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No Contact - The Guide


majord23

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What about if I just stopped contact, without telling her, and she calls me? Sometimes I wonder if telling her that I need to work on myself is a good idea. I guess I figure if I just show her that I'm healing and improving, instead of telling her that I need time to heal and improve, it might look stronger... but as always I could be wrong.

 

I don't want to completely ignore her if she calls, either. Maybe it would be better to tell her to give me space after all. I'm still so frazzled over it, I don't know what to do.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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What to do if the ex contacts you after on a few days of proper NC. and then when i said i was serious about the NC and explained to her everything, she then tries speaking to me on Msn....telling me how much she misses me, thinks about me, and kindof wants me back.

 

Shes been texting me, and i asked her if we could work through it, and she replied saying "lets just hang low. See what happens" It sucks cz now i desperately want to contact her!

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SamT, do not contact her, she is just trying to ease her own curiosity about what YOU may up to, and ease her own emotions, guilt, and HER ego.. she wants to know you're "just there" but yet she is NOT ready to be in your life in a respectful, complete way.. so do NOT allow yourself to be "friendzoned", it's too soon for your own heart to "pretend" to be less in her life, and just "be there" for HER issues, HER needs, all the while you are left with "LESS" from her then what you really are wanting from a relationship.

 

If you do as she said, "let's just hang low, see what happens" that's just a way for HER to have you "there" and ease into dating others and not have the emotional responsiblity towards you. So stick with your standards, and remember that telling her that the ONLY reason she may contact YOU is if she is intentionally READY to emotionally committ to being an exclusive couple, THEN you'd be willing to talk, but right now while she's still "not ready" then it's best for you to get busy with your own life, and if in time she discovers that she is HONESTLY READY to be try again as a COUPLE, then she can call, and only for that reason.

 

by setting these standards and self respecting boundaries, it will be so empowering for YOU, it's attractive and most healing, and it also FINALLY allows her the opportunity to suffer the consequences of her own choice to break up, and she will have to find out that she misses YOU, and IF she truly has meaningful respectful honest deep feelings for you. the only way for her to discover this is through YOU setting some boundaries and then going complete NO contact.. and again letting her know that she can ONLY contact you if or when she is every "honestly ready" to try again as a couple.. period.

 

and if she contacts you for any other "friendly" reason, or to "just hang low and see", well you will not reply, you are not willing to settle for less, and you are going to let go and move on, and if she is ever 'ready for something real and committed" then she may contact you.. and you will no longer reply to any other contact from her.. and if someday she discovers that she wants to "try again as a couple" then she has to express that intention and mean it, if she wants to get any response from you. best, blender

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  • 2 months later...

Day 30 of NC. It's really hard today. I can't stop thinking about him....

 

I had to sell the tickets that i bought for us to see the Foo Fighters on eBay at the weekend..... I felt so terrible...

 

I have some upbeat days, but they are fewer recently...

 

When will this get better..........???

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  • 3 months later...
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Here's a direct quote from my ex, the first time that I talked to her after initiating NC:

 

"Once since you stopped talking to me, I started thinking about you more and more."

 

Keep up the NC everyone!

 

How long after starting NC did she say that? I wish my ex would say something like that!

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Here's a direct quote from my ex, the first time that I talked to her after initiating NC:

 

"Once since you stopped talking to me, I started thinking about you more and more."

 

Keep up the NC everyone!

 

 

I can second this. Whenever i go through a period of not speaking to my ex (even as little as a week) she ALWAYS mentions that she's been thinking of me. People really do think about something/someone more when it isn't around.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was the dumper, after we broke up my ex didn't do the NC which i assumed he still wants me. Then i told him about us getting back together and he said now he dates another woman. Now I feel like I'm the dumpee. Will NC help me to get my ex back again?

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  • 3 weeks later...
She is very angry with me for not responding to her and feels it is immature even though I explained everything to her...

 

Hey man...is she the one that ended things? If you are trying to do NC and she is angry at you for not responding to her when she tries to contact you, then she is the immature one, not you. She obviously has no respect for your wishes of NC. Think about that.

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Yeah, she did end things. I know this is very immature and whatnot but I still want her! I dont even know why!!!

 

She obviously wants me in her life. But even if she is mad, do you still think this hurts my chances of making her realize what life is like without me?

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I still cant get a clear answer...What if NC is on somewhat bad terms? She is very angry with me for not responding to her and feels it is immature even though I explained everything to her...

 

if she broke up with you, you really dont owe her an explanation

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I know about the advice people give about trying to avoid your ex will maybe make her come back. but here is my story and i need help.

A few weeks ago me and my girlfriend decided to call it quits, after a break. we decided coz our lives were getting very stressful (due to exams, works ect...) and arguments were starting. Now i have realised this has been the worst decision i have eeeeeever made. she started seeing someone last week, and i recieved a text that said "im missing you a little bit" my head was starting to get messed up and a few days after that i asked her to take me back (she obviously wasnt having any of it) i thought it was the right thing to do at the time, but i started reading on reverse psychology and things and realised what i did was pushing her further away. day to day sometimes we talk via text or msn (we talk about general things) i dont know if i should completely ignore her or whatever coz we are good friends now, but at the same time i want her back so bad...

can anyone help me? tell me there is hope? i really need help and i seriously want her back..

thanks

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I know about the advice people give about trying to avoid your ex will maybe make her come back. but here is my story and i need help.

A few weeks ago me and my girlfriend decided to call it quits, after a break. we decided coz our lives were getting very stressful (due to exams, works ect...) and arguments were starting. Now i have realised this has been the worst decision i have eeeeeever made. she started seeing someone last week, and i recieved a text that said "im missing you a little bit" my head was starting to get messed up and a few days after that i asked her to take me back (she obviously wasnt having any of it) i thought it was the right thing to do at the time, but i started reading on reverse psychology and things and realised what i did was pushing her further away. day to day sometimes we talk via text or msn (we talk about general things) i dont know weither if i should try ignore her or what ever....

can anyone help me? tell me there is hope? i really need help and i seriously want her back..

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  • 2 weeks later...

Very wise words Majord23. My ex wanted to stay friends and I agreed - big mistake. The friendship has gone on for 8 months but is now waining. I did it for one reason and one reason only - I wanted him back. I have sent him a text today basically saying I loved him but its time to end the friendship. However, I have said this before so if you were to ask me if he believed me right now the answer would be "no - most definitely not". If you were to ask me if he were bothered right now the answer would be the same. NC is all I have left. I have ended the friendship (such that it was) and I have found strength in that. Whether or not I have the strength to carry it through I just dont know.

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crolla: If you want your ex back so badly perhaps you should try NC. You don't have to be brutal about it just "disappear" from MSN for a little while and see what happens. Or maybe go LC. For example, if she is the one texting you it might not do any harm in texting back, but perhaps you could hold back on texting straight away and keep the texts very short and sweet. Maybe if she contacts you on MSN you could say a quick hi and then say you've got to go and be vague about what you are doing. At the end of the day what have you got to lose?

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Hi, im new to this and need some advice - this is a complicated one.

My girlfriend dumped me bout 4 weeks ago. Trouble is she's my boss. Now this wasn't some seedy office fling. We've worked together for bout 12 years (not in same office as we're out on the road, but i still report into her.) Before we got together there was always something between us, i knew her inside out and she knew me inside out and as friends we have been through alot together though different times in our lives. We always flirted a lil but never took it any further but i had a soft spot for her and vice versa. People at work always said we should get together. I never classed her as my manager, she was more a friend. Then at X-mas party last year we got drunk and i stayed in her room, NOTHING happened that night, we both slept in our clothes. The next morning tho we were just lying in bed and she kissed me and we just carried on kissing, nothing else. Over the next few weeks we was always texting me & emailing each other and got even closer to each other and she got into my head. I didn't know what to do if to ask her out or not, there was the work thing, didn't wanna ruin our friendship, all sorts of things were going through my head. But then i thought, well she's crossed the line first, i'll ask her out. To cut along story short and asked her out for a drink and she immediately said yes.

 

Things then moved very quickly, we did loads of stuff together, we went to concerts, football, i stayed at her house, she stayed at mine, we took her son for days out and i really bonded with him, i bonded with all her family, we were planning on going away together. Only a couple of close friends at work ever knew about us. I had fallen totally in love with her, i thought we were perfect together.

 

Then just over four weeks ago she ended it. She said she loved me dearly and always will, but she just did not have those feelings for me. She said it makes her sad that the feelings aren't there for her and she wishes they were. I was and still am gutted. We intially had a week of little NC, although she kept poking me on Facebook, sending me stuff. We then started messaging & texting alot, just everday stuff but it was still contact. Last week we met up for the first time as i didn't wanna see her in work for the first time as that would of been too awkward. We got on ok, she said she still feels so bad for what she done to me. Two days later we then go to a colleagues b'day party and she totally ignored me all night.

The next day i e-mailed her and confronted her about it and she denied it and turned it all around on me saying i'd made her feel uncomfortable etc.

 

She then said she needs space and said NC. I agreed and said i won't contact her again on a personal level until she contacts me again. Its now been 5 days and is so hard. (she still pokes me on Facebook and sends me stuff) The problem is the work thing. As ive said she's my manager, everything i do goes through her, she decides where i travel too every week. We haven't spoke at work and she is avoiding me like the plague and its killing me. We are gonna have to speak at some time on some level but i dont know how long to leave it or what to say. I just don't get what i did so wrong. The worst thing out of all of this is ive lost a good good friend of 12 years.....and that hurts the most. I still care for her and don't want to lose her friendship, but i dont know what she wants anymore but can't ask cos of NC.

 

Sorry ive gone on a bit but it seems i feel im in a bit of a unique situation.....any advice?

 

Thanks for reading

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Yea no doubt it hurts, but many if everyone on this board has suffered similarly or identically to you. My ex too said she didnt know why her feelings were gone, felt bad about hurting me, many of the same things yours said and did. It sounds like to me that maybe you were spending too much time together, this can kill attraction in some relationships until one gets fed up or just gives up. What kind of person were you in this relationship? Were you overavailible, did she end up calling the shots, was there any insecurity on your part, jelousy, being unconfident? Please be honest here, nothing to be ashamed of, I became all of the above, and that is why she left me, I became a doormat, perhaps not a strong man(mentally)in her eyes. Dont be so hard on yourself if this is the case, its not as if they verbally tell us stop acting this way or I will eventually leave you, then maybe we would see things in a diffrent light. As far as NC is concerned stick with it, this will increase your chances of possible reconciliation in the future, its either this or being mopey, depressed and always wondering what shes doing, it might be hard in your case because you are co-workers, but if you do run into her dont ignore her or act in pain, but dont necesarily have to converse with her. If she was ignoring you it was either genuinley out of moving on, which probably isnt so if your breakup was fairly recent, or delibritley to get under your skin somewhat, either way stay with NC. Your ex asked for NC and if you are a man of integrity you will give it her, even if it drives you insane, because that is part of being a mature adult.

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