Conversation with the ex

[Jjasonn28]

Hello again everyone.

 

I just got in from spending the afternoon with Parker and Jenn, and I just thought I would let you all know that it went really well.

 

She had a nice meal ready when we got there, so her sister, her sisters boyfriend, Jenn and I sat and had a nice dinner and conversation. Afterwards, we took Parker to the park, and threw the stick around for a while, and let him go swimming. The conversation was good, and it was really nice to be able to visit with her again.

 

For the most part, the conversation was light. We talked as though we were old friends, and it felt great. Saying goodbye has always been tough though. She is always sad to see Parker and i go, and I will admit that its hard to say goodbye to her too. She said to me that she hopes the friendship we share never has to end, and that we can remain in eachothers lives. I of course agreed with her, and when we hugged good bye, there were a couple tears.

 

I am glad that we went to visit her, and am happy to know that she will always care for me as I do her. We have something together, that should never be thrown away, regardless of wether or not we were once lovers and partners.

 

That being said, I am expecting Cheryl to come over shortly, and I can't wait to see her. We are going to have a coffee, and relax with eachother tonight. I am dieing to give her a big hug.

 

Thats where I am right now. Still on an emotional rollercoaster, however it seems as though the tracks are stableizing. Time to stop being afraid, and enjoy the ride.

 

 

JP

[WildChild]

Jason, I am so happy for you Things are really looking up, and you have your head and heart in the right spot. It's good to hear you're enjoying life, and even work? LOL After I ready your 1st post today, I agree with you. I think things would be easier considering the situation, and it's nice to hear that Cheryl understands the situation enough to not have insecurities.

 

Keep up the good spirits, I do believe you are on the road to recovery

[hosswhispra]

Wow, I am happy for you, JP. You deserve happiness in your life. I think your life is on the upswing now....something that you have really worked hard for.

 

It also remind me that no matter how down someone is about something, things will eventually start to look up with time. So thanks for that.

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks guys!

 

It is a rare night this week that I came back home instead of staying up in the motel for work. So I thought I would quickly reply to say thank you for your continued encouragement.

 

Yep, it looks as thought things are looking up. 9 months ago, I would never have expected things to be the way they are today, or wanted for that matter. But, this is how it is. I am finding the sunshine on cloudy days again, and I cant tell you how refreshing it is to be feeling this way about myself and my life again.

 

I will continue to keep posting the process as it unfolds. No doubt there will be some bumps and obstacles along the way.. it is inevitable.

 

Thanks for all your support.

 

Talk to you soon!!!!!

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Happy weekend!!!

 

I am back for a day from work, so Im just checking in and saying hi. Boy does Parker ever love having me home!! He is such a sweet boy, it is too bad that he is looked upon as being a 'viscious' dog.... such a tragedy.

 

Anyhow, so last weekend I went to visit Jenn. Well, Monday she called and left a message, thanking me for the visit and to let me know that she really misses us. Tuesday, she flew out west to visit her parents. She sent an email when she got there to let me know that she made it safe, and also to tell me what she had planned for her trip. She is also going to call me when she gets back, so that she can come here to see us.

 

Now this is all pretty friendly stuff. And thats where I am finding this a little awkward. Dont get me wrong, we are lucky to have eachother as friends, its just that it feels a little... foreign.. if that makes sense. Even though more than anything, we have been best friends almost since we met. I am happy she called, and sent the email.. it just feels different. I dunno... Just struglling with these thoughts at the moment. Perhaps Im over worked and over tired...

 

 

Shortly after i got home tonight, Cheryl came by, and we hung out for the evening. We cuddled together and watched a movie. Tomorrow I am going to her house to help her move some stuff, then we are going to do some shopping, and perhaps go out for a nice dinner. All week, I looked forward to tomorrow. Well, I mostly looked forward to the hug

 

So thats the update for now. I need some rest, but I cant seem to sleep tonight. Maybe I just have too many things on my mind at once.

 

Until next time..

 

JP

[WildChild]

I know you're out of town working so it will be a few days before you can answer me, but does Jenn know about Cheryl?

[lonely days]

I was thinking the same thing!

[hosswhispra]

I know you're out of town working so it will be a few days before you can answer me, but does Jenn know about Cheryl?

 

I've been curious about this, too.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello all!

 

I am back a day early for the weekend! I may actually get a little time to relax and catch up on sleep!!

 

 

 

I know you're out of town working so it will be a few days before you can answer me, but does Jenn know about Cheryl?

 

 

No, she doesn't know about Cheryl. However, she does know that I have been dating and seeing somebody. That is about as far as we went with that conversation. In time I'm sure she'll want to know more, but for the moment, we both are still hesitant to talk about that stuff in detail. Thats normal though isn't it? If and when she wants to know more, I will tell her.

 

Jenn will be in town for a friends wedding on Saturday, and asked if she could come by in the morning for a visit. So we will be getting together for a coffee and walk with Parker. I am looking forward to the visit, and especially would like to hear about her trip out west. Should she decide that she would like to know more about my situation, I will tell her.

 

I dont want to just come out and tell her everything about Cheryl and I, as I dont want to potentially hurt her feelings. I know I know, it may sound silly to some people, but there is still a vulnerability that is probably best left alone.

 

What would you do in this situation? I may have been accused of caring too much from time to time, but I just dont like to see anybody hurt....

[hosswhispra]

I dont want to just come out and tell her everything about Cheryl and I, as I dont want to potentially hurt her feelings. I know I know, it may sound silly to some people, but there is still a vulnerability that is probably best left alone.

 

What would you do in this situation? I may have been accused of caring too much from time to time, but I just dont like to see anybody hurt....

 

Jenn knows that you're dating someone. I think that is all she needs to know, at this point in time.

 

How's it going with Cheryl????

[WildChild]

At this point I am going to remain mute until after Saturday LOL

[Jjasonn28]

How's it going with Cheryl????

 

Things are going very well. I mean, besides the fact that we havent been spending a ton of time together, as I've been out of town for work a lot the past few weeks.

 

Last night not long after I got home, she came over, and we ordered in some food, relaxed on the couch and watched some television. Tomorrow afternoon, we will probably take the dogs out to a park and enjoy the beginning of fall together. Her dog is a beautiful female Bullmastiff, and Parker and her get along so well.. as though they grew up in the same house together.

 

So I'd say things are well. The progression of getting to know eachother is pretty slow, but everything considered, I would say that is normal. It is perfectly clear though... when we do spend time together, we are very happy in eachothers company. We talk well, and laugh a lot together.... all good things I'd say.

[hosswhispra]

Sounds good, JP. I actually think that taking things slow is the best approach for ANY type of relationship, whether a friendship or romantic one.

 

I can't help it...sometimes I consider it a weakness, but I am a romantic deep down. I keep wanting it to work out with you and Jenn.

 

However, then I think of Cheryl, too. I think that she deserves someone to love her also.

 

Just follow your heart.

[Jjasonn28]

Saturday has come and gone.

 

I sit here tired, waiting for a phonecall from both Cheryl and Jenn. Let me fill you in on the days events.

 

Well, it al really started last night, on my way home from work. I got a phonecall from Jenn on my cell phone. I figured she was calling just to confirm the time she would be visiting. When I answered the phone, it was quiet a moment on the other end. And then, as though it were 7 months ago all over, she began to cry. Of course I was concerned, and when I asked what was wrong, she could only say that she didn't know. That the sound of my voice set her off. She began apologizing for crying, but I told her not to apologize. I told her that if there is ever anything wrong, and she needed someone, she can count on me.

 

After a few minutes she was able to settle herself down, and said she was only calling to tell me that she would be here at about 11:00, and that she isn't sure why she began to cry. She did say that there are only two people in her life that invoke those emotions from her. Her mother, and me. She thanked me for putting up with her, and said that she would see me in the morning.

 

When I got home, I talked to Cheryl. I told her that Jenn would be coming up in the morning at some point to visit. She was cool with it, and said she wanted to get some things done around her house. I went to bed last night feeling a little... weird. I dunno, I was excited and nervous to see Jenn. Nothing new I suppose, but still I had a little trouble sleeping.

 

This morning, she showed up right on time. She came to the door, we hugged, and she came inside only for a few minutes, then asked if we could go for something to eat. We went to a viet-thai restaurant for some noodles, and had normal conversation. She told me about her trip out west, and asked how work was going. She then asked if I wanted to be her date for the wedding.

 

I guess because her sister couldn't go, she was a little weary of going alone. She thought it would be fun if we went together, and it would give us more time to spend together today. But I said no. I dont know if she was surprised by my answer, but it looked like she was. I told her that it would be fun, and of course It would be nice to spend a little more time with her, but I just couldn't go. I asked if she was disappointed, and she said she wasn't, but the look in her eyes said otherwise.

 

It was a little heartwrenching, because I can't remember the last time I flat out said no to her about anything. And especially after her phonecall last night, when I told her that she could always count on me, and that I would always be there for her. Granted, she only wanted me to go for the company, still I feel I let her down. So after dinner, she dropped me off and left for the wedding.

 

When I got home, I put me head down on my pillow and in a few minutes, was sleeping. I woke up to the phone ringing and it was Cheryl. She had finished doing all her errands, and was calling to say hi. She then asked if I wanted to go to that stag and doe with her. I told her that it would be great to see her, but that I didn't feel up for going out tonight. That I was exhausted and just wanted to nap. She said she was going to go, but she would call later when she was leaving so that she could stop by. I agreed, and fell back asleep.

 

I awoke to another phonecall a few hours later. It was Jenn. She left the wedding early and wanted to stop by again to visit us. She stopped by about 20 minutes later, and when she got here, she came in and gave me another hug. I know that weddings do funny things to girls, and could tell that it had effected her in some way because it was a very long hug. We didn't talk much, and she didn't stay long. I made her a tea, and she laid with Parker on the floor and cuddled with him. When her tea was done, she got up to leave, and gave me another long hug.

 

She looked exhausted herself, so I asked that she drive safe and call me when she gets home.

 

So at this point, Jenn will be calling when she gets in, and Cheryl will be calling when the stag and doe is over.

 

It may not seem as though I did a lot today, but I am beat. Probably because my mind has been racing almost every waking minute of the day today. And Im sure part of it is that my head still battles with my heart.

 

Im really not sure what to make of everything. It sure is strange, that I am looking forward to the phonecalls from two different women tonight. For different reasons, that aren't so different.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hey everyone. Im here quick to say hi. I am drained from work, and on top of that, I had a rather funny day. One of those little emotional set backs I think. Nothing too serious, but enough to make me think about circumstances and such. (Which in my case most of the times means trouble, as I tend to over think everything.)

 

Anyhow, was just driving home from work, and had noticed that the leaves have started to change color. Well, one thought process lead to another, and the next thing I knew, I was missing Jenn horribly. For some reason the colors, the scents, everything about fall makes me think of her. Most likely because it is when we met.

 

So yeah, feel like I'm wearing a steel vest at the moment. Lacking physical and emotional energy.

 

On top of that I have been thinking of Cheryl a lot today, and her current situation. Im not quite sure if I had said anything yet about it or not, but I'll fill you in now. She is returning to school this september. Yep, headed to university to get another degree. This sounds great, as she is a very driven and motivated girl. She already has a degree in graphic design, but isn't happy with it. So on the whole, I am excited and happy for her that she has decided to take this step. But on the other hand, the thought of it had already started to emotionally drain me.

 

The reason, is because over the last 10 years, I have been involved with 2 girls. Both of which had decided to go back to school. It was very hard at times to stay strong and supportive of them, while I felt as though I was put on the 'back burner'. Dont get me wrong, I understand that going back to school is a big decision, and a very good one in most cases. And I was happy to help in any way I could, be it emotionally, academically (hehe not very often) or in some cases even financially.

 

But it always took its tool on me, on them and on the relationship. I mean, lets face it. Two girlfriends both decide to go back to school, and now, they are both ex girlfriends. Im not saying that them returning to school was the sole reason for the relationships ending, but I do believe that it played a pretty big part. I tried my hardest to be supportive, and truly believed that the hard parts were only temporary. That the distance and reduced intimacy were just a result of them shifting their priorities as well as being stressed and overworked... etc. Seems that in both cases what started as a great opportunity, a great idea.. turned out to be the beginning of the end.

 

The track record speaks for itself. 0 and 2. Would I be a fool to try it again? The odds seem to be against me.

 

Or do I stop being such an overanalyzing * * * * * * *, (donkey) and start listening to what my heart tells me every morning. Is this cautionary view of continuing education just walls I have built up unintenionally?

 

Head is saying careful, heart is saying who cares.

 

Well, for tonight, Im going to curl up with Parker and fall asleep infront of a movie. Tonight, I dismiss both my head and my heart!

 

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP...good to hear that things are looking up (I've been reading your last couple of posts)

 

I understand how you feel with the thoughts of Cheryl going back to school. I can relate because my last few relationship involved girls who were quite driven and career focussed. I often felt like I was second place to their career aspirations.

 

I know it's easy to see a situation and think that 'oh, here we go again...', but we never know how things will work out. Cheryl is not Jenn and you don't know how she'll manage school, you, etc. She maybe completely brilliant at balancing everything.

 

Your caution is normal and is a result of your experience and growth of a person. I think it's important to evaluate what YOU want at this point in your life, whether it be family, settling down etc...and make that known to Cheryl. You're feelings and wants are just as important as anyone elses. If Cheryl isn't the one for you, there are others out there who will share the same values and goals you do too.

 

Will Cheryl be moving to go back to school (long-distance)? If not, you can see how things evolve and go from there.

 

Take care bud and keep us posted!

 

DP

[Jjasonn28]

Hey Pedro, good to hear from you again.

 

 

 

I know it's easy to see a situation and think that 'oh, here we go again...', but we never know how things will work out. Cheryl is not Jenn and you don't know how she'll manage school, you, etc. She maybe completely brilliant at balancing everything.

 

You are right. I have been thinking more and more about this the past couple days, and it wouldn't be right to assume from the beginning that because it went one way in the past, that it will go the same way now. I am however, a little conflicted now - having done a lot of 'searching' the past little while. On one hand, I want to 'throw caution to the wind', let go of everything, come away from behind the wall and take every moment as it comes. On the other hand, I still question my strength. I wonder if I am even emotionally ready to get myself involved in anything beyond what Cheryl and I have at the moment. I dont mean to sound as though it would be a battle Im not ready to fight. All I mean is that perhaps before I put my heart back out there, maybe I should be absolutely sure it has completely healed. It wouldn't be fair to myself, Cheryl or even Jenn for that matter, if I move forward with even a little baggage from the past.

 

Your caution is normal and is a result of your experience and growth of a person. I think it's important to evaluate what YOU want at this point in your life, whether it be family, settling down etc...and make that known to Cheryl.

 

And thats just it. Im not exactly sure what I want at this point in my life. Every day it seems as though my priorities change. In all honesty Im still trying to get my bearings back, and pick some of the pieces back up. Many of the dreams and goals I had left when Jenn did. Thats a sad truth isn't it....

 

You're feelings and wants are just as important as anyone elses. If Cheryl isn't the one for you, there are others out there who will share the same values and goals you do too.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I know my feelings and wants are just as important. But as mentioned, I'm still a little lost. Still timid. Im hoping time will fix that.

 

 

 

 

JP

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

On the other hand, I still question my strength. I wonder if I am even emotionally ready to get myself involved in anything beyond what Cheryl and I have at the moment. I dont mean to sound as though it would be a battle Im not ready to fight. All I mean is that perhaps before I put my heart back out there, maybe I should be absolutely sure it has completely healed. It wouldn't be fair to myself, Cheryl or even Jenn for that matter, if I move forward with even a little baggage from the past.

 

...you are right on. Moving on too fast before you've healed could spell disaster in the long run. It's good to see you are taking care of yourself in that way

 

And thats just it. Im not exactly sure what I want at this point in my life. Every day it seems as though my priorities change. In all honesty Im still trying to get my bearings back, and pick some of the pieces back up. Many of the dreams and goals I had left when Jenn did. Thats a sad truth isn't it....

 

...and you're still going to have those rough days. We all do... Yesterday was one for me in fact, but it is getting easier and the hurtful feelings do not last long. I guess it's important to realize that dispite things looking so chaotic sometimes, you are far better that 6 months ago. I can see this through your recent post.

 

Keep up with the battle. Victory will come soon!

 

DP

[Jjasonn28]

Hey everyone.

 

I had an interesting weekend, and thought I would keep you updated. First I'll start with a conversation I had with Cheryl tonight.

 

We were relaxing at her house, talking about everything, and nothing... you know how it is. Eventually the topic came up about her going back to school. I guess through my body language or something, she could tell that it is an awkward subject for me. She said she could tell that there was something bothering me about it, so I came out with it. I told her that it was a little unsettling. Well, she is aware of my past, and asked that I dont judge today on any events from the past. I looked at her, and that was the end of the conversation. What she said is the same thing you guys said, but hearing it from her made me somehow feel better about things. Now, I dont know whats going to happen in the future. I dont know where things are headed with her and I, but I do know that I need to treat every new day as just that.. a new day.

 

On a different note, Jenn called me yesterday afternoon. She called to ask for a favor. If I would drive down next sunday to help a friend of hers move into a new apartment. She also suggested that it would be a good chance to celebrate my birthday with me. Well, of course its always great seeing her, but I told her I would call her back later this week to let her know. To tell you the truth, it kind of surprised me a little that she even remembered that my birthday was approaching. She wants to hang out and have a dinner together. Sure, I would like to see her, and I know Parker would love it, but I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. Dont ask me why, I cant explain it, just anxiety of some sort about celebrating my birthday with her.

 

Maybe Im just tired and not thinking straight, or perhaps my anxiety is valid... who knows. Im gonna give it a couple days and see how I feel then.

 

Thats about it for now. Talk to you all soon!!

 

JP

[WildChild]

OK, I have kept my lips tight for the last couple of weeks to see what would transpire from Jenn coming that weekend and I can't not say anything any longer. I KNEW this is what was going to happen, and I hate to say this but shame on Jenn. Do not go and help this weekend Jason. All these months, and months of you healing and trying to make sense of all of this. All these months of her telling you she would come and see you and at the last minute something would come up where she couldn't. All these months of wanting to see you but would not take the initiative to make it happen and now that you have someone new in your life that is taking your attention and focus away from her and the PAST, now she wants to do all of this stuff with you?! Jason, you are a smart man...do not sell yourself short by being blind to what the heck is going on here. I can tell you this from a woman's standpoint...you are going to lose Cheryl if you keep up with this nonsense. I certainly would not keep tolerating it after awhile. Whether you and Jenn are friends or not, when it comes to exes and old relationships "friends" means you are on friendly terms, not friends going out and doing things! Jenn is no dumb bunny (as my Mom would say) and she knows how you feel/felt about her...but guess what?! Where is your money? In Jenn or in Cheryl? I know where mine is. You dreamt of the day you could move forward Jason, don't stall on the freeway to happiness now by backtracking back to the past and to Jenn. Whether it is Cheryl or someone new Jenn has no business pulling this crap...she had MANY chances to make things right with you and she didn't, wouldn't or couldn't. Don't blow it man.

[pedro]

Hey JP....I agree with WildChild on this one

 

It seems strange that Jenn wants you to help her friend move. I'm sure this friend of Jenn has big strong men in her life so they can lend a hand. If it is so she can have you on your birthday, well wouldn't Cheryl want to celebrate it with you too?

 

Remember Cheryl is with you in the here and now...Jenn had her chance and she's in your past. Be careful how you proceed.

 

...just my 0.02 We're here for ya!

DP

[Jjasonn28]

Hi guys.

 

Thanks for your responses. I totally understand where you both are coming from. However, I wasn't very detailed in the conversation Jenn and I had about this weekend. I was rather to the point, and perhaps leaving out a few tidbits made it sound a little worse than it was. So, just to defend Jenn a little, (and please dont be upset at me for it), let me be a little more clear about things.

 

Jenns friend is moving into a new apartment, but doesn't know anyone who owns a truck big enough to move her bed. She had asked Jenn if she did, and in turn, Jenn asked me if I would like to help. She only asked to really move the bed, as they will do the rest themselves, and I am the only one with a truck that Jenn knows. Jenn had told her friend yes, she did know someone, and would ask, but dont count on it, as 'he' is out of town, and very busy.

 

Also, as for combining the move, with time to celebrate my birthday, I guess I should have been more clear, that my birthday is in two weeks. She had said that if I 'did' decide to come down and help, that we could also have a dinner for my birthday as well, because she knows I have other people who would like to be with me on my birthday weekend.

 

I hope that clears a few things up, or any misconceptions about her intentions. Now, that being said, I still agree with you WildChild. With everything, about broken promises, and having all the time in the world, and how now, its not about her anymore. And that is where I think I am getting my anxiety about seeing her from. I truly do cherish her friendship, and would like to remain friends. The transition from love to friendship is a delicate and lets be honest miserably awkward one. I am doing my best to not let feelings interfere with my better judgement, but it is terribly hard sometimes.

 

I understand that if I see her every time she suggests, or every time it is convenient for her, that I will most definitely push Cheryl away. I dont want to do that either, but at the same time, Im not exactly sure where things with Cheryl and I are headed. So for the moment, Im trying to be as honest with myself as I am to them. No secrets, no hidden agendas, just me being me.

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

Wow, this is a tough situation.

 

Cheryl seems like a really nice girl. I think she has genuine feelings for you, too.

 

Given your current situation, I think it's normal that you're feeling uncertain about where you and Cheryl are going. Every dating relationship goes through a period of uncertainty.

 

I am inclined to agree with the advice from WildChild and Pedro. If you have feelings for Cheryl (and you're happy with her) you don't want to risk pushing her away.

 

Gosh, this really is a hard decision to make....after following your thread for months, I sense how deep you're feelings are for Jenn. My advice to you JP, is to follow your heart.

 

Wishing you happiness,

hosswhispra

[Lady Bugg]

Cheryl sounds like a classy lady JP.

For her to be cool with knowing you're meeting up with Jenn..and not over react....(granted you're only in the beginning stages) it says a LOT about the kind of person she is. She sounds like a keeper so far. I hope things work out for you. It sounds like you're handling things as well as you can given the situation.

 

Keep us posted!!

[hosswhispra]

JP-

 

I was at Barnes and Nobles today ready John Gray's book: Mars and Venus Starting Over. It might be a book worth reading. It talks about how men and women react after a break up. John Gray says that men will enter relationships quicker after a break up, before being fully healed.

 

hosswhispra