Conversation with the ex

[hosswhispra]

Well, I would say it was a big part of the distancing towards the end of the relationship. That distance caused me concern, which I then brought up and really 'initiated' the start of our break up. I told her that I wasn't happy.

 

Hello JP,

 

I read WildChild's response to you and I agree with what she said about you having/initiating a talk with your girl. I believe you're going to have to take the reins on this one, JP. I don't think she'll initiate it first---because based on what you write here---I don't feel she's secure enough (for whatever reasons) to initiate the talk with you. Now the time you decide to have this talk is when you feel most up to it/comfortable in initiating it. I trust you will be fine when it comes to the day and you sit down and talk with her about the relationship you share together.

 

There were a couple significant occurrences around the same time that would have sparked her starting on a journey. Now, I cant say for sure, as I am not her, but thinking back on it, it makes sense that these things would cause one to question spirituality. I dont want to get into details, as it is pretty personal to her, and I want to maintin my respect for her. I will say that they effected me as well. That being said, it hurts somewhat that if this is the case, she chose to embark alone, rather than hand in hand. Although I suppose my views at the time probably influenced her decision greatly.

 

I think all your answers to your questions concerning her distance towards you are nestled in that quote right above.

 

As always I wish you well, JP.

[Jjasonn28]

Hi guys.

 

I'm feeling a little down today... I've been presented with a great opportunity.. career wise. The kind of thing that makes all this waiting and searching worth while. Like it was all for a reason. Yet I am sad. It hurts so much not to be able to share it with her. I don't know why, but today, I am really feeling the effects of being removed from love.

 

A relapse I guess. Questioning my worth. Wondering what will ever be good enough.

 

Sorry to bring you down, I just needed to write something.

 

 

 

I want to be good enough.

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

Congratulations on the career opportunity. Are you going to take it?

 

Sorry to hear you've been feeling crummy.

 

Don't ever doubt that you're a great catch.

 

Hang in there.

 

Hosswhispra

[pedro]

Hey JP

 

I know how you feel. I've been offered an short assignment in Ottawa. I would have love to share the good news with my ex. The 'old' her would have been so proud. Things are different now and I have to accept that fact and move on. I'm looking forward to what lies ahead and so should you.

 

Share the good news with your friends and family. A change might be beneficial to keep you busy and not thinking about the ex.

 

I know it's hard dude but keep strong and we're here for you. Keep us informed on your decision.

 

pedro

[Jjasonn28]

Hi guys.

 

Im just posting to let you know how things are going. Well, nothings really happening..

 

I haven't spoken with the ex in 10 days, although she did send me a short email. I guess something is wrong with her phone line, and its takeing a while to get fixed. Never the less, we haven't talked. I know I don't have to tell you how much it hurts to not hear her voice. Yep, I miss her like crazy. Tonight though, more than usual.

 

Tonight was opening night of the hockey season. Kind of a big deal to me, and it would have really been nice to have her there. I didn't ask her, or even tell her it was tonight for that matter.. But part of me hoped that she would be there for me. Yes, its only a recreational hockey league, but its important to me. I love being involved, and enjoy more that just the sport. Afterwards, we all had wings and beer, and I had to put on a fake smile, while I watched and listened to the guys and their wives/girlfriends have a great time. Im not going to say I didn't have fun, because I did. But the whole time, the simple thought was tugging at me heart.... 'she isn't here.'

 

Its such a sinking feeling. On top of that, not talking to her for a while makes it a little harder. In the email she wrote, she mentioned that she missed me and that we really need to make plans soon to see eachother again. And in our last conversation, she said to me as we wrapped up the conversation, 'remember, that you ARE loved.' Yeah, you can only imagine how much that hurt.' Its great to hear, just not from someone who loves you, but doesn't LOVE you.

 

So, I sit here, Monday night. I'm actually a little afraid that I may be coming depressed. I dont want to... but is it something I can control? I have lost my appetite this past week. And my sleeping patterns are horrible. I've been going out with friends.... out for dinner, to the movies, small barbeque get togethers, but at the end of each night, I come home, hug Parker, and shed tears. Nothing feels right. And as for that career opportunity, I think I lost the chance. I had the job, and only had to call back and confirm a starting date... but I never called.... I just couldn't. I didn't WANT to.

 

Anyhow, thanks for listening. And thank you all so much for your encouragement thus far. It really does mean a lot to me. This really is the only place I can come to talk about this stuff.

 

Thank you.

[Lady Bugg]

Jason...I know this isn't what you're going to want to hear...but this "halfhearted' contact with your ex seems to be affecting you immensely. I can relate to that big hole in your life but could it be that it feels empty because you are waiting for her to return? You are not saying it verbally, but it's what you're hoping for. I am not saying she'll NEVER come back, How could I know that? All I WILL say is that this is beginning to dictate your life....it's affecting your career, your health and your happiness. Hanging onto the hope that ONE day she might change her mind is not working. I think living your life as if she is NEVER coming back, is the fastest way to healing. yes, it will hurt...but it's hurting worse doing it slowly.

 

Take Care of yourself...and Parker

[Jjasonn28]

Hi LadyBugg.

 

I am doing my best to stay sane. I think that at the very least, being able to recognize that parts of my life are falling apart is a good sign. I can see that my career and my health is suffering. Some days I wish we would hurry up and see eachother, so I can say goodbye.

 

Like you said, who knows what will happen in the future. I cant control or predict that. What I can control is today. And this hoping has gotten the best of me. Its difficult not to hope. As hard as I tried, the things she says, in emails, in conversations, and in messages.. She agrees there is a strong bond between us that goes beyone friendship. She admitted having anxiety attacks when we don't speak for a while. She still calls me babe, and honey, and is truly sincere when she tells me that she misses me.

 

But enough of that. I cant control my own feelings, let alone hers. I can however, stop waiting. I need to stop expecting messages, and late night phone calls. I love her no less today, than I did 5 months ago. I'm hanging on, and its only making things harder on me.

 

The day approaches, I can feel it. I have spent a lot of time in silence, thinking about what I will say to her. I've realised that I will just say what is in my heart. No use trying to dictate from a script in my mind. It will be hard, and it will hurt us both. But its for the best.

 

Its for me.

[Jjasonn28]

Odd.

 

As soon as I post, she calls. She said she missed my voice so much, and that she has come to a decision. The decision of finally taking at least 3 hours a day for herself. (Something I've tried on many occasions to get her to do.)

 

Anyways, the conversation was short. I admit it was nice to hear from her, but I wasn't really in the mood to talk. Could it be because I'm preparing myself to say goodbye? Probably. I wasn't rude or anything, just short I guess. She knows something is wrong, she can 'feel' it.... I hate having to detatch myself. It just feels wrong. But, something I have to do.

 

Anyways, again she said we need to see eachother soon, so I told her whenever she has the time. I am flexible. Nothing is planned yet, but I think most likely within the next couple weeks.

 

I wonder, if she will be surprised. If this will hurt her. Who knows, perhaps she'll be relieved. Well, no matter. I'm doing this for ME. (I have to continue to keep reminding myself.) Its better for me. I need to be happy. Who knew that loving someone so much, could hurt just the same.

 

Anyhow, I'm of to take a walk. To think. To try and find the hidden answer to what this all means.

[WildChild]

One thing to keep in mind JP is it is not forever, final or death. Because you move on today does not mean that someday down the road you won't get back together. What I mean is this: move forward today and don't look back as it's a loss. It's a gain JP, and you need to take advantage of it. Your relationship you had with her has helped mold who you are today. But the key is that you were Jason before you met her. You had a life before you met her. Her presense in your life has added to your character, and she may have completed parts of you, but you have to remember she did not make you. Don't let this ruin you. I was disappointed to hear that you didn't make contact back with the potential new employer. I read that, and I knew or felt you have slunk into depression. Even though we have never met I consider you a friend, and I am concerned about how you have fallen backwards. Jason, please go back and reread everything you have written. You will see your ups and downs, which are completely normal, but you will also see how in the last few months when you have had more than normal contact with her since the break your emotions are like a roller coaster...up and down. Look at the pattern of those emotions and when did they happen the most? If you read them clearly you will see it's when you heard from her you were happy and when you didn't you were sad. Even your first night of hockey you were sad..yes, it woulda been great for her to have been there, but in all honesty how much TRUE effort has she given to come and see you? How many times has she said she would and then couldn't. How many times has she said she wants to see you but hasn't made the plan to do it, or something came up preventing her to. Yeah, things come up but too many times in this situation. She keeps throwing the ball in your court, and guess what? You have been bounced around.

 

You can't get through the healing process this if this continues like this. You have to heal JP!!! It's a normal course in life! You aren't healing and it is doing a TON of damage to you and your life! She may or may not know what her continuous contact is doing to you. If she doesn't know, then only YOU can tell her. If she takes it selfishly that she needs to have contact with you then like my Dad always says: Sh!t or get off the pot. Meaning one of you has to decide what the heck is going to happen here: you either get back together, or you don't. Being friends right now is too hard because there are too many fresh memories and emotions and you're not using her presense as a friendship, but as a crutch hoping one day it will bring you back together.

 

You have lost any and all control of the situation. You gave up a good job, and didn't even tell them yes or no. Your hockey night left you wishing she was there, and you are putting on false smiles. You are the only one that can change this JP! YOU have to stop it once and for all by either cutting all contact with her and telling her so, or telling her how you feel. You're depressed buddy and until you snap out of it, this is only going to get worse. Go back and reread. Not for the sake of reminiscing, but as a tool to heal, learn, and to give you the strength and courage you need back. Most of all, to give yourself your life back. You deserve it, it's time to move forward and to not look back. Only you can take the step JP, but we will be here for you to lean on.

[hosswhispra]

You are the only one that can change this JP! YOU have to stop it once and for all by either cutting all contact with her and telling her so, or telling her how you feel. You're depressed buddy and until you snap out of it, this is only going to get worse. Go back and reread. Not for the sake of reminiscing, but as a tool to heal, learn, and to give you the strength and courage you need back. Most of all, to give yourself your life back. You deserve it, it's time to move forward and to not look back. Only you can take the step JP, but we will be here for you to lean on.

 

I agree with WildChild, JP.

 

You may feel that you have no control over this entire situation. But that is not true; you are the only one that change your reaction to her. If your relationship is meant to be, it will be. I will always believe this.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello.

 

First Id like to thank you all for being so very supportive through the toughest 5 months of my life. It means so much to me, that you have taken the time out of your own lives, to voice your opinions and advice, though you have never met me.

 

Now I guess, to the problem at hand.

 

So this is where I am. Down in a hole. Reduced physically, emotionally and spiritually, despite my efforts to be conscious of the challenging forces that keep me from becoming a better person to myself. More specifically - hope. Yes, I tried my best to ignore it, to take it with a grain of salt, to not let it get the better of me. But it did, and it has shackled me to the bottom of this ever growing darkened pit. The more I struggle, the worse it becomes, as though its taunting me with every move I make. So the decision is clear. Stop fighting. The shackle hasn't chained me down, I'm holding on to IT.

 

So against my hearts wishes, I will say goodbye to her. And not with hopes that one day we 'will be'. No, a permanent goodbye that has to happen for the good of mankind!! Ok well, perhaps that is a little bit over board, but it is definitely for the good of me. For my well being. I have given all I can. I have taken more than I should have. I can honestly say that the love I feel is pure and unconditional. Movin on, I will take with me the knowledge that I am capable of such deep emotions, but more importanly, realize that I am deserving of that type of love as well. I am a good person. And for my love, I would have given my life. I would have gone to war for it. And while I still feel this way, if needed, I still would. Love is such a great thing. So powerful. And still believing in it after the emotional torture is a testiment to that.

 

I still love her, but have to say goodbye to her. There is no doubt, that it will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. To face her, and say goodbye.

 

Im wondering, how should I do it? I dont want to leave anything unresolved. What I mean is, I dont want to be left with the feeling that I missed something... something was unsaid. But I dont want to overwhelm her with whats been gathering in my heart for the past 5 months. We will be seeing eachother soon, and will have a good day to spend with eachother. I dont want to over do it, but I dont want it to be rushed either. Should I avoid the stuff that will without a doubt bring us to tears? Should it be friendly and enthusiastic? Do I hold in what I feel?

 

There are so many ways this can happen. I dont want any negative feelings left on the table when we part. I would hope that she will know how I feel, and why I have to say goodbye.

 

I guess, in the end, I want her to remember me as more than just another ex. She means so much more to me than that, and I know that we've shared things so deep and personal, and have loved eachother greatly... If I have to be a memory, I want to be a memory she smiles about. A memory that she'll hold dear for a lifetime. Because no matter where I go from here, she will have a special place in my heart... in my life. And nothing, will ever change that. Even when I move on, have fallen in love again, and have given my heart entirely to someone else... I will always have the memory of an amazing woman, who changed my life.

 

So how should I say goodbye? Is there a perfect way?

 

 

JP

[Wimpy]

Hey JP

 

I've been following your rollercoast ride for several months - although haven't posted a great deal...haven't known what to say.

 

I just read your latest post and feel that you have made the right decision. I don't know all the history of why you guys broke up. I guess whatever happened in the past wasn't too horrendous as you have remained such good friends since. However, over the past 5 months I suspect your ex has moved on a considerable way further than you. What I've always felt from reading your posts is that she got in touch or contacted you when things were convenient for her to do so. I know you've been okay with that but now, rightly, I believe you have identified that this is simply not helping the situation and is actually holding you back from healing and moving on.

 

How should you do it? That's hard as your situation is so unique. My only comment would be do you want to spend the day with her having a great day and then sit down and tell her your news or would it be better to perhaps prepare her on the phone as to what you want to do? I don't know really - it's such a strange situation. If you were actually breaking up with her I'd say do it in person (I guess I still, 15 months later carry a lot of hurt over the way my ex broke up with me in an e-mail ). With you it really is quite unique. You are not still together and so I guess you must do what is right for you. Think of yourself for once on this one - you've been giving her all the consideration along the way - time to do what's best for you this time and remember that with the best will in the world you can't completely control the situation so the "ideal" end you want might not happen the way you envisage.

 

Look after yourself and please keep posting.

 

Sorry I didn't have much else to say but wanted to post something.

[Cute Band Rat]

J, I have read over all your posts and I don't think if you're going to break things off with her that you should spend an entire day together. I think you'll lose momentum if you do. If you're going to fire someone you don't let the person work all day then tell them to pack their things.I think that's wrong I think the final break SHOULD be done in person but I think you need to cut to the chase as soon as possible...Be nice, be compassionate..but spending the whole day with her then unloading on her will completely confuse her. I agree with Wimpy..maybe prepare her for whats going to happen beforehand. I wish you luck!!!

[Jjasonn28]

Thank you both Wimpy and Band Rat for your responses.

 

I know that I cant control exactly what will happen. I am only concerned that this final closure is just that. I dont want to walk away with regrets.

 

I think this may be blind siding her quite a bit, so perhaps you are right that I somehow prepare her. I think I'll just let her know that when we are getting together next, I would like to talk about the direction of this friendship. I have to do it in person, because saying goodbye without giving her a final visit with Parker wouldn't be right. I dont want to hurt her, or spite her in any way. (Yes I have decided I need him more than she does, so Im keeping him! I couldn't stand to lose two best friends at the same time...) And also, I want to be able to see her smile, and hug her to say goodbye.

 

I will gather all the strength I can, and try to be positive about it. Just because I can't offer my friendship now, doesn't mean that I wont be able to offer it later. If she will have it, when that time comes... great.

 

But yes, definitely going to say how I feel. I will be strong and positive, but I'm not going to hold back. I was listening to a song last night, and it reminded me that life is too short to NOT say what you are feeling. You never know when that last opportunity will be. (One sweet day... Boyz II Men featuring Mariah Carey). I will not take for granted that we are still on this earth, and I will say my piece.

 

When its all said and done, I hope we can look into eachothers eyes, and understand that what we had was wonderful. I will wish her nothing but joy and happyness in life. She truly deserves it.

 

The certainty of it soon to come to a close is pulling at my heart. But Im trying to stay positive. Though one sun sets, another WILL rise. Time to look at today, and focus on tomorrow right??

 

I'll keep you posted when it happens. I am pretty sure I will need some encouragement. It sure wont be easy.

[Jjasonn28]

My grandfather passed away last night.

 

I am not taking it well. This is the first death in my family, and my grandfather was very special to me. I feel horrible, because I had not seen or spoken to him in quite some time. Death is one of my greatest fears, and it has become a reality. I've never been afraid of my own death, rather, the death of loved ones. There are few people in my life I hold dear to my heart. My grandfather was one of them. He was the sweetest man you could meet. Always smiling, laughing... enjoying everything around him... I miss him so much already.

 

And on top of all this, when I found out the news, my instincts took over, and before I knew it I was an emotional wreck on the phone with my ex. In six months, ive done my absolute best NOT to call her. But I couldn't help myself. I didn't think twice. And not suprising, she was very supportive. She calmed me down, speaking to me the way she used to. I cant thank her enough for being such a great person.

 

Where is the lesson in this? What does it ALL mean? If its all for a reason, it sure as hell seems like that reason is cruel. The things worth living for are crumbling all around me. Ive lost my love, Ive lost my childhood inspiration and hero, and Im losing my best friend. Is this all supposed to make me a better person? If anything, it seems the investment of emotions simply ISN'T WORTH IT.

 

I know I am all over the place. I apologize. And I am reacting at the moment, rather than writing. It just seems that with each passing day, I feel more and more alone....

 

Reaching out to my ex was probably a mistake. She did sincerely care, but that is no longer for her to do. I probably put her in an awkward situation, and I am feeling bad for that now too.

 

I just want to run away. Im a mess

[pedro]

Hi Jason

 

I'm so sorry about your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. YOU ARE NOT ALONE....we are here for you to help you through this diffiicult time.

 

I know life isn't fair sometimes. It seems like when it rains...it pours. Not to compare situations, but I had to put down my cat last week. He had behavior problems, etc.... I took it hard mostly because I got him when my ex and I were together. Giving him up was like saying goodbye to my ex as well. I've been struggling with the memories we've had as a family together. This week has not been so good and I'm wondering what more I can endure. I'm sure you are feeling the same way.

 

I also don't think you should beat yourself up about reaching out to you ex. You need to talk to someone and it appears you still are close enough to share your feelings with her. I would have probably done the same thing. I would just thank her for being there for you.

 

Again, take care of yourself and we are here for you buddy!

[hosswhispra]

Hello JP,

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. Your grandfather knew how much you loved him.

 

It was not a mistake to reach out to her....not at all. We reach out to people we love....so please don't be hard on yourself for that. I don't think you put her in an awkward situation at all. All these months you've been there for her. Now it's her turn to be a source of support for you.

 

Death of a loved one always sheds a huge amount of light of who will be there for you....through the seemingly never ending darkness, all the way to the light at then end of the tunnel....

 

thoughts & prayers to you and your family,

hosswhispra

[WildChild]

Oh, Jp, I am so sorry! My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you I hope you will find some solice in the memories you have with him, he will always be in your heart.

[Jjasonn28]

Thank you Pedro, Hosswhispra and WildChild for your support, and those of you who sent private messages as well. I really appreciate your support.

 

The funeral is tomorrow, and I'll be honest, Im afraid of the final goodbye. He lived a great life, had a HUGE family, and was a great man. I really miss him, and am a little worried that my strength will fail me tomorrow. I will do my best to be happy that has moved on....

 

 

Moved on. Now there is a new concept. I've mentioned before, that this is the first death in my family. 28 years and this is my first funeral. I suspect that from here on in, they will become more frequent. Im trying to deal with my fear of death, and am having troubles with it. Mainly I guess, because I have never been a religious person, and in the past, when someone passed away, that was it. The end, nothing. But dealing with my grandfather's death, I've found myself hoping so hard, that there is infact a heaven. That he has gone to a better place. I questioned my beliefs in religion/spirituality when my gf left, and again now. Im so confused, and full of so many thoughts it feels as though my head will explode soon.

 

Anyway, first things first. Get through tomorrow. And I feel terrible, but it saddens me that the ex wont be there for me. She called today, to see how I was doing, but I didn't pick up. She said that she's worried about me, and is thinking a lot about me. Also, to give her best to my family. The reason I didn't pick up is because I was angry. Sure, I appreciate the fact that she's calling to 'check up' on me. But I dont want that. I dont want her to be a concerned acquaintance. This cordial business is BS, and Im getting sick of it. For months I've been wanting to talk with her. Get together and have a real conversation. I've been wanting to open up, and she knows it. She promised to make an effort, to come see me, she says she misses me, she says that we have something strong and special between us, but she keeps putting things off.

 

I know my emotions are very unstable at the moment. So Im trying my best to not pay attention to the rollercoaster of emotional thoughts going through my head. I need to be on stable ground so that I can calm down, and rationalize. I mean, I love her, but I dont want to anymore, I wish she could be there for me tomorrow, but I dont want to see her ever again... Is that rediculous or what. Im confusing myself so much, its like sea sickness. One minute I cry, next I'm happy, next I'm angry. Is there some medication for this?

 

Sorry for rambling. I must sound like a lunatic. I guess there is some good news though. I took a job. A contractor offered me a position that I was looking for. It's only until the end of the year, but its a good oportunity. I'll be supervising some commercial construction projects, and am looking forward to the challenge. There will be some very long hours, but maybe that will keep my mind off the things that torment me. I worked a couple days this week, and that certainly seemed to be the case. Im a little worried I may overwork myself... I've done it in the past. But I hope I have learned from that I will have to travel out of town for one job, but I'm looking forward to it. Not sure yet what I'll do with Parker though... I suppose I could ask his mommy if she would like to have him for a while..?? But then again, that wont work if I say goodbye to her.

 

I dunno. I need some time to come to my senses. Im so overwhelmed. I would give almost anything to have a hug from her right now. She would whisper in my ear, 'everything is going to be alright.... we'll get through this.'

 

as I am hit by a mack truck, because I was daydreaming in the middle of the highway again....

[Jjasonn28]

Hi everyone.

 

Im back from the funeral, and feeling a little more 'put together' now. It was beautiful. A great honor, for an amazing man.

 

I cried today. Okay, sure, I've cried a lot in the past 5 months, but today was different. At first I was sad, then afterwards, that sadness turned to relief. Tears of content joy... He was a great man, who lead a great life, and many peoples lives have been touched by him. It was sad to say goodbye, but I do believe he is in a better place.

 

I realized something else as well. Life is too short. Too much time is wasted dwelling on past pains that we cannot change. Time is ticking by, and with ever second that passes, so is opportunity. That opportunity is to make the remaining time in this world as wonderful as possible, for myself, and for everyone around me.

 

Its time to leave the past behind. Nothing will change whats already written. If I want to lead an honorable life, I need to look forward. Look to today, and tomorrow. I have been blessed by having many wonderful people be a part of my life. I have felt utter joy, complete contentment, and fullfillment. I want to look forward with a smile, and with any luck, I will make a difference in somebody's life.

 

I didn't realize it, but this October would have been my grandmother's and grandfathers 60th wedding anniversary. That just completely blows my mind. I am proud to be part of his legacy. He had 10 children, 30 grand children, and 9 great grand children. The turn out was unbelievably large, the funeral home had to open a second room to accommodate everyone paying their respects. Family and friends all gathered today to honor him, and I was so incredibly touched by it.

 

The hardest part of the day, was walking in, and seeing a large wonderful photograph of him. I had to get outside, because I could feel myself letting go. I then saw my grandmother, and though frail, struggling to take condolence and be strong herself, was suprisingly happy. I was relieved that she had on that smile.

 

Later at the wake, she sat with me for a while. She asked how I was doing.. And she also asked where Jenn was. (ex). I told her that we are no longer together, but that she sends her best wishes. My grandmother then grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and told me she was sorry, and that they (her and my grandfather) had really liked her.

 

On the day of her late husbands funeral, a day where family who haven't seen eachother for MANY years all came together to celebrate his life, and to show our support to her.... she proved how important family really is, by in her own way grieving for ME. It was strange but a very strong statement.

 

So now I am home, reminding myself of him and why I respected and loved him so much. And I'm feeling somewhat inspired too. To be half the man he was, would make me a great success in life. He may not have had numerous possessions, nor a greatly swollen bank account... but he had family. He gave love respect and friendship, unconditionaly, and which were all returned upon him. Most importantly, he loved life.

[hosswhispra]

I realized something else as well. Life is too short. Too much time is wasted dwelling on past pains that we cannot change. Time is ticking by, and with ever second that passes, so is opportunity. That opportunity is to make the remaining time in this world as wonderful as possible, for myself, and for everyone around me.

 

Hello JP,

 

I am going to tell you something that you may surprise you---and please don't think I'm intending to be rough and gruff with you. I'll just cut to the chase.

 

Yes, life is short. This is why you got to get off your duff, so to speak and tell your girl that you love her. No more hemming and hawing is needed. You need to tell her what's been on your mind for the last several months. If it's meant to be with her, it will be. She's not a mind reader....she has no idea what your thinking about her. You need to tell Jenn (its so nice to know her name, now I when I pray about you two I can ask God to guide JP and Jenn) how you feel, JP!

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks Hosswhispra.

 

You are right, and I will do just that. I have decided however, not to do it over the phone. I want to look her in the eye. I want her to know that everything I am saying is coming from my heart. But even after telling her everything, I still plan on saying goodbye to her. If she ever has a change of heart, she will know how to find me.

 

I hadn't talked to her in a while, until tonight. She called a few times, left some messages, expressing her concern for me. The usual stuff really. Calling me hun, telling me she is thinking a lot about me, and misses us. I didn't answer her calls, or return any either. I dunno why. I just decided that this week I would let that stuff all go.

 

Well tonight she called, concerned, and left another message. Asking me to please call her when I get the message because she was beginning to worry. She then tried to call my cellphone, which she hadn't done in many months. Its funny. Not being available to her raises her anxiety level. So gave in and called her back tonight. She was relieved that I was doing okay, and we talked for a couple hours. She even reminisced a little about our relationship, which was a little odd. We usually avoid that stuff all together.

 

So yeah, there is my update. The only other thing to report is that I am back working full time again, and it does feel good. (Although Parker isn't likeing it very much.)

 

Jenn really wants to get together soon, so I'll update the situation. (She quit her job as a waitress btw, FINALLY.) Since her weekends are almost all free, I assume it will be soon.

 

Take care for now.

 

JP

[Cute Band Rat]

Jason you sound MUCH stronger than you did before. As if in your mind you know what you want to do. I am sure SHE hears it too....especially by your silences. Be strong. You can do this.

[hosswhispra]

Hey JP,

 

Congratulations on your new contracting job!

 

In my opinion, Jenn is behaving in a way that she does not want to let go of you. I don't think she has moved on from you; nor do I believe she is ready to move on from you either. She does not appear to be dating anyone, either. A woman is not going to call several times, the way she calls you if she does not care. She still calls you when you don't always return her phone calls, too. I am not generalizing your situation with anyone elses. Your situation comes accross so different than other break-up stories I read here.

 

Life is so short as you said the other day, JP. thereforeeee, before meeting with her with the intent of saying goodbye to her, please examine if you really want to say goodbye to her. If you truly don't want her out of your life, please reveal that to her AND tell her that you love her in the romantic way, too. I honestly would be so surprised/shocked if she does not feel the same way that you feel for her.

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Thank you both Cute Band Rat and Hosswhispra.

 

I am trying to remain strong. In fact, I have felt pretty good this week. Keeping my head up, and smiling as often as possible.

 

The new job is a great oportunity to improve my skills, but most importantly prove to myself that I AM capable of handling bigger and better jobs. The good thing is, already this contract has turned into 4 contracts with a possible 5th to come. I am looking forward to the challenge for sure. Its a little scary to be going at it alone... but I guess I gotta do, what I gotta do right?

 

As for telling Jenn exactly how I feel about her... I plan on it. When we talk, I am not going to hold anything back. Of course I still want her to be a part of my life, but unless its in a romantic capacity, I dont think it can work. At least not now. I've come to terms that All I have to offer her, is my love. Nothing less. This is why Im also planning on saying goodbye. No doubt its going to hurt, and be very sad... for both of us. I will lay my heart on the table. It will be a sort of closure for me. At least this way I will have no doubt in my mind that she will know. If she ever has a change of heart, she can find me. I honestly do want to stop waking up in the middle of the night thinking about her. I worry about her, I care for her, and its tearing me up having to control my heart like this.

 

Im not perfect. Probably far from it. But there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. Or die trying. Its an amazing feeling, this love... and its something I think I deserve to have reciprocated. Ups and downs, good and bad, I would hold her hand through it all.

 

Still no word on when we will get together. But as I said, I'll keep the progress posted...

 

 

JP