Conversation with the ex

[hosswhispra]

My fingers are crossed that you'll get the answers that you're hoping for, JP.

[WildChild]

I'm thinking of ya JP, and hope that you will get the answers you so much need, and deserve. Be prepared for anything o.k. No matter what, it is your life. You were you way before you met her, don't forget that. You deserve happiness whether with her, with someone else, or by yourself. Once you allow your heart to open, you will find more happiness out there than you have allowed in right now. Find it within yourself, and it will find you.

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks guys, for caring!

 

This waiting is tearing me apart. I am suffering from a little bit of temporary insomnia I think because of it. I couldn't sleep last night. I though of her, I and us often. I stayed awake until about 10:00 am until I finally had nothing left. But even then, I only slept for a few hours...

 

It sorta feels like I am waiting, to be sentenced. She called this afternoon, and this time I picked up. Another happy conversation. Really. Its scary really, how just talking to her her can lift me like that. She again mentioned that she wanted to come see us, and asked if that it was something I wanted too. Well, of course I do. So she is going to call later tonight, when she is done work and knows what her new schedule looks like.

 

I really, just cant wait to enjoy a day with her again. There is pressure on me to do whats right. And I know whats right.. for me. But before I talk to her, and tell her... I just want to spend one day.. with smiles. A day to remember, you know?

[Diggitydave]

This post should be made into a novel.

[Jjasonn28]

This post should be made into a novel.

 

Well, at this point, the ending hasn't been 'written'. Soon enough though. When that happens, I guess we'll have reason to, or not to write a novel

 

Im hoping for a happy ending. We'll see.

[hosswhispra]

I really hope to experience that kind of love that you have for your girl, JP. Just knowing there are guys like you out there, inspires me and gives me hope.

[Jjasonn28]

I really hope to experience that kind of love that you have for your girl, JP. .

 

Me too

 

 

In moments of low self esteem, sadness, I feel the same. And that in turn makes me feel guilty, and angry with myself for suggesting that she never felt that way for me. I know she did.

 

Hosswhipra, you are a VERY sweet, attractive girl. I am surprised that you haven't found it yet. I guess I can understand that its difficult to find, when people as shy/introverted as both you and I really never 'look'.

 

Keep smiling, and you will find it. Probably when you least expect it.

[Jjasonn28]

Good Morning..

 

I havent actually fallen asleep... again. Its 4:57am and ive crawled out of bed to try to stop the thoughts. I suppose posting here isn't really accomplishing that. But, I am mildly soothed by it none the less. I think I may wake my puppy up and take a walk. Maybe go get a coffee.

 

Silence it seems, nurtures these sad emotions. Is there an escape anywhere? Ive tried listening to music to no avail. Most of the music I have on my computer was burned there by her when we lived together. Mostly her songs, or songs we both enjoy. So, even in music I think of her. Its a heart breaking cycle that I'm stuck in at the moment.

 

I wish she was in my arms this morning.

[Jjasonn28]

Hi everyone.

 

Just thought maybe some of you would like to know that I will be getting together with the ex tomorrow. She called this morning, and asked if tomorrow was a good time for me and if so, she would take a bus up in the morning to spend the day with Parker and I.

 

As you can imagine, my nerves are wrecked. I am REALLY looking forward to seeing her, and at the same time I am scared. Im not sure whats going to happen. Whats going to be said, or whats not going to be said. I dont have anything scripted. I figure I'll just see how things go.

 

She sounded very excited to be seeing us. She said she doesn't want to wait another week, and that its like christmas all over..... "only one more sleep!!"

 

So, wish me luck. I may need it. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Good luck, JP. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you two.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello.

 

Well, she called this morning. Bright and early, and was sad to say that she couldn't visit today. She had to work at 5:00pm today, and there were only two available times a bus traveled from her city to mine. One at 8:30am, which she couldn't catch because of a morning appointment with her academic councelor, and the other at 1:30pm, which would be a little late for her to take.

 

Anyways, she apologized, for not being able to make the trip today. She also said that she knows she said she would put in an effort to come see me, (which she said about 3 months ago) but she is finding it difficult to find the time between her work schedule, her church obligations and of course coordinating it all with the bus schedule.

 

She then asked, if I would come down to her, as she doesn't want to wait any longer, and lets face it, it IS easier for me.

 

Is it a little stubborn, or selfish of me to want her to put that effort in, even if it is easier for me to go down and see her? I know, that if she had a car, or even enough extra cash to rent one, she would. I don't doubt her intents. There is just something that is wishing that in some way, she would reach out to me. I know she misses me. I can hear it in her voice. But if I go down to see her tomorrow, am I just being 'predictable'? I'd like to think of it more as 'dependable', but my perspective is somewhat fogged with emotion.

 

I dont know what I should do. I mean, what really, is the point NOW, of her putting that effort in? Or even of me wanting or expecting an effort. Didn't all that disappear when she decided to move on? And if so, why is SHE still concerned with putting in an effort... to ease her guilt?

 

I want to see her. I miss her. Any ideas?

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

I definitely do not think that you're being stubborn or selfish to want her to put in some effort. I would feel the same way as you do; as it would kind of "proove" that the person really wanted/desired to see me as much as I wanted to see them. Did she have to schedule the academic appointment today (on the same day she had already said she'd come visit you?).

 

She already knows you're dependable, JP. So, I don't think you necessarily have to show her that by visiting her tomorrow. Make her wait a couple days if you drive to visit her! You and her need to set up definite plans to see each other (and she needs to stick to them--as you always do). I don't think she's being fair to set up plans and then cancel them the day she's supposed to visit. However, if she had no other choice of time to meet with her academic counselor, then I can understand why she canceled.

 

Hang in there, JP. I still have my fingers crossed

[WildChild]

I agree.

 

On a further note though, I understand and empathize with you that she needs to put more effort forward, more like put her words into action. I have to ask though, what would and what are the intentions of meeting with her JP? That is something you need to ask yourself. Keeping in mind you both miss each other, you need to decide for yourself what this meeting is for. Is it so that you can finally see her face to face? Is it so you can put closure on certain things? Find out where things stand? Regardless of if she makes the effort to come and see you, at no point right now do either of you owe the other one any sort of obligation. Your hesitancy to jump in your car to see her I think is speaking a million words right now. If it were just for the mere fact of seeing her smiling face, you would go. So I again want to ask you to reach into your heart and soul and figure out the answer, no matter how scary it is to do so or how scary the answer may be. At some point your mind needs to be eased, and this purgatory needs to know direction. And only then will you know where to go from there. Godspeed.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello

 

Thanks for your replies.

 

 

Well, this morning, I got into my truck, and drove down to her house. We talked last night, and she asked again if I would come down, so I told her I would be down for breakfast.

 

Wildchild, todays meeting was just that. To get together because we miss eachother, and just wanted to be together. To see her smile. I had no intentions of gaining closure, or getting involved in a conversation about where we stand, or whats happening. Simply, I just wanted to spend some time with her.

 

I got there around 9:00 am. She was waiting at the door when I pulled up, and when Parker saw her, he started to cry. I let him out and he nearly tackled her. Seeing that was wonderful. She then came to me, and gave me a great hug. I cant tell you how wonderful it felt.

 

Instead of going out for breakfast, she suggested that we stay in, and make one. So, we did, and immediately things just seemed... right. It didn't take long for us both to be laughing together again. She made some coffee, and I cooked the breakfast.

 

Afterwards, she had the idea of taking Parker for a drive, down to the beach. It was a real beautiful day, and I couldn't think of anything more perfect. We spent a few hours just walking down the shore line, talking, and throwing sticks into the lake for Parker and collected a few stones. We stopped along the beach at a little restaurant that has GREAT french fries and fried Perch. We split a small serving though we were both still pretty full from the breakfast.

 

Finally, on our way back to her house, we stopped at a nursery. She was very excited to buy a couple plants so she could start her gardens outside. We walked around there for an hour or so, she picked a few plants and flowers and I decided that I would buy them for her.

 

All day, she was smiles, as was I. The dynamic between us was really great. There wasn't any outward flirting, but we were close. She put her head on my shoulder a few times, and when we were sitting on her couch at home, she curled up right beside me.

 

Then the goodbye. We dropped the flowers off at her house, and I then drove her to work. When I parked the truck, she looked nervous. She said 'I hate this part.' I could see that she was about to cry, so I quickly spoke up and told her that there is nothing to be sad about. That we had a wonderful day together, and its something we should be happy for. I gave her a big smile, and a hug and thanked her for her company.

 

Then I drove myself home.

 

 

So all in all, a very happy day. I went down to spend time with her and enjoy the day. There was no other reason, and I think the day was spent well. We did have a few discussions about 'us', but nothing too deep. I told her that at some point I would like to sit down and have a good conversation about things. She agreed, and mentioned how she WILL be coming up to visit me. That I could count on it. And I know she will.

 

So for now, I am content. I saw her for the first time in 3 months, and it was just a perfect day. We did the things that we enjoy doing together, we were talking well, and genuinely happy to be in eachothers company. Now I wont lie... After I dropped her off, (about halfway home) My heart got the best of me for a couple minutes, and I cried a little. But I quickly shook that off.

 

I'm not sure whats going to happen with 'us'. But I can see that her and I are coming together, and at some point, will come to a 'conclusion'. Be it in tandem, or in parting. Either way, though I don't want things to drag out, I also don't want to rush, or force anything.

 

And for tonight, I will be content in knowing that we still mean so much to eachother. And regardless where things go from here, it has been a privelage to have shared such a wonderful bond, with such a special woman.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Quick update..

 

I didn't realize until this morning, but Friday night, actualy... Saturday morning, at about 2:30 am, she called. I was sleeping, and I guess was having such a great sleep, didn't hear the phone. Anyhow, she had just got off work, and wanted to thank me for the great day. She said she saw the flowers when she got in, and they made her smile. I havent checked my messages all weekend, as I've been pretty busy. I went to a Diabetes benefit dance on Saturday night, and the pre game was a barbeque at my friends house in the afternoon.

 

Today, I went to see my neice receive her first communion. Normally, and in the past, churches have made me feel a little awkward. No, not a little... very. My parents didn't really take us to church as kids, so I havent much understood it completely. Then of course, as I got older I started to form my own opinons and for the most part, they were negative.

 

Well, today something was different. Today, I wanted to go. Primarily, because I really wanted to see my neice, and be there for her. Today, I wasn't shaking, or nervous. I will admit I have been very closed to religion and church. And unfairly so. And as I sat alone with a pew all to myself, I took the opportunity to just observe. The people around me, the happenings, and carefully listen to what was being said. And during this time, I saw something that I will never forget.

 

Up near the front, was an older couple. The woman, was confined to a wheel chair, and suffered from some type of mental illness. And the man beside her, who I assume was her husband, sat close, holding her hand, as they both smiled and enjoyed the service. When the children went to the front of the church, the woman began to cry, and one of the little girls smiled and waved at her. She was so overcome with joy. Her husband, then started to weep himself, and gave his wife a strong embrace. It was so touching.

 

I sat there alone, and witnessed what I can only describe as true love. The love of family. The sense of community and happyness that we take for granted every day. Not because we intend to, but because life has become so hectic, that today, its hard to find the time to stop and smell the roses.

 

And as I watched this take place. I could feel myself begin to tear up. This, is what I'm looking for. A life filled with the joy of family and community. I want to enjoy sunny Sunday afternoons. We place so much emphasis in the importance of 'success'. And its sad. Because thick or thin, dark or light.. we will always have family.

[WildChild]

Alright JP! I am SO happy to hear you finally made the move to go and see her, and it was a great time for both of you. I'm sure there has to be some sort of weight off of your shoulders! I was happy to read that you did get in your truck to go see her, I was concerned that you were waiting for her to make the move and what that might have meant. Hope your weekend continued to go as good, and glad to hear you are enjoying the other aspects of your life too

[Jjasonn28]

I was happy to read that you did get in your truck to go see her, I was concerned that you were waiting for her to make the move and what that might have meant.

 

Hi Wildchild.

 

I will admit that I was waiting for her. But it didn't mean anything more than wanting to believe that she actually DID miss me and wanted to see me. I guess an actions versus words thing.

 

But having her call me, asking me to visit her even though she remembered that she said she would put in an effort, was good enough for me. She reached out.

 

Hope your weekend continued to go as good, and glad to hear you are enjoying the other aspects of your life too

 

I had a very good weekend. Following my neice's communion, there was a get together at my brothers house. Do you remember my sister in law's friend who had an interest in me? She was there. And because I know we weren't there to be 'set up' I really enjoyed myself, and did have a few good conversations with her. My first real impression of her, is a good one She has a great laugh, and a great sense of humor. She seems real down to earth... She was dressed very nice for the communion, looked great, and afterwards changed into her comfy clothes, and looked just as good. (I'm a sucker for the sweater and jeans look.)

 

So yeah, my weekend although a little hectic, was very fun. The great day that I spent with my ex seemed to carry on right through, and is still going! I am just much happier than normal. Content maybe? I dunno.

 

And on a final note, the ex called again. She left yet another message, as I wasn't around to anwer. She knew about the communion on Sunday, and was really looking forward to talking to me, and hearing about how everything went. I don't know if it slipped or what, but she called me 'hun' in the message. I know... don't read into any of that. And I'm trying my best not to. But its impossible not to think about it a little? I am only human.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone.

 

So, mothers day is approaching. This is one of the more difficult holidays for me to face without the ex. Reason being, our puppy. Ever since we adopted him, I made a big deal out of Mothers Day. When he came into our lives, it was as though we were a family.

 

She is his mommy. She always will be. Thats how he knows her. When I say, 'wheres mommy?' his tail goes crazy and he sticks his nose on the patio door looking for her. When I listen to messages from her over the speaker phone, he goes really insane. Starts running around looking for her, and whimpering. Its so sweet.

 

So last mothers day, I wrote two cards. One from me, and one from parker. I even used his paw to sign his card I know.. cheesy. Well, thats me I guess. I then wrapped a big bow around him, and went down to visit her. When she saw him running at her with a big bow, she cried. She was so happy.

 

Anyways, I dont know what to do this year. I mean, should I do anything? I dont want her to feel as though she is no longer his mommy, because that would hurt her. I know how much she loves and misses him, and it would probably mean a lot to acknowledge that she is still his number one girl. Obviously, I can't go all out. Perhaps leaving a message on mothers day? I can make him speak so that she can hear him... I dunno.

 

I want her to know she is still special, but I dont want to go overboard....

 

JP

[WildChild]

Hey JP...haven't been on at all this week so this is the first I've read since my last post. So that gal was there Kinda fun to have something to divert things once in a while You read my mind about Mother's Day. Have pup-pup leave a message. That shows you were thinking of her, yet in an indirect way, and she gets to hear from her "baby".

[hosswhispra]

 

So last mothers day, I wrote two cards. One from me, and one from parker. I even used his paw to sign his card I know.. cheesy. Well, thats me I guess. I then wrapped a big bow around him, and went down to visit her. When she saw him running at her with a big bow, she cried. She was so happy.

 

JP

 

That was so sweet JP I agree with Parker leaving a message Very sweet.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello.

 

I just got off the phone with the ex. She hasn't called this late (or early) in quite some time. The phone startled me to tell you the truth, and I was worried something was wrong.

 

She had just returned home from work. She called because she had a pretty good evening, and wanted to share it with me. After her shift, she stayed and had some wine at the bar, and socialized a bit. I guess she met a few people, and one person turned out to be a great contact for her in regards to future employment.

 

I could tell that she was a little tipsy, and at the point where she was getting tired. We talked about her night, and she asked about how Parker and I are doing. Again, she thanked me for last weekend, and said that it was perfect. She had a wonderful time, and has been thinking of us a lot.

 

I was thinking to myself earlier, how great it would be to hear her voice again... its funny how things work. While we were talking, she changed and got into bed. She wanted to know more about my week, and I began to tell her when I realized she had drifted off!

 

Hah. I called her name a few times, then after about a minute or so, she awoke. I know she is tired, I mean it is late, and she had drank a little wine, so I was not offended in any way. In fact, I thought it was cute. The last time she fell asleep with me on the phone was near the beginning of our relationship. When we would talk for hours until the early morning. Anyhow, she apologized, I told her that it was quite alright. She asked that I please not be angry. I reassured her, told her we will talk again soon, and wished her sweet dreams.

 

I know it may not seem like much. But talking to her for that short while made my day. In fact, it probably made my weekend. I will fall asleep with a smile tonight, knowing that she still thinks of me and on some level cares for me.

[Jjasonn28]

Just another quick update..

 

She called again yesterday. Twice. In the morning she left a message, just to say hi, and that she hopes I am sleeping well. The second was at midnight, again after her shift at work. We talked for about half hour. Nothing out of the ordinary. She told me about the city library that she has come to prefer over the school library. She seemed pretty excited about it, and asked if I would go there with her when I'm down next. I just told her that if the opportunity presents itself, then of course I would. Going to library's, bookstore's etc was another thing we like to do together. Browseing books and magazines usually brought up a lot of interesting conversations.

 

Anyhow, she knows that the hockey season starts back up this week, and she is excited for me. She said she is going to come up and watch a game. I would really like that. Of course, it would make me nervous, and probably be my worst game ever But I dont care. I still just really miss her, and enjoy spending even just a little time with her. Oh.. she also mentioned getting together for a barbeque...

 

All good things. So I am rather content. I applied for a couple jobs that would be great for my career. I dont really plan on getting them, but hey, put myself out there right? Eventually, thats where I want to be, and I will get there. Just gonna take some time.

 

So thats my rant for the day. Take Care!

[7tInNC]

Ex can be a wonderful friend, if that is what is to be, but the real complication comes when ex as a friend is seen as competing with current partner. I've had this situation on and off again for over 21 years (married for 20 to same partner). Sounds like this may not be the way things are headed for you, but if they do, here's a story of move to friendship that I moved to another area where more apropos.

 

Hope this helps you in thinking down the road if your ex stays a best friend. And here's hoping that your current work on this relationship meets both your needs! This forum can be a place to post thoughts that are hard to get feedback on outside of a professional counselor!

 

Best, Mark

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks for your encouragement. I read that post, and I can see the potential trouble in having an ex for a friend. The thing is, for now we are friends. I don't know whats going to happen down the road. Its a wonderful idea that if nothing else, we can keep our bond by being friends forever... But how realistic is that really?

 

 

That being said, this is where I am. We are friends.. and I love her. We broke up four and a half months ago, and I love her no less today than I did in January. If anything.. I may even love her more... or consciously realize it anyhow.

 

But not matter how great it feels to talk with her, and how wonderful it is to see her from time to time, being her friend is hurting me. Ive known this for a little while, yet I still hang on. I hang on because I am afraid. Simply put, she is wonderful. Sure she has flaws, everyone does. But everything I respect and love about her, overshadows those flaws. In a word, I guess.. inspiring. She makes me want to be a bigger, better person.

 

And I'm afraid of letting go. I've said it a few times that it would be a tragedy. We have so much respect for eachother, and care about eachother immensly. Saying good bye, forever gives me such an overwhelming sense of emptyness... like I would be losing a part of me.

 

As the days roll by, I am beginning to see this as my only option. I think, as long as we stay friends, it will be impossible for me to move on. She called again tonight, and the conversation was a little odd. She was a little sad. She told me that she is a little confused, and her faith is being challenged. I didn't want to get into details, and I'm sure she didn't either. So I just told her to hang in there and keep fightin. The most rewarding accomplishments are those that we work hardest to attain. I told her to keep smiling, because good things, happen to good people. She was silent for a while, and then asked if I thought she was 'good people', even after she hurt me. I told her the truth. That if I didn't think she was a good person, I would have walked away without a thought after we broke up. She never hurt me intentionally. I mean... well, you know what I mean. Again, she paused, and then told me that she misses me so much, and would like to see me again soon.

 

I agreed to see her. There are a few things that I want to share with her, before I sit down and say good bye. As most of you know, hockey has become very important to me. The league starts up this week, (pre season anyhow) and I want her to at least see me play once. She also asked that I come to her graduation... Im not sure when that will be though. I would LOVE to see her graduate. Her schooling has been so important to her, and she has fought so hard to get through it, that it would make me proud to see that smile on her face.. But how can I be there, if I say goodbye? Is it wrong for me to want to be there? Is it wrong for her to want me to be there?

 

As you can tell, Im still quite confused by the whole situation. My heart has control over me. I know that saying goodbye is what i SHOULD do.. But its so hard. I mean, watching her say good bye to Parker would KILL me. Sheesh.. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Who am I to take them away from eachother.

 

WHY IS IT SO COMPLICATED?

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

I think you need to ask yourself the question: "What do I want out of this relationship?"

 

You and her are not dating other people right now---so in essense it is like you too are still together (in my opinion--I feel like your relationship never ended---I think it's just being tested and you're going through a rough time).

 

I think you just want to see more of her (which is fine); does she know this (maybe she is not sure about how frequently you want to see her)? She must have interest in you JP---because I don't think she would be calling you as frequently as she calls you........she seems to initiate all the phone calls--am I right?