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No Contact - The Guide


majord23

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NC helps, sure, there are the small "i miss her" but it's under control to a point where i can go, "i don't need to care, who am i her bf? pfft" I'm pretty much close to a point where i can move on, and that I'm ready for another relationship.

 

BTW NC will defintely help, especially if they ran off with some other person.

 

1) it shows that you are strong and that you don't need them, it gives them the gift of, "wow, they really don't think i'm worth their time"

 

2) when that relationship ends, and when you can still maintain NC it makes them miss you and the good things about you even more

 

3) You get to focus on you and move -you don't need to deal with that type of drama ever again.

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it sucks when you're forced into option 2 because the other person is too big a coward to suck it up and end it with a real conversation.

 

Yes, I know what you mean - my ex wasn't really keen to discuss matters, which left me with no option but to go NC.

 

Although I feel much better after 3 weeks, I still feel guilty for cutting contact so abruptly - it's as if I'm deliberately trying to be rude, which is not the case. I should never have agreed to be friends, but that's life I guess - much easier in theory than in practice ;-)

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I found it was easier in the long run...I deleted everything..not blocked but just off my list...i did it one night when her name was "EX + Steve = Mad Sex"

 

that I did not need to read :S

 

That is so uncalled for, that is intentional hurt right there.

 

Sorry you had to see that bro.

 

She aint worth it.

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Originally Posted by mike`ca

I found it was easier in the long run...I deleted everything..not blocked but just off my list...i did it one night when her name was "EX + Steve = Mad Sex"

 

that I did not need to read :S

 

ug! that is so childish!

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  • 4 weeks later...
Tips

 

Remove any photos and reminders you have of your ex from your life. Put them in a box and pack them away. You don't need things like that preventing you from moving on.

 

Copy down your ex's email address and phone numbers on a piece of paper, and put them in the same box. Then delete the email address from your computer and their numbers from your phone.

 

Major, great post but I'm going to have to disagree with you on one of your tips: Packing away reminders of your ex like letters, pictures, #'s, etc will not help you move on. In fact, holding on to those things still means you're holding on to hope. If you want to move on you need to get rid of everything, not store it!

 

I strongly suggest throwing away EVERYTHING that you have that reminds you of your ex because one day (weeks, months, years later) you'll stumble upon them and the flashbacks/feelings will come back to you.

 

This happened to me. I threw everything away my ex gave me (so I thought), then one day when I was cleaning out the back of my car I found an envelope of a letter my ex sent me. Although I did tear up the letter and threw it away long before I found it, the envelope alone was enough and it made me really mad because I started thinking about her again. All the lies and the deciet. After that I combed my entire house, car, and everything else to make sure I got rid of everything and I did. The only last remaining memory of her was that envelope but that's long gone now.

 

Just a tip.

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I think if the break up was particularly painful, and came about because of lies and deciet, etc..., I'd definitely want to throw everything away.

 

With my current situation, however, my gf broke up with me without thinking it through. She didn't want to lose me, but she wanted her space, and thought that terminating the relationship was the way to go. (Personally, I think she made a huge mistake). but because I don't have that much anger toward her, I've put all her stuff into a box, and put in on the top shelf of my closet.

 

Also, I'd like to hear what everyone thinks of this: I want to write my ex a letter, explaining that I don't appreciate how she broke up with me, and that I think her expectation to still have me as her best friend and to totally include her in my life was unrealistically naive. Also, I want to tell her that if she comes to realize that she's made a mistake, that, basically, she's going to have to earn it, because I've realized that my love is rare, and worth fighting for.

I haven't written it yet, and I don't plan to until I've gotten my hard drive information from the computer I left at our old apartment.

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Major, great post but I'm going to have to disagree with you on one of your tips: Packing away reminders of your ex like letters, pictures, #'s, etc will not help you move on. In fact, holding on to those things still means you're holding on to hope. If you want to move on you need to get rid of everything, not store it!

 

I strongly suggest throwing away EVERYTHING that you have that reminds you of your ex because one day (weeks, months, years later) you'll stumble upon them and the flashbacks/feelings will come back to you.

 

I agree 100% with this Anthony, 100%.

 

I think when I posted my 'tip' initially, I was looking at it from the perspective of someone who may not feel strong enough to just throw everything out (I know I didn't, but did a couple of months later).

 

If someone is strong enough to do it straight away though, then definitely go for it.

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Also, I'd like to hear what everyone thinks of this: I want to write my ex a letter, explaining that I don't appreciate how she broke up with me, and that I think her expectation to still have me as her best friend and to totally include her in my life was unrealistically naive. Also, I want to tell her that if she comes to realize that she's made a mistake, that, basically, she's going to have to earn it, because I've realized that my love is rare, and worth fighting for.

I haven't written it yet, and I don't plan to until I've gotten my hard drive information from the computer I left at our old apartment.

 

 

Do it if you have to pants, but I think a stronger message comes through actions.

Don't tell your ex that you can't be her friend - show her.

Don't tell your ex that she will have to earn you back - again, show her.

 

Actions are far more powerful than words and also do wonders for your self-esteem.

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Hey, cherrytree; for me, part of my "plan", if you will, is to not jump at every opportunity to chat or hang out or have serious conversations. I want to imply that my life without her is not an empty one.

I love the fact that she sees me thriving without her.

For all intensive purposes, I think if I shape up to be something of a catch, she'll understand that winning me back won't be as easy as saying, "okay, I'm ready now".

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Hey Viper; well, for me, I'm going to move on, and let her know about it, but not by flaunting or bragging.

 

As of right now, the obvious changes I've made include losing a little bit of weight, and going into therapy to address a number of issues that I know have only held me back. (I've made it clear to the ex that I'm doing it for me, not at all for her)

 

But I think the most effective way to do that is to actually build and enjoy a life without her. As my confidence grows, I'll exude that without trying, and I've heard that nothing is worse for the dumper than to see you being happy without them.

 

I agree with a lot of the stuff I've read here that being needy is not attractive. The only thing it might get you is some pity, which gets you nowhere, and seems pathetic after a while.

 

Sometimes I think that she doesn't miss me, and is not thinking about me at all, but here's nothing I can do to make her think of me. I can't do anything to keep myself at the forefront of her consciousness. It used to be that when she wanted me, all she had to do was call, or go into the next room to seek me out; when we first broke up, when she was feeling bad and needed reassurance, she'd call me. She talked a lot about being friends and all that, but it wasn't long before I realized that I needed to disregard all her talk, at least for a little while.

No matter how much I want to be close to her, I KNOW it's bad for me right now. Kind of disappearing has given me a chance to let the horrible feelings inside me run their course, and makes her wonder what I'm up to. It give me time and makes her wonder, and I think this works to my advantage.

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As my confidence grows, I'll exude that without trying, and I've heard that nothing is worse for the dumper than to see you being happy without them.

 

I agree with a lot of the stuff I've read here that being needy is not attractive. The only thing it might get you is some pity, which gets you nowhere, and seems pathetic after a while.

 

 

BINGO

 

 

Two fundamental points that no matter how much time you spend here ( and I have spent alot ) and no matter what situation you are in, is the key to any successful future.

 

 

Scruff

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Awsome guide man its really good!!!

 

But what would you have to do when you still saw her like 1 time a week in the pub or something.

Say a kindly hi/ or wave/smile or go and have a good and nice talk and be youreself and make her laugh ?

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Awsome guide man its really good!!!

 

But what would you have to do when you still saw her like 1 time a week in the pub or something.

Say a kindly hi/ or wave/smile or go and have a good and nice talk and be youreself and make her laugh ?

 

Depends on what you're after mate. If you want her out of your life, then switch pubs - simple

 

If you want her back, then I would say hi to her, and maybe have a brief chat before rejoining your friends and *showing* her that you don't need her to have a good time....and then leave before her.

 

NC is NC though mate - until you can see your ex without your heart leaping, or feeling nervous then I'd advise you to avoid seeing her until you can.

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Love the post, it is helping my situation a lot!

 

My Gf has just broke up with me last week after 2 years because she needs a bit of time to be herself, to experience adventures by herself and to learn to be dependant on herself as she is still young. She doesn't want security anymore she said, yet on Monday her dog was put down and the first person she called was me because she didn't have anyone else to call.

 

I went round to hers later that night to take her some food and just to be there as I knew how much her dog meant to her. She was very grateful and was hugging me, not letting go and asked me to stay (whilst saying I could go as it was not fair). I said I would sleep in the room accross the hall and leave in the morning, which I did. She kept on saying this is the second bad thing to happen to me, what's next? So I asked what was the first and she said breaking up with you. That makes me laugh because I think she has not got a clue what she wants, and if it was such a bad thing to break up with me why did she do it in the first place.

 

The problem is I work with her Monday to Wednesday. So I saw her at work the next day and was still being nice as I know what she is going through, and she was still hurting. I got angry with myself so yesterday I just kept it at minimal contact and smiled when I saw her. She had lunch on her own, and saw me with my mate laughing, whilst she was just sitting there thinking. Plus she knew I was going to London last night with my mate and a few girls and although she said it was ok, I had a feeling it wasn't. I know its helping me gradually move on and she probably will be thinking that.

 

The point of this message is to say what a great thread as everyone's advice is helping and showing me that I can do it, it will just take time. But it will get easier.

 

I now have a chance of NC until Monday, but any advice for when I'm working with her??? As it is difficult seeing her all day. Just suppose to stay with the minimum contact and just be polite, nothing else?

 

Thanks

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