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No Contact - The Guide


majord23

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blender,

 

You have to ask yourself a question:

 

What is going to help you start to heal from TODAY?

 

Is it finding out that your ex doesn't want to get back with you, or is it waiting for a call that may never come?

 

You have to do what is best for you NOW.

 

Sometimes healing is all about taking a BIG step backwards in order to start your journey forward...and I think that is what you are afraid of.

 

What you aren't seeing is that delaying taking that backwards step doesn't mean that you're not going to have to take it. It will just make it harder if you do have to take it.

 

Right now, I think your ex knows exactly what he wants. He knows whether he wants friendship or reconciliation. That informantion is what holds the key to your future. That information is the difference between you starting the next part of your life or staying in limbo....and all you have to do is send an email to find out in what direction that part of your life will be in.

 

You're delaying your life and prolonging your pain.....and possibly missing out on some of the best times of your life, all because you "can't" press 'Send'.

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Major,

 

First off, thank you for hanging in there with me, you've been very patient, thoughtful and kind. Yes you give solid, sound advice.

 

I have to say that after all this time, I think my heart is telling me to move on, even if some of that time is spent "wondering" what is intentions are... I'm old fashioned and need a man that can 'step up to the plate and say what is on his mind"...

 

I don't feel I should have to "ask" him what he wants, at this point he should be giving some kind of "heads up" and I believe he did when he said in his email, "nothing big, just get together to talk" Nothing big? yeah, he's kinda told me what his intentions are.. yes I could be reading it wrong..but I have to protect myself..

 

I have to ask myself "can you reply and be "okay"? and the answer is for now... No, I just can't do it. Seeing him now would be very painful for me... don't you think I should trust this instinct, about myself, that I'm just not ready to see or talk to him, not without him making his intentions clear..and I don't want to give him the information that "its okay" to talk if he wants to "try again" but not if he wants to "be friends"... it's just too revealing for my heart right now.

 

After hearing whay you and others on this board have said. I feel I need to ask myself questions about what is okay for me.

 

You have helped me with this, and now I'm trying to stop figuring out what he "might" want and instead, go from the point of "what is okay for ME".

 

After all, I've had so much heartache about him, you know, the not sleeping, not eating, not thinking clearly, no joy and I'm just getting back on my feet... starting to laugh again, sleep, be hopeful for a wonderful future for myself and then I receive his vague email... whew.. this is tough... it's just tough..

 

I know you are getting frustrated with me, but when I've written so many different version of replies to his email and none of them "feel" right for me, this is a sign that I'm just not ready... I'm so confused about how MY own feelings... that I can't begin to deal with how he feels right now...good, or bad... I hope I'm doing the right thing, I feel like in my heart I don't have an option, I know in my logical mind that I in fact do have the choice to reply to him, but my heart just says no for now.... it's too fragile. Does this make any sense?

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Hey blender,

I'm not getting frustrated lol, I'm sure you're frustrated enough with yourself.

 

I fully understand that you don't feel ready to send an email and ask him what's happening - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

If that is your decision however, then you must find a way for you to start healing NOW. And that means forgetting about your ex and what he 'might' want.

 

My only concern at the moment (for you) is how we get you back on the road to recovery. I have possibly erred in suggesting that you reply to his email, as I thought that might be the easiest (but hardest ) route....but you aren't ready for that, and that is ok.

 

You don't have to justify to me, or to anyone else, why you feel the way you feel. That's why they are feelings, they are ours and ours alone...and whilst people can attempt to understand how you feel, only you can truly know.

 

.You can't agonise whether to respond or not, or worry about what is going through your ex's mind - you have decided not to respond, so now it's up to you to let go of this pain

 

You have to take steps forward and slowly move on. If your ex does contact you again but fails to do so in a way that you want him to, then you can't let it affect you or second-guess his intentions. You brush it off as something you're not interested in (like a salesman at your door)...and continue on your journey.

 

{{HUGS}}

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hey there.... ok this whole site seems to mainly focus on the dumpee... it has been very very very informative to me as the dumper as to how my ex gf has handled things and why (though she is not computer literate... so i know she hasnt read any of this... she is just a smart girl when it comes to relationships - she was always stronger than I in ours.)

 

im curious, after reading some comments on the dumper having to make contact how I would even go about this!?... we were together for 8yrs

 

anyone been in this situation.... I regret my decission badly - its been 3.5 months since we split up, but only 2 mo 1 week since we moved away from each other. We has not responded to any of my emails, though she has writen me twice.... I have not seen her except to pick up my mail that hasnt completed the transfer process yet... they have been really short visits (cut short by me) but there have been no harsh words (except once from her regarding taxes and claiming single vrs our old commonlaw)

 

I spent the first month and a half fawning over her - sending her emails saying I was sorry, and wanted another chance - expressing words of love etc etc and got NOTHING back from her.... in hindsight I start to wonder if this was ok or not.... still dont know.... hence why I post this question, and where i should go from here.

 

I have since installed my own NC towards her for 2 weeks now, cause I felt after reading these posts that It might be best!

 

back story is she wouldnt commit to marriage - so i left after 6 years engagement... she got a new bf 2 weeks after seperating and while still living together (I found out a month later).... she called it off with him 3 weeks ago... and recently asked me for coffee in a week or two.

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Thanks so much!

 

I'm in the beginnning of NC also. It wasn't a hard decision for me. He wanted to end the relationship. I've tried to be "friends" with exes in the past, and yes, all it did was hurt me. Now I know better.

 

He told me he really really wanted me in his life, but I told him I couldn't do that. I told him if he wanted to end the relationship, I was walking out the door and that would be the end of our contact. I told him not to contact me unless he wants to get back together. But, now, a week later, I'm not even sure that I would want him back! I've had time to think about him and our relationship, and I'm not sure that getting back together would even be a good idea....

 

To all you out there doing NC - stay strong! I hope there is someone better for all of us out there than our exes!

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NC....it is a great great great idea, I wish I had found this site 3 years ago.

 

I am going on over 2 years NC after being dumped and have dated 4 other women since I lost her....some of those for many months. My problem is 'the ex' of 3 years ago is still engrained on my brain, embedded in my heart, and I know if "the one" exists, she was probably it. Yes that is dangerous thinking but it feels true to me.

 

In many respects I know I have healed, improved myself, and moved on. Then after saying that I find myself typing an email I will never send to her....or staring at her picture out of nowhere. 2 years is a long time for that to still be happening. Perhaps I just haven't met the right one yet, but that is just not knowable, I know what I had in the past and that is concrete. I have her email, her cell, her address, I know where she works and it is close to me.....too close. I have bitten every nail, drank every substance, played every guitar riff I could muster and involved myself in every relationship possible just to avoid breaking NC and to keep myself distracted. It gets harder and harder for me, not easier, as the days/weeks/months/years roll by.

 

After two years, what do I risk breaking NC now? Is it betraying myself to break NC now? I feel I have become spiritually whole again and that she won't hurt me, but I might just be overestimating my strength. After all I am writing this post about her....Yet this is getting old, this longing, this languid depression... I cannot bear this much more before I lose any ability to derive joy from anything in life....All my self improvement just might get flushed either way I play this. If she breaks me again I won't recover, if I don't contact her there maybe no point in living it out anyway. I feel all my improvement and self-discovery is for naught without knowing what is up with her...the catalyst behind everything. Am I going through a phase here or is it just time to pickup and call?

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After 2 years, it's time 2 pick up and call...she could be wondering the same exact thing. Think about it, U said that U improved, so U would only have MORE 2 offer her...not less! Give love a 2nd chance...sometimes the 2nd chance is the REAL 1st chance. Meaning, things are probably a whole lot BETTER now 4 the both of U. Give it a shot...U won't know until U try.

 

-Solo34

 

P.S. After 2 years of feeling this way, U KNOW that the feelings are REAL.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Phone: Day 5 NC

Text: Day 2 NC

 

I want to call our mutual friends to say hello, I've not in a while and they've been on my mind hope all is well with them, but I dont want them asking about him. Even when we werent together, we were best of friends, so it was normal for them and everyone else who thought we'd get back together would. I know he doesnt have an ounce of courage in his bone to tell them what happened, and he'll beat around it, so they'll ask me as always.

 

I wonder if he thinks of me when he's around her

if it tugs at his consciousness

if his heart hurts

if deep inside, its eating him alive

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Great document. I am printing this as I speak. Did you wrote a similar document in 2004 ? Is it an updated version?

 

I have been following NO CONTACT for a few months now and noticed that my ex-GF has started to visit my web site on a regular basis.

 

thanX for the advice!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi everyone, it's my first time posting on this site. I implemented the NC rule after a pseudo break-up with this guy. I say "pseudo" because we were never exclusive, and just dating.

 

I thought we had a good weekend together--I went to visit him, he doesn't live in my city. I had no idea about the things he told me the night before I left, about how he's never met any woman that he truly connected with. I suppose I blinded myself to some of the signs that he was backing away from our growing friendship...but he seemed to send a lot of mixed signals.

 

It's been a few days of NC and I am doing okay. This morning I had a doctor's appointment and starting crying when the doctor asked how I was doing. It was so embarrassing! Once I started I couldn't stop. I don't want it to hurt this badly--he wasn't in my life for that long anyway!

 

I guess I'm just mourning what could have been and that I do want to be with someone--deep down I don't think he's really "it" for me, but that doesn't change how much it seems to hurt today.

 

I guess I totally went off on a tangent--reading the NC guide was really helpful and I'm going to come back to it when I need a reminder.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was reading over what people have written and it seems like this was a great place to talk about your NC so I'm bumping it back up there...

 

I've been in NC for about 2 weeks...she broke up with me in march. I tried to remain friends because I told her I'd always be there for her and ofcourse she wanted to be friends. In hiensight I think that might've been a mistake if I ever want her back. Before going NC I talked to her saying I couldnt just be friends and was saying goodbye. In the beginning she was saying she had dealt with 'us' and that she doesnt want to get back together. Then at the end she started crying (as did I) hugging me and then when I whispered "why does this feel so right then?" she said she couldnt look at me and ran inside.

I just wanna know some peoples thoughts on this... as well as something I found out before NC

 

I work with her best friend..and in the beginning she was helping me to get back together. she told me something interesting...around the same time we broke up my ex contacted her friend crying...why? because she just saw her ex, someone she dated for 3 years but was neglected by and who was basically a drunk/jerk. I confronted her on this but she said what would you have done if I came to you crying over him..to which I replied "well I'd tell you how much I love you and remind you of what we have is real" it when real quiet after that and basically the conversation ended...

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Have you answered your own question, mate ??? Give her the best gift in the world ..................................

 

 

 

MISSING YOU, THROUGH NC

 

But at he same time, you cannot use this a panacea to the key for reconcilation, on any level. Telling someone your moving on is easy - showing it ( without a rebound or using someone) requires great power & selfbelief.

 

*Showing* this through pure nature and focus, is not only attractive to the world but more importantly gives you the key to the future.

 

 

Scruff

 

 

 

 

Scruff

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  • 4 weeks later...

The NC guide is brilliant. Unfortunately, the hardest part is implementing it. Thankfully each day after will get slightly better. I don't know if it is the right thing for my situation (we're on a break so she can gain independence, upon which we are to get back together), but it is a great guide for other with a destroyed relationship.

http://www.enotalone.com is a savior!

 

Marco

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Many thanks for bumping this one back up, guys!

 

I've just gone back to NC after a few months of LC and trying to be friends with my ex - I thought I could handle friendship, but then that's theory and not practice...we are on good terms and get on really well (which somehow makes things worse), but if I'm honest with myself I'd be devastated if he found someone else. So NC it is, I have no other option, I need to heal completely (I'm about 77.62% healed ;-)) and move on...

 

Good luck everyone!

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One small query folks / MajorD: you mentioned telling the ex that you're about to implement NC - is it also possible to just "fall off the face of the earth" for a while without informing them that you're doing NC?

 

Oops, have just re-read your post...Not Telling The Ex is Option 2...

 

Doh!

 

Lesson for today: must learn to read ;-)

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Well i hate to break it to everyone, but if you look close enough after the break up, the ex is not the source of your pain...YOU are.

 

Important to keep that in mind.

 

To contact the ex, or to not contact the ex, it doesn't really matter if you forget to take care of yourself.

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Have you answered your own question, mate ??? Give her the best gift in the world ..................................

 

 

 

MISSING YOU, THROUGH NC

 

But at he same time, you cannot use this a panacea to the key for reconcilation, on any level. Telling someone your moving on is easy - showing it ( without a rebound or using someone) requires great power & selfbelief.

 

*Showing* this through pure nature and focus, is not only attractive to the world but more importantly gives you the key to the future.

 

 

Scruff

 

 

 

 

Scruff

 

I couldn't have said this better myself.

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One small query folks / MajorD: you mentioned telling the ex that you're about to implement NC - is it also possible to just "fall off the face of the earth" for a while without informing them that you're doing NC?

 

Oops, have just re-read your post...Not Telling The Ex is Option 2...

 

Doh!

 

Lesson for today: must learn to read ;-)

it sucks when you're forced into option 2 because the other person is too big a coward to suck it up and end it with a real conversation.

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