Conversation with the ex

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

I'm glad to see you're feeling better and things are looking up. Congrats on the new job. It's a good thing to keep yourself busy so you're not thinking about the ex as much. I know I know...it's easier said than done.

 

I hope you'll be able to find an answer when you talk to your ex. It seems you've been in major conflict these last couple months with deciding to move on and not look back or to keep your ex in your life. It is a tough decision and I think you deserve an answer once and for all. It's good you realize that you'll settle for nothing less than romantic relationship with her, and that being 'just friends' is not an option at this time. I doesn't mean that you can't be friends down the road.

 

Don't forget to PUT YOURSELF FIRST!! Putting your needs first is a sign you have grown and learnt alot about yourself during this difficult time. Remember, you're ex broke up with you because she was putting her needs first, right? You need to do the same and don't think it's being selfish. If she can't offer you what you want and need, then you'll find some one who will.

 

Keep your head up buddy. We're all rooting for ya!

 

DP

 

"Living in the past prevents growth in the future"

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks again Pedro.

 

I am feeling better about myself. I realize that I have to put myself first, and am trying to do just that. New work opportunities, increased involvement in hockey, re-socializing myself with my circle of friends and family again... I am trying. Still, feeling empty.. you know?

 

I took Parker out tonight to the baseball diamond. We sat in left field and watched the sun go down over the trees. It was nice.. but sad at the same time. I guess I'm just a sorry sap. As relaxing as the evening was, as hard as Parker made me laugh, it just didn't feel complete. There is still a gaping hole in my life, and its hard to ignore.

 

Will busying myself with all these activities make that hole disappear? or just temporarily conceal it. Out of sight - Out of mind?

 

I guess there is no real answer. As a new week starts tomorrow, I will hope for the best, and just take things one minute at a time.

[Jjasonn28]

Hey all.

 

After coming home from work, I received an email from Jenn, and I am a little troubled by it.

 

It is as if all of a sudden, there is no emotion in her communication. Okay, I know I shouldn't be expecting things, but this email just didn't seem like her. I mean, I know she wrote it, but it was so very bland. For the first time in years, she began it with a simple, Hi. (Instead of the usual HI BABE!) and she signed it, Jennifer. (This is really strange, as we havent used first names with eachother since perhaps the first day we were introduced. She wrote to let me know that her phone lines are down again, but she is doing great, and soon enough we will get to see eachother. That was about it.

 

Am I just reading too much into this? I cant help but feel overwhelmed by a sudden sense of distance. More than normal. As though, we are merely acquaintance's, or co workers...

 

Sure, she at least took the time to write me, which is a rareity in itself. But that seems to be overshadowed by the tone of the email.

 

Tell me I'm overreacting!! Tell me I'm just a messed up emotional wreck, and that these thoughts are signs that I am in the first stages of going CRAZY. I guess a million phsychiatrists would give me a million different answers, and I'm sure none would be the one I most want to hear...

 

Hmm. Perhaps I'll just chalk it up to anxiety due to stress. But still, not seeing the familiar stuff hurts. Its kind of like how Im sure it would feel if when we greet eachother on our next visit, she extends a hand to shake, instead of her arms for a hug.

 

Just wrong.

[melrich]

Tell me I'm overreacting!! Tell me I'm just a messed up emotional wreck, and that these thoughts are signs that I am in the first stages of going CRAZY. I guess a million phsychiatrists would give me a million different answers, and I'm sure none would be the one I most want to hear...

 

If it is the first time she has changed the way she is greeting you then I suppose it is natural for that to cause some emotions in you.

 

It has been over 6 months now and you would expect that she would have started to feel some sense of your relationship now being in the past rather than still being an ongoing unresolved issue.

 

I know it's hard but there needs to come a time when you stop talking to each other and addressing each other as though there is still a quasi-relationship going on. That just drags things out for that much longer.

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

I am not too worried with her last email to you...I honestly think that she is insecure about the way you feel about her. She may be wrongly sensing distance from you and thereforeeee reacting to it by sending (what you sense) to be a formal email.

 

Do not be shaken.

 

I am still thinking positively. I believe that when two meet in person and open up to each other, you'll get the answers you've been seeking the last 6 months.

 

Hang in there, JP...

 

hosswhispra

[iceman85]

Your doing great JP, I know where your at. I recently met up with my ex and it went alright. She even gave me a hug and I gave her one back! It felt so nice but now i'm as confused as ever and dont know what to do next. Love is such a tricky thing isnt it? I wish you the best of luck with your meeting with your ex. Just be that strong composed guy you are and things should go fine.

 

Also something that really helped me with meeting my ex was setting the bar as low as possible. I kept telling myself, this is going to be a horrible day, everythings going to go wrong, so that when things started off rocky I didnt go crazy and burst. I was able to just brush it off.

 

My heart was pounding like crazy right before I went to see her but telling myself things were going to go horribly and that I needed to calm myself down really helped, my head gained control again and my heart stayed at bay until after I had seen her. Best of luck i'm pulling for you.

 

Also dont read too much into the email, it could be a number of different things, most likely shes just writing it and didnt even come into her mind to write the way she did. Or if she did think about it, she just figured you guys arent like you used to be so writing the way she usually did wouldnt be right.

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks guys for your encouragement.

 

There hasn't been any update since. I've been working some long hours, and I know she is pretty busy with her summer classes. I've felt better for the most part this week, though I cant say that I don't miss her.

 

A couple friends and I went out the other night, and we ended up meeting a few girls. A couple of them were really pretty, and seemed nice, but I had absolutely NO interest in getting to know them better. In fact, while we were all standing around talking, and drinking coffee, I just wanted to leave. I felt out of place. It is a little troubling, cause usually I am at the very least curtious and friendly when talking to strangers. But this time I was very stand offish, and my friends could tell. They asked what was wrong with me afterwards, and I didn't know what to say to them, so I just told them I wasn't feeling well. In case you can't tell, Im hiding my emotions about this whole situation from them. They think Im back to being me, and happy. But we all know the truth....

 

Anyhow, this weekend is the holiday. More importantly, its Parker's birthday. I am really hoping that we can get together, and if not, I hope she remembers Parkers day, and calls.

 

Anyhow, so the update is that there is no update. Limbo still. Im getting to the point where I just want this to end. One way or another. I am so tired, and drained.

 

Talk to you guys soon.

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

You really need to get some sort of closure. I can see you are really tortured by not knowing either way. It seems like you are waiting for her plans to free up before the two of you can meet up. Why not put things in your control and tell her you really need to talk to her about something important and soon. This limbo is not good to your piece of mind or your health!

 

I just don't want you to miss out on what life has in store for you. I know you are still healing and might not want to get involved right away. Look at these girls you met recently as 'friends', not as anyone you'll pursuit romantically. You can never have too many friends, especially in this time of your life. You never know where it might lead. Give it a chance.

 

I'm not sure if you've listened to the mp3 at

It really helped me put things into perspective and enabled me to let go and try to move on. I've listened to it many times and still do to remind myself what I need to do to heal.

 

Everyone is different and I know your situation is too. I know you don't want to close things off with the ex for fear of pushing her away forever. I just don't want you to get hurt and don't want you to wait around for her to decide what to do. Take the reins and take control of the situation. You'll find how empowering and good it will make you feel.

 

Keep up the good work man. Stuggles build us into stronger and happier individuals.

 

DP

[need2bme]

I am a little late in saying this, but my condolences are with you. I am sorry for your loss.

 

Secondly, thank you so much for this thread. You speak from the heart. Directly from it and that is difficult on many levels.

 

Your story is a little like mine and I can relate to everything you write. Losing myself and expecting her to fix it. Not saying things we knew needed to be said. Attempting to make her make up for me not living my life. The fact that we are speaking now (albeit infrequently) on the phone when something is bugging her.

 

Yes, way too many similiarities. It is sad to lose a GF and a best friend at the same time. I lost her and my current job. I am working in a different city and will shortly be working in a different state. She is still in our apartment and I cannot be there. Because of my stupidity with my finances, I now have to do what I can o get them paid down. This caused enormous stress in our relationship. I have not really had a chance to live in our apartment, at all. I have been gone since we rented it in January.

 

How can I expect things to work, when we hurt and I was gone.

 

I long to be with her again. I can feel my soul touching hers. I can feel my heart reaching for her. I do not say this to be sappy. I can feel it. When she used to speak to me about feelings, I would just think sure, we all have them and we should never apologize for them, because they are OUR feelings.

 

I think I got (what my mom used to say) "too big for my britches". I worked hard and made a lot of money for a while. During that time, I lost track of us and myself. I thought I was so successful and am very ashamed to say, even looked down on my GF and wondered why she stayed where she was at.

 

She has done a lot with her life. She is the eldest of 6 kids and came here from another country when she was very young. They never really had anything, but she took care of them all (even her mother and father, really). What an enormous burden for a young person. She NEVER got to be a kid, or be the one getting attention. I realize now, that even though it caused us to fight when she flirted, it was her mind craving the attention she never got as a young person.

 

She feels so deeply and I lost myself. I truly believe that God allowed all of this to happen, to HUMBLE me. To make me return to what my mother tried to instill in me. That is to always be respectful.

 

I can remember looking at my GF when she was at work and watching her in action and know that she had the stuff. I felt so angry with myself for feeling the way that I mentioned before (even if only once or twice).

 

She NEVER asked for anyone to give her anything (the truth). She NEVER asked for anyone to help her. All she ever wanted, was for someone to love her.

 

I do know that she did not treat me well, when we had our problems in the beginning. I know that she too, guarded how she felt and one cannot do that, when expecting to be in a relationship. I know I need to get me back and take all of what I learn into my life as I move forward,

 

but.........

 

All I can do is get on my knees, pray that God show me the way, and hope that somehow this is only to show me how to be humble again, and allow that precious angel back into my life.

 

Thank you for this thread.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello and thanks once again Pedro and need2bme.

 

You are absolutely right, that gaining closure is what I need. I realize that this emotional turmoil is NOT good for me emotionaly or physically at all. Its become pretty aparent that my self esteem has been ruined. I just feel.... broken. But the day approaches. The day that I lay it all out then let it go. And what happens after that... well who knows. But I am hoping that somehow I will gain relief from this heartache...

 

I listened to that mp3 link, and I must say it did strike a chord. Im not exactly a religious person, but I am opening up more to it, and really beginning to see and understand the interpretations of the many morals and values offered. This one in particular, although somewhat dramatic, was simple and logical. Perhaps word for word it didn't mirror my situation, but the meaning, at its core was definatley valid. 'Let them go'.

 

Yet it is so hard isn't it? Especially when I feel this incredible bond with her. More than a failed relationship.... love gone sour... I just absolutely believe that her and I were meant for more. As though we have 'unfinished business... I dont know if that makes any sense to you, but in my head, and heart I understand.

 

So for now, I'll keep plugging away. I am going to take Parker down to the river for his birthday, and even spoil him a little with treats. No doubt, I will be thinking of Jenn a lot, but I feel that today will be a happy day.

 

Thanks again for your support.... talk to you soon.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hello once again everyone.

 

So, I went to my friends 30th birthday party last night. It was a blast. His wife arranged it to be a surprise for him, and I got to see friends who I havent seen in years. We had a fire, lots of drinks, and an overall great time.

 

There is one part of the night that really sticks out. I was sitting on the deck, keeping a little to myself, but enjoying myself none the less, when another friends wife came over and sat beside me. We have all been friends for many years, and this girl is among the all time coolest, sweetest girls I've ever met. My friend really lucked out with her, but then again, so did she with him... Anyways, she sat beside me, and asked how I was doin. I told her I was having a great time. She then, she lowered her voice a little, and said, 'can I ask you the million dollar question?' Confused, I said of course, and she then asked, 'What happened with you and Jenn?'

 

This was a little strange, but I then realized, that none of even my closest friends, are aware of the situation, or what even happened for that matter. I've been closed to them completely, and as far as they know, something happened, then I went into a shell. So, with the liquid courage I had already consumed, I went into the whole situation with her. I just let it all go. I didn't get emotional, but we talked for a good two hours about EVERYTHING.

 

It felt so good to just let all of that stuff out. I have been writing here for 6 months about all of this, and have gotten great feedback, advice and support. But it was a different feeling actually conversing about it. So, we talked and talked, and at the end of the conversation, she looked at me and said that Jenn will be sorry, because I am a one in a million guy. Now you might think that would make me feel good, and it did for about 3 seconds, then it just saddened me. I hear it a lot, that I am a great guy, sweet, all that stuff, but there has to be something about me that is just not good enough. Past sincerity, honesty, and loving, what else does it take? Perhaps my shyness, and being timid is keeping me down. Im not quite a pushover, I do stand up for myself, but I also have a tendency to take the punches, and try to keep a smile on.

 

Anyways, I've rambled on. I guess at the very least, the relief of having a heart to heart, is like having a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. Of course it wasn't with Jenn, but none the less, I feel beter. The fact that she didn't call for Parkers birthday only slightly bothers me. But I cannot control that stuff. All I can do is keep being me. And hope that it IS all for some reason.

 

Keeping the faith,

 

JP

[Cute Band Rat]

JP???

 

When this is all over.....wanna take me out?? You melt my heart

[Jjasonn28]

Cute Band Rat

 

Hehe, who knows.... perhaps you are the reason for all of this

 

I find this site a great release. I used to write my thoughts in a notebook, but here I get feedback. The advice, perspectives and support is amazing, and I am glad that people such as yourself can be touched, on some level through nothing more than than my feelings.

 

Thank you for your post. It made me smile, and made my day

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

When Jenn emailed you last time did you email her back? Have you been in contact with her since that last email?

 

Knowing the answers to these two questions will help me decide if the advice that I am currently "sitting on" is appropriate advice to give you.

 

Keep on keeping the faith,

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Hosswhispra;

 

Yes I did return an email to her. But it was brief. Just a thank you for saying hi, and hope you are smiling email. Since then, there has been no contact, or had been no contact until tonight.

 

She left a message on my machine again while I was out. Asking if this weekend works for me to get together. She said she wants to set something up. She wished me a happy Canada day, (forgot Parkers birthday), mentioned that nothing new is happening with her, just her school and work keepin her busy. She then said 'miss you hun'. Which is a touch less cold than the last email.

 

So thats the situation as of right now. She asked if I could call tomorrow morning some time, but I dont know if I will... I have a lot to do in the morning, the job needs my full attention tomorrow. Usually, I would absolutely MAKE time for that. Something is changing in me. I still love her, but I am at the end of my rope I think... I dunno. Perhaps I'll feel differently tomorrow.

 

 

Talk to you soon!!! JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

You are changing...you are growing, learning about yourself, and finding out life goes on (with or without your ex). Sure I know you miss her and still love her. That probably won't change. You'll have that special place in your heart for her. It's so great to see you taking care of your needs and your desires...Remember you're in charge of your life. I find it completely liberating in my situation.

 

I applaude that you don't immediately call or email your ex right back. It sends a message that you aren't at her beck and call.

 

You're healing man and even though times are still tough, think back to the way you felt shortly after the breakup. I bet you smile and think about how much you've learnt and grown up during this ordeal.

 

Keep it up

 

DP

[Cute Band Rat]

JP, I recently had a mini breakthrough with the guy I was "dumped' by last year. It's a minor victory..but a victory nonetheless. You can read my story in Getting Back Together. I sort of took your approach and stayed in minimal contact with him...but made sure it was positive and upbeat. He defiently noticed the change in me...and even said so. I don't know why but I just feel happy right now.

 

You are an inspiration for me JP...don't ever change

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

I have thought of this from Jenn's perspective, too. Has Jenn always been the initiator in your relationship, even from the start/beginning?

 

She seems to always be the initiator (at least now, if not from the beginning of the relationship), as she initiates most phone calls, most emails and also is the one to suggest when you two should get together.

 

I can understand that you want to back-off of Jenn and give her some space--but is it possible that you've backed off too much?

 

It's a two way street.

 

However, if she is the one doing all the calling, the emailing, etc...she has in essense become the "pursuer". For many women, becoming the pursuer 100% of the time feels unnatural and kind of masculating. Women need to feel desired and sexy--those are two things that make us feel feminine.

 

Think about this for awhile.

 

 

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Hello again hosswhispra

 

Has Jenn always been the initiator in your relationship, even from the start/beginning?

No. At the very beginning, when we met, I will say yes. She came to me and told me she liked me and wanted to continue to know more. Thats just how it is with me though. I am shy, and tend to sit back a little, especially when it comes to my romantic interests. However, once she made it clear that she was interested in me as well, I had that confidence to 'take the reigns'.

 

I have to say that we would equally initiate things for the most part. She planned and organized a weekend trip to a resort up north for us, and I did the same for a week vacation, again up north to a cottage. We spontaniously decided together to drive to the east coast for a long weekend... yeah, it was balanced. Her sister once made a comment, how I would call 'like clockwork'. After work every evening, once I had showered and taken Parker out, I would call. Even if I knew she wasn't home, I would call to leave a message. And most times, when I got home there would be a message waiting for me as well. We didn't see eachother much for the last year, but we talked every day.

 

She seems to always be the initiator (at least now, if not from the beginning of the relationship), as she initiates most phone calls, most emails and also is the one to suggest when you two should get together.

Well, since the day she said good-bye, this is true. But I told her straight out, that I wouldn't call. I didn't want to be that 'ex' who wont leave her alone and give her the space she wants. I will email her from time to time, and will, once in a while call her. But for the most part, yes, she initiates the contact now.

 

I can understand that you want to back-off of Jenn and give her some space--but is it possible that you've backed off too much?

I never really though about it this way. But it just seems to me, that she is too busy. She is well aware that I miss her, and really want to see her. And even though she said she will make time... she hasn't. And as for makeing an effort to come HERE to see us... well, I've just given up on those hopes all together. It just feels as though, ive become an inconvenience... and I dont want to be anyones burden. I dont know, I would just like to think, that after all we've been through, she wouldn't need that reassurance of me 'persuing' her.

 

However, if she is the one doing all the calling, the emailing, etc...she has in essense become the "pursuer". For many women, becoming the pursuer 100% of the time feels unnatural and kind of masculating. Women need to feel desired and sexy--those are two things that make us feel feminine.

I can understand this. I really can. But she already said goodbye to me. We arent in the beginning stages of courtship. I just want to believe that love doesn't play games. I mean, the bottom line is, I love her. I would do anything for her, and would rather develope that through strong communications, trust, and friendship within a lovining commitment, rather than passing 'do you like me' notes in science class.

 

I can see your point though. Perhaps, in this unfamiliar stage, she needs that reassurance? Its a tough situation though. Because as I said, I dont want to be that ex that wont stop bothering her. I am curious now though. Is what you say a real possibility? Even after she has said good-bye? Have you been through a similar thing? Or know people who have? Perhaps I am just naive in assuming that pure love and friendship is more powerful than anything else. Maybe these rituals, these games need to be played? Maybe, we aren't any further evolved than the animal kingdom??

 

 

 

As for seeing her possibly this weekend, she said Friday, Saturday or Sunday works for her. The thing is, I have plans already for this weekend. I would drop those plans in a second to go see her, but should I??? I cant remember the last time she broke plans to be with me. I guess though, no matter wether I should or shouldn't, I probably will. Because that is just me. I just want to see her. More importantly, I just want to talk to her. I want to say the things that have been weighing on my mind for months.

 

Wow, Ive rambled on. Im going to end it here for now. I need a coffee!

 

Talk to you soon!

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Well, after reading over what you had to say hosswhispra, I decided to take it upon myself to just call her. She was home, and we had a fairly interesting conversation.

 

First of all, she asked if we could please make definate plans for the weekend. So Saturday morning, I'll be going down to spend the day with her. We will take Parker out for a nice walk and then go back to her place for a barbeque.

 

So as we were talking, she brought up a few things that are going on in her life that I had no idea about. First, she told me about how she almost gave up on her honors degree, and settled for a regular degree. I guess the summer class she is taking, is compressed into a short amount of time, and the workload is almost unbearable. However, she decided against it, and has been doing her best to stay on top of things. Another thing she told me about is that she is seeing a therapist.

 

This really took me by surprise. She told me that she has done a lot of thinking, and has made the decision, that she needed to see a proffesional to help her deal with some of her issues. I guess after a few sessions, the councelors have identified some problems, and the reasons behind them. So far, they have concluded that she has problems setting proper boundries for herself and others. An example of this behaviour, they said, is that in certain situations, she will say yes, for the wrong reasons, and in others, she will say no, for the wrong reasons. They also believe that it effects her mostly, in her relationships with people. Be it family, friends or otherwise.

 

I think it is great that she has taken it upon herself to seek help. At her core, in her heart, she is a wonderful person. And for the most part, the decisions she makes are those out of kindness towards others. She would never intentionally hurt anyone, but by not having the proper boundries, she either pushes people away, or withdraws herself. So, yes, I think its great that she wants to improve herself. But at the same time, I am also concerned. Perhaps a little selfish on my part, but I am worried that her healing, and self improvement, is only going to lead to her wanting the past to be just that.... the past. And unfortunately, I am a part of that...

 

So we talked about this for a while, and I was being fairly quiet, just listening, when she asked how I felt about it. So I told her just what I told you. That I think its great that she is doing it, and that in the end, it will serve the most important purpose of all.... that she will be happier with herself. I then admitted to being a little shocked that she would make that decision, that I felt as though I am falling out of touch with her, and it seems to be getting slightly more difficult to talk to her as I dont know her like I used to. I told her I miss her, and drifting apart just doesn't feel right.

 

She was quiet a moment then, and said, 'well, this weekend we will have the whole day to talk about everything, and get reacquainted.' She said that she is really looking forward to seeing us, and that she misses us so much.

 

So I am left with a conflicted feeling. I am happy for her. I really only want for her to have the happiest life. But at the same time, I am a little discontented, as I feel as though that in moving forward, she will no doubt be putting everything in the past, and leaving it there. That she will improve herself, find that true ability within to accept love, give love... and it is too late for 'us'.

 

I have so many questions I want to ask her. I just want to lay everything on the table. I mean, are we, (her and I) so fundamentaliy flawed as a partnership that we are just incompatible? If you ask me, of course I would say no. I think fundamentaly, we work extremely well. Its in the details where we need work. But isn't that a part of growing together? I want to tell her that I am hurting, and that the only true faith I've ever had, is disappearing before my eyes. But I know how that will sound.

 

I am both looking forward to, and dreading Saturday. But at least, my mind is made up. Tell her everything. Listen to everything. Enjoy her company for possibly the last time. I still plan on telling her that I cannot be her friend. Not as long as I still love her. I will tell her that I will always be here if she needs me, and that until that love has gone to sleep, my door will be open for her. I will tell her that I am proud to have been able to share a part of my life with her, and that I will chereish the memories for the rest of my life.

 

I will tell her I love her, with every ounce of my existence.

 

And I will tell her good-bye.

 

 

 

Saturday may just be the most challenging day of my life.

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

Good luck on Saturday. I pray that you'll find the answers you need.

 

We're rooting for ya

 

Daryl

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

I am glad that you called Jenn You MUST think POSITIVE on Saturday's meeting. Tell her what you've been telling us for months---your honest and sincere feelings for her. PLEASE don't look at her getting professional help as a 'method' to move on from you, or put you in the past. Her getting some help should be viewed as being positive. When can anyone love someone else before loving themself? She's working on herself and that is a GREAT thing!

 

It is not to late for you two. Otherwise, why would she ask you how you, "felt about it (her getting therapy),"?

 

Exact words from Jenn: 'well, this weekend we will have the whole day to talk about everything, and get reacquainted.' She said that she is really looking forward to seeing us, and that she misses us so much.

 

These words are not words of someone who wants to say goodbye. Please have faith JP that everything will be okay tomorrow.

 

Tomorrow's meeting is a step in the right direction.

 

Don't pressure yourself too much tomorrow, have fun and enjoy your day with Jenn. Everything will be okay and work itself out naturally. Please believe that.

 

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Hello all.

 

So the day we planned to spend together, has come and now gone. It was an interesting day... So let me waste no more time and tell you what happened.

 

This morning I woke up, and I was terrified. Absolutely afraid of the day that was ahead of me. I called her, to let her know that I was on my way, and she sounded very excited to see me. She had many possible things planned for us, but we would make those decisions when I got there. She could tell on the phone that I was bothered, and I just came right out with it. That I was nervous, very freightened of visiting her. She said she could sense it, but reassured me that everything was going to be fine... And it calmed me down a bit, but still I shook almost the entire car drive.

 

When I pulled up into the driveway, I could see her waiting in the window for us. I parked the truck, and she was already on her way to greet us. I let Parker out first, and no surprise, he almost tackled her again. She then let him in and came over to me, and gave me a hug. A great, perfect hug. The butterflys, and nervousness, and absolute terror was gone. Just like that.

 

We decided that instead of going out, we would stay in, cook a meal and talk. She had the house alone, and I figured it would be the best place for me to work up the confidence to let everything go. We immediately started preparing for a great meal. Barbeque Ribs, Potatoe Salad, and a green salad. (Did I ever mention that before her enrollment in acedemia, she apprenticed in Europe and became a certified chef? So you can imagine just how amazing this dinner was.)

 

Anyhow, during the food prep, we had a couple drinks, and kept the conversation to small talk. I had the itch to blurt things out, but I figured I would wait until later. So early afternoon went well. I really enjoyed being there.

 

Once the meal was prepared, we decided to eat outside, so she made a makeshift picnic area where we could eat. It was then, that I decided to come out with everything.

 

Everything that has been on my mind these past couple months, just started coming out. And not one minute after I began to talk, she was in tears. I told her how I feel about her. I told her how the situation was slowly wearing me down, and how I've been struggling with offering a friendship that just wasn't possible in our current situation. I stopped myself after a few minutes, and asked if she was okay. She said she was, and wanted me to continue talking. She wanted to know everything. So I kept going. I told her how much it hurt that she discluded me from some of the most important moments in her life. More specifically, her persuit of god. I told her how I feel that our foundation is solid enough, and that I believe there is more to us than what has transpired. I believe we get along extremely well, but in certain areas, we are weak.

 

After letting everything out, she began to talk. She agrees that we work very well, and that we ARE compatible. She thinks that our weakness is that we are both introverts. That we are so concerned with hurting the other, that each of us builds inside a thunderstorm of emotion, and are content to let it blow over. She confessed to having some of the same struggles as I. About wether persuing our friendship is best, or wether we should just say goodbye. She then said, that whenever she thinks about the idea that I am comletely gone in her life, she gets a lump in her throat, and she knows that THAT cant be the answer. Again, she started crying.

 

She told me that it is easier for her to live her life and begin to move on when we dont see eachother. And today, when she saw me again for the first time in a couple months, she said she fell in love with me again. I told her that I love her no less today, than I did 6 months ago. She again agreed that there is something more between us. At the same time, she told me that she wont truly be able to love, until she is able to love herself. And that the journey she is on, she hopes is leading to that. With her new relationship with god, and her involvment with the therapy, she is confident. But she still isn't sure what it will mean for us.

 

I then told her that I've been distancing myself from her, because I've been afraid. Afraid of pushing her away. That I have to fight myself to not call or write when I feel the need to talk to her. That I have so much to say, but I'm afraid of saying it. She responded by asking that I please DO call and write when I need to. She said that the more we can talk to eachother, open up and be honest with eachother, the better we will both be in the end.... whenever and wherever that is. She confessed that she is doing the same thing. Not calling as much, or writing even when she feels the need to.

 

So she asked, what do I want to do. I told her that I have been thinking that pretending to be her friend would be a lie. That I love her still, and am still struggling to make sense of our situation. She understands, and feels the same, but does not want to say goodbye. She wants to keep talking like this, openly and without reservation.

 

During this entire time, we had held eachother several times. I hate to see her cry. That alone tears me up inside. But i realized something important today. The entire time, she never took her eyes off of mine. I can honestly say that I really can feel that she still cares a great deal for me.

 

So I didn't say goodbye. I hugged her, and told her that she means the world to me. That I am proud of everything she is, and everything she stands for. And although our values may differ in some areas, that the bottom line is our intentions are the same.

 

So much was said today, If I wrote it all in one post, it would be a novel. No, I didn't tell her goodbye. How could I, when she asked if we could open up to eachother more? But you know what, I feel so much better. Despite the rampant emotions today, I think I was able to get closure on some issues that have been bothering me for a long time. She even thanked me for telling her about the hurtful things. She said it really means a lot to her.

 

Im going to end this post here, but will respond (of course) to any concerns or questions about the days events. Oh, to end the evening, we drove and got a coffee together. Went back to her house again, and played a quick game of pickup sticks

 

What can I say. Im in love with my best friend.

[Rainz]

Wow JP, I've only been coming on here lately now to just check up on your story, been following your posts for all these months.

 

I'm glad you finally wre able to see yourt ex and talk openly and honestly with her about all what you've been feeling emotionally. I bet it shed a load right ?;-)

 

I don't even know what to say to you. As you know NC is the main direction that's encouraged around here. How can you really do NC in a situation like this?

I see some strong parallels with your ex situation and my own.

 

The last conversation he and I had 2 weeks back was like revelation for me and for him, how openb we talked and how much perspective we were able to gain on what happened, so mush misinterpretation and misunderstanding at the time.

 

You have to search yourself and try and work out now with what has taken place, with what has discussed how can you pick yuour life up from here and get on with it in a way which is emotionally healthy to you. I know you love her and you'd never want to say goodbye to her, she has told you her feelings for you, but still has told you she cannot really love anyone until she loves herself. She is working on herself right now. So despite feeling for you how she does, she cannot offer a relationship at this point in time - which is really what you want from her.

 

Also as you're not going to say goodbye to each other either, all I can say is you just have to take things as they come in your situation. I don't see why you should completely shut the door on each other in your situation either. However though JP you have to think of your emotional needs/health first. That's not saying that you cannot have contact with Jen etc but YOU have to do what's right by YOU first now.

[Jjasonn28]

I'm glad you finally wre able to see yourt ex and talk openly and honestly with her about all what you've been feeling emotionally. I bet it shed a load right ?;-)

 

Absolutely. I feel SO much better about things, now that I have come clean with her. Not just about how I feel, but about everything. Even the hurtful stuff, that in the past I would have just kept inside. But what amazes me even more, is that she WANTED to hear these things. She didn't try to defend herself, or change the subject. She asked me to tell her what I was feeling. And even apologizing, and thanking me for being honest. The whole experience was amazing.

 

I know you love her and you'd never want to say goodbye to her, she has told you her feelings for you, but still has told you she cannot really love anyone until she loves herself. She is working on herself right now. So despite feeling for you how she does, she cannot offer a relationship at this point in time - which is really what you want from her.

 

You are absolutely right. I would love nothing more than to start over with her. But I know that is not possible now. Or, in the immediate future anyway. So from here on, I have to really focus on my life, and my needs, as she is doing for herself. We will continue to talk to eachother, openly and without reservation, and at the same time grow as individuals. Indipendant from eachother. Who knows, perhaps our roads will lead to eachother again, and perhaps they wont. But at the very least, our truth, respect and understanding of eachother will serve a greater purpose. To allow us both to grow as individuals.

 

 

Also as you're not going to say goodbye to each other either, all I can say is you just have to take things as they come in your situation. I don't see why you should completely shut the door on each other in your situation either. However though JP you have to think of your emotional needs/health first. That's not saying that you cannot have contact with Jen etc but YOU have to do what's right by YOU first now.

 

Yep. And I am. In fact, last night I went on a date. And for the first time in so long, I enjoyed the company of another woman. Im not falling in love, nor have I lost any of the bond that I have with Jenn. I am just feeling better about myself. We went to watch a movie, and nothing more, but it was very relieving. (It was with my sister in law's friend. The one who expressed her interest a few months ago.) Anyhow, I was able to laugh, and feel good again about being me.

 

Today, I called Jenn. I knew she wasn't home, but I wanted to leave a message. I thanked her for such a great day, told her I was looking forward to talking to her again, and hoped that she was doing well, and wearing her smile.

 

And I felt god about it. I dont feel as though it is too much, or that it may be detrimental to the relationship we share. Im glad I did.