No Contact - The Guide

[friscodj]

Certanly a canonical post there Maj. Well done!

[cecerose]

Thank you for this wonderful post, Major!

 

I'm on my first day of NC, after saying my final goodbyes.

 

Cecerose

 

NC/Day 1

[obscurity]

Too start off NC with my ex, I changed my phone number!!

[DG9]

this post helped me SO MUCH major!

thank you! its almost 3 months of NC and it still hurts like the hell! but at least i breathe easier than i did before

 

thanks again!

[whoops]

quick note change their name on your phone to something that reminds you why you broke up with them or simply delete it from existence -

[blender]

That's so great "whoops" I actually changed my ex's name in my cel phone with the word "NO". When he did call I saw the word NO and I didn't answer...thank god.. he was simply having one of those "curiosity moments" about me, and I'm so grateful I didn't give him the satisfaction of hearing my voice, or me responding, or filling him in on my life..just to alleviate his curiosity and guilt over how he ended it.... that's his decision to LIVE WITH.. so it's a great idea to put an alternate word on the caller ID for the ex.. it gives you a gentle reminder to not fall for contact when you are still so vulnerable and need time to gain some perspective, the only time to answer an exes call is when and if they clearly state an intention to "try again"....

[prettydance]

I really think NC is the best way to get rid of people in general, be it exes, friends, etc.

I must say at first in my own experiences they will call me like lunatics, then maybe after 1 month they usually go away.

I have had people NC me and I'm usually like, wow their NCing me. I have usually emailed them to see if they would contact me and when i got no reply i never bothered them again.

[Slagar]

This is a great guide. Wasn't this a sticky back in... february?

 

Well, I hope it stays up there this time

It's really a great informant for people going through a breakup, and for many that are new(er) to this site, or have trouble understanding some of the concepts surrounding No Contact. I still occasionally hear a poster saying "I've been in NC for 2 months now. We just email eachother, and in her last email she said..." ](*,)

 

Hopefully this guide will help more people to better understand this concept, how it works, and find this article a source of peace of mind and inspiration during their hard times.

[Moopem]

Thank yu muchly for yur post =)

I think i'll stick by it!

Thanks for the advice its wunderful!=)

xXx

 

Day 7 of No contact!...Well...just about!=)

[BONO]

By doing *nothing* (NC) nothing can go wrong.

 

The balance of emotion, is so to speak in your hands.

[BONO]

So I am sitting here with a girl ,Mel who agrees 100% and she is from Brasil - near Bradford nr Leeds !

[xLDx]

Just a request, but can we get this re-stickied on the front page? It's helped me out so much, and I don't know if I would have found it soon enough otherwise. Just trying to look out for other people in my situation here.

[BONO]

Bump

 

Scruff

[SuperDave71]

bump bump..

 

ha ha

 

 

-SuperDave71

[papalazarou]

bump bump bump

[AnonymousMG]

I just started NC yesterday, and I'm already having a really rough time with it. Your guide is very helpful, but if anybody could give me some advice specific to my situation I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. The thread can be found here:

[ManOfPlans]

Another good way to find the most helpful posts, for those who may be unaware, is to click the 'rating' link on the main page of posts. This lists all the 5* posts - a great way to get to know the site

[EddieRentz]

I think that this is an absolutely brilliant thread. I have to thank Major.

 

I have tried to initiate NC for 2 weeks now and everyday I get some ridiculous and cold email about either (1) questions she obviously knows the answer to or (2) something about my mail and how I will get it

 

We were together 5.5 years, and lived together for 5 of those years. We were going to get engaged soon... then she goes on a business trip, meets someone and I am out on my ear 3 weeks later. I dont even want to get into the game she played the last 2 weeks of the relationship to (as I realize now) "cushion her landing." Now all of sudden she wants to get rid of her cat (who is pre-relationship) and just devote her life to work.

 

Now, she has taken to asking me advice. Last night about a home reno we had been planning for a while and today about a job interview she is going on. I mean, call the flipping guy you met on your trip!!! if he was so great and made you realize we had problems you couldnt get past or work on, why not ask him????

 

I have not initiated contact with her for 2 weeks and I keep getting hurt by her BS email (which by the way are without any salutation or other normal cordiality).

 

I really think that NC is the only way for me to survive... and if something comes of it, then fine. This thread really opened my eyes... I dont want or need to be her pal, I dont need her crumbs, I am the prize... always have been. These emails, cold as they are, are not from a friend, but rather a parasite.

 

Wish me luck

 

Unfortunately I agreed to give her advice tomorrow - which I will stick to because of my own honor. Then real NC starts... thanks Major

[papalazarou]

Eddie.

 

Cant believe that after 5 years she dumps you for a guy she met on a business trip.

 

I cant help but think that something was going on before.

 

She is a parasite. Beware.

[EddieRentz]

Papa

 

In honesty, I think it is a combination of a lot of things. She is very controlling and insecure, I am passive and irresponsible.

 

We have had money issues (she is somewhat wealthy and I, despite doing quite well the past couple of years, have been building my business this year which has caused me to almost deplete my savings). We have also had intimacy issues (sexual and otherwise) for sometime that she refused to work on for the past 3.5 years (I have been in therapy-she has always balked because of work/stress). In part caused by the fact that I allowed her to enter the "caretaker" role and in part because of the fact that she has many unresolved parental issues she has run away from throughout her life. She and her last boyfriend broke up shortly after she entered therapy and she decided the emotional trauma of therapy wasnt worth the relationship.

 

We also have ceased working on our relationship for the past couple of years with respect to having fun with each other. I allowed us to revert to sitting on the couch every weekend because of hectic work schedules. Weddings and the occasional weekend at her mom's were the extent of our non-vacation down time together.

 

We allowed little resentments to build up against each other over time (I am quite guilty of this). I think my job, given that I have my own business, stresses her out to no end, because of the unstable cash flow. We had talked for months about the fact that she couldnt retire in the near (2-3 years) future for her to stay home and raise kids (she is about to turn 30, I am about to turn 31). This was never something we ever went into depth about though... I told her at the end I would have changed careers, I could take a managment position in my field and bring in that steady income rather than build toward high long term income. In reality, nothing that couldnt be worked on - but it would require a lot of work.

 

I think the guy on the business trip (and literally, on the dance floor at a friend's wedding 1 week before the trip her words to me were were "I love you, I love you, I love, can't wait to get engaged"), represented the fun and excitement of the new, mysterious and baggage free. Moreover, he does the same thing she does, for the same company and has been at the company for the same period of time. I also think that due to our lack of shared hobbies and downtime, that they have a ton to talk about (he hit on her while in a 3 year relationship - his girlfriend about to move accross the country to move in with him... he was unsure of their relationship too). More over, she has reverted over the past few months to calling her closest friends in the world, the three people she works with. All she talks, eats, sleeps and breathes is work lately. When she talks to friends, it is an hour long conversation about work or office gossip.

 

After we broke up she told me she was even getting rid of her cat. This sounds innocuous, but she is a huge animal lover and that cat was hers for years before I was around. For her to get rid of her cat because of her schedule signals something scary in my mind... I really worry about her.

 

Relationships require a lot of care and attention that wasnt given by either of us for a while. I just wish instead of asking this guy "what does it mean that we met?" the day after they flirted and danced, that she would have talked to me... or at least had a conversation with someone she has known longer than 1 month. Our relationship deserved at least that much... I love her so much despite all this pain... I just cant be disrespected anymore.

[papalazarou]

Relationships require a lot of care and attention that wasnt given by either of us for a while. I just wish instead of asking this guy "what does it mean that we met?" the day after they flirted and danced, that she would have talked to me... or at least had a conversation with someone she has known longer than 1 month. Our relationship deserved at least that much... I love her so much despite all this pain... I just cant be disrespected anymore.

 

You know what alot of what you said kind of mirrors what happened with my ex wife. I know it was 4 years ago now and alot of water passed under the bridge but I soo wished she had talked to me instead of some "stranger" that she only just met and had the affair. Or her mum or her dad or her sister if she felt shre couldnt talk to me....

[EddieRentz]

It is a shame when people make poor choices in who they confide in... I wonder how long it will take her to realize that she may never know why she truly ended things.

[kate111]

What about friends who need to have contact with the ex? How should that be handled?

[majord23]

What about friends who need to have contact with the ex? How should that be handled?

 

What do you mean kate?

[kate111]

What about friends in contact with the ex. Isn't that kind of indirect contact?