Ive been thinking about that as well. I guess the only problem with that is, Im not entirely sure when we will see eachother next. I could take it upon myself to make plans with her in a week or two, and go down and see her...

 

But something about that just doesn't sit right with me. She is very busy, and getting through the final push of her school year. She keeps telling me that she misses us, and that she will make an effort to come here instead. Something tells me that I should wait for her to do that. It would be easier of course, for me to go to her... and I dont really want to make things 'difficult' on her. I dunno, i think it would be more of an 'action vs words' thing.

 

If she can make that effort to come and see me, then I will confess how I feel. Im not going to ask her to come here either. She knows I miss her, and would love to see her. She doesn't need to be asked.

 

She can definitely tell that something is on my mind though. Its hard holding back now.. especially after the other night. But you are right. It is something that needs to be said in person.

 

Thanks again Hosswhipra!!

[WildChild]

I agree with Hosswhipra that you should tell her and under the right circumstances, and I think you will know when the right time will be. I think it's important for both you, and almost like closure. Not closure to the relationship, but closure to any past or current misconceptions of the sex issue. This way whether you remain only friends or if you two get back together, you have closed the door on the issue and can move further without any questions, doubts or again misconceptions of each other's thoughts about it.

 

Hope hockey went good, and glad to hear that your leg is better.

[Jjasonn28]

I think it's important for both you, and almost like closure. Not closure to the relationship, but closure to any past or current misconceptions of the sex issue.

 

Yes.

 

You are right. I think that is the reason why I am feeling so inclined to talk to her about this. I need that closure. I need her to know exactly how I feel about it.. to rid myself of the what if's.. I really think I need to be somewhat cautious on how I approach this though. I dont want her to misunderstand it as an attempt at 'asking for her back'. I have vowed to myself, not to do that. At ALL costs. I wont beg, ask or try in any way to 'convince' her to change her mind. It has to come from her heart. Otherwise, I know it just wouldn't work.

 

I had this dream a few weeks back, that is burned in my memory. I was playing hockey, in a league game. I looked up to the stands and unexpectedly, she was there. Standing up she looked at me and mouthed the words, 'I love you.'

 

Hopeless romantic... yes I am.

 

Hope hockey went good, and glad to hear that your leg is better.

 

Hockey on Friday was OUTSTANDING!! It was the last week of shinny hockey before the season starts. Just before the ice time expired, my defenceman tried a cross ice pass that was intercepted, giving the other team a breakaway. Well all I can say is, HOLY MACKINAW. (Dont know how many people will get that line?!) He deked, tryed to roof it glove hand.. but I flashed the leather and robbed him BLIND. It was my best save ever. All the guys on the ice were screaming... It made me feel so good to make the last save of the pick up season such a memorable one. The guys think I should save the puck and have it mounted

 

If anything, my confidence is at an all time high.. (goaltending wise ;P) which is a good thing headed into the summer league.

 

LoL. Can you tell Im enjoying it ??!!

 

JP

[pedro]

It's great you're finding so much passion in hockey and what it is doing to help you heal. You're a true inspiration.

 

Good luck when and if you meet your ex.

[Jjasonn28]

It's great you're finding so much passion in hockey and what it is doing to help you heal. You're a true inspiration.

 

Good luck when and if you meet your ex.

 

Hey Pedro!

 

Thanks man. Its a little scary to think about how things would be if I didn't find hockey again... It really does fire me up! Another great thing about it is I will be able to spend more time with my older brother and his family. He has come out and played with us for the last month or so, and he has now also joined our team. Im excited about having my nephew there watching his father and uncle play hockey!

 

We're gonna get him (Tanner, my nephew a helmet, and bring him behind the bench so he can work the gates. He'll love it.

 

As for seeing the ex, thanks for the ecouragement. I will be seeing her at some point... Just hope I can remain strong.

 

JP

[pedro]

It's great you're including your family in your activities. I have a 3 yr old nephew and he likes hockey too. I can't wait till he's older and we can play.

 

I know you'll be strong when you meet your ex. Remember you're a changed person from months ago. You've discovered many things about yourself, continue to grow and want to improve things about you, and you're wiser. I know the heart will beat stronger when you see her but I know you'll play it cool.

 

Take care