Conversation with the ex

[Jjasonn28]

Hi guys.

 

 

Its been a while since I posted, so I thought Id check in with you!

 

What can I say? Parts of my life are hectic, and others, well... not so much. Work is going well. I am working 6 days a week, and if things keep going the way they are, it will increase too. When I'm not working, Im either relaxing with Parker, or playing hockey. It seems to be the routine that I'm in at the moment.

 

Now, as for the women in my life, there really hasn't been anything new happen. Cheryl has been keeping very busy, and we haven't seen much of eachother in the last few weeks. I kind of knew this was going to happen, with her in school, and on top of that buying a horse. She is swamped with responsibilities and priorities. I spoke to her twice this week, and saw her last Saturday for a couple hours, but other than that.. nothing.

 

Same with Jenn. I still haven't spoken with her since early October. And the last time we communicated via email was I think almost 3 weeks ago now. I am a little disturbed by this. Hurt I guess would be a better word. I know, I shouldn't be. I have no reason to be. Our lives are separated, but still, I find myself at least once a day thinking about her. Wondering how she is doing, and hoping that things are going well.

 

I think that all the work I've been doing has helped quite a bit to keep my mind off of the things that might torment me otherwise. Perhaps 'helped' isn't the right word. In any case, I have been somewhat preoccupied because of it, and its usually the couple hours leading up to sleep that I really start thinking of these things.

 

I guess at the foundation of my thoughts, I hope that Jenn is doing well, and happy. I also hope that Cheryl's strength is holding up as she deals with all these new changes in her life.

 

As for me... well, I'm... content I guess. Hmm, maybe not quite. Im surviving anyways. Trying to take each day as it comes.

 

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hey guys

 

 

So the winter hockey league started almost two months ago. We played 6 games in the pre season, and ended up with a record of 3 wins 2 losses and 1 tie. We are ranked 2nd in our division, which is a great confidence builder!

 

Anyways, tonight, we played our first regular season game, and won 4-3. I guess I forgot to mention also, that for this team I am not the goaltender, I am playing defence. Anyhow, tonight, in the 2nd period, I was on an offensive rush, chasing the puck behind their net. In the process I was cutting off one of their players, and he didn't take kindly to it, so he turned and cross checked me in the face.

 

Yep, lost a tooth, and split my lip open pretty bad. And its the top front tooth I suppose though, injuries are a risk we as hockey players are all well aware of. The thing that really made me mad about it though, was that after he got a penalty for it, he told the ref that I 'deserved it'. I just dont get some people.

 

There isn't really a point or anything to this story, I just thought I would let you know how things are going.

 

There is however a tiny update on the emotional front. When I got home after hockey, there was a message waiting for me on my phone from Jenn. It was brief. She just told me how school, work and church have been keeping her very busy, and on top of that, she's attending philosiphy lectures in her spare time with her sister. She did mention that she missed Parker and I very much.

 

Its not much, just a sentiment, but it made me smile. I almost feel guilty for beginning to believe that she forgot about us...

[Juha]

Hey Jason I had a similar thing happen to me in a game also...

 

He broke my nose... Let me just say he could not serve his penalty and he did not leave the ice under his own power...

 

Later on in the season, about 3 months or so we played his team and he played, let's just say he did not come near me the whole game...

 

I am not big, nor do I play like an * * * (disrespect other players) but when I get pissed off (which hardly ever happens) it can be ugly...

 

Glad to see you are so much better also, keep it up...

[Jjasonn28]

I had a talk with Cheryl tonight...

 

We've agreed that remaining friends is probably the best thing. With everything giong on in her life, and in mine, having to 'find' time to even have coffee with eachother is a clear indication that the timing just isn't right.

 

Im disappointed a little, yes. But more than that, I am concerned for her. She seems to be really stressing out about school, and now that her father is moving out of the city, she is finding it hard to deal with 'losing' him too. Add on top of that her responsibilities with her home, pets, horse.. and its beginning to take an obvious toll on her.

 

Perhaps its the least I can do, walking away. She was a little emotional, and its understandable. We ended our brief visit with a nice hug, and I told her that if there is anything I can ever do, that she knows where I am. And she said the same.

 

 

So I am off to work, a little down I guess. I hope she will be okay.

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out with Cheryl. Your concern for her shows what a great guy you are. I guess it's better to know early if things are going to work or not so you don't get attached. Keep the faith my friend!

 

..and brutal cross-check! Don't worry...things have a way of evening out and he'll get his.

 

Take care

DP

[Jjasonn28]

Hello once again everyone.

 

I cant believe its been a year already. A year ago, Jenn and I had a conversation, that would ultimately lead to her and I parting ways. Its quite astonishing how fast a year can go by. And even after a year, she still has my heart.

 

Despite growing further from eachother, limited contact and efforts to develope emotionally away from her, I still sit here, each night, and in silence, send her my thoughts, and wish her a good night.

 

Today, as I was driving around the city, I was trying to come up with reasons why I should absolutely be moving on. Reasons to be angry with her, or resent her in even miniscule ways. I asked myself, 'Why? After 2 years of drifting apart, being let down on numerous occasions, and having my heart shattered, why would I consciously even want to feel anything for this woman??'

 

But I dont have an answer. I just do. It just 'IS' I can bundle all of the negative emotions, and memories that hurt, and it just doesn't even come close to outweighing how great it makes me feel to see her smile, or how hearing her laugh can dissolve all my worries, instantly.

 

Over the past couple months, our contact has dwindled. I miss her like crazy, and almost ache to talk to her, but I am trying to fight through the hurt and let it pass. But now, her birthday approaches. I can't imagine not talking to her, or even seeing her to celebrate her birthday in some capacity. When we celebrate, we dont get crazy, and buy extravagent gifts, we both have the same love for cards. NOTHING is better than a well written card from the heart. We would find a cozy restaurant, enjoy a great dinner together, and just talk.

 

I havent talked to her to ask if she would be interested in spending an evening with me, and Im wondering if I should make an extra effort to make plans. Or should I wait until the day gets closer, and play things by ear....

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

You should definitely initiate something, because if you don't you would felt something lacking or empty inside.

 

I understand your feelings because as I drove back home today, my ex was still in my thoughts.

 

I felt dissatisfy because 'the relationship' has become the past.

 

Sometimes, I felt like crying while driving home.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello again.

 

A day after my last post, and after questioning wether or not to make a strong attempt to make plans for her birthday, and wether or not I should call her... she called me.

 

Last night, when I least expected it, Jenn called. I think she was half surprised that I was home already. (I had the day off because I had some dental work done... ouch... ) Anyhow, she expected to get my machine but said she was happy that we could talk. Almost six weeks since our last conversation, and again, immediately it was just so easy. The little doubt and wonder I had disappeared.

 

I told her about my injury, and that I was at the dentist, so it was hard to talk, and she was very concerned. She apologized for being so busy, and that she really wants to have another visit. She said that she misses Parker and I very much. She kept apologizing, and I told her it was okay, that I understand that she is busy, and I have been busy too. Then, she began to cry again.

 

I dont know if she is just overwhelmed with everything going on in her life, but it seems that lately, when we talk, she cannot hold it together. I asked her if everything was okay, and she said yes, but she really wants to spend the day with us soon. I told her that whenever she is available, we will come down for a visit, and to celebrate her birthday.

 

For some reason she was a little surprised by that. She asked, 'you really want to come down and celebrate with me?' Well of course! Why wouldn't I. Dinner and conversation, or a coffee and a walk in the park, it doesn't matter to me. We just miss her.

 

At this point, she started reminiscing about our relationship. She asked if I remembered our first weekend together, and how she wished we never left that cottage. She remembered 'what an amazing weekend that was', and how she 'wishes we could have stayed there forever.'

 

I found it a little strange that she would say this. She hasn't mentioned much about the relationship in a while. I think it mostly has to do with the stress and overwhelming pressure she is under at the moment, and that perhaps those memories just take her back to a peaceful, 'no worry' frame of mind. Thats what I think anyway, and thats what Im telling myself.

 

So in all, the conversation was great. I told her how the next time we saw eachother, my tooth would be fixed, and how I was looking forward to seeing her with a big smile! We said goodbye, and about half hour later, she sent me an email... Just a quick one called, 'To help you smile'. And she sent a picture of her, at her sisters birthday get together. She looked great, and had an ear to ear grin.

 

It did make me smile.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

That is great news. Hope every thing turn out fine.

[Jjasonn28]

Hi everyone.

 

Been a while since I posted, and I honestly don't have much more than the usual stuff to say...

 

Work is keeping me busy.. too busy. I've been out of town for the past 3 weeks, and I miss being home. Well, I dont really miss home, I miss Parker. I come back on the weekends, but I feel badly for him, that I am gone all week. I have friends taking care of him, but still, he's my boy! I miss him like crazy.

 

Havent talked with Jenn much, nor have we seen eachother. Not since September. She is on the home stretch of university, and has buckled down to get it done, and do the best she can. We talked last week, and she is hoping for a visit soon.... whatever that means.

 

Christmas is coming, and I am not looking forward to that. Ive been jaded about it for the past 4 or 5 years now. The year I met Jenn, was the last year I actually celebrated the holiday. Since then, my parents split up, so no more family Christmas', and each following year, Jenn would leave the province to visit friends or her family. So its become kind of my tradition to do absolutely nothing, and spend it with no one. This year, I think I may rent a cottage during the christmas week, and just go north, and spend it alone with Parker. Away from the music, and cheer. Im not proud of the bitterness I hold against it, but this time of year now holds feelings of lonelyness and abandonment more than anything else.

 

So overall, Im not feeling very cheerful. Yes, I have great friends. And I am thankful for them. But Christmas, when I grew up was about family. The only close family I have left is Parker. My little boy. I will no doubt spoil him rotten.

 

Hopefully, the next time I post, I'll be feeling a little better.

[stunned]

Jjasson28,

 

I can understand and share your feelings. At the best of times the holidays can be stressful and depressing. When you've lost a loved one (and a breakup can be as traumatic as a death) they stink. I'm glad you've got Parker. Reach out to your firends as well. Each day may be a roller coaster, but you'll feel better for a while if you can celebate with friends occasionally. (Invite them to lunch, have a gift exchange of inexpensive gifts--set spending limit on gift. I've got such a gift exchange happening in 2 weeks. One of the not-for-profits that I belong to has a "secret buddies" luncheon. It should help lift my spirits. I've got to get out this week and look for a gift for my secret buddy. Not the same as having a signifcant other to shop for, but a treat nonetheless. Giving can be great fun) Another thing that might make you feel better is volunteering to help a charity that's involved in seasonal activities like delivering toys, clothes or food to children and families in need.

 

I'll be spending this holiday with my 4 4-footed kids since my extended family is so far away. I'll spoil them rotten with treats they like and lots of toys. Next year, I'm hoping the kids and I will be able to spend the holidays with family. (Would have made plans for this year if I had any idea that the ex was going to walk away.)

 

Hang in there Jjasson. Keep posting. We'll all get through this together.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello, and thank you stunned, for your reply.

 

Each day may be a roller coaster, but you'll feel better for a while if you can celebate with friends occasionally.

 

 

You are right. And generally speaking, with my involvement in hockey, I am spending a lot of my time with my friends, and it has proved to be the best thing for keeping my 'emotions' in check. This rollercoaster has lasted a year, and although it isn't as strong on a day to day basis as it once was, I still have on what I would say is a consistant basis, overwhelming feelings of being 'lost'.... like something just isn't right, without her in my life.

 

I am trying to remain honest with myself in acknowledging that something special still remains, but at the same time, trying to dismiss them, and hope that with enough time, one day, I will wake up and be free of the lingering heartache...

 

I do plan on visiting with friends over the holidays, there is one party planned where everyone is getting together, but still, on Christmas eve and Christmas day, family is what it is all about. And for Parker and I, I think that we would most enjoy being up north on a lake, secluded from the reminders of the past 4 years.

 

Another thing that might make you feel better is volunteering to help a charity that's involved in seasonal activities like delivering toys, clothes or food to children and families in need.

 

Although perhaps not a very big charitable event, I did last week play in a charity hockey tournament. It involved about 20 teams, all raising money for local childrens organized sports events. It was a great weekend, and I had a lot of fun. Now it wasn't necessarily christmas related, but you are right in that giving, not only of money but even of time, is a good way to put a smile on my face, by being exposed to the smiles of others.

 

 

Hang in there Jjasson. Keep posting. We'll all get through this together.

 

 

Thanks again. I am trying to keep my chin up. I appreciate your support, and in turn, hope that you enjoy the festive season!

 

 

Talk to everyone soon...

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP...good to hear from you again

 

I know that with the holidays close upon us, it is a tough time on several levels. I know I'll be surrounded by couples (parents and my sister's family) and it reminds me of the good times and the Christmas I spent with my ex.

 

It's good to hear you'll be doing your own thing and the cabin seems like a relaxing thing. I hope you enjoy it.

 

I know for me, Christmas/New Years will be a time of reflection on this last year. It was the most painful one of my life so far but I can honestly say it is a year in which I've grown and matured the most.

 

Take care

DP

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks Pedro for your reply.

 

 

 

 

WHEW! the job is done. Its ABOUT TIME. It opened today, exactly on schedule, and everything went smoothly. So until the next one, I can sit back a little and relax.

 

Hoping, of course that the extra time doesn't drive me crazy. I can already feel the anxiety building. This christmas thing is really getting to me. I find myself avoiding doing things with friends, to avoid the 'Christmas Cheer'. It's almost impossible though. wherever you go, there it is.. music, lights... bah.

 

I apologize for my negativity. I will admit that most of this is coming from the fact that I really do feel alone. I know its rediculous, but thats how I feel. I took a walk with Parker today out in the freezing cold snow covered streets, and it felt as though the wind blew right through me.

 

Nothing much else to say at the moment. Im happy to be done the job, but still, not feeling very... happy.

 

Just a rant..

[stunned]

Jason,

 

I understand how you feel. Although you have Parker for company, you need some human contact, too. I thought I'd be spending Christams with my 4-footed kids, without any contact with other people. I had thought I was okay with that until a new friend in one of the not-for-profit groups that I joined after the ex left called and invited me to spend part of Christmas day with her husband and her. I accepted the invitation and actually cried after our conversation ended. I now realize how much I was dreading spending the day without any human contact. I love my 4-footed kids and we'll celebrate, but I'm really glad that I'll spend some of the day with other people.

 

The holidays really are too stressful; there's too much pressure put upon us to be "happy." And, irony of ironies, modern life has fractured far too many extended and immediate families, but we're all expected to act as if our families were whole and happy, even if they've been torn assunder. Memories of past, happy holiday celebrations also make loss of any kind harder to cope with.

 

Hang in ther Jason. If you get an invitation from friends to swing by, accept it. Try and get out to have some human contact, especially on Christmas Day. Parker is good company, but you need a bit of contact with people too, even if it's just going to a cafe for breakfast or lunch. Don't isolate yourself. If you do, memories you don't need to dwell on will depress you. Most importantly, keep coming here and posting. You're not alone, we're all here for you. We'll all get through this together.

[Jjasonn28]

Jason,

 

Hang in ther Jason. If you get an invitation from friends to swing by, accept it. Try and get out to have some human contact, especially on Christmas Day.

 

You know, the last couple years, I did try that. I was invited last minute to one of my best friends house for Christmas day, and I reluctantly went. And although I appreciated the sentiment and the invite, It was clear that part of the reason I was invited was because they felt sorry for me. When they gave me a stocking to open, and I unwrapped socks that were meant to be my friends gift, I realized how uncomfortable I was being there. Sure, they meant well, and I love them for it.... perhaps I just have too much pride.

 

I was also alone on Christmas day last year, when my friend and his girlfriend 'dropped by' and told me they weren't leaving until I agreed to go with them to his family dinner. (This is another friend.) Again, when I got there, people were surprised to see me, and it was clear that it was a little inconvenient that I was there. I'm sure they all wanted to ask why I wasn't with my family, but none did.

 

 

I understand your point though, I really do. And its not that I dont want the company of people, its just that... I dunno, I want the company of people who really WANT my company. Does that make sense? I dont want to be the 5th wheel... I understand that my friend's intentions were pure and from the heart, but that doesn't change the way I feel.

 

But with Christmas quickly approaching, so is it soon to be past. And lately, that is something that I have learned to look forward to. In 3 weeks, is a new beginnin!!

 

Most importantly, keep coming here and posting. You're not alone, we're all here for you. We'll all get through this together.

 

Thank you very much. I have been posting here for over a year, and it is the one outlet, in which I can always depend on. Even when people dont always reply, I find that getting it out, is a great release.

 

But it is always much better to hear the opinions of others. I appreciate everyones encouragement so much. Thank you.

[stunned]

Jason,

 

I'm sorry that you felt uncomfortable around your friends when they've invited you to share part of their Christmas Day. It isn't uncommon for people to be unable to travel to family for the holidays and I'm sure that your friends enjoyed your company. Do you think it was your own discomfort that you were sensing? Even if you're not comfortable, try to reach out to friends again. Don't isolate yourself. When I do that, I start to feel really down. I'm trying to stay busy and to keep a positive outlook on everything. Otherwise, I'd be in such a dark, deep pit of depression that I don't think I'd ever be able to climb out of it. I deserve better than that and so do you, my friend.

 

I hope you have a Merry Christmas, Jason. Give Parker a pat from me and my 4-footed kids.

[WildChild]

Jason I have held back on replying to any of this for quite sometime now, even though I still read it faithfully. I have shook my head many times, and today I shake my head again. I'm sure I don't even have to say what is on my mind, you probably already know. I will say this, I think that it is selfish of you to think that your friends invited you, but really didn't want to spend time with you that Christmas. They invited you didn't they? I further think it is selfish, when you comment that you want to spend time with people who really want to spend time with you. I dunno, but hasn't there been countless times where people of begged, pleaded or otherwise to get you out and about? Not to mention Cheryl, who is now out of your life? Your buddies who want a beer, or go do something and you either a) choose to stay home with Parker or b) go with but sit there many times reflecting on you and Jenn?

 

You are creating your own misery here Jason. Enough is enough. I have listened, help guide, kept my mouth shut, or sometimes have been blunt. Today, all I can tell you is this: knock off your feeling sorry for yourself. You have A LOT of people who do care about you and your wellbeing, and if they are anything like me at this point they are ready to throw snowballs at you!

[Lady Bugg]

Yikes........WC doesn;t pull any punches...but I must say I agree with her on a lot of points. It's been what? A year now?? This thread should be dead and buried...OR a new thread stating that you at least see some light at the end of the tunnel. No one is keeping you from seeing that light...but you.

 

Nevertheless.........happy holidays, to you and Parker

[WildChild]

LOL Lady, that is why I have held off for approx. two months saying anything more. But the whole Christmas thing makes me just shake my head with "unbelievable."

 

Hopefully Jason knows and shouldn't be surprised after all this time to get a response like that from me. And if he is, then maybe FINALLY something I have said to him will sink in LOL

 

@ Jason

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks for the comments.

 

The reason I post here, is to help clear my mind, and dump the overflow of thought and emotions that tend to build in me. In doing so, I expect there to be people who will read, and reply because they feel that in some way they can contribute.

 

I dont always expect to hear nicely wrapped packages of content encouragement. In fact, like everyone else, I too need a good kick in the rear from time to time, to help me see things from a different perspective.

 

And this is why, after a year, I post here somewhat consistantly. Because I do appreciate any and all views, no matter how blunt and to the point. I really do.

 

I am only human. I make mistakes, and I get lost in them.

 

 

If this post has gone on for way to long, then I apologize for having painfully dragged it out. Perhaps tomorrow, when I wake up, every hurt, every question, every doubt will have vanished. If I wake up a new man, untainted, content and whole again, I will be more than happy to start a new post.

 

If that last paragraph came accross as a little sarcastic, then I got my point accross. This thread exists, because regardless of how long its been, I still harbor feelings. Yes, feelings for Jenn. She still holds a piece of my heart. I've tried clicking my heals, to no avail. I close my eyes, but when they open, I still hurt.

 

I have made progress. I am playing hockey 4 times a week, each of which I hang out with my friends afterwards, and do actually enjoy myself. I have buckled down, and put a lot of energy and effort into work, and I tried dating another woman.

 

Sure, sometimes when Im with the guys, I just dont feel like being there. Sometimes, she is on my mind. Im sorry. And sometimes, when I'm stuck in traffic driving home from work... she creeps into my mind, and I get sad. Im sorry. And after two months of dating Cheryl, I didn't feel the same for her as I did after 1 week of seeing Jenn... for that I am also sorry.

 

As for the whole Christmas thing.. meh. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Sure, okay. But atleast then Im not hiding it. Everyone knows, that I want Christmas to be done with. Its no secret. Im not putting on a fake face, prancing around pretending everything is wonderful, and joy has overwhelmed me. I will spoil Parker, and my neice and nephew. Because of their innocence. Other than that, I want nothing to do with the holiday. Why pretend? I dont know if you have the impression that Im hiding away in hopes that people will feel sorry for me. Because thats not what I want. I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL holiday, and celebrate in peace in whicever way will bring them the most joy.

 

And I hope they respect me enough to know to leave me alone. Parker and I are gonna cuddle infront of a movie or two, crack some nuts, drink some coffee, and even have a nice dinner. Its how we are spending the day.

 

 

 

 

I've laid the sarcasm on pretty thick. But Im not gonna go back and delete anything. Its how I feel at the moment. Like it or not, Im not asking anyone to read it, nor reply to it. Its just my release. Its how I feel.

 

 

Or am I wrong?

[WildChild]

Jason, I think you have totally misinterpreted my post and I think you know that. Do I deserve the sarcasm? Rightfully so. I don't care how much you post on here, if you want to post every hour on the hour to help sort things out, then do so. I have hung with you on this thread for nearly a year and have put my 2 cents in.

 

My reply to Lady meant that I didn't hold back the punches because after 2 months of reading on a weekly basis everything that has been going on in your life and not saying a word (in case you hadn't noticed that) and then reading your comment about Christmas? I am frustrated. Not that you are still posting on this after a year, but the mere fact that something has to give. I have also held back saying anything up until yesterday for the mere fact that someday, somewhere, someway something is going to change and I keep hoping that one day when I read, that that something will be here. However, yesterday when I read your post it angered me. Today I read that everyone knows you hate Christmas and you want it over with. That is not what you said in your previous post. Your previous post you said that you want to spend time with people who acutally want to spend time with you, that people only invited you out of feeling sorry for you that Christmas, and that you feel like the 5th wheel. Whether you feel like a 5th wheel or not, they do have a purpose ya know To me I think that was selfish of you to think these people are pittying you. People opened up their hearts and homes to you, anyone with any sort of kindness would do so, and those receiving should be greatful that they have people in their lives that care enough! Whether you want Christmas to be over or not

 

I still have to ask you today, what do you want Jason?

 

And one last thing...you commented that after how many times with Cheryl you didn't feel what you did for Jenn in one week: Two things. 1) Cheryl is not Jenn. And 2) when you met Cheryl, it was the happiest I heard you in a long, long time.

 

I think you forget that those of us who have stood by you after all this long remember these things. We might be just a computer screen name to you, but we have stood by and listened, and helped, or kicked you in the butt when needed. And not once have you ever asked how I have been or anything about me in all this time. But yet I still keep checking up on you. So does that mean that I pity you? Or does that mean I am a friend? I'm not sure what you think at this point because I don't know what your definition of a friend is anymore.

[Jjasonn28]

I am frustrated. Not that you are still posting on this after a year, but the mere fact that something has to give. I have also held back saying anything up until yesterday for the mere fact that someday, somewhere, someway something is going to change and I keep hoping that one day when I read, that that something will be here.

 

Me too. In fact, quite often when I lay in bed at night sleepless, I will think to myself how incredible it would be, to wake up, witha great big smile, and a fresh new incredible outlook on the rest of my life. I also remind myself how its not going to happen all by itself. How It is me, who is going to have to work to achieve that. Perhaps progress is slow, but there is progress.

 

 

Whether you feel like a 5th wheel or not, they do have a purpose ya know To me I think that was selfish of you to think these people are pittying you. People opened up their hearts and homes to you, anyone with any sort of kindness would do so, and those receiving should be greatful that they have people in their lives that care enough!

 

You are absolutely right, I should be greatful, and in fact I am. I did say how even though I did feel that way, that I appreciate their sentiment, and love them for it. But that doesn't change the way I feel. Yes, they did open their hearts to me, and in other circumstances, I would attempt to do the same. But that also, doesn't change the way I feel. It doesn't magically erase the feeling that I am there out of pity. Hmm, Perhaps pity is the wrong word, and Im just having troubles finding the right words to describe the feeling. Yes they opened their hearts, and I know that they were happy to have me, but that doesn't change the fact that I felt out of place.

 

And one last thing...you commented that after how many times with Cheryl you didn't feel what you did for Jenn in one week: Two things. 1) Cheryl is not Jenn. And 2) when you met Cheryl, it was the happiest I heard you in a long, long time.

 

Yes, it was the happiest I had felt in a long time. It was exciting, to feel different, and somewhat special. I know that Cheryl is not Jenn, and I didn't expect her to be. I am just saying that after getting to know her, and spending time with her, the feelings just weren't as powerful after 2 months, as they were after 1 week with Jenn. Am I supposed to settle? Because I wont. I thought that because of my situation, perhaps it would take a little time for those feelings to strengthen, but they didn't. She is a great girl, funny, smart, successful... but I didn't feel the same type of bond. Or chemistry perhaps is a better word.

 

I think you forget that those of us who have stood by you after all this long remember these things. We might be just a computer screen name to you, but we have stood by and listened, and helped, or kicked you in the butt when needed. And not once have you ever asked how I have been or anything about me in all this time.

 

No, infact I dont forget those of you who have been here for me. Yes, I am guilty for not asking how you have been, though I do wonder. And for that I sincerely apologize. You guys arent just screen names to me, as I have talked about you in conversations with friends. Jenn would be the first to tell you just how much I appreciate this forum, and the people here. She doesn't know the site name, or the exact nature of my posts, but she does know that coming here has been a continuing crutch for me, and that it has helped me push through some very painful times.

 

I did take notice how many people havent posted in a while. And I just figured that perhaps they themselves have moved on in their lives, or that perhaps yes, their interest in my fumbling progress has waned.

 

If I have offended any of you, or perhaps not made it clear just infact how much I truly appreciate your support, insight, encouragement, and even candidness.. than let me take a moment to make it clear. I am grateful. I am grateful to everyone who has ever attempted to reach out to me. To everyone who has offered a hand, or who has attempted to uncover my eyes and point me in the right direction, I thank you.

[Lady Bugg]

Sigh.......

 

Jason... I hope my post didn;t offend you. My ONLY reason for saying I was hoping for a "new" thread, was the same as Wild's....I simply want to see you happy again. I too was elated when I read about Cheryl...and I can fully understand not feeling that "bond" you so desperately want to with someone.

That is certainly something you might only feel a few times in your life...if you're lucky.

 

I don't think you should settle for ANYONE. I You don't need to..and I personally admire that quality. I feel the same way.

 

You and Jenn obviously have an incredible bond.....no one is discounting that...and I can't speak for anyone else..but I think that is a double edged sword in your healing process. On one hand it gives you hope...but on the other it keeps you stuck...and I THINK that's sort of where you are now.

This is why many times people find it necessary to cut ALL ties with an ex...because it's the ONLY way forward. To be honest..if I were in Cheryl's shoes I may not have been as comfortable knowing you were so close to an

ex..and spending time with them. In fact that would be a MAJOR red flag for me.....as it would indicate you were NO where ready to date again. That's just me.....

 

Anyway...I hope you find the happiness and contentment you seek...because you certainly deserve it. However you decide to spend your holidays...please

be safe....and happy.

[SuperDave71]

Jason,

 

 

Don't worry about Lady Bugg...I am duct taping her mouth and taking away her keyboard as we speak..

 

 

Tee Hee...

 

 

 

SuperDave71