Is it wrong to make intimacy a priority in your relationship?

[Alittlehelpplz]

Hey people, I hope all is well. 
I’ve been dating this girl for a little while about 6 months consistently and we became a couple in February. 
the relationship has been going well and things are progressing, meeting each others families going on dates, spending a lot of time together but it’s one issue that has started, the intimacy feels like it slipped. 
Before her in my last relationship the intimacy part of our relationship stalled and I told myself I don’t want to be in a relationship like that again. 
 

It’s like as our relationship developed our intimacy decreased, and before we became a couple she told me it was really important to her and that she enjoyed it. Now if we talk about it, she says it’s not important and she can go months without it. 
the whole dynamic changed, before she would like to text those things and talk about what she liked. Now, if I try to initiate. She tells me we aren’t teenagers and I’m acting immature. 
 

I’ve tried doing sweet and kind gestures to try and create something with her. Rose petals, candles etc

im not sure what I’m suppose to do now. Any advice helps. 
 

im starting to notice I’m getting irritated with her for small stuff now and I know it’s because we are being physical anymore. 
 

if I mention we may not be right for each other and maybe this won’t work out she gets irritated at me. 
 

what should I do. 
 

its like I can’t be with other women but I can’t be with her either. I don’t get this. 
oh and btw, I don’t want to be with other women, I want to be with her. It’s like I’m in limbo

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

It’s like as our relationship developed our intimacy decreased, and before we became a couple she told me it was really important to her and that she enjoyed it. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it seems like you two are hitting a brick wall as far as libidos, sexual compatibility and communication. 

Perhaps at the 6 month mark you're noticing the relationship is running out of steam and run it's course. Please reflect if cutting your losses is an option. Is this the same woman?:

 

[smackie9]

The relationship should be over simple as that. You don't need our advice here. We all had to make the choice to end it when our expectations are no longer being met. It's a no brainer. 

[Alittlehelpplz]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it seems like you two are hitting a brick wall as far as libidos, sexual compatibility and communication. 

Perhaps at the 6 month mark you're noticing the relationship is running out of steam and run it's course. Please reflect if cutting your losses is an option. Is this the same woman?:

 

Yes, this is the same person. Things changed, we started having sex more often but then we needed up here 

[waffle]

By "intimacy" I assume you mean "sex." Those terms are not interchangeable but the vast majority of people use them that way. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

we started having sex more often but then we needed up here 

What do you mean by "needed up here"? I'm unable to figure it out by the context you've given. 

Anyway, I just had another read of your previous thread to which I contributed and feel the same as I did then. 

I'm curious why you pushed being "official" when SHE was the one who refused to call it "dating" and referred to it as "hanging out? 

And when you DID have sex, SHE referred to it as "hooking up".

It appears she was never serious about you OR all that sexually attracted to you, I'm sorry to say that. 

And now that you're in a "relationship," you're feeling the ramifications of that.

Rather than force a sexual attraction that is simply not there for her, not where it should be anyway, my advice is wish her well, walk away and find a woman you're more compatible with who desires sex with you. 

You cannot force a feeling no matter how hard you try, not gonna happen. 

Again, I'm sorry. 

 

[catfeeder]

It’s not ‘wrong’ to have your own priorities in a relationship, but then your goal is to find a partner who aligns with those. Someone who dismisses your attempts to negotiate with her on this by telling you it’s not important to her is basically saying she’s a lousy match for you.

Dating is about screening out bad matches to make room in your life for a good match. So if you want to waste your time spinning your wheels to try to make someone want what she doesn’t want, good luck with that.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

Now if we talk about it, she says it’s not important and she can go months without it. 

She is BSing you. What she means by that is: I can go months without it, if it comes to doing it with you.

Doesnt necessarily means she is getting it somewhere else(although I wouldnt exclude that as a reason). Just that, well, you dont “excite her” to do it. Sorry, but this is over as far as that part goes. And with it, probably the whole relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

im starting to notice I’m getting irritated with her for small stuff now and I know it’s because we are being physical anymore. 

The little things count.  She may not want to be intimate to someone who cannot feel safe with.

Are you referring to intimacy as sex, or being vulnerable and confiding in each other?

[yogacat]

If she can go months without it and it's not important to her, then she is not sexually attracted to you.

You don't go from constantly talking and enjoying the intimacy to "not caring" about it anymore unless there is a loss in attraction or interest in the relationship. Somewhere along the way, something changed for her.

Typically (not saying this is true for everyone...) when the woman loses sexual attraction towards her partner it's because she no longer connects in a way that made her excited to be intimate, it's no longer a ride she feels is worth going on with you.

How are things in the relationship? Honestly, if you sense she is a great person with a good character and treats you with respect and makes you feel happy then I'd consider letting her go but maintaining a friendship. 

If the rest of the relationship is going great and you genuinely feel happy with her, then you both may need to talk a bit more to figure out what happened. There might have been good reasons why she suddenly started to think it was unnecessary.

Something doesn't sound right though. She was one way with it before, and it changed suddenly? It could be a little bit of what I mentioned earlier, you no longer make her feel excited or, it could also be something about her too. Sometimes intimacy vanishes because the woman doesn't feel like she's attractive or good enough for her partner, then again maybe there are other things at play. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

Is it wrong to make intimacy a priority in your relationship?

There's no right or wrong. The relationship is fizzing out and you are sexually incompatible. You can not convince her to have more sex or convince yourself you want less sex. The resentment and contempt is already building. Please set both yourselves free rather than trying to force fit this. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Something doesn't sound right though. She was one way with it before, and it changed suddenly?

@yogacat, sexual intimacy has always been an issue.  She has never been all that into it, he posted about it in his previous thread entitled "Is it wrong to tell her you want to have sex more often"?

Wiseman linked it earlier.

I asked the OP why he went "official" with her under such circumstances, and am waiting for him to respond.

[boltnrun]

It's the proverbial trying to force a square peg into a round hole. (Sorry for the too dead on analogy 😆 )

You two have been incompatible pretty much from jump. I'm confused as to why you keep trying to make this relationship happen. (I hope it's not because of that other proverbial "but I LOVE her!!!")

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

im not sure what I’m suppose to do now. Any advice helps. 
 

im starting to notice I’m getting irritated with her for small stuff now and I know it’s because we are being physical anymore. 

Sounds like you two don't mesh properly nowadays & that was just the 'honeymoon phase'....

Maybe you be done now? 

[Alittlehelpplz]

5 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

The little things count.  She may not want to be intimate to someone who cannot feel safe with.

Are you referring to intimacy as sex, or being vulnerable and confiding in each other?

I mean sex. The vulnerability part has grown a lot actually. She tells me more and lets me in 

[Alittlehelpplz]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What do you mean by "needed up here"? I'm unable to figure it out by the context you've given. 

Anyway, I just had another read of your previous thread to which I contributed and feel the same as I did then. 

I'm curious why you pushed being "official" when SHE was the one who refused to call it "dating" and referred to it as "hanging out? 

And when you DID have sex, SHE referred to it as "hooking up".

It appears she was never serious about you OR all that sexually attracted to you, I'm sorry to say that. 

And now that you're in a "relationship," you're feeling the ramifications of that.

Rather than force a sexual attraction that is simply not there for her, not where it should be anyway, my advice is wish her well, walk away and find a woman you're more compatible with who desires sex with you. 

You cannot force a feeling no matter how hard you try, not gonna happen. 

Again, I'm sorry. 

 

Ended up here I meant. 
 

I thought her feelings changed when she decided she wanted to be exclusive and I stopped mentioning us being in a relationship. We were just having fun and then she told me she was ready for us to be in a relationship. So we did. 
 

Maybe I should have pulled away from her completely earlier but things were and still are going great. 
she is sweet, kind, respectful, warm, communicative and supportive. I feel like I should be happy and sex isn’t that important. 
but it feels like it is. The more she talks about our future and wedding ideas and kid scenarios. I just think… am I ok not having sex for months at a time 

[Batya33]

Just now, Alittlehelpplz said:

she is sweet, kind, respectful, warm, communicative and supportive. I feel like I should be happy and sex isn’t that important. 

Sex is important - more important to some than others etc but the real thing is the couple has to be sexually compatible.  You two are not.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

. The more she talks about our future and wedding ideas and kid scenarios. I just think… am I ok not having sex for months at a time 

You're been dating 6 months? Whoa. Slow way down on the marriage talk. Especially with major unresolved incompatibilities. 

[yogacat]

You already know that 6 months in, this is the normal you can expect with her going forward, honeymoon phase or not. 

Ask yourself (honestly) if you can live with it or not. 

Six months in, that's too soon for sex 1x a month or week isn't all that hot, this is simply the way she is. 

To me, if she decides in the future to fix this, it will simply because she wants YOU to marry her or in some case to get you to propose. 

If she feels like sex once a month with someone/anyone is good enough for her, then so be it. 

Can you live like that? 

It's not like she's going to get even MORE wonderful, kind and sweet, so if sex or lack of it is a deal breaker for you, then it won't change so... 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

 we became a couple in February. . I've tried doing sweet and kind gestures to try and create something with her. Rose petals, candles. If I  mention we may not be right for each other and maybe this won’t work out she gets irritated at me. 

Wait. You've only been a couple since Feb? Veiled threats like "maybe this won't work out" are going to backfire. 

Please discontinue what doesn't work such as the cheesey romcom pedals and candles stuff. 

So you're "official" less than a few weeks, you are giving her ultimatums and you have baggage due to your last relationship? 

Please reconsider things. Especially if she is just looking for a step father figure and man around the house.

[MissCanuck]

You are definitely not right for each other. 

When sex has already dried up after just a few months, it's not going to get better. It's up to you how much more time you want to waste here. 

[Andrina]

There are major elements in a relationship that both people have to be on the same page about for the most fulfilling life possible. Sexual compatibility is one. As you can see, as is, you will live a life of frustration and she will live a life of feeling pressured. It doesn't matter that all the other areas of your relationship are wonderful. This is a dealbreaker. Sad, but true. Keep dating until you find a woman who meets your needs in every way. Otherwise, you're settling.

[mylolita]

Sexuality ebbs and flows - but I would imagine in 6 months you should still be ripping the clothes off each other from the excitement and newness! 
 

There is something else troubling her and also, as others have said, you simply may not be sexually compatible.

 

I would sit down and have a non threatening or non blaming chat. Talk to her about it and your whole relationship, tell her it’s okay to be really honest. 
 

All the best,

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

There are major elements in a relationship that both people have to be on the same page about for the most fulfilling life possible. Sexual compatibility is one.

I agree however in OP's case, I don't think it's sexual incompatibility so much as her lack of sexual attraction.

Reason I believe that is she has never desired sex with him, he's been complaining about it since day one!

She's with him for other reasons - comfort, safety, to alleviate loneliness, to have a man to lean on emotionally.  But she's not sexually attracted.

Let her meet another dude who she IS sexually attracted to and she may be a crazy-lady in bed! 

I've heard of several situations where this has happened....and I think the sooner the OP realizes this the better. 

Just my read on it anyway...you can't force a feeling.

[catfeeder]

The problem isn’t just the sex, it’s her attitude toward you and your concerns, as though her position is the only one that matters—take it or leave it. There’s nothing ‘sweet’ about that.