He is always calling me dramatic for calling him out for being rude.

[Lillypoo]

Hi, I’m just looking for some advice/clarification. My boyfriend both in our 30s, he has high functioning autism - means he has communication issues which I do try to understand and have read up and listened to lots of podcasts/audiobooks on to help understand things better. 
Anyway the issue is he constantly say some rude things some I think are just teasing me in a silly way which I don’t mind and on the other hand he can be very rude and sometimes mean. The other day he said out of the blue “you don’t have a sense of humour, you’re not funny” he then said “I don’t look good in the mornings” I told him that’s just rude and he proceeded to say “ oh you are so dramatic” he’s not exactly a Calvin Kline model. I’m not ugly but who looks good in the morning. But it has made me a little self conscious. He was talking about something (vikings, Greek gods) that I know nothing about and he asked me questions on it and I said “I don’t know, tell me” he then said in a rude manner “ do you even know anything” I felt like that was a horrible thing to say, I said “what do you mean” when I talk about anything that I’m interested in you know nothing it like you don’t know anything”. We talk about lots of things and when it comes to history, dinosaurs or some of the tv shows he watches yes I don’t know because that’s his thing and I’m happy to learn and ask questions on things but I have certain interests that he doesn’t know about. If I say anything a little critical he just says “ your so dramatic and I can’t deal with it” . The other day he listed things that annoy him of me and I listed some that grate on me of him but I then asked to even it out to say things we love about each other, his response “nope I’m not doing that”. It was so easy for him to list the annoying things but not the good. I’m starting to think he doesn’t love me anymore, or even like me. The things he does do for me is he phoned me every night, comes to my house every weekend because he drives (we live in different cities), he sometimes pays for meals out. Things I do for him, I buy him things like expensive gifts, make him dinner everytime he stays, I always organise dates, I’m the one initiating affection. He said he loves affection and I get very little even though I like/need it in a relationship which I have told him but he then says I’m attention seeking. The last time we said bye to each other he shakes my hand, it was weird. I will just say he used to be affectionate and try hard, he used to call me hot, sexy, gorgeous, beautiful but not anymore. He said his last relationship the girl gave him no affection and he says he needs that but it’s hard to do now when I feel like he’s being distant. If I try to talk about it he just says I’m “ overreacting, being dramatic or a drama queen” I never shout or try to argue just calmly put my point across. He gets annoyed if I go silent and say nothings wrong at times because im evaluating and processing saying anything as I know the reaction I will get. 
Any advice/opinions? 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Lillypoo said:

 he then said in a rude manner “ do you even know anything” I felt like that was a horrible thing to say, 

How long have you been dating? Do you feel he's verbally abusive? It doesn't matter what his diagnosis is if he's verbally abusive. Is this the same man?

 

[smackie9]

That's gaslighting...a form of manipulation/abuse. There's no way to stop him from doing that. It's how he is.

[Lillypoo]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Do you feel he's verbally abusive? It doesn't matter what his diagnosis is if he's verbally abusive. Is this the same man?

 

Yes this is the same man. Been together over a year. I’m not sure if it’s abusive because I sometimes don’t know if he’s joking or is it serious. I’m starting to think what is wrong with me. 

[Lillypoo]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That's gaslighting...a form of manipulation/abuse. There's no way to stop him from doing that. It's how he is.

This did go through my head. I just constantly feel I can’t say anything about the relationship because I just get called a drama queen. I sometimes feel he’s too immature for a relationship.

[MissCanuck]

I would have ended this relationship already. 

It's not worth putting yourself through his bullying. 

[poorlittlefish]

I'd leave the relationship if I were you.  I spent 5 years with someone with ASD and the verbal abuse got worse and worse.  It massively damaged my self esteem.  Whether he can help it or not, don't put yourself through it.

[Kwothe28]

Some autists dont have a "filter" about what they say. Because they cant really think how it looks like to the other person. Meaning that they dont exactly know how to be emphatic. To him its not really a big deal because, in his mind, it isnt. Its not a defense on him, just maybe an explanation why it happens.

Neverthless, you dont have to stand there and accept "Marshalpoo" dynamic of speech and him being rude. Just because he is like that, its not an excuse toward his behavior. This is not exactly healthy dynamic and you shouldnt stay there just because he cant change. In fact, that is your sign that you should leave.

[Batya33]

Also from a practical perspective if his work involves social skills -interacting with people he's going to be tone deaf and that could impact whether he gets promoted or even keeps his job -he doesn't seem to care. I agree with the others. Enough is enough.  

[Capricorn3]

I would not put up with his verbal abuse.  He's showing you who he really is, and sorry to say, it's not very nice (imo).  He won't change - this is who he is.  The longer you stay, the more it shows him that you allow him to disrespect you and verbally abuse you.  You have choices. Show him you have some self-respect and leave, OR, show him you will allow him to treat you badly and stay.  Choice is yours.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Lillypoo said:

Yes this is the same man. Been together over a year. I’m not sure if it’s abusive because I sometimes don’t know if he’s joking or is it serious. I’m starting to think what is wrong with me. 

In your other thread your excuse for his verbal abuse was depression. Please understand depression, nor ASD make people abusive. Being a verbally abusive jerk is a choice, not a diagnosis.

Please talk to trusted friends and family. Please research verbal abuse and if necessary see a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and a better understanding of abusive relationships and self esteem. 

[catfeeder]

The guy is a bully, and I don’t understand why you stay with him. I would have given him the heave-ho a long time ago.

Respect yourself by clearing your life of anyone who doesn’t respect you. Your confidence will return, and you will thank yourself.

[Seraphim]

My son is Autistic and not abusive . Is he frank, sure. Abusive? No. 

[TeeDee]

I think the autism is driving some of this but I couldn't live like that.  I would not feel safe, loved or valued in a relationship like the one you describe; therefore I would not continue it.  

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, TeeDee said:

... but I couldn't live like that.  I would not feel safe, loved or valued in a relationship like the one you describe; therefore I would not continue it.  

This is exactly the thing. The 'why' doesn't matter. People get stuck in denial and bargaining by using unanswered 'whys' as their barrier to walking away. Identifying 'why' is not some magic key that would give them an automatic fix to the problem. it's irrelevant.

I like to suggest making this less about the partner and more about your Self. Is this how YOU want to live? If so, then here you are. If not, then the only 'why' that matters is why you're sticking around to put up with this when there isn't an answer in the world to justify being treated this way.

[Andrina]

What you list as positives about him as a boyfriend are very minimally basic. That, plus the top-heavy list of negatives, is a clear sign it's time to exit this unhealthy relationship.

[LootieTootie]

You need to see it for what it is... verbal abuse. 

It doesn't matter if someone is ill or not. If you keep putting up with it, you're allowing them to talk to you this way. When people I love treat me this way, I just tell them "See ya." I don't try to reach out or visit them. Whatever they're going thru, it's on them. You don't have to "be there" so they're not alone, or you're not alone. Its better to be alone than subject yourself to someone's cruelty.

At the end of the day, peace of mind is so much more important than someone's regular verbal abuse and gaslighting.

[Cherylyn]

"You're overly dramatic,  overreacting, etc: are gaslighting comments.  Gaslighting is deflecting,  deliberately trying to confuse you and throwing you off track.  It's the oldest, most typical type of conversation (verbal or written) form of manipulation there is.  Never fall for this sneaky trick. 

Your boyfriend does not sound like a keeper.  ☹️

[Coily]

Two things can be true at once. You could be dramatic, and he's a jerk.

Regardless, the problem seems to be a fundamental incompatibility. Now I know when we come on these forums we focus on the negative heavily. But In this case, it doesn't seem like you have much left in reserve for him and his drama.