Conversation with the ex

[WildChild]

Thanks Jason

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone.

 

Been a few days since I posted last, and since then, some interesting things have happened...

 

Last week, Jenn called with some good news. She is done. 100% completely finished school. She now has two Honors degrees. Well needless to say, I was very happy for her. She asked if I would be up for a visit on Saturday, to which of course I was. So Saturday, around noon, Parker and I got in the truck, and headed to see her.

 

I guess I should mention, that before I went down, On thursday I decided to buy her a card and a gift. I wasn't sure at first what to buy for her, but I wanted it to be special. I wanted it to be something that would mean a lot to her.. something she could cherish always. So I bought her a bible. Her renewed faith has been a huge driving force and inspiration to her, and even from a distance, I can see how much it has affected her life. Its not something that I would usually buy for someone, but I wanted her to know that regardless of my beliefs, I respect hers, and hope that she continues to find happyness through it.

 

Parker and I arrived Saturday, and she was waiting at the door. With a wonderful smile, she ran out to greet us, and she gave me a big hug. We played with Parker around the house for a bit, then she suggested that we take him to the beach, so that we may catch the sunset over the lake. We drove down, and walked the shoreline for almost two hours, letting Parker do his thing while we talked.

 

And what a talk it was. We talked about everything. From school, to faith, to us then, and us now. We talked about fears of the future, and hurts from the past. We talked about our relationship as it was, and as it is. About moving on, saying good bye, or attempting to heal and reconcile. It was emotional, very emotional... something I wasn't expecting nor prepared for.. but regardless, it felt good to open up to her, and have her open up to me.

 

After the beach, I took her out to dinner. We went to a cozy mexican restaurant, and genuinely enjoyed eachothers company all the while continuing to let our hearts out.

 

I then drove her back home, where we went inside, and she opened her card and gift. I was really nervous as to how appropriate she would think it was, and wether or not she would think it a strange gift, coming from me. But she loved it. She threw her arms around me, thanked me continuously, and cried on my shoulder.

 

We said good bye, and as I drove away, and watched her in my rearview mirror, I cried. It was always the hardest thing to do, say goodbye to her. The drive home was somewhat of a blur. I thought over the days events, trying to sort out my emotions. When I got home, there was an email waiting from her. I would like to share a little bit of it with you guys...

 

 

Hi,

 

I know that you just left but I needed to tell you how truly special you made me feel today. Thank you for listening, for treating me to diner, to sharing a sunset, to sharing some tears.... we have grown so much - do you remember when we could not open up at all!? Those were rought times. I think that though this is painful, we have to keep in mind that it is because we are healing - and often in the healing process old wounds have to be exposed in order to allow them to heal properly and completely.

 

I absolutely love the bible. I am blown away at how appropriate it really is. It is beautiful and I thank you for the courage it took to give it to me.

 

It is I who have been touched so immensely by you being in my life. You have shown me grace and stability when i so desperately needed it. You have always given me the respite I needed in the storms I have had as your gentleness has comforted me.

 

Thank you again soooo much for all that you were, and did for me today.

 

 

 

Reading this put a HUGE smile on my face. For the first time, in a very LONG time, I feel as though I actually have, made an impression in her life. One similar to the way she has touched my life.

 

Where we go from today, is anyones guess. We didn't come to any conclusion involving 'us' necessarily, though we did agree that we both have healing to do still. We are going to continue to talk, and have certain issues that we plan to discuss with eachother. All in hopes that all harbored resentment, will be exposed and delt with. To forgive eachother, and put it behind us.

 

 

 

I realize this post has been very long, and I left out many details, but I didn't want to write a novel. (Though I almost did anyhow.) If you have a question, feel free to ask. For the moment though, Im going to take this warmth and share it with the people around me.

 

Thanks for bearing with me!

 

 

JP

[Rainz]

Though I have not posted in this thread for a really long time I always keep tabs of it Jason.

 

How are you feeling withing yourself since all of this?

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

Something troubled me about Jenn's email: I think that though this is painful, we have to keep in mind that it is because we are healing - and often in the healing process old wounds have to be exposed in order to allow them to heal properly and completely.

 

What is she referencing when she writes about healing (healing old differences that broke you guys up OR healing from the end of relationship?)

 

If it's healing old wounds that broke you up then I would regard this as a positive response (possibility of a reconciliation--the one you wish for). BUT if she's saying that she's healing from the end of the relationship by seeing you and having you in her life on her terms only, that I am troubled with (because I know from what I read how you truly feel about her).

 

hosswhispra

[WildChild]

I have to agree with hoss. Obviously you two had a very nice time together, and it was long overdue for the conversation, however nothing was really resolved yet in terms of which way this may go. Then to get the email, as good as it was to hear how grateful she was, she again left this thing wide open. I don't think it's fair AT ALL to keep stringing you along by not telling you yes or no, and unfortunately this is how I am seeing this transpire again: stringing you along. Somewhere in that conversation JP I would think there had to be some sort of clue as to whether she is contemplating a reconcilliation?

[Jjasonn28]

Hey JP,

 

Something troubled me about Jenn's email: I think that though this is painful, we have to keep in mind that it is because we are healing - and often in the healing process old wounds have to be exposed in order to allow them to heal properly and completely.

 

What is she referencing when she writes about healing (healing old differences that broke you guys up OR healing from the end of relationship?)

 

Hello hosswhispra !

 

Nice to hear from you again. I hope everything is well, and you are enjoying the festive season!

 

Anyhow, in that paragraph, she speaks of a couple specific 'moments' in our relationship that really changed the course of where we were headed. Circumstances that directly lead to us becoming 'distant'.

 

She asked for my forgiveness, and reassured me that she knows that I would never intentionally do anything that would hurt her. Of course, not talking about certain things, did end up hurting her, but that wasn't what I wanted. The liberating part of it all, is that I feel like I can talk to her about the past, without fear of consequence... if that makes sense. And instead of arguing, or having conflicting points on many issues, it seems that we agree on what should have happened, and understand why it didn't...

 

BUT if she's saying that she's healing from the end of the relationship by seeing you and having you in her life on her terms only, that I am troubled with (because I know from what I read how you truly feel about her).

 

Her email to me, and what she said in it, was directly related the conversations we had during the day. About the things from the past, that hurt us.

 

Thanks for staying in touch!!

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

I have to agree with hoss. Obviously you two had a very nice time together, and it was long overdue for the conversation, however nothing was really resolved yet in terms of which way this may go.

 

Hi WildChild

 

You are right, not much was talked about regarding exactly where this will take us. She did mention, how she would like to think that there is a possibility of reconcilliation as we move forward. I know that sounds very much like she is stringing me along, but in the context of the conversation, it meant something else to me.

 

We are growing. And we are healing. I wish I could get in to some of the details with you, so that you could better understand exactly what I mean by that. But out of respect for her, I keep it between us.

 

 

Honestly, If I ask her tomorrow if we can work towards coming back together, I KNOW what her answer will be. It just can't happen. Not now. I know her reasoning, understand it, and agree with it. Does that mean that I should pack up my heart and say goodbye? Many people feel that yes, thats exactly what I should do. Because in remaining friends with her, I am not allowing myself the opportunity to completely let go of what was.

 

But in spite of the ups and downs, there is simply something more, than just 'what was'. And that is something I dont want to let go of.

 

Somewhere in that conversation JP I would think there had to be some sort of clue as to whether she is contemplating a reconcilliation?

 

Perhaps what she said about the possibility of the doors of reconciliation being open as we move forward is a clue, but in no way is it a definitive direction. She was being honest with me. Right now, she wants to confront our past together, and at the very least, come away having the understanding and forgiveness of eachother.

 

This visit was different. It was special. She knows, beyond doubt how I feel about her now. I told her that through everying, I still love her. She hugged me, told me that she knows, and that everytime we get together, she falls in love again.

 

This doesn't mean that we are going to come together. This simply means that we both understand that between us, are more than just miles.

 

Thats how I took it anyway.

 

 

She knows about this site. She knows that I come here for support, and that I discuss the nature of our relationship with you guys. I am going to ask if she would mind that I give more details. Im sure you guys would appreciate a better understanding of the overall picture.

 

Its getting late, so Im going to get some sleep. I hope I was able to explain a little better some things that confuse you. IF not, keep asking, and hopefully I can.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Though I have not posted in this thread for a really long time I always keep tabs of it Jason.

 

How are you feeling within yourself since all of this?

 

Since the visit, I've felt very good. Infused with a new energy... liberated and content. Of course, I've been staying up a lot later... my head filled with more thoughts. But overall, Im well.

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Her email to me, and what she said in it, was directly related the conversations we had during the day. About the things from the past, that hurt us.

 

That explains it, JP. I do feel better for you now, knowing the above information.

 

Merry Christmas, JP.

hosswhispra

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

I'm glad you and Jenn had a great day together and that you had a deep, honest, and meaningful conversation. I see lots of positives by your recent meeting, yet you are not hoping for an instant reconciliation. Your patience is great quality. Hurt, pain, and letting go of the past takes time and you are smart to realize this and not push her.

 

Take care of yourself and Happy Holidays

 

DP

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone!

 

I just want to wish everyone well. I trust you are all enjoying your holidays! Thanks for your best wishes and support, I truly appreciate every once of it!

 

 

Christmas day went well. I put a roast on in the morning, brewed myself some coffee, flavored it with Baileys and spend the day with Parker. We watched movies, and horsed a round a lot. The day went by quickly, and already, I feel much better.

 

I had one phonecall. Jenn called around 10:00 am. She wished Parker and I a merry christmas, and told us that she misses us. I guess her plans for the day were similar to mine. Stay in and watch movies. Im glad she called. It brought a smile to my face.

 

 

So, thats the update for now. Back to work for a couple days, then we start a new year. Wow, one whole year has passed. I plan on doing pretty much the same thing for new years. Cuddle up with Parker, and celebrate the coming of new together.

 

I hope each and everyone of you are safe and smiling!

 

 

Talk to you soon,

 

JP

[WildChild]

Glad to hear your Christmas went well JP...sounds like it went exactly how you had hoped it would Have a safe New Years!

[Suzy-TO]

Good luck, JP. I have my fingers crossed also. Keep us posted.

[Jjasonn28]

Happy New Year!

 

Welcome to 2007. Day one... one day before the 1 year anniversary of the day Jenn and I got together for a walk in the park, and ended up parting ways.

 

I cant believe 1 year has passed already. Its rather sad when I think about it, that an entire 365 days has passed me by, and Im still having troubles dealing with my feelings for Jenn.

 

Last night, I just stayed in. I fell asleep before midnight, and Im glad I did. Being conscious at that moment may have sent my mind into another one of its train wreck moments.

 

Anyhow, Jenn sent an email, wishing us well. She has been spending her time relaxing, going for walks, organizing her house. She suggested that the next time i visit - or she visits us, that we go skating together in the park. I think its a nice idea, but it kind of pulls at my heartstrings a little. The first gift I ever bought her was a pair of skates, and when we initially started dating, we went skating together often.

 

Anyways, enough of that. I hope everyone had a safe new years eve, and that the new year brings you all the joy and fullfillment you all deserve! May the best of your past, be the worst of your future!!!!

 

I'll check in again soon, after I get the next few days behind me.

 

 

 

Take care.

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

I hope these next few days will be ok for you....

 

DP

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

Keep your chin up.

 

 

It does get better.

 

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Hello again.

 

Well, two weeks into the new year, and Im suprisingly upbeat! givin the current circumstances, things seem to keeping steady. Work has slowed down, too much for my liking. In fact, I have only worked 2 days since newyears. But, on the upside, I decided to put myself out there, and search for something new... something better. I decided on Saturday to apply to some jobs that would be a definate boost to my career. Already, I've had two call backs, and an interview lined up this week. The jobs are ones that will take me out of the hands-on part of the trade, and move me into more of a supervision/management role. I think I am ready for a change. I may not posess all the certifications and diplomas that these companys require, but I do have many years of being in the field, and a desire to move forward, so Im hoping that the two combined, will land me somewhere where I have a shot to move up.

 

Also, Ive decided to move. Ive been thinking about it for a long time, always putting it off because of convenience. But last week, I looked at a new place, liked it, and signed a lease. I move in a month. Its not a huge change, maybe 20 minutes from where I am currently, but its a change. More importantly, its motivation to 'wipe the slate clean'. Take the boxes of junk, closets of useless stuff, sort it, and purge it. Thats exactly what it is.... a purge of my life past...

 

Im excited at the possibilities. A little nervous which I'm sure anyone would be, but confident about my decisions.

 

As for the emotional state of my romantic life... things have also been suprisingly balanced. No major downs, but no major ups either. Jenn called last week for a quick chat, and again tonight.

 

Tonight, she called late, and I could tell something was botherig her. She denied it at first, but after a little confronting, she told me. I dont want to go into detail about what happened, but I will say, there is a health problem within her family, and she is having a hard time dealing with it. She tried to deal with it herself, and hold it in, but she couldn't, and she cried as she told me how she was feeling. I listened, and did my best to comfort her with words, and when we finally said good-bye, she sounded much better. She also told me that she is packing her bags, and leaving tomorrow to visit her parents accross the country. I am concerned for her. I hope she has a safe trip, and takes her time away to get some peace of mind and rest she deserves. I wish her the best.

 

So thats about it for now. I'll be back to let everyone know how things turn out. Thanks again for listening, and I hope everyone else is having a productive year?!

 

Take care,

 

JP

[WildChild]

Wow JP! HUGE changes in your life, and it sounds as though you are doing a good job balancing it all Way to go on taking the steps you have wanted to take...it sometimes can be scary, but it's well worth it to try Good luck on the job interviews, and I'm sure you will do just gr8! There are a TON of people who land jobs every day that don't have the diploma or degree but because of their experience can be or are just as much qualified. I hope whatever is going on with Jenn works out o.k. for her and her family.

[WildChild]

PS: Their not as big as the one in your pic , but I'm landing some nice size walleyes and northerns ice fishing...it's a smoking year this year lol

[Jjasonn28]

PS: Their not as big as the one in your pic , but I'm landing some nice size walleyes and northerns ice fishing...it's a smoking year this year lol

 

 

Hi WildChild.

 

Thanks for your encouragement! MMM, ice fishing and walleyes, Id love to be doin that right now. Too bad the lakes arent frozen through enough yet Soon though, I hope!

[Jjasonn28]

Hello again everyone.

 

Well, I went out, spent about $300.00 on a pair of paints, shirt tie and shoes.. (needed a new look apart from the black pants white shirt...) and walked into the interview today with confidence....

 

They want me to start monday.

 

 

But after going through all of this, I am having doubts about the job. I found out today that 75% of the work that the company does, is out of province. Currently, they have jobs all over Canada... Edmonton, Calgary, Northern Yukon, Nova Scotia.... And if I take the job, I will most likely be traveling quite a bit.

 

Now this isn't all bad. I guess first, it gives me a chance to see parts of Canada that I've never been able to, and at the same time, get paid for it. Also, the compensation is good.. very good. Everything that I need is provided.

 

But in the big picture, it is a huge lifestyle change. Sure, I'm single, no real attachments here to hold me back, though my little boy Parker is a big concern. Im still young, and the experience would prove invaluable im sure to my future. Perhaps its just the jitters of the unknown, or something else.. there is just something that is making me nervous. Of course, taking this kind of job will really leave me in no position nor will I have even the time to find and build any type of strong relationship with anyone... And that is something that I know in my heart I want.

 

I dont know. I have a few days to think things over, and Im hoping the answers will come to me.

 

Worried, nervous, excited and sad all wrapped into one,

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

I understand what you are going through. I'm also considering a job that is accross the country. It would mean me leaving family, friends, and my current way of life. Still, part of me thinks this will be an exciting opportunity to shake things up and another way of moving forward after last year's events (my breakup). It's alot to consider...

 

It's great you have this new and exciting opportunity in front of you. It could be a blessing and a way to grow through the experience. Trust your instincts and consider all your options. What do you want for yourself in the next month, 6 months, next year for that matter?. If it is to settle down and try to find another relationship, then moving might put a damper in that plan. If you feel that you need to develop your career and that you're willing to put romance/relationships on the side then this new job might be an answer. Mind you, you never know when and where you'll meet someone, fall in love.

 

Good luck in your decision! I know you'll make the right one.

[WildChild]

Hope your first day went well today JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hope your first day went well today JP

 

Hi WildChild.

 

Well, I didn't start today. But its not because I didn't take the job. I am 98% sure I am going to take it. Ive worked through some things in my head, and did what Pedro suggested, and look at my life not only today, but 6 months, and into the future a little, to picture where I wanted to be.

 

In all honesty, settling down, finding a 'family' is something that is becoming increasingly important to me. However, realize that its not something that I can really actively search for. And until then, I need to do whats best for me. This job is a great opportunity. If I'm at it a year, two years... whatever, it will be a great addition to my resume when I do find someone who steals my heart.

 

The reason I didn't start this week, is that the President wants to meet with me to get all the details settled before I start. He is in China until Thursday, so I have a meeting with him on Friday. Hopefully, if everything goes smoothely, next monday will be the beginning.

 

So for the rest of the week, Im going to relax. Spend some time with Parker, do some reading, and begin to organize some junk that I need to get rid of when I move.

 

Thanks for checking in! I hope everything is well on your end!?

 

Talk to you soon.

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

Sounds like you have some exciting changes going on in your life right now...a new move and a potential new job. I think that you have a great attitude about the job. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity--travel and to build your resume. Even after some of my own challenges last year, I still believe that if something is meant to be it will be. Keep the faith....and keep us updated. We're rooting for you JP.

 

hosswhispra