Conversation with the ex

[Jjasonn28]

Hi guys.

 

I thought Id share with you some interesting happenings. On Saturday evening, a couple friends and I went over to my brothers house to have a small get together/party for his wife's birthday. There were 8 of us there. It was a fun relaxing night. We watched the hockey game, ordered wings, had a few drinks.

 

My brothers wife, brought with her, a friend from work. I have met this friend of hers before, but only briefly. Well Saturday night I got to know her a little better. We all ended up around the dining room table, drinking, laughing, telling stories.... etc. She seems very sweet and down to earth.

 

So the night ends, I go home... climb into bed and of course, silently wish my ex a good night. Well today, I got a message from my sister in law. Apparently, her and her friend had a conversation about me, and her friend is very interested in getting to know me better.

 

Another small boost of confidence! Strange where we can get those from huh? Obviously, I still love my ex. I am in the process of bettering myself/healing... moving forward with my life... sorting things out.... I am pretty sure that this girl knows my situation, as my brothers wife and I have had conversations about it. (She and my ex got along great). So my brothers wife now wants to have another 'get together' on the weekend, to give her and I a chance to talk. Is this a good idea? I mean, I find no harm in conversation, but given where I am, does it seem right?

 

I just don't know.

[WildChild]

Well, this obviously puts you in a position. The only thing I can tell you is what I would do. I would talk with the sister-in-law (and brother) a little bit about it. Obviously they know the circumstances all the way around, and I am assuming they also know that you and the ex have been communicating even more in the last week or so? I'm sure they do like your ex, and I'm sure they would also like to see you have the opportunity to meet someone. Given that they are trying to have you meet up with her this weekend, there is an encouragement from them to both of you. As long as they make this gal aware that you are coming out of a LTR and are not necessarily looking for anything serious given your situation, I say go. At the least, you can't have too many friends.

 

I guess my thought on why you should go is this. It's so hard to know right now what will happen between you and your ex, and given the conversation you had with her when she revealed she sometimes felt pressured, I think it is way to early to even ask her where this is going as it might scare her. However, both your brother and sister-in-law know where you are in terms with your ex, and may just be wanting to open potential new doors for when you are ready, they may have introduced you to someone you could be interested in. Don't look at this like a "blind date" but friends getting together. Obviously JP at some point you will need to discuss the ifs, whens and whats with your ex, I just don't know that now is the time.

 

I may have been off base on what your question was, correct me if I was.

[pedro]

That's great that you met a new friend. You can never have too many of those. She seems like a nice person. The boost in confidence must have been wonderful. You deserve it.

 

I know you don't want to rush into anything right away. I would say just go with the flow and enjoy yourself. Trust your gut and you never know where this new relationship could go, it you want it to.

 

Keep us informed.

[Jjasonn28]

I may have been off base on what your question was, correct me if I was.

 

WildChild,

 

Your insight is very helpful, and definitely relevant to my question. Yeah, my sister in law and brother are both aware of the current situation with my ex. They know how I feel, and are both very supportive and encouraging. I dont know that this has been an attempt to open potential doors. This girl is a very good friend of my brothers wife, and the get together on Saturday was simply to celebrate her birthday. I guess though, since her friend has showed interest, my sister in law has become quite excited about having us get to know eachother better. She is very enthusiastic about it. I think I will go to my brothers this weekend. At the very least, it will be a fun time with family and friends.

 

As for discussing the if's, when's and what's with the ex, again, I think you are right. I cant push that. It will happen at some point, but I dont want to scare her. Her exams are starting soon too, so regardless how I feel, I dont want to add unnecessary pressure. She has worked really really hard to get to this point, it would just be best to give her the space and time she needs to stay focused.

 

Once again, thanks for your words.

[WildChild]

Yeah, I didn't mean this last weekend as an opportunity, but this upcoming weekend...especially since this gal expressed an interest in you your family may have went "Ah, ha!" and set the ball rolling for this weekend. I think it is a good decision to go, and not to mention if this gal is friends with your sis-in-law you probably will see her now and again anyway at "get togethers". You are using some good sense JP, some people would have jumped ship too soon and asked the ex right away where things stood.

[Jjasonn28]

You are using some good sense JP, some people would have jumped ship too soon and asked the ex right away where things stood.

 

Thanks WildChild.

 

Hypothetically speaking, even if the ex told me today that things are going nowhere, and that I should move on, I am in no position to persue anything more than friendship. My heart is still with her, and it wouldn't be fair to myself, or anyone else to be lead into thinking otherwise.

 

That being said, I owe it to myself to enjoy life once again. So there can be no harm in spending time with friends and family. Things are happening for a reason, and we just simply DONT KNOW, what surprises life is going to throw at us. So I will go, and even make an attempt to get to know her better. A new friend is never a bad thing.

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

It is really good to hear that you are getting out more JP I agree that a new friend is never a bad thing...the only thing I would add is to make it clear to this girl that at this point in time you're just looking for friends. This way she won't get other ideas

[Jjasonn28]

It is really good to hear that you are getting out more JP I agree that a new friend is never a bad thing...the only thing I would add is to make it clear to this girl that at this point in time you're just looking for friends. This way she won't get other ideas

Hello Hoss.

 

I am pretty sure she knows the situation I am in. She is intellegint, so she should be weary herself of wanting anything more than friendship with me at the moment, even if certain feelings are present. But yes, I will make that clear

 

And as for an update with the ex, I dont really have much to say. We haven't spoken since that video conference last friday. I know she is very busy this week. She had two essays due, plus is studying for 5 exams. Im tempted to send a 'hang in there' email. But I havent yet.

 

Hmm. Its hard not being able to support and encourage her. I really miss that. I send her my well wishes and best thoughts every night.. I hope she's getting them...

 

Look at that... back to being sad

[hosswhispra]

It's so funny right now...because someone just asked me what romance to me meant. I responded that romance for me could come in the form of a kind word, a thought, or action and *encouragement*. If I was studying for 5 exams and writing two papers---an email from someone special encouraging me (thus supporting me in my academic endeavors and pursuits)---would make me feel like the most special and cherished person in the world!

 

Send the email....

[Jjasonn28]

If I was studying for 5 exams and writing two papers---an email from someone special encouraging me (thus supporting me in my academic endeavors and pursuits)---would make me feel like the most special and cherished person in the world!

 

Send the email....

 

Thanks Hosswhipra.

 

I thought about what you said and decided I should send it. I guess nothing wrong with showing my support on a small level. I just dont want to be too overbearing... which I am pretty confident I am not being.

 

I feel a little better sending it, and dont regret it at all. I hope she takes it to heart.

 

Thanks again!

[Jjasonn28]

Hello.

 

Just a quick update. I sent that email last night to her, and today I received one back from her. She thanked me for my support, and said that it 'really means a lot' to her.

 

I really didn't expect her to send an email back. She rarely emails me. That is one thing she has really never done. But, she sent it, and it made me smile.

 

Thanks Hosswhipra, for encouraging me to send it. Im glad I did.

[Jjasonn28]

Hi again everyone.

 

I posted earlier about how I received an email from the ex, and how it brought me a smile..

 

Well, things can sure change quickly. A friend called me tonight, and asked If I wanted to go to a pub, and have a beer with him. I thought, why not? I could use some company, and I was feeling pretty good.

 

When we got there, things were as I expected. The pub was pretty full of people, and the music was loud. Im not a big fan of the 'bar scene'. But that is pretty much what this was. A pub turned bar.

 

So we each grabbed a pint, went to the patio, found a spot to sit and started talking. I was having a pretty decent time, until I saw this girl. I dont know who she was. I dont know her name, but it oh my did she look familiar. I swear, she resembled my ex so much, it was very eerie. She was staring at me. Everytime I looked, she would be looking at me. She was smiling, yet it made me feel sad.

 

It set my mind on fire. I started thinking about how much I wished it WAS her, and that she would come to me, and throw her arms around me. As soon as I noticed this girl, my night was ruined. I am still so obviously hurting, and i think my friends are starting to get sick of it. I finished my beer, and left. I just told my bud that 'I cant be here', and walked out.

 

And I cryed the whole way home. I love her so much, and its killing me. I had plans to spend the afternoon with that same friend tomorrow, but after tonight, I'm sure he'll be plenty pissed at me.

 

Trying to keep my emotions in 'check' is proving to be unbearable. 90% of the time, I can deal with them, but its that other 10% that scares me. When I do lose control it really is unbearable. But, I will say that instead of sending her an email, or leaving a message on her cell phone professing how much I miss her.. I am here instead.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my rant. I am feeling a little better, but will fall asleep tonight a sad man.

 

JP

[WildChild]

How ya doin today JP?

[Jjasonn28]

How ya doin today JP?

 

Hi WildChild

 

I'm feeling a little down today. I did, however get out for two good solid hours of hockey. But now, being at home again I cant help but miss her.

 

I wrestled with my dog for a while, but I think he's getting sick of it! Heh, now he's just laid out on the floor, dead to the world again. He really can tell when Im down. He seems to pay extra attention to me. He'll just walk over and place his head on me knee and look at me. He's such a sweet guy.

 

But yeah, my mood is reflective of the weather I guess at the moment. Grey, damp... a little chilly. Im trying to keep preoccupied, but finding it hard. I was asked to go out tonight to another bar, but I'm really in no mood for it. My friend, his wife, another friend and a girl he is seeing want to go out and have fun. I just dont think that being the fifth wheel is the role I need right now.

 

Id love to go out for a nice dinner.. But I'd never do it alone. So perhaps I'll order some chinese, and just let my mood take me where it wants to go today...

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

Sorry to hear that you were feeling crummy last night.

 

There is a really good book called the Alchemist (author is Paulo Coehlo). It's not only about pursuing your dreams/following your heart, but it's also a love story.

 

Point is that if it's true love (and that is what I believe you have with her) that a person will return to you if it's meant to be. I really love this book and it has helped me immensely; thereforeeee, I highly recommend reading it. It's only 175 pages long and it's an easy read (I am no reader, trust me and I read it in 5 hours one night.

 

I hope you have a good holiday weekend.

[Jjasonn28]

I hope you have a good holiday weekend.

Thanks Hosswhispra.

 

I think I just might try to find that book. Maybe I'll take a drive to chapters. I do love to read, but I am a sporradic reader to say the least. I'll read a book in a couple nights, then not read for a month or two. The last book I was reading, is the book the ex bought for me at christmas. I haven't read it since the break. We were supposed to read it together, (she has a copy and loves it)... but I guess that didn't turn out.

 

I am trying to keep it out of mind that it is a holiday. I just want this weekend to pass with minimum heartache. But with the holiday comes thoughts of together time with family... and its hard to not consider her family anymore. I guess its normal to be feeling these things, but just because its normal, doesn't make it any easier.

 

But thank you for your suggestion and well wishes again. I hope you have a great weekend!

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Holidays can be bitter sweet when it comes to matters of the heart at times.

 

 

Hope this makes you laugh a little (the picture).

[Jjasonn28]

Holidays can be bitter sweet when it comes to matters of the heart at times.

 

 

Hope this makes you laugh a little (the picture).

Hehe, thank you Hosswhispra. While I didn't exactly bust a gut, I did get a great smile from the picture!

 

Yep, holidays are rough. When valentines day rolled around, I completely ignored it. I shut myself inside so I didn't have to deal with the reminders everywhere. That seemed to work for me on that occasion. This weekend, is a little different. Family and friends keep calling, and though I appreciate the sentiment, it just doesn't feel... complete..? Easter is especially tough. She loves chocolate... (as do most women apparently..) and I used to surprise her once in a while with a Kinder egg. She was like a child with those things. Last easter, I considered having a ring put inside one. Of course, I didn't..

 

Thanks for the smile. I appreciate all your kind thoughts and wishes. I really do. You really make me want to fight for what I believe in.. for love.

 

Happy Easter.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone.

 

Although Im not celebrating the holiday, Id just like to send all of you my warmest wishes today. Happy Easter!!!

 

Have a great day. I hope you can all smile, and enjoy the company of those close to you.

 

 

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hello, yet AGAIN!

 

I just want to share the happenings of the last couple days with you, concerning the ex.

 

Yesterday, was a blah day (despite the beautiful weather we're getting.) Being the holiday weekend, I found myself thinking of her more than usual. Even when shut inside the house, there are reminders everywhere of the 'celebrating' going on. So, needless to say, I was missing her. Other than a couple chats on msn during the week, we hadn't spoken for 7 days. I realize, thats not really a long time, but to me it just feels like forever.

 

So at about 10:00 pm, I had to go for a walk. I just needed to get out and let the air soothe me, and try to collect all my thoughts. When I returned home, about 10:30, there was a message waiting for me on the answering machine.

 

She had called while I was on my walk. She wanted to say hi, and wish me a happy easter. She said that she has been very busy with school and work, and apologized for not having called me sooner. She also said that she misses me 'tremendously' and she wished that we could be together this weekend, sharing a nice meal. (A lamb roast with asparagus and green beans she said. One of our favorite meals we used to cook together on occasion.)

 

So I heard the message, and I smiled. It was a simple phonecall, but I felt better, just having heard her voice. I didn't call her back, rather just let that contentment ease my troubles for the evening, and allow myself to fall asleep... with a smile.

 

Today, has been a pretty decent day. I took Parker out for a nice long run. He got to play in the river a little, and playing with him simply put me into a good mood. He is such a HAPPY PUPPY. Afterwards, I came home, sipped coffee, did a little research and watched a movie. Then at about 5:00, the phone rang long distance.

 

I answered cheerfully, because I was in a decent mood, and knowing it was her elevated that a little. She was happy that i was home, and we had a typical conversation. I explained that Parker and I had a fun time today. She was, again stressed and somewhat burnt out from the weekend so far. She worked a double shift yesterday, a shift this morning, and had just got home. She planned to spend the evening studying. So, I thanked her for calling, also for leaving the message last night, wished her a happy easter and said goodnight. She thanked me for my encourageing words, and for the email I sent her.

 

She also said that it is 'okay' for me to call her. That she really likes getting emails from me, but it would be even nicer if she could hear a voice message from me once in a while.... I dont know. I mean, of course I WANT to call her, but I just don't know that I can.

 

So anyhow. Thats my rant for the day. Sorry it was so long. I am feeling alright now. Any thoughts?

 

Talk to you soon!!

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

In my heart, I feel that she really loves you JP. I am also sure in my heart that she has been thinking of you the same amount that you think about her. She acts like how I would if I really loved someone but was unsure/insecure about their feelings towards me. This is only my opinion and I am sure there are people who'll disagree with me...but that is honestly what I feel.

[Jjasonn28]

She acts like how I would if I really loved someone but was unsure/insecure about their feelings towards me.

 

Alright. So hypotheticaly, if this was the case.... what would be the best course of action I could take? Just continue on the road that I'm on? Do I keep showing my support and love through limited actions.. or do I take a more proactive approach and fight for what I want?

 

I guess what Im asking is this. What would it take, for you to become sure/secure about their feelings towards you?

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

So I heard the message, and I smiled. It was a simple phonecall, but I felt better, just having heard her voice. I didn't call her back, rather just let that contentment ease my troubles for the evening, and allow myself to fall asleep... with a smile.

 

You smiled when you heard her voice. She'll smile when she hears yours...women love to get phone calls from the men they love!

 

[QOUTE=Jjasonn28] She also said that it is 'okay' for me to call her. That she really likes getting emails from me, but it would be even nicer if she could hear a voice message from me once in a while.... I dont know. I mean, of course I WANT to call her, but I just don't know that I can.

 

She's telling you want she wants (you to call her more!). Continue to be supportive and offer her encouragement in her studies. She will respond to that. Right now she may not be sure that she can offer you certain things because of her current view on physical intimacy--this is why she may feel insecure/unsure of your feelings for her. In the end, you know her best--JP---so follow your heart, while also considering YOUR feelings also...never forget you.

[Jjasonn28]

In the end, you know her best--JP---so follow your heart, while also considering YOUR feelings also...never forget you.

 

Its easier said than done though isn't it? I do know her best. I know that leaving her a message will make her smile. But that part about considering MY feelings is where I'm troubled. I am hurt. I miss her, and quite honestly, i feel as though without her, I am missing something. I've been trying to be very careful how i handle this situation, so as not to put myself into the position of hurting even more. I guess, being in 'limited' contact with her, I am trying to find a comprimise. I am still trying to be there for her, but not smother her.

 

People will say that I am being a security blanket for her. I will disagree whole-heartedly. She has such strong character, that she would never need to reach out for me for her own selfish needs. She definitely respects herself, and me more than that. She said to me herself, that there is 'something' strong between us that we cannot deny. I know what it is, but I will let her come to figure it out on her own, without influence. Because then it would be tainted.

 

So whats best for me? Well, I definitely feel better when she contacts me. Even tonight, I came home from a walk, and she had left a message on MSN. A short one saying that she handed in her final essay, and feels so good about it. She wanted to say hi, and said she looks forward to talking again. Not a long heartfelt message, but it still made me smile. She is sharing her life with me still, and I am honored.

[kadvati79]

Dude I love reading your thread. You have so much capacity to love, more than anyone else I have seen. You are just a damn genuine guy and I think its amazing that it shows through so well even through the internet.

 

I just wanna pick this girl up, shake her, and say "for pete's sake just kiss him and make up!!!"! Reading your story is like watching ross and rachel off friends... you know... the two everyone always wants to see reconcille.

 

Please keep us posted dude, I don't have any advice to you because I see love here. And in my book, I believe love always wins. Eventually. Because true love lasts the distance.