Conversation with the ex

[Jjasonn28]

JP-

 

I was at Barnes and Nobles today ready John Gray's book: Mars and Venus Starting Over. It might be a book worth reading. It talks about how men and women react after a break up. John Gray says that men will enter relationships quicker after a break up, before being fully healed.

 

hosswhispra

 

 

Hello hosswhispra.

 

I've been questioning myself about this for well, since I started seeing Cheryl. I guess there is no sense in trying to deny that I have feelings remaining for Jenn. But I wonder, though its common that men will enter a relationship before being fully healed, is it a terrible thing? Is it ultimately setting up a roadblock before even embarking on a journey?

 

I wont lie, I am somewhat scared about advancing things with Cheryl for exactly that reason. Because of residual feelings, it wouldn't be fair to me or her that I try to pretend that they aren't there, because lets face it, they are. But Im also wondering if the fact that I can recognize it, and not being blind to it is a positive thing?

 

I dont know, its all still so confusing and heart rattling. In a previous post, you suggested that I follow my heart... I wish it could be that simple. If my head agreed with my heart, or my heart agreed with my head for that matter, my direction, the solution... would perhaps be much clearer.

 

I keep telling myself, 'one day at a time'. Hoping that one of these days, it will all make sense.

 

JP

[WildChild]

Geez Louise Jason, I'm just plain old miffed right now. I could beat you like a drum. Go back and read your posts from when you and Cheryl really started hanging out. Go do that now.

 

OK, now that you have read them, go and read your posts in the last how many weeks since Jenn has been really in the picture. Go do that now.

 

OK, now that you have read those, go and read your posts from a few months back before you and Cheryl started hanging out and you were still thinking about Jenn all of the time. Go do that now.

 

NOW, do you see a pattern??? Do you hear yourself? Do you see how you are going back into a slump? And when did this start? When JENN started coming around more. Whether you have been burned in a relationship or not, everyone gets cold feet or wonders if or what this is going to lead to. Quit making excuses, and stop selling yourself short. You either a) really like Cheryl and are scared of those feelings because you didn't think you could feel those again, or b) you are thinking of reasons to question this with Cheryl because now you are wondering if you and Jenn could maybe get back together or wondering where this sudden interest could take you guys.

 

I don't care what anyone thinks, Jenn needs to back off. Whether or not it was an "innocent" request for help moving this weekend, or not, you are seeing or interested in someone else at this point. Not to mention her inviting you to go to her friend's wedding knowing you were seeing someone else? Who does that? Either she is thinking you couldn't or are not capable of getting serious with Cheryl OR you are playing down your "relationship" with Cheryl to Jenn.

 

](*,) ](*,)](*,)

[hosswhispra]

I wont lie, I am somewhat scared about advancing things with Cheryl for exactly that reason. Because of residual feelings, it wouldn't be fair to me or her that I try to pretend that they aren't there, because lets face it, they are. But Im also wondering if the fact that I can recognize it, and not being blind to it is a positive thing?

 

Hey JP,

 

You're being honest with yourself. That's a great thing. Pain can make people deny the truth.

 

The truth is that you have residual feelings of love for Jenn. Those feelings can either blossom with some reciprocation on Jenn's part or they will change over time.

 

In all honesty, JP, I think you need time to heal. Healing may require you to break things off with Cheryl and be solo (without Jenn or Cheryl) for awhile. If Jenn does not reciprocate the feelings that you have for her, you may have to go no contact with her. I know that seems unfathomable to you right now. But it is something to think about. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just 'let go' and take care of ourselves and have faith/trust that we will love again---even though at times you may imagine that to be impossible.

 

Wishing you happiness,

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Wow,

 

A couple great posts, which really made me think. I've never questioned myself more than I am tonight. Against your advice WildChild, I went to visit Jenn. An interesting night to say the least. And on top of that, I had a rather interesting conversation with Cheryl when I got home.

 

I really dont know where to begin. If I went into great detail, this would no doubt be a very long post. I'll try to be to the point.

 

I saw Cheryl Thursday after work. We hung out, watched a movie.. nothing unordinary. Friday I called her after work, (before hockey) but got her machine. Saturday, I waited a while for a call from her, but when I didn't hear from her, I called and got her machine again. I left a message that I was at home, and just chilling out, and that she could call if she wanted to talk, or do something... but she didn't end up calling.

 

Last night, Jenn called, and asked again if I was up for a visit with Parker, and a dinner. So today after hockey, we went down for a visit. It went just as our visits usually do. We had a great dinner, had fun on our walk with Parker, but the conversation before I left was different. I dont know if it is because of your post WildChild, but I found myself second guessing Jenns intentions. She said that if at any time I am open to going to her church with her, I am more than welcome. She really wants me to meet the people there, and them to meet me. She then told me more about how she is beginning to consider that community her family, and how she is becoming content with herself, and her life.. but she is missing something. She then began to cry, and asked that if any time during our relationship, that she was intentionally withdrawing.

 

I was honest with her, and told her that yes. I told her how I could feel that she loved me, but that seemed to balk at my love for her. Crying still, we hugged, and she said that she wants to accept love. She doesn't know why she cant, but through church, faith and councelling hopefully she can overcome it. Again, she asked if I would come with her. She then suggested that if Im available next Sunday, she would love to have me go with her, but she would leave it up to me, and wouldn't ask again.

 

Her tears slowed, and I told her that I was very proud that she is giving not only her time, but herself to something she believes so strongly in. I told her how I can hear the difference in her voice, and see the difference in her smile. That she is making progress, and its clear, that she is on the right track.

 

So needless to say, on the drive home, I was deep in thought. When I got in, I signed into MSN, and Cheryl was online. She sent a message, that said, 'hey stranger'. I asked how she was, and where she had been, and she began to write about how she has been home mostly, and doing errands at the same time. She then began a conversation that would continue to spin my head faster and faster.

 

She asked if perhaps her and I have rushed into things a little quickly. She said that she's been doing some thinking this weekend, and she wonders if perhaps we are getting involved with eachother at the right time or not. She then, (as though reading your mind Hosswhispra) wondered if I am ready to begin a relationship, until I am completely over Jenn.

 

Now she didn't come accross as being mean. She is generally concerned. She said that she thinks I am a very caring and honest person, but she thinks perhaps I am sitting a little in the past, and that life is going to pass by quickly. She also said that though its exciting to see and talk to me, she sometimes feels as though I have better things to do, then to see her, and it is a little upsetting, because she knows Im a 'good catch'.

 

I will agree, I have been a little reserved, and withdrawn with her. I think mainly because Its scary. And I really dont want to hurt anyone, or be hurt myself. Does that mean Im not ready to be involved with her? I mean, I do enjoy spending time with her, and have even felt the butterfly's. (Which although felt great, again, scared me a little.)

 

So tonight, I am just all around a little freaked out. I feel like i want to reach out to both of them. How sick is that? Maybe I do care a little too much for my own good?? I want to see Jenn succeed, and be the best and happiest person she can be. I also want to let those butterflys overwhelm me, and continue to get to know Cheryl. Can I possibly do both? Or will two positives equal a negative?

 

I'll tell you one thing. I have to give up for tonight. My head is spinning, and along with it the beginnings of a headache. I need sleep. Perhaps, in dreams, I will find my way.

 

 

JP

[melrich]

I feel like i want to reach out to both of them.

 

Mate, that has been your problem all along. You are in some sort of limbo between the two and are doing neither relationship justice. I've seen this a 100 times. At some point you are going to have to get decisive and take some sort of risk.

[heyduh]

dude - your problem is that you are hopelessly stuck in "mister nice guy" mode.

[Jjasonn28]

dude - your problem is that you are hopelessly stuck in "mister nice guy" mode.

 

 

... Its not a mode... its who I am.

[tylercdurden2004]

Personally I think its unfair to Cheryl. Maybe you should let her go until you can make a rational and fair decision to all.

[Jjasonn28]

Personally I think its unfair to Cheryl. Maybe you should let her go until you can make a rational and fair decision to all.

 

 

That is very sensible, straight forward advice. I appreciate it. Its hard to walk away from either of them, but currently, its not fair to anyone, to have the unstable confused emotions still spinning me around. Perhaps I should just take a step back.. from everything.

 

I have another contract for work starting soon, and it looks as though it is going to keep me even busier than I have been. As a matter of fact, the store opening is on December 31st, and on top of that, its going to be a very tight schedule, as the landlord's contractor is already 2 weeks delayed. So with that job to keep me EXTREMELY busy, I'll pretty much be forced to be withdrawn from them, as I wont have much free time at all.

 

That job starts in two weeks, barring any further delays. From now until then, no plans have been made to visit with Jenn, and Cheryl will be keeping herself very busy with school. (I decided not to go to Jenn's church with her tomorrow.)

 

Maybe, in the upcoming hectic months, the emotions will begin to organize themselves, and things will begin to become clear?

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

I've been reading over the last few posts and alot has happened! Maybe you need time to sort out what happened and keep in mind (or even sort out) what you want. It seems to me that Cheryl senses your heart is somewhere else. She is also looking out for herself and probably doesn't want to get hurt too. It's great to hear that Jenn is learning about herself through the church.

 

I know from experience, that it is easy to get caught up in old feelings of how it was with Jenn. I know for me, I think that no one could ever live up to how my ex was. That is the biggest thing I struggle with but I realize that I need to let those feelings go and focus on the fact that there are women out there who will give me 100 times more than my ex. I just have to have faith and take a chance....and I think the same applies to you

 

Good luck bud!

DP

[Jjasonn28]

I know from experience, that it is easy to get caught up in old feelings of how it was with Jenn. I know for me, I think that no one could ever live up to how my ex was. That is the biggest thing I struggle with but I realize that I need to let those feelings go and focus on the fact that there are women out there who will give me 100 times more than my ex. I just have to have faith and take a chance....and I think the same applies to you

 

Good luck bud!

DP

 

 

Hey Pedro.

 

Thanks for your continued encouragement. What you said here is so true, and I feel terrible about it, yet proves difficult to ignore. We get familiar with certain things, and once those are gone, and things have changed, new changes and surroundings tend to feel foreign.

 

I am aware of this, or trying to remain aware of it anyhow. I am doing my best not to 'compare' the way Cheryl is, the person she is, how she makes me feel, to what is fimiliar though lost, in what I felt with Jenn.

 

I have however, caught myself on occasion thinking, 'wow, Jenn sure wouldn't have done/said/reacted like that'. Perhaps its a habit that needs to be broken, and with time it would? Having said that, It hurts a little to think that these feelings I have, this bond that Jenn and I share are based on habit. Of course some of it is, but there is just something else. Something more, bigger than familiarity....

 

Anyways, thanks again for your support! Oh, and just an FYI for everyone keeping track Today was my birthday. There are only two people in my life, family included who remembered, and called to wish me a good one. Can you guess??? Yeah, Jenn and Cheryl. I woke up to a message from Jenn, and she later called me on my cell to make sure she could speak to me in person. Cheryl and I went for a public skate, and she brought me a little muffin with a singing candle, and a nice card.

 

Not that I am upset, but my family didn't even call. It just in its own way makes me feel stronger for both of them.... There was a birthday post here at eNotAlone wishing me happy birthday which brought a huge smile to my face! Thanks guys.

 

 

Life sure is funny like that.

 

JP

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Happy birthday to you!

 

A big fish you caught there in your picture.

[pedro]

Hey JP...Happy Birthday! Be sure to do something special and spoil yourself. You deserve it.

 

DP

[Jjasonn28]

Hi

 

Happy birthday to you!

 

A big fish you caught there in your picture.

 

Thank you!

 

Yeah, I caught the 40" Pike on the border of Quebec and Ontario. A weekend fishing trip with the boys! So much fun.

[Jjasonn28]

Hey JP...Happy Birthday! Be sure to do something special and spoil yourself. You deserve it.

 

DP

 

 

Thanks Pedro.

 

I really didn't do anything special for myself, as it was also Thanksgiving up here in Canada. So I spent most of the weekend eating turkey.

 

 

On a side note, I received an email from Jenn today. Basically an update on her schooling, and how she is doing. Its hard to believe that she will be graduating after this semester. She has worked very hard, and sacrificed a lot, to make the most of this opportunity. Im very proud of her.

 

I sent her an email back, basically telling her to hang in there, and to let her know that Parker and I are doing well. We will probably talk at some point this weekend or next week.

 

As for Cheryl, I haven't seen her this week. School has kept her very busy. And when she isn't at school, or studying, she has been out horse shopping. Yep, she has decided to buy a horse. I dont know much about them, or anything, but when she was young, her mother had a horse. I guess its been a dream of hers to one day have one of her own. So she has been travelling around the area looking. Good for her I say. Any time you have a chance to make a dream come true, you should go for it!

 

That is a brief update for this week. Nothing much, I know, but an update none the less.

 

Talk to you all soon!

 

JP

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Horse ridding sounds interest things. I would like to have a horse someday.

Roughly how much is the maintenance cost? How much it cost to buy a horse?

 

Thank you.

[Jjasonn28]

Hi

 

Horse ridding sounds interest things. I would like to have a horse someday.

Roughly how much is the maintenance cost? How much it cost to buy a horse?

 

Thank you.

 

 

Hi there.

 

Well, like I said above, I do not know much about horses. I can tell you though, what I've heard so far. I guess depending on the age/type of horse, and wether or not its been trained/broke or whatever the price can vary CONSIDERABLY.

 

Cheryl isn't looking for a racing horse, which can run up to Im sure into the tens or even hundreds of thousands. The prices she has seen so far, have been in or around $3000.00 for horses ranged 4-8 years old, completely trained. As for bording costs etc.. those range pretty wildly too. She has been looking into horse farms within the $300- $500 a month range. That includes bording, food etc.. Keep in mind, these prices are all $Canadian$.

 

Now this has all been word of mouth, and Im just telling you what I hear. Im sure the prices can be much higher, and lower, depending on what you want and where you look.

[hosswhispra]

The Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation (TRF) in the USA adopts retired racehorses out. It's not so much the cost of the horse, but the maintenance of a horse (vet bills, shoes, boarding costs) that can add up. Still for someone that is passionate about horses it's worth every penny.

 

P.S. I hope everything is well with you, JP.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

thanks for the information.

 

 

[Jjasonn28]

P.S. I hope everything is well with you, JP.

 

You are a real sweetheart Hosswhispra!!

 

Thank you.

[Jjasonn28]

Hey guys.

 

Ive been having a tough week, and I thought Id ask if it was common. Every once in a while, I will dream of Jenn. Id say over the past 4 months, I can recount maybe 2 dreams I've had involving her.

 

However, this week, I have had dreams of her every night. Twice I awoke in tears, and I dont know why. Most of the details are fuzzy, but I can recall a few details from each.

 

I dont know if it means anything, but none the less, I've been troubled by it this week. I havent spoken to her since my birthday and perhaps its just a form of withdrawl? Well, you know what I mean.

 

I just hope that she and the people around her are doing okay. Hope she's smiling.

 

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I guess it's all a part of the grieving process. It's normal. I've had similar moments and I'm sure others have too. Recently I was hit with emotions on the 2 year anniversay date me and my ex-fiance got engaged. I was thinking back to a time when we were so happy. You'll get through this and think of it as a little 'bump' in the road.

 

It's good to find someone you trust and talk/vent to them about what you are going through. Don't bottle it up inside. It may help.

 

Take care man

DP

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks Pedro.

 

You are right, finding someone to talk about this with, may be the best way to sort it all out. It's just finding that person though.. I mean, apart from a professional counsellor, not many people actually want to talk about this stuff with me. My closest friends are guys, and lets face it, they aren't exactly the most sensitive of people.

 

But anyways, Ive had a better few days, so all seems to be well.

 

 

 

An Update.

 

Well, I havent spoken to both Cheryl or Jenn very frequently in a couple weeks. Both in school, and when they aren't Jenn works, and Cheryl is busy with her horse.

 

Oh yeah, I guess I forgot, Cheryl did buy a horse. Quarter horse I think, named, 'Fergy'. 5 years old, broke and 16 hands high. Cheryl has pretty much been spending all of her free time at the stables with her. 'Fergy' is new the the farm, so she is in quarentine, and Cheryl wants to spend as much time with her, so that they can become familiar and comfortable with eachother.

 

So, I haven't spent much time with her. And to tell you the truth, it doesn't really bother me. Nor do I think it bothers her. I dont know if thats a good thing, or a bad thing.... I guess it depends on how you look at it.

 

Jenn like I said is very busy with school, work and volunteering for her church. I haven't spoken with her still for 3 weeks, but we've exchanged an email. It hurts a little to not be in even a little contact with her, as I've grown acustomed, but she is doing VERY well in her last push towards graduating. She has buckled down, and has been getting great marks on all her assignments. So knowing that makes me smile. I am very proud of her.

 

 

Ive started reading a book too. Something unlike me, (subject matter I mean). The book is called, 'The Case for Faith' by Lee Strobel. Each night I will read a couple chapters. Its a journalists Investigation of the 'toughest Objections to Christianity'. This religious topic is and has always been a touchy subject to me. I never took the opportunity to try to understand it, and in doing so became a stranger to it. Im afraid to tell anyone that I am reading it, because of the reaction I will get from them. Truth is, everyone assumes I'm atheist. But I dont even know that I am that. They may also assume Im beginning to show interest simply for the fact that Christianity has become a large part of Jenn's life, and I am 'reaching for her, by reaching for scraps'. Sure, with her increased involvement, I've been more exposed to it, but I havent jumped all over it hoping it will bring us closer.

 

The truth really is that in the past year, I've experienced a lot emotionally. From the break up with Jenn, and losing my Grandfather, to struggling with Finances, Job security and re evaluating my dreams and goals. I want to believe. I want to have faith, in faith.

 

So at my own pace, I will question. Seeking answers, and keeping an open mind. Its the least I can do... for myself.

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

It is through my renewed faith that I've been able to 'keep moving forward'. I think it's great that you are discovering new things and re-evaluating yourself. I think it's a part of the growth process.

 

I wish you luck in your journey, wherever it may lead.

 

DP

[Jjasonn28]

I think it's great that you are discovering new things and re-evaluating yourself. I think it's a part of the growth process.

 

I wish you luck in your journey, wherever it may lead.

 

DP

 

 

Hey Pedro.

 

Who knows where or how far it will lead. Im not setting any expectations, other than to gain knowledge, or a better understanding. There is no use being closed or ignorant to things simply because I havent had the opportunity, or taken the time myself to educate myself on these things.

 

I have a lot of questions that I would like answers to. And to tell you the truth, this book has been GREAT so far in that it discusses topics and questions that have always been in the back of my mind. I think that since the writer is a journalist, and takes a journalist's approach to the subject, its making it a lot less intimidating to read. I mean, its not pro christianity, nor pro Atheism/Creation. It so far has argued both sides, based on fact... scientific and scholastic.

 

I think the important thing in all of this, and you mentioned it in your last post, is that in the very least, it is a chance to grow as a person.

 

JP