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No Contact - The Guide


majord23

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Yeah, let's hope your right, man!! Let's see...I've got 52 days of NC. Wow, I didn't even realize it's been that long since NC. I just counted it now...Unfortunately, it's been even LONGER since we've been apart, and she's got that new man I was telling U about. Damn, I hope our ex's remember the love we showed them. Like U said, let's hope!! Haha...

 

-Solo34

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Major, quick question, I'm so seeking advice, my ex left me 8 months ago, the first week after he left I called him once and he said he would be calling me and we could stay in touch... I never heard from him againg, until four months late, (I never contacted him during this time) he simply sent me a b-day card, saying "hope you are well, hope to talk to you soon" I did nothing in reply.

Then two months later he emailed me saying he was "thinking of me and would like to share things going on his life" again I did not reply, because I was still hurting over him so much and he didn't ask me anything about me in his email and I was so afraid if I responded he might just want to "be friends" and I couldn't live with hearing that... so I did nothing, then..

 

A few weeks ago, now 8 months since he originally left me, he sent another email, he did not mention the fact that he sent one two months ago and that I did not respond.. he simply said,

"You've been on my mind and I'd like to get together and talk, no big deal, just a talk, I hope it's okay with you".

 

I did not respond.. and I hope I did the right thing... I'm still so in love with him and can not bear the thought that he might want to just "alleviate his guilt by seeing me" or "just want to remain friends"... I do love him and sometimes wonder if there is a deeper meaning to him contacting me, but I"m too afraid to resond and not get what I really, really, want, which is for him to say he is contacting me now because he want's to "try again". Did I do the right thing by not responding?

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Blender...wow. This is such a hard call. I totally understand what you're thinking. It's almost as if it's "best" 2 do nothing and hold on 2 the thought that he still wants U, rather than going 2 him and finding out that he doesn't want anything other than maybe just a friendship sort of thing. However, I think that U owe it 2 yourself 2 find out what he wants. Either way, U can benefit from this.

 

1. He still loves U 2, and U can both be happily in love 2gether.

 

2. He just wants friendship, and as much as it will hurt U, at least U know that U can look 4 that new man out there.

 

I really hope that it's #1 4 U, however, U won't know until U agree 2 meet with him. Best of luck 2 U, dear friend Blender.

 

-Solo34

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Yeah, solo, I'm still hurting big time, and yes, wondering, but found this thread on "No contact", and was looking for reassurance... I miss the big jerk...that's all, but I just can't reply to him, how many times have you read me saying that? Yeah, I know some night's I'm just hopeless...or perhaps too hopefull... all in all, I just like to hear thoughts of others... and I just miss him so much..but I have to stick with no contact, I'm still to shaky to risk hearing something I don't want to hear by responding to him... after all he never-ever called me in 8 months.. the email thing seems cowardly at this point... don't you think?

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Well, I don't know all the details or why he didn't contact U, but maybe he was really working on bettering himself 4 U and him? Maybe he feels comfortable where he's at now in life, thought over everything, and is truly and honestly ready 2 be the man that U in fact deserve. Maybe that's what this is all about. I mean, it makes sense that he was so focused and didn't want 2 "bother" U until he had it all 2gether, don't U think? He still hasn't given up on U, at least it seems that way 2 me. I honestly think that if he sends U another email, that he (and U) deserves 2 speak with U. Letting him speak 2 U is only going 2 show U who and what he is now. Maybe it's all that U ever wanted and more? I honestly think U should hear him out.

 

-Solo34

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Hi blender,

It is a tough situation because you want him back and he is reaching out, but you don't want to risk putting yourself at risk of heartache again - perfectly understandable.

 

I think your ex is testing the waters - hence his persistance (albeit with gaps inbetween). If you don't respond, keeping in mind that you want him back, then I think you will regret it.

 

So, you have to find a way of responding whilst at the same time ensuring that you put yourself at minimal emotional risk.

 

If I was in your position, I would send a short email containing something like this.

 

"Hi,

Sorry for the delay in replying but I've been really busy. I'm curious as to why it is you want to talk? If you want to discuss us trying again, then it might be something I would consider discussing. However, if it's just to catch up, then it's probably best for us both if we leave things the way they are. I'm doing really well and think that seeing you just for the sake of seeing you might be a step in the wrong direction. Take care."

 

You've already shown him (by ignoring his attempts at contact) that you're not at his beck and call. Sending the above email then let's him know that friendship still isn't an option, but you are willing to consider giving the relationship another chance.

 

The email also shows that you are strong. You haven't weakened in regards to your stance on friendship and aren't willing to compromise your well-being just to see him.

 

You'll have your answer then - he will either tell you that he just wanted to see you, or he may open up and confess that reconciliation is something he has been considering.

If his intentions weren't to get back together, then at least the email will have saved you the trauma of seeing him, and then finding out.

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I think our first barrier to doing NC is that we put a time limit on things. Remember, it only ends when the time is right. Try very very very very hard to accept it will be longer than you expect or might turn into a permanent thing. Don't put a time restraint on it and say "well if i dont' talk to them for a week, all will be fine"

 

Rome wasn't built in a day

 

Great post Dave,

That's the downfall of so many 'No Contacters". Expecting to see and feel the beneficial results of NC very quickly.....and then when 'results' don't come, they break NC. *Boom* - square one.

 

Sometimes we may NEVER see the effect on the ex and that is what you have to be prepared for when cutting off contact.

 

You have to do it for YOU and no-one else.

 

By all means take comfort in the fact that it will affect your ex (it will), but that doesn't mean that they will come back, nor does it mean that you will ever see the effect NC has on them.

 

Know that it does, and use that to stay strong. Great expectations however will just lead to even greater disappointments...and ultimately you breaking NC.

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Hey Major, I loved your post.I'd like to add a few things in here if I may.

 

I have been on both sides of the fence with the NC thing.

 

When I have been the receiver of someone doing NC I have tried to "err" on the side of contacting that person, mostly from fear of rejection...BUT..I think

contacting someone (you hope to reconcile with at some point) is necessary, but only done in VERY small doses. It has to be treated as if you are applying perfume. A little goes a long way. While I agree that it is REALLY up to the dumper to say the words "I want to try again"...the dumper has to let them know they are receptive and harbor no bad feelings.

 

Look at it from the perspective of the dumper....they made the choice to hurt you, and by now they KNOW they hurt you. Maybe they have second guessed their decision. Wouldn't it be arrogant on their part to call up soeone they just hurt very badly and expect that person to be jolly ( although most dumpees would) This is not usually the mindset of a dumper.

A dumper is usually as apprehensive about contacting a dumpee for fear of hearing "You lost out, sorry"...or "I won't take you back". So I think to put this all on the dumpers shoulders is SOMEWHAT unrealistic.

 

Just my thoughts...

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You make valid points. However, I have been in NC for about 6 weeks, and though I want my girlfriend back, it will only happen if she wants me. Believe me if someone really wants to be with you they will go through brick walls to be with you. Yes, they may feel a little apprehension because they may hear "Sorry you lost out", but if they really want you that won't stop them. I have realized these past 6 weeks my love is a gift and worth fighting for. I have put my heart on the line for my ex. I let my guard down and took a risk. If they can't do the same, then they are not worth my time.

 

The times I get tempted to call. I keep telling myself. NO! I am the prize. Not her. I don't have to chase her anymore. She knows how I feel, so the ball is in her court. In the meantime I am working on myself and moving on. If she happens to contact me I won't be jumping back on board so quick. She will have to prove herself. If she doesn't I will still move on. I will no longer settle for scraps. Nor should anyone else here.

 

If she doesn't contact me I have prepared my heart to move on. Its really a win-win if you look at it that way.

 

That doesn't mean I don't miss her. I miss her alot, but what can I do. Is calling her, even if its just a casual "Hi" going to make her want me. It could, but the chances are highly unlikely. Don't you want someone to love you on their own. I don't want to coerce, manipulate, or scheme someone to love me. Its way work for a little while, but then you will be back here crying about how your ex lost that loving feeling for you. Its not worth it. Yes, you may win them back, but chances are they will have the upper hand in the relationship again. Do you really want that? I am not trying to make it a game of control, but the truth is when you let your ex hold the cards you will not be secure in the relationship. Its happened to me before

 

A few years ago, a girl broke my heart. I didn't contact her for about 3 months. I called around the 4th of July, and we got together. She even took me back. It was great for 2 weeks, and then not only did I get heartbroken again, but its was twice as bad, and took me over 3 years to get over her. That right! 3 YEARS! Its not worth it.

 

I am not totally against contacting your ex if you are over them. But if you want to get them back, I really don't think its wise.

 

Move on with out them. Do your best to get over them. Take the advice on this post. It's really helpful. Don't try a rekindle something on your own, its not worth it.

 

You had a life before them, you have one after them. You will get through this. If you allow yourself to.

 

Don't ever forget. YOU ARE THE PRIZE! Not them. Let that sink in. Believe it, and live like it.

 

Let me ask you. If you really in your heart and mind believed you were the prize. What would you do? Would you call your ex? Would you be thinking down about yourself? Would you live like there was no hope for future love? I don't think so. Well act accordingly. Live your life, like you are the Sh!t. That doesn't mean to be an arrogant * * * * *. No, you are confident person with a lot to offer, and you won't settle for less.

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Look at it from the perspective of the dumper....they made the choice to hurt you, and by now they KNOW they hurt you. Maybe they have second guessed their decision. Wouldn't it be arrogant on their part to call up soeone they just hurt very badly and expect that person to be jolly ( although most dumpees would) This is not usually the mindset of a dumper.

A dumper is usually as apprehensive about contacting a dumpee for fear of hearing "You lost out, sorry"...or "I won't take you back". So I think to put this all on the dumpers shoulders is SOMEWHAT unrealistic.

 

Just my thoughts...

 

Hey Lady Bugg,

I see what you're saying but the bottom line is that if a dumper wants a second chance, they *will* contact you (in some way).

 

It might just be a 'how you doing?' email, but make no mistake about it - they will make the effort to do at least that.

 

I've advocated (as in blender's scenario above) clarifying what the ex's intentions are when they contact you. You let them know that there *might* be a chance that you'll consider giving them a second chance...but if that isn't their intention then NC continues.

 

Rest assured, if a dumper wants a second chance they will soon make it clear once you have opened that door a little....and by saying that you may be willing to work on a second chance does just that.

 

Having said all that, I was on the receiving end of NC about 9 years ago. I, as the dumper, had hurt a girl very badly (she had done nothing wrong) and I wanted to stay friends. She was having none of that (ignored calls, hung up on me etc.).

Despite the fact that I was responsible for her pain and felt incredibly guilty, I had absolutely no problem in laying my heart on the line and begging for her back...she was under no illusion as to how sorry I was and how much I wanted her back. In the end we got back together and stayed together for another 2 years.

 

So, I don't think that there is a set rule as to how far a dumper will go in declaring their intentions.

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Major, and Everyone,

 

It's me blender from the above post about my "ex" contacting me with an email many months after he left me and I have not responded. Wow you all have given me wonderful responses from the dumpers point of view. This is so helpful during this difficult heartaching time.

 

Thank you so much, I so appreciate your thoughtful words Major, Your "email example" of what I could send back was so great, but I just can NOT respond to him, I don't like the whole "email" thing afer all this time, I'm almost insulted by it, it's been 8 months, and he sends an "let's get together and talk email" to contact me? He could simply mean, "let's be friends".

 

If he loved me, and wanted to "try again" wouldn't he pick up the phone?

 

Any male dumper point of view on this would be so appreciated. I don't feel like I can lay my heart on the line again by responding saying if you want to "try again" then I'm willing to discuss things", because If he does NOT respond with a "yes" and simply says he'd "like to be friends" it will send me back to square one, and I don't want to go back to all that pain....ya know.. and I have NO idea what his intentions are by the words in his email, they are so vague. I'm still so in love with him and it's too risky for me right now..I'm too fragile.

 

Do you think my NOT having responded to his two emails will make him stay away forever, without trying to "call" at this point? If that is true, then I don't think he's a man that really loves me, a love that will last... thanks everyone for any replies.

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blender,

If you do not respond, he may contact you again or he may not - Not I, nor anyone else, can guess his intentions or predict his future behaviour.

 

You can wait for an email or phonecall from him begging for another chance...being fully aware that that email or call may never come. If you can face that prospect, then you are taking the right action.

 

OR

 

You can respond now and find out what his intentions are, and put an end to the mystery.

 

 

For whatever reason your ex is contacting you, he IS contacting you. Any anxiety, pain and upset caused by this are YOUR responsibilty. He has not said anything further to hurt you - it is you trying to second-guess what his intentions are that IS what's hurting you.

 

Again - your reaction, *not* your ex's actions are what is causing you pain.

 

You use the statement "I can NOT respond to him" in your most recent, and other posts. First and foremost, take responsibilty for this and acknowledge that you CAN respond to him but are CHOOSING not to. It is your choice blender, not something that is impossible to do.

 

Now, you may have certain expectations about what you want from your ex if he is seeking reconciliation (a phone call professing his mistake). That is absolutely fine, and I say if that is what you are waiting for, then by all means don't compromise your beliefs and wait for it.

 

However you must realise (yet again) that this is your choice to do so. Any pain that you feel as a result of this is yours to own also.

 

My own thoughts are that if I was in your shoes, I would be sending the email above to gauge where the ex is coming from. If it isn't what I'm after then at least I know. While it would certainly be painful at least I could then start healing.

 

To let this situation drag on and on however isn't healthy, particularly considering the pain that you seem to be causing yourself.

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i absolutley agree with the post above. You are choosing not to contact him. And really i don't think emailing him back is going to put you back at square one at all. You will know exactly what his intentions are and you can finally put an end to all the wondering. if he is not interested in anything but a friendship...well you have your answer...you can FINALLY move one (b/c it seems that you havne't)

I think by not contacting him you are trying to hold on to some kind of hope that things might work out. It is time to step up and put an end to all of this,whether it be a start of a relationship or the full closure.

I wish you luck...

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Major, Shebop, thanks so much for your responses, and yeah, you're right, I am making a "choice" and for right now, it's the only "safe" one for me... I have to say I would feel just awful if he only wanted to be "friendly" and wants to alleviate his guilt by talking to me again.. If there is a remote possiblity that he is contacting me because he does want a second chance, I think it's his responsiblity to let me know his intentions, I don't want to "spell it out for him", and I know this is my "expectation" and perhaps it is beng to stuborn, but these last months have been so difficult for me, and I'm just getting back on my feet and trying to mend my heart... Maybe I've seen too many old movies, but I just want a man that will step up and say what it is he "wants" not communicate through a vague email that he'd like to "get together and talk" I just guess I deserve more than that after all this time.. I know, and understand it's scary for him and takes a lot of courage to even contact me at all... but he could have been a bit more clear on his own intentions, don't you think? Isn't that up to him at this point? After all, I never disrespected him "needing, time/space" I never-ever contacted him in all this time... and then he sends a vague email... it's just too risky and I don't think it was very "nice" of him to do something so vague....it's his responsibility now if he wants to "try again", not mine. And I guess that is why I am "choosing" to not respond, I resent having to "ask" him what he wants, I believe he should be "telling" me just that..and very clearly at this point, am I expecting too much, is that what you all really think I should consider? thanks for all your help, I'm open to your thoughts even though I may sound a bit stuborn about contacting him.. I just don't feel "right" about it, after all the intamcy, love, we shared an email from him now seems... too little.

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Hey Blender...it's your homeboy Solo here. I just noticed when U said this:

 

"I know, and understand it's scary for him and takes a lot of courage to even contact me at all... but he could have been a bit more clear on his own intentions..."

 

I know that U expect him 2 just out and say that he wants U back, but after more than half a year, he isn't sure what's going on in your life, such as maybe having a new man, etc. I think that he's truly reaching 4 U, but he is guarding himself about it. I know myself that I'd send a little email 2 try and get a feel 4 what U were up 2/thinking. I think that U should understand that he doesn't know what's happened/happening in your life, and I think that he's going about this cautiously and not trying 2 be 2 aggressive about it.

 

Let's say I was 2 try and email my ex after 8 months, I wouldn't know if she had/has a man, etc. I would have 2 go about it like is trying 2 do, that's really why I've been saying that U have 2 give him this chance 2 speak his mind and possibly his heart 2 U. U really aren't ever going 2 know unless U give this guy the time of day. U also have 2 understand that he's changed, and that the past is the past...I think he's trying 2 pursue U like a new relationship should be pursued. He's matured and learned from his mistakes, and I think that he truly wants 2 be with U. Eventually, he's just going 2 give up if there's no reply.

 

I truly advise U 2 listen 2 him, and find out what U truly want 2 know...if he does love U and want U again, or if it's just time 2 move on from him. U can't keep letting him effect U like this. It's time 2 find out just what he wants...and I believe it's exactly what U want from him as well.

 

Your friend,

 

-Solo34

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Solo, there was one sentence in his email that is stopping me from replying when he wrote: "I'd like to get together to talk, nothing big, just a talk, I hope we can." what does "nothing big" mean? It's been a long time and I've been very hurt, it has been a 'big" deal for me... and that he put it this way, makes me think after all the nice things he said in the email, "thinking of you", "would want to get together" etc, and then to close it with "nothing big, just a talk" and he didn't sign it "love", he just wrote his name... I guess for me, in my heart, this is not the sign of a man that is taking it as seriously as I am. don't you think? Shouldn't I consider his choice of words? if nothing else, to protect myself from more "hurting".

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"Nothing big" is his way of just protecting his feelings and 2 try and make U relax about the situation. 8 months away and then saying "love, your ex" is coming on way 2 strong. Like I said before, he doesn't know what you're up 2, if U have a man, etc. He wants 2 get U out 4 the talk, plain and simple...give it the chance. If it's just 2 be friends, then U can spill 2 him how much he has hurt U, etc.

 

Just don't read into all this so much. It's time 2 give him the chance, or let it die. I see nothing wrong with writing "nothing big." It's like I'm saying, he wants 2 tell U face 2 face how he feels instead of spilling his guts over a worthless email, when instead he can tell U by looking into your eyes how much he cares, etc.

 

It's better 2 be face 2 face then over a phone, email, etc. because in person U can see a person's body language, tone of voice, and eyes. All of which tell U so much more than a email or phone call could ever describe. PM me if U need it, girl.

 

-Solo34

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Blender,

 

You can pick this situation apart until the cows come home and no one on this forum can tell you what this guys intentions are but him. It's up to YOU to enter into that "zone". The guy has apparently made SOME effort to contact you..albeit not groveling at your feet, but contact nonetheless. If you wait for him to beat your door down , or send you proclamations of his love, I wouldn't hold my breath. You have yet to reply to ANY of his attempts at contact...what else do you expect him to do?

 

This is where I differ from many posters on this site...and I am sure I'll get beat up for it. Whether you're the dumper OR the dumpee....having TOO much pride is sometimes the downfall in successful reconciliations. Someone broke up with someone...so IF there is to EVER be a reconciliation...SOMEONE has to be the first to give in.Period

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Hi blender,

 

I've always found these comments in my situations to be string along comments. Not to say that this is your case, and if you want to get back together I hope that the conversation is big and postitive and you guys can work it out.

 

In my experience, I have always found that it is better for me to be direct. If my ex asked me to get together to talk about nothing big, I would ask her directly what it was she wanted to talk about and then go from there.

 

Again, I'm not interested in being friends with my ex. If you can be friends with the ex, then I think that is a good thing and he maybe testing these waters to see.

 

I have no idea what he is up to, but I'm curious so let us know.

 

Wishing you the best!

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

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Hey everyone,

 

You all have given me so much to think about, I was so comforted when I got home tonight and saw your responses. I guess one of the truthful reasons I feel so afraid to contact him is because.. I guess I just don't trust his intentions...

 

You all are so right, that if I DON'T respond, I will never know what his intentions are... but even if I find out he does have good intentions and does want to "try again" I have to wonder for "how long" will they be good intentions? Like last time, we were in a commited relationship and just "once" and only "once" I decided to say something to him about his "not looking for work? and he LEFT ME...

 

So yeah, now even though I still love him, I have to wonder, "do I love the man he truly IS, or the man I THOUGHT he was? Until I can answer that honestly to myself, I don't even know which "him" I would be responding to... and that's too risky when my heart is still aching so...

 

I can't tell you how many nights I've written him a response and then just couldn't hit the "send" button, I'm sure I will be coming to all of you again and again to help me through this, but for now, I don't have the courage to find out what his intentions are... I'm afraid...just getting back on my feet after 8 months of crying.... I can't take him rejecting me again, or saying "I just want us to be friends". not right now, I can't see myself being friends with him just yet.. it would be too painful. Being friends with him right now would be like a diabetic sitting in a room full of candy.. Sure I want it, but I can't have it.

 

Thank you all for your patience and guidance, you have all been so great...and I still need a bit of help just to be okay with "not responding" for now.

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Blender, I know how much U are hurting inside, it's a real tough decision 2 make. Just trust your intuition on this.

 

I'm really hurting alot as well, and she hasn't even said a word 2 me. U and I have 2 hang in there, though. It's tough, but we have 2 do it no matter what are minds may think, etc. Try and be strong 4 now.

 

-Solo34

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Thanks Solo, Echo, bcuzitwasfun...

 

yeah I just have to sit and be patient right now, and take care of "me". I am still deeply hurt by his leaving me 8 months ago and I just can't respond and find out "just be friends"... yes, there is a chance and sometimes the romantic in me thinks it's a big chance that he still loves me and wants to try again.

 

But before I can respond, (and perhaps it's too late now to respond, it's been three weeks since he emailed me) I have to know for myself that I will be "okay" if he simply wants to talk to alleviate his guilt and be friends with me. If this is the case, then I would feel "used" to make him feel it's okay to treat a woman like this after a loving relationship, and ya know what, "it's not okay, it's just not very gentlemanly, expecially after the intimacy shared, " to say "I'll be calling you" and then never call for eight months. That's not "okay". No, it's simply wrong for him to have done this to me. I was a woman he planned a future with, at least have the guts to send a note saying: "I've thought about it, and I won't be calling for awhile, sorry if this hurts you but please understand". I was just left to wonder...and yeah cry way too much.

 

I have to say I know for right now, I can't talk to him..perhaps in time, if I have to lose him forever because I have not responded... well that would be very sad. I hope that if his intentions are to "try again" he will be more clear about it and have the courage to contact me again. If not, yeah...I'll be on this site for awhile, trying to "accept this".

 

For now, I'm trying to grab hold of the thought that perhaps he will never try to contact me again now that I haven't responded to his emails.

 

Thanks you all for helping me through this...

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