Conversation with the ex

[Jjasonn28]

Just read your latest update.......wow.....wow.

 

I actually felt my eyes sting with tears at reading of Jenn's engagement.......no words can be said.

I've never met you or her and I feel saddened about the whole thing and moved, touched by it.

 

Are you ok Jason?

 

 

Hi Rainz,

 

If I said I was okay, Id be lying to everyone - including myself. These past few days have been awkward. I think the best words to describe how Im feeling are numb... and insignificant.

 

My head is spinning, trying to find the answer to what it all means. When all is said and done, what have I learned? If everything happens for a reason... where and what is that reason.

 

JP

[Rainz]

That's the thing isn't it, trying to find the meaning, reason in the whole thing - if everything happens for a reason. I feel like that about my most recent break up which was around the time yours and Jenn's was.

 

I think some things in life just never make sense, no matter how much we pick them apart you know. They're senseless events that we just have to accept and live with.

 

I've been going through the healing process, ups and downs etc, been in NC for a long time now, made new friends, found new hobbies, been dating a bit here and there, doing things, getting out more etc.....I still have this void in my heart.

 

You met someone new, who you've been with for a year now, have moved on with your life and you still have a huge gaping hole, void in your heart and still don't feel in love with your girl.

 

 

.....Profound stuff eh?.....

 

Didn't think you'd be ok at all...not at all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder if you had not been in the relationship with new Jen if things might have worked out eventually for you and Jenn. I think it is sad that you continued in a relationship with someone you don't love just to be in a relationship...and she is marrying a man she has only known for 6 months...probably also just to be in a relationship. It sounds to me that both of you are cheating your current partners because you are both with partners in body but certainly not in heart and soul. You and Jenn feel this intense bond and connection and yet you are both "faking it" with others. It is indeed possible for you to find love again....perhaps the kind of love you had with Jenn...but that won't happen as long as you settle for someone you are not in love with just to have a partner.

[Jjasonn28]

Didn't think you'd be ok at all...not at all.

 

 

Im not.. Im trying my best to chin up.. and wear a smile, but its hard. If she is truly happy, then thats all that matters. I hurt sure, I feel small, hopefully in time that will all go away.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello Crazy, thanks for your observations.

 

In defense of my current relationship, Im not with her just to be in a relationship. She is a WONDERFUL girl. We get along great, she is funny, sweet, and always a pleasure to be around.

 

However, your points are valid in that I don't feel about her the way I feel about Jenn. At least, not in the same degree. When I first started questioning myself as to why my feelings havent grown greater, I concluded that perhaps time would change that.

 

That was six months ago, and today well, she is a special girl, there is no doubt about it - but there is still that gaping void.

 

 

As for Jenn, and her romantic life, I really can't comment on that, because I have no insight into her feelings anymore.. beyond the bond between her and I. I cant assume that she is engaged to this man just to be in a relationship.. There must be more to it than that...

 

 

And that, is where it stings.

[GoldenHillGuy]

I can't help but wonder if you had stopped talking to Jenn, if your current GF would be more appealing in your eyes. Let's face it, you've still had your heart set on Jenn until very recently. Its not really giving the new girl a fair chance. Either way, great bittersweet story. And I whole heartedly believe you when you say you're glad Jenn is happy. That says ALOT about your character, and your depth of love for this woman!!!

[Jjasonn28]

I can't help but wonder if you had stopped talking to Jenn, if your current GF would be more appealing in your eyes. Let's face it, you've still had your heart set on Jenn until very recently. Its not really giving the new girl a fair chance. Either way, great bittersweet story. And I whole heartedly believe you when you say you're glad Jenn is happy. That says ALOT about your character, and your depth of love for this woman!!!

 

 

Hi Golden

 

 

Thanks for your reply, and the compliment. Bittersweet... aint that the truth. True and absolute love is so powerful, so beautiful - and hurts so much, an Irony of sorts.

 

I have been thinking all week about exactly that - ending all relations with Jenn. But not so much for my sake, but hers. If she is engaged for all the right reasons - and I can only assume that she is, then maybe its time I let her go, so that she can devote her entire heart to her new life.

 

I have been dealing with heartache for over 2 years, and I suppose have learned to deal with it pretty well, and can continue to do so. The thought of it kills me, and I've cried in quiet contemplation every night this week. But for her happiness, I think this is the only answer now.

[Jjasonn28]

Sitting here, I feel so broken..

 

Im listening to a song that Jenn sent me, and it rips me apart.

 

Pull me through, by Jim Cuddy

 

 

I dont think I've ever felt as alone, as I do at this moment.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am sorry you are hurting..I really think you need some time out alone to sort through your feelings. It is not fair to this newer Jen to be second best, the consolation prize. She may be a wonderful woman and you may get along really well, but to continue with her when you are still pining for the other Jenn is not fair to the new Jen. The old Jenn is also not being fair to her new guy. Her declarations to you were so unfair to the guy she is planning on marrying. While this story has the markings of Romeo and Juliet, it is real life not fiction, so real life emotions are involved...other people are involved who are getting shortchanged.

[Ellie2006]

Sitting here, I feel so broken..

 

Im listening to a song that Jenn sent me, and it rips me apart.

 

Pull me through, by Jim Cuddy

 

 

I dont think I've ever felt as alone, as I do at this moment.

 

I am sorry too that you're hurting ...

Please stop listening to the song; I think it's partially what's bringing you down.

 

I have a song like that too ... I dont listen to it anymore. I literally cant because I can feel the tears welling up. Even though I'm no longer as devastated as I was back then, it really takes me back and depresses the heck out of me.

 

While I (kind of) understand what she said about "soul mates," especially about their significant but passing/temporary existence in one's life, I wish, for your sake, those words were left unspoken. I think there's a lot of truth in the saying that sometimes it's kinder to be cruel ...

 

I was thinking today (and you may disagree) that, as painful as it may be for you right now, maybe Jenn's wedding is the final step necessary for you to truly move on from this relationship.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[Jjasonn28]

Hi Ellie.

 

Its okay, I only listened to the song once. Im not crazy enough to to torture myself like that on purpose.

 

I think your right about this being the final step. Ive made the decision to stop being friends with her. For her sake, and for mine. Im expecting a call sometime this week from her. It will be difficult to say goodbye - but its just something that needs to be done now.

 

MANY people will argue that it should have been done a LONG time ago but I dont have any regrets in regards to remaining her friend. But with a new life on her horizon, there is no reason for us to continue complicating eachothers lives.

 

I still have to straighten my thoughts as to what I want to say to her. It is going to be probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to have. I mean really... how do you say goodbye to someone who means so much to you?

 

I will always be here for her, do I leave that door open and tell her that? Do I tell her that I will always love her? Or do I supress it all, and simply say goodbye...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Ask yourself this question...would you like to hear your current girlfriend tell a guy that she still is in love with but who is marrying someone else that she will always love him and will always be there for him?

[Jjasonn28]

Ask yourself this question...would you like to hear your current girlfriend tell a guy that she still is in love with but who is marrying someone else that she will always love him and will always be there for him?

 

Hearing it that way, I suppose not. But i cant change that she will always have a special place in my heart, and I will never forget that... I cant ever forget that. And when I say I will always be here for her.. what I mean is if she ever truly needs someone, she can count on me. I dont want her to send a messy text when she's had a lousy day... not at all. I just mean in the grand scheme of things... I'll always be here for her..

 

 

I dunno... it makes sense to me..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hearing it that way, I suppose not. But i cant change that she will always have a special place in my heart, and I will never forget that... I cant ever forget that. And when I say I will always be here for her.. what I mean is if she ever truly needs someone, she can count on me. I dont want her to send a messy text when she's had a lousy day... not at all. I just mean in the grand scheme of things... I'll always be here for her..

 

 

I dunno... it makes sense to me..

 

If you found someone who really knocked your socks off, you wouldn't feel that way anymore. The fact that you have this very special place in your heart for your ex and that the love you have for her is still romantic love as opposed to friendship love, means that the partner you are with is not someone who really blows you away...and it is clear that you are settling...and by settling you will never have the chance to meet the love of your life who far surpasses your ex.

[Jjasonn28]

If you found someone who really knocked your socks off, you wouldn't feel that way anymore. The fact that you have this very special place in your heart for your ex and that the love you have for her is still romantic love as opposed to friendship love, means that the partner you are with is not someone who really blows you away...and it is clear that you are settling...and by settling you will never have the chance to meet the love of your life who far surpasses your ex.

 

 

Hello again Crazy.

 

I really appreciate your opinions. I like how to the point you are

 

Thing is... how do I know that the 'someone' who knocks my socks off, or is the 'love of my life' hasn't passed me by? I could end up waiting forever to meet that someone.

 

Jenn wasn't my first love. I was in love twice before I met her. But with her, it was different. It was instant... a 'knock your socks off' thing. It was powerful, and that connection is still there. I dont deny that, and neither does she.

 

 

My current gf is great. Ive said it before. We get along so well, have a lot of similar interests, and at the same time, like to do things on our own. We've been living together for about 8 months, and are extremely compatible in that sense. I care for her... a lot.... respect and admire her. She volunteers her time with sick children, she is caring, sweet, tender, but also strong and she has a great sense of self. She knows what she wants, and she goes for it. I love all these qualities..

 

 

But when the flowers bloomed, Jenn was on my mind.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just because new Jen is a wonderful person, doesn't mean you should be with her. If you were head over heels crazy about her old Jenn would no longer be on your mind. You are forcing yourself in this new relationship because your first choice is no longer available. Just like you knew you were crazy about old Jenn...if you met someone else that really blew you away you would know it...clearly the one you are dating now is not it. If you settle for a life with her you may be comfortable, but not content...and she will feel it...she will feel that something is missing...that you don't love her in a romantic way. Don't hang on to new Jen just because you are afraid you will never find anyone else who will match up to old Jenn. That does a disservice to both you and the new Jen.

[Jjasonn28]

You are forcing yourself in this new relationship because your first choice is no longer available.

 

There is truth to this for sure. When we first met, I wasn't really ready to be in a relationship. But seeing how good we got along, and how well we connected on most levels, I thought that perhaps time would help everything fall into place...

 

I guess it obviously hasn't.

[j0shua]

this is a long-term thread, eh?

 

(just interjecting some forum humor)

[Jjasonn28]

2 and a half years and counting.... There will be an ending to this thread.. one day

[Ellie2006]

Jjason, your thread is like a journal of the past two years, no? I can see how it was cathartic to write out your emotions like this -- and it's helped me and I'm sure many others in their own thought process.

 

As much as I'd hate to see it go, do you ever think about deleting the thread?

 

This may just be *me* (and irrelevant to your situation), but I tend to overanalyze and I didnt want to re-read any of what I wrote during that period. I didnt want to drive myself crazy, second-guessing what I said & did, and trying to figure out what he might have meant and how I misinterpreted it, and ... well you get the picture

 

While I was sad to delete it -- I felt terrified that I was losing whole chunks from my life, both bitter and sweet -- when it was gone, I felt relieved.

 

Just a thought.

[Jjasonn28]

Yeah. You know, when all is said and done, I will probably delete the thread. I dont often go back and re read what has transpired, but when we say our goodbyes, it will probably be smart to extinguish any remaining flame that may come back to burn me.

 

I will post however on the next week's happenings, and inevitably our conversation. And see where things go from there.

[Rainz]

Hello Jason,

 

I can see how you've entered into the relationship with new Jenn, expecting that given time and giving the relationships a chance that your feelings for her would have grown further and deeper and to this point they haven't.

 

Ex Jenn was a huge part of your life and someone whom you were with for years, and you felt such a strong love for her so I can understand you holding that place in your heart for her.

 

I can see how you've been able to enter another relationship, and I can also see the viewpoint that Crazy has about your current relationship.

 

I wonder if it would have helped your current relationship if you had gone full NC with ex-Jenn beforehand.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello Rainz;

 

Well, all things considered, Im pretty positive that had I been NC with Jenn before I entered a new relationship, things would be different. Hindsight is 20/20 right?

 

I am still very guarded and have a lot of walls up. On a couple of occasions, the new gf has referred to me as being a 'brick wall' emotionally speaking. Of course she was half joking, but half serious. I really dont express my emotions well with anyone anymore. Enotalone is my only source of exhausting my feelings at all really. Well, Parker can be a good listener too sometimes..

 

Am I subconsciously protecting myself? Lets face it, having exposed my heart in the past only led to it being torn apart.

[lady00]

I'm still wondering why you are still with your current gf, based on some of the things you've said recently...it really sounds like the best thing for both of you would be to move on. It doesn't sound like this relationship is really the kind that will get you to forget all about your ex. When it's the right one, that is probably how you will feel. I actually don't think the contact with Jenn is what has prevented you from having those feelings for your gf...I think it's that the dynamic between the two of you isn't where it should be by things stage in your relationship. Sure, the contact with Jenn probably didn't help things with your new relationship but I don't think that's the main problem. The main problem seems to be that your feelings for your gf aren't as strong as you want them to be. Of course it doesn't help that you have Jenn on a pedestal and have strong feelings for her, but I think when you meet someone who really blows your socks off, none of that will matter.

[Jjasonn28]

but I think when you meet someone who really blows your socks off, none of that will matter.

 

 

This is the part that I find hard to wrap my head around. In the days since Jenn and I broke up. I have met a lot of women. Mostly, my friends trying to hook me up with people they know etc.. etc... But not a single one, smacked me upside the head and blew my socks off.

 

There was however.. a major difference in how I felt about each of these women. What I mean is, there were degree's of interest.. not just a flat out - mmm, no not interested. When I first met my current gf, I was taken by her. Albeit not knocked out cold, but it was clear that we got along great, and I was compelled to continue to get to know her.

 

Is it possible that I am crazy about her, but just supressing it all? She is concerned about me because all week I have been rather blah. She knows about Jenn, and her engagment, and she knows that it brought me down. Im not particularily sad about it as much as I am just numb. I was driving to a meeting at work today and a thought crossed my mind,

 

Was I the rock bottom that Jenn needed to turn her life around? Well I dont have to tell you how little that thought makes me feel. I know I have a problem with over thinking everything... and when I have too much time on my hands, thats what I tend to do.

 

And work has been slow this week.. so its been rough....