Conversation with the ex

[WildChild]

Morning JP. IMHO I think you need to continue to do things as you are, at least for now. Given your recent conversations with her there may be some "figuring" things out for her yet. In all of this, you are continuing to redefine your thoughts etc... and I think that is the most important. I obviously think she still loves you, and she has a lot going on right now. But I would hate to see you start slipping in the steps you have made for yourself, meaning because you don't know what any of this means and if things don't work out you have put yourself back to where you were 3 months ago only this time it is going to hurt worse. At some point, as I have mentioned before, you two are going to have to talk about where this might lead. I don't think she's in that position because of her schedule, but you will know when you feel it's right.

 

BTW, what happened the weekend your sis-n-law's friend came over for another get together??

[Jjasonn28]

Good Morning WildChild

 

Keep chuggin away huh.... you are right. For some reason, I'm looking for the 'next step'. Thanks for the reminder that when everything is right, it will come to me.

 

BTW, what happened the weekend your sis-n-law's friend came over for another get together??

 

It didn't happen. I guess my sister-in-law forgot that she had to work the evening shift all weekend. So, it looks as though something might transpire this weekend instead... we'll see. In any case.. I'll let you know when something does happen.

 

Thanks!!

[Jjasonn28]

You are just a damn genuine guy and I think its amazing that it shows through so well even through the internet.

 

Hey Icemotoboy.

 

Thank you very much for the compliment! I am glad you enjoy reading the thread, and though you dont have advice, I still appreciate that you have 'posted' your regards and support! Thanks man.

 

Reading your story is like watching ross and rachel off friends... you know... the two everyone always wants to see reconcille.

 

Except Im not a geek paleontologist!! LOL just kidding. Actually, it's funny you should mention that. When her and I lived together, we would watch that show together often. Ahhh, another memory that makes me smile.

[hosswhispra]

Dude I love reading your thread. You have so much capacity to love, more than anyone else I have seen. You are just a damn genuine guy and I think its amazing that it shows through so well even through the internet.

 

I share the same sentiment with icemotoboy.

 

Sometimes, with true love there are times when the other partner seems distant. It's like you want to be there for that person, but you are wondering are they distant because they don't love me anymore, or are they distant because they have a whole lot on their plate going on. This is where your faith and trust in the relationship has to kick in. It's way easier said than done. But I will always believe that if it is true love and it's meant to be, it will return.

[Jjasonn28]

This is where your faith and trust in the relationship has to kick in. It's way easier said than done.

 

You are so right about it being easier said than done. Keeping faith and trust in the relationship, or in that love, can be very dangerous. I DO believe in everything that I am feeling. But by not taking precautions, I could end up being blind sided by an even stronger emotional hurt.

 

I believe in my love for her, and hers for me. And I want to believe that if its 'true', then it will be. So I guess, this is the test? I pray that what I am going through will end up just that - a perfect example of true love working the way its 'supposed to'.

 

So, I keep living my life, search for answers, learn lessons, try and become a better man, at the same time keeping the faith.

[kadvati79]

Boy is it ever a leap of faith. Only time will tell whether it is a "fools" leap of faith or a "lovers" leap of faith.

 

But you know what? If I have to be guilty of something let it be loving someone. Beyond distance and breakup, situation and circumstance, so completely, that you want them to be happy to whatever end. Hoping (of course) that the end is you.

 

There are truly few that we really connect with I believe. And by REALLY connect I mean the shared hobbies, sharing of lives, complementing personalities, open communication, sharing of secrets, while retaining a sense of ones self. That true partnership. I had it for one year then it all began to unravell in a series of specticals. It happened so slowly that I barely noticed it until the end then it all made sense.

[Jjasonn28]

If I have to be guilty of something let it be loving someone. Beyond distance and breakup, situation and circumstance, so completely, that you want them to be happy to whatever end. Hoping (of course) that the end is you.

 

Very well said.

 

 

Keeping the faith.. hoping that the end is us. [-o

 

Cheers.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone.

 

So I was doing a little organizing around the apartment, and came accross a book, that I havent seen for a few years. Its a book full of my writing. I went through a phase, where every day, for about 6 months, before I went to bed, I just wrote. Whatever was on my mind, I wrote about it.

 

I was browsing through some of the writings, and came upon two entries that really tugged at my heart. The first one, was the day that I met my ex. And i wrote about her. The day we were introduced. It was eerie to read this. Talking about her as though she was a stranger, who even then, stirred enough emotion in me to write about her.

 

The second, was on a monday following the weekend her and I first hooked up. We went to a mutual friends cottage. And not long after getting there, we were just drawn to eachother. We ended up haging out all weekend... fishing, playing cards, scrabble and talking. I was so shy, and she could tell, but once we started talking, everything just felt so easy, and so right. It seemed as though, we had been best friends forever, and really it was the first time we ever hung out. When the weekend was over, I got home, and wrote about how wondeful the weekend was, and of course about how special she is. I wasn't really sure about how she felt for me, but I knew then, that what I felt was beyond attraction and a crush.

 

That was the last entry in the book. Just so you know, a couple days later, she arrived at my house, and wanted to talk. You can imagine that my heart jumped into my throat. She confessed feeling very drawn to me, and hoped that the weekend could continue. That we could spend more time together...

 

And that was the beginning. Of something that would change my life forever. Thinking back, though I hurt now, and miss her greatly, I am SO grateful for having experienced what many people look for. Finding the one, and falling in love. It was so natural and instinctively easy that I have no doubts about that statement.

 

And now, having reflected on our time together, I am pulled in many directions by my emotions. I truly am happy that I was able to experience that, and I am so sad that I can no longer hold her hand. I took parker for a walk, and watched the sun go down tonight. I wonder, if she saw the same sunset? If I could have shared it with her, it would have been a perfect evening. But unable to, I feel empty.

 

I hope she knows I love her.

 

 

 

Thanks for putting up with my thoughts.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hi again

 

I have a question. I saved the last voicemail that the ex left. (Easter weekend.) I'm not sure why I saved it. Guess its hard to let go of things for me. So anyway, today I was checking my messages, feeling a little blue, and heard that I had one saved message. I remembered that it was her, so I listened to it. It made me smile again.

 

What do you think? Was saving that message a bad idea? I mean, its not as though I listen to it repeatedly, daily. I just find that browsing photographs and stuff generally makes me sad. While hearing her voice, listening to that message puts a smile on my face. Am I a freak? I have a couple cards that I recently got from her that I read once in a while too. While they make me happy, they confuse me a little.

 

Is saving and listening to a phone message the same as saving and looking at pictures? Or is it playing to my vulnerability a little too much, and perhaps emotionally detrimental?

 

JP

[ocrob]

Hi Jjasonn28,

 

If I had a sister, then I would want her to go out with you. You are one good guy and I say that actually as a good thing. I say you should keep communicating and growing with each other and see where it goes as long as it is not too hard on you. Nobody ever knows what the other person is thinking, but I am wondering if she was putting her feelers out. I am wondering, if she was trying to gage weather you would be ok with no sex and the possibility of marriage. I know that I can't be friends with my ex because she has made up her mind and it is too hard on me. In your case, it seems the door may still be open. Maybe you could spend some personal time together and just treat it in some respects as a new relationship. Maybe you could spend time together and not push her to get back with you, but continue to communicate and spend time together. If she has not made up her mind, then spending time with you will just make her want you more. Play it safe and just be yourself with no pressure and see where it goes. Only do this, if it does not hurt too badly. Good luck.

 

robert

[patience]

Why not ask your ex to lunch?

[Jjasonn28]

If I had a sister, then I would want her to go out with you. You are one good guy and I say that actually as a good thing.

 

Thanks ocrob! I appreciate your kind words.

 

 

Maybe you could spend some personal time together and just treat it in some respects as a new relationship. Maybe you could spend time together and not push her to get back with you, but continue to communicate and spend time together.

 

I would like to. I really would. But at the moment, I am giving her the space she needs to get through the final push of the school year. I intend on continuing communication, being myself and generally be there for her. I wont 'push' her to get back together. I will not even ask. I have promised myself this. If this love IS real, then it will come back, without any begging/pleading on my part. I am doing everything I can to be a strong and better man because of all of this. Giving her time and space, supporting and encouraging her, and doing some self discovery at the same time. Its a tough balance, and keeping my emotions steady is very hard. But Im trying my best.

 

Play it safe and just be yourself with no pressure and see where it goes. Only do this, if it does not hurt too badly. Good luck.

 

I won't lie. So far, it has hurt. Sometimes it hurts very bad. I miss being a part of her life, and her mine. But, because I do believe in what I feel is real, I am willing to deal with it as it comes. If, it become too overbearing, and the negatives start outweighing the positives then I will re evalute the 'process'. If I have to, I will say good bye. I dont want to think about that, because that saddens me so much... but if the only way, is to walk away, I will.

 

Thanks for your kind words and your advice. I appreciate the support.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Why not ask your ex to lunch?

 

Well, as I have mentioned before, at the moment, she is very busy with school. We also live about an hour from one another, which makes it a little tougher.

 

Also, the last time we did get together, I mentioned, how in the last year and a half, she had only come to visit me a handful of times. She agreed, and told me that the next time we see eachother, she will make the effort to come see me.

 

She did plan to come up on a friday a couple months ago, but after borrowing her sisters car, she got a phonecall on her way here, from her sister saying that she needed her car back. So, needless to say, we didn't get to see eachother.

 

Now, I could ask her to lunch, make a weekend 'lunch date', drive down and see her. But I'm not going to. She looked me in the eye, and told me she would make an effort. Then, she cryed on the phone when she had to return her sisters car, because she was looking forward to spending the evening with us (me and Parker.. our dog..) and she hurt because she misses us, and knows that i was disappointed. Sure, I could make things easier... but Im not going to. I dont mean to sound like a jerk, because I am absolutely not trying to be one. I dunno... I'm just holding on to hope, that she WILL make that effort. And if she does... that action will mean a lot to me.

 

Does that make sense?

 

JP

[WildChild]

Hey JP. After reading some of these last few posts I decided to go back and reread some of your previous threads. I don't want to be a downer, but I fear you are slipping backwards due to the most recent conversations. I know you love her, and I believe she loves you BUT after reading when you commented months back that she says she doesn't feel the same any longer, that there is no spark there for her I am concerned that if in fact she has made personal revelations these revelations might be shared with you not because of intentions of you two working it out but because she feels she can tell you these things because you could talk like this before.

 

I'm not saying to completely shut her out (I wouldn't want to see that happen), but I think you need to limit how much you are going back and reminiscing. At the risk of repeating myself I believe you need to keep moving forward in the healing process. I guess after reading some of your posts I'm just afraid of the "what ifs". As I mentioned before to you, we don't know what any of this means. It could mean she is feeling like you two could get back together, but it could also mean that she cherishes the fact that you two do have the best friend tie between you.

 

IMHO, keep moving forward. I know (believe me!) how difficult it is, but at some point you have to concentrate not on you and her, but yourself. And if in the process of doing so she decides to give it another whirl than all the better. But if she doesn't you haven't lost all of the healing you have worked through. Take care of yourself.

[patience]

JP,

 

Given what you said, yes, she should make the effort.

 

Maybe ask someone new to lunch or coffee?

 

You have a lot of love to offer, and there are plenty of women out there who would welcome attention from you!

[Jjasonn28]

I guess after reading some of your posts I'm just afraid of the "what ifs". As I mentioned before to you, we don't know what any of this means. It could mean she is feeling like you two could get back together, but it could also mean that she cherishes the fact that you two do have the best friend tie between you.

 

IMHO, keep moving forward. I know (believe me!) how difficult it is, but at some point you have to concentrate not on you and her, but yourself. And if in the process of doing so she decides to give it another whirl than all the better. But if she doesn't you haven't lost all of the healing you have worked through. Take care of yourself.

Hi again WildChild.

 

I read your post on friday, and have taken the weekend to really think about things. Your observations, perspective and advice is very thought provoking. And most appreciated.

 

I see where you are coming from, and I agree with your concerns. So I spent some time, and tryed to figure out what it is I really want to do. Of course I want to continue to heal. I feel I have been, but progress definitely has been slowed by continuing to be involved in relations of any sort with my ex.

I am doing my best to keep hope down, but in this situation, it is impossible to completely eliminate it. Communicating with her, analyzing things, reflecting on the past, isn't exactly making it easy to heal and move on.

So when I ask myself what I really want, I can only come up with this. I want to be happy. But also, and equally - I want her to be happy. So is there a chance for having both? Most likely not. Especially if we are walking in different directions.

 

I know what would make me happy, but honestly, I don't know what would make her happy. Im sure she's quite content to stay on the track we're running now.... but no matter how nice it is to hear her voice, or see her smile... it still tears me apart emotionaly, and I am nowhere near being happy. I smile now and then, even have a laugh... but the absolute truth is, I'm lost. And not sharing my life with her, hurts immensly. And every hour it seems, I am reminded of that.

 

It seems as though my greatest fear, of losing her completely, may be the only solution to this situation. If that is the way, then it will be very sad. It WILL be a tragedy. I have no doubts, that it will hurt us both, very much. But is that the price we must pay to find happyness? Or is it selfish of me to suggest such a concept?

 

I really dont know whats going to happen. I do know, that before any major decision like this is made, I need to clear a few things up with her first. I guess... closure, if you will. I am afraid to think of my life without her. It scares me so much. The thought that I may not be there to see her graduate... makes me want to cry. I love her.

 

But I will promise this: If the only way, is to walk away... then I will. If I have to say goodbye, though it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I will.

 

Time will tell. She has 3 exams left, then the stress of school will be gone. Until then, I will just continue to stand quiet. Continue the way things are. Trying to heal, but loving her still the same.

 

JP

[tylercdurden2004]

So when I ask myself what I really want, I can only come up with this. I want to be happy. But also, and equally - I want her to be happy. So is there a chance for having both? Most likely not. Especially if we are walking in different directions.

 

The fact that you "equally" want her to be happy worries me a bit. Its great to want her to be happy but should you really value her happiness as much as you value you yours. I dont think so.

 

I know what would make me happy, but honestly, I don't know what would make her happy.

 

Only she knows what can make her happy and in reality it is very much a matter of attitude how happy someone is. You cannot bring her happiness,you can only present her with the oppotunity to take advantage of a situtation (your relationship) that may bring her happiness. Ultimately it is her decision, not yours, to take advantage of situations that will bring her happiness. If she really thought the relationship was a situation that would bring her happiness would she not take advantage of that?

 

It seems as though my greatest fear, of losing her completely, may be the only solution to this situation. If that is the way, then it will be very sad. It WILL be a tragedy. I have no doubts, that it will hurt us both, very much. But is that the price we must pay to find happyness? Or is it selfish of me to suggest such a concept?

 

 

Its not selfish at all, in fact humans are selfish by nature, its the principal of self-preservation. You have to take care of yourself and act in an ethical manner. Ultimately you need to make sure you are happy, not her, thats her business and you will run yourself into the ground trying to "give" her happiness. At this point her "hapiness" factor should not even be a consideration for you. As you have said all this is just holding you back. How can you really be there for someone else if you cant be there for yourself first?

[Jjasonn28]

Ultimately you need to make sure you are happy, not her, thats her business and you will run yourself into the ground trying to "give" her happiness. At this point her "hapiness" factor should not even be a consideration for you. As you have said all this is just holding you back. How can you really be there for someone else if you cant be there for yourself first?

Hey Tyler

 

I know. I know this to be true. My happyness should be my priority. I am just still so lost in the confusion of sad awkwardness of no longer being her partner.

 

I guess hope as a stronger hold on me then I want. As hard as I try to keep it tamed, something always stirs it up within me. Take today for instance. She called in the afternoon, unexpected. She said that she was taking a break from studying for a few minutes, and wanted to call me because she misses the sound of my voice. She sounded so happy to talk to me.. and I was happy to hear from her..

 

It made me feel good. And I wont lie, no matter how much I tell myself, 'its just a friendly phonecall', it does give me a little hope. And its not just the things she says, but its also in the tone of her voice. Something, is still there.

 

I often wonder if perhaps its just habit? I wonder if its possible that she 'misses the sound of my voice', or 'wishes we could be sitting down to a nice dinner' purely out of habit. Deep down, I dont think its habit at all. I really can feel her still. And perhaps thats why I do find hope in small doses here and there.

 

Well, regardless. These next couple/few weeks will more than likely decide my fate. OUR fate. I am holding on for now. I pray that this is all happening for a reason. That somewhere down the line, is an even GREATER happyness and love awaiting. I do so sincerely hope that if this is the case, that it is something that will be shared with her. But if not.. then may I see the reasons, understand them, and believe them.

[WildChild]

I know that she is extremely busy, but I am almost at the point of telling you to ask her just to be straight with you. I mean, she tells you she needs to hear your voice, and then what happens in the end she only wants to be friends, and never had any intentions of getting back together? She owes it to you to be honest with you no matter how busy she is. You don't comment things like that and expect you not to be getting hopeful. I think now is the time JP. For your sake, find out (in your way and/or words) what her intentions are. Put rest to this all.

[Jjasonn28]

. I think now is the time JP. For your sake, find out (in your way and/or words) what her intentions are. Put rest to this all.

 

Hello again WildChild.

 

This is her final week of studying/exams. So I will wait until she is done before bringing this up. I know putting things to rest is what I need, but I dont want her to lose focus and possibly not do well on an exam or two. Some people may say 'who cares', 'its not about her anymore'... but thats just not me.

 

She left another message today. In this one, she said that she is very busy, and hopes to talk to me soon, and as a 'reward' to herself, when her exams are done, she is coming down to see us.

 

That message implies that Parker and I are a GOOD thing. An Indulgince if you will. It implies a little hope, and you are right... its not fair. I dont think she is leading me on, or at least consciously trying to. She is not like that. No matter... something has to change.

 

Soon enough.

[WildChild]

No, I don't think she is leading you on, and I honestly mean that. I just hope that without ill intentions her comments are not meant platonically so to speak. If she indeed plans on coming to see you and the pup, then that might be the time (depending on the moment) to bring this up. If she doesn't than a trip up to see her might have to be in the makes even if that is the last thing you wanted to do. Regardless, I think it is important that you care about her grades/classes. For those who think it isn't, he loves her for goodness sake. Whether they are together or not, if he loves her than the same respect should be shown even if they aren't together. OK, that is my preach for this hour LOL

[Jjasonn28]

Hi WildChild.

 

Thanks again, for your insight. I have no doubts that she will be coming to see me after exams. I don't know why, but I just know it. She will most likely take a bus here, and I will drive her home. So, I think the day she comes here, will most likely not be the best day to talk to her about this. Only because there will be an hour in the car ride back to her place which could be very awkward.

 

So, when she comes, I will talk to her about some stuff. About the physical affection issues, and how I feel about it all. I guess, to get some closure. However, I don't want to get too deeply involved in these conversations with her while she is here. Honestly, I think I'll just spend the day enjoying her company, by having fun and just being her best friend. We were always, really good at that.

 

After that, I'll make a plan to see her, where I can discuss everything in depth with her. This way, if we end up saying good-bye.. its just me in the car on the way home. Does this make sense?

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hi guys.

 

Im simply posting because I am having a bad evening. The day was going fine. Took Parker out for a walk, went to dinner with a friend, met up with some other friends for coffee. I was feeling pretty good.

 

Then I came home and things changed. I do not know why. I just sat down on the couch with Parker, and I was suddenly overcome by an overwhelming feeling of distance. I haven't spoken with the ex in a week. I guess this is all normal, but its still hard to deal with. And tonights feeling was strangely different than simply missing her. Its hard to explain...

 

A photograph in a shoebox.. thats how I feel. Though I have so much love for her, I am having intense feelings that I have been cast aside. Thought of as nothing more than a past and without hesitationm, Packed away into the closet with other memories... to be forgotten about. Does this make sense?

 

Its such a horrible feeling, and I really just want to sleep, and never wake up. Its so draining, to wake up each morning, and start the day with a reminder that I really don't mean that much. Of course there are people who care about me, and who I care about. But the confidence killer of loving someone so deeply, and being pushed aside takes reign of all my emotions.

 

I know I'm not perfect. Nor is she. Nobody is perfect. But I wonder if what I have to offer, will ever be good enough.

[hosswhispra]

Its such a horrible feeling, and I really just want to sleep, and never wake up. Its so draining, to wake up each morning, and start the day with a reminder that I really don't mean that much. Of course there are people who care about me, and who I care about. But the confidence killer of loving someone so deeply, and being pushed aside takes reign of all my emotions.

 

Sorry for the crummy evening you had last night, JP. Now that it is near the end of exams for her, it will be interesting to see what happens after the exams are over. It will be hard to ride out this current wave of emotions you are feeling. However, if things remain as they currently are (after her exams), you are going to have to make a decision that is best for *YOU*--and only you will know what that is.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello, and thanks Hosswhipra.

 

Yeah. Something going to happen.. and it scares me. She left me another message this morning. Letting me know that her exams are all done, and that she was feeling very good about them, and very relieved to be finished. She also said that she is thinking about taking a bus, and coming to visit on Tuesday.... she'll let me know.

 

Well, I guess there is nothing more at this point I can do. Just wait.

 

 

I'll keep everyone updated..