7tInNC

redandblack, Been in similar situation to you. After my ex broke up with me and with new job far away, all my friends were gone. I was finishing grad school, working on new career. Found a local church who hosted country dance groups weekly and after finishing the grad school and getting in a routine, started dating again 6 months later. Within a year I'd met a wonderful woman, who I am still married to over 20 years later. So, while it may be hard to feel that way now, your time will come. May be through a totally unexpected contact and a totally unexpected situation! Best to you, 7tInNC

Agree with Blueangel, but good you realized this wasn't the best time to call ex with news about wonderful new bf! Shared experiences make for a wonderful start to a friendship. Perhaps with your ex, someday... Best, 7tInNC

Good that you realized that it might not be best to call up your ex and share all about your new bf this soon after breaking up. Since he broke up with you, understandable response as noted b4. Maybe LONG after you both are in stable relationships you can see if a friendship can be maintained. Agree with Blueangel, shared experiences are a bond with your ex that can be the basis for a friendship in the future. Perhaps, someday... Best, 7tInNC

Quintana, Hard in a bulletin board format to read your heart. Establishing a friendship with an ex can be a wonderful, and frustrating, relationship. Go slow, keep track of your feelings and go ahead and share them with your ex. You two had a special relationship, now the real trick is seeing if you are willing to support each other as friends and fit each other into your current relationships. This can be the hard part. I hope for you that there is someone else you can confide in, not JUST your ex. I had NC with my ex for almost 17 years, just didn't know how or what to say that wouldn't be misconstrued by her husband (whom I like, respect, and knew in college as well) or my wife (who my ex thinks is perfect for me). Then my ex e-mailed me, which I shared with my wife, and we talked a few times while sharing e-mail at least once a month over the past year. Re-establishing contact has been wonderful, but it has also been a learning experience at times understanding how some of our family just didn't think it "right". For instance, my wife has made it clear that even though we've met as families and she has seen for herself that my ex and I talk and interact as friends and she trusts us, she isn't going to become buddy-buddy with my ex. And my ex's Dad couldn't believe she was even talking with me again, said it was disrespectful to her husband. (He didn't seem to think so, but...) Understand that may be the reaction of her friends, other family members, and any men in her life. So much better than NC, but very different than when you were partners. Good luck, and go ahead and give her a return message that is just open and shows your intent of establishing a friendship. Then take it slow and see if you can be part of each others lives without necessarily having a romance! Cheers de 7tInNC

Only can touch on a piece of what you asked, as there seems to be more going on in this woman's head than you understand. And more going through your head than you were able to convey to her. Could each of you perhaps have been afraid of a committment at that time ? If you love this woman as much as you say, then first be honest to her and yourself. Each of you seems to have been scared by the strong feelings you have. Perhaps some counseling would help you (and after you have had some help, someday you can tell her). For now seems best to give her space, try again to reignite a friendship. Then take it easy on each other for awhile! But one thing: yes ex's can come back and become really good friends, and stay ONLY FRIENDS. This is a hard one for Martians to understand, I think. But I've read of it, seen it, and now experienced it. It may take years, it may never happen, but perhaps given time you can resume the friendship. Best, 7tInNC

Agree with some of the message in other posts, go ahead and date again. BUT keep your options open. You never know, but also consider this: are the best partners ones who are mirrors of each other's personalities ? If you parted as friends and still have the love of that friendship, then after a few months of NC, might start with a card (or e-mail) just to keep in contact. Take it from one who wishes he had kept that kind of friendship up with my ex-fiance, not to rekindle the romance, but because the friendship can still be for life even if the romance isn't! In my case it was over 20 years before my "ex" contacted me and we resolved a lot of misunderstandings, but resumed a friendship. You don't have to wait that long! Best, 7tInNC

Thank you for replies. Around the holidays the past two years, this feeling gets a bit stronger. My wife came in contact with an ex herself at a conference last year and the first time I was not thrilled (to say the least), but AFTER my ex was in contact with me I understood and supported her contact. For years, this was shame I felt, not just guilt. Now I no longer feel shame, but do feel guilt. Silly, but my ex has never said "I forgive you" instead as we resumed a friendship, she has certainly treated me as though she has. I think for years I feared, and deep down still fear, that she hasn't forgiven me for the stupidity of my youth. Thankfully, my wife HAS forgiven me for occasional bouts of stupidity - and said so. When we all met as families, our kids and our spouses were both pleasantly surprised to get along, taking the cue from my ex and I, I guess. Still see my ex as a wonderful, "kindred" spirit but both of us are still a bit tempermental where our spouses are the calmer, supportive types. The adults mused that it was interesting how some roles are reversed. End of year holidays with my parents have been trying for many years, and as I don't have many really good friends, I was reliving what was a very painful time 22 years ago. We've moved on and come back to befriend one another when we both are in a better place. Yes, time to give thanks. If my ex and I are truly still friends, we can forgive the unintentional foot-in-mouth or stupid comment. Just have to relax, continue to be honest to the members of both families and enjoy the sharing of mutual interests. Yes there is still love there, but the kind of love where a piece of me rejoices when the ones she loves, including her wonderful hubby, are doing well. Best, 7tinNC

My ex-fiance and I went our separate ways 22 years ago. The end of a 3 year relationship came after I reached for the brass ring and left the college town where we met and moved several hundred miles away. We met each other every month for 4 months, then after completing my graduate exams, she said that it wasn't going to work out. She was my best friend and the gateway to all we knew in that town, I realized many things I had done to kill the romance, but we still were best friends and vowed to stay in touch. We kept in touch for a few years, invited each other to our respective weddings (hard to believe I attended hers, she just her regards), then I just stopped communicating with friends outside my own new marriage and went on to have two wonderful kids with the woman who is now my best friend and soulmate, and went on to have a pretty successful career. Flash forward 21 years and my ex contacts me after seeing that I had posted photos of our whole family and the goings on in a web site. We talk and it is wonderful for a couple of weeks, gets rocky for a few months until both families plan to meet as a family at a runners reunion at the old college in the summer. Friends and therapists give us advice, but basically agree there isn't anything so unusual about a man who is still a friend with his "ex". Much talking and e-mail ensue, the reunion goes wonderfully and everyone sees that my ex and I are still really good friends. Both spouses are reassured, the kids get along (both of us have two girls, similar ages). Now the hard part - we've kept up the friendship, mainly by e-mail and cards with occasional phone calls for some holidays. But I am so fearful that I'll do or say something that will either cause my ex to stop communicating with us, or cause my wife or her husband to be hurt. Silly, perhaps, but I still have a lot of guilt for the initial breakup even after over 22 years. And all because I want to keep in contact with this woman who is still such a special friend to me? Just the guilt of a conservative Christian upbringing ? Thanks for your comments, 7t in NC