Over thinking or core differences that will lead to issues later on?

[capa34567]

Hello All,

I am currently been in relationship for 6 months with my GF (me 31m and her 28F). Everything has been going really well and I have very strong feelings for her and always enjoy spending time with her. We haven't had an issues or arguments or anything like that. We have started having conversations about future and what we want. 

However, for some things, we have very different philosophies.  For example:

1) We both want to have children, but she believes that they should be spoiled (how she grew up, admittedly on her part). I feel that they need to learn how to do/learn basic things and not just given everything. 

2) We are different with finances. She spends very liberally. I am not a penny pincher, but I do believe in saving (for retirement or other large things). Everything coming in basically goes out with her income. She has even said she is bad at saving. However, we both have very high incomes, so not sure if this would be an issue with combined income. 

3) Religion, I am not she is Catholic. While not super religious, she wants children to go through all of the traditions. Personally, I don't believe in this, but something I am fine with it if she strongly wants it.

Those are just examples. We have both said out loud how we are very different people and wonder if that will impact things later on. However, that being said, everything in relationship has seemed easy and progressing nicely. 

 

Basically, am I overthinking the differences? I hear and read on here how people have fundamental differences on things and how that can impact life later on. Do others have these differences in their relationships and still are very successful? It's not a question if I care about her deeply. But these are things that make me wonder about future. 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

If and when you get engaged with a wedding date I'd recommend couples counseling.  What exactly does she mean by spoiling? What things would she do or not do that she considers spoiling? Why as an adult is the total of her parenting approach based on "how I was raised?"  I highly recommend if she's interested to read The Blessing of a Skinned Knee -although it has some religious components it is mostly an awesome book on exactly what is wrong with actual spoiling.  

Financial values are important -compatibility. Would she be a high income earner if she had a child? Would you? What if she got laid off -does she have at least 6 months-year in savings? For now I wouldn't mingle any money or buy property with her.  

The religious differences sound ok if you are willing to defer to her values.

[tattoobunnie]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What exactly does she mean by spoiling?

Yes, I would clarify this!  

My mom stopped making me lunch for school by the time I was 8, and we didn't have a cafeteria, so I couldn't buy it, nor did she ever buy me food I could prepare or pack, or a lunch box or Thermos to put it in, so I would bully boys for lunch; they felt bad, so they always gave it to me with no issue.  Don't get me wrong; she loves me, but she was raised in a household that from the age of 8 on, had to take care of her 3 younger brothers because mom had tuberculosis, and dad was gone 9 months of the year, all the while being physically hit by her mom each day.  She just didn't know better back then.

So, now I make my kids lunch and snack every day, and leave money in their lunch account so they can splurge once a week of their choosing, cafeteria food.  To me, this is spoiling.

There are many ways to teach children how to value money, life skills, and give back to the community without being stingy.

I am religious. My hubs is an atheist. Never an issue, nor has it been taking the kids to church a handful of times.  If you are completely against letting your children practice Catholicism, which btw, has been pretty cool teaching my boys about respecting and learning about different perspectives from different faiths and parallels to Science and overreach.  You can add that dynamic, which my hubs and I do, religious or not.

I control all the finances, including my hubs.  He couldn't pay a bill on time to save his life; it's the executive dysfunction from ADHD.  So, I manage all fiscal matters, and we have no issues with this.

I would get to know them more; 6 months is still up in the air if you are the right fit for eachother.  Other factors (not on paper) which make a huge difference is how you are together when one is sick, gets a promotion, loses a job, family member, how you are when you travel together, doing a project together.  There's so much more than what's on paper that helps gauge if the a relationship last.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, capa34567 said:

. We have started having conversations about future and what we want. 

Sorry this is happening. It's only 6 months. The getting to know you period. Please slow down on the future talk for now. You've identified some incompatibilities, red flags and deal breakers. Try to just observe for now. It's impossible to blend lives this soon into a perfect fit. 

[capa34567]

@Batya33 @tattoobunnie good questions and I should clarify. Basically she would get them anything they wanted. For example, I was curious about this myself and asked her what if they wanted a car one day. My feelings I would pay 85-95% (making up number) and have them learn to work to save to get rest. She said would just give them the extra money and that they shouldn't have to have a job at all. Just an example

She grew up in a household with maid, didn't have to work and everything was cleaned and taken care of for her. She actually grew up in Colombia (we both live in States) so not uncommon for households that are at least middle class to have help. 

As for traveling, she does like to stay in expensive places. When we first started dating she commented how she went out to dinner by herself and paid $200 for a meal. I can easily afford that, but just seems extravagant for solo dining. But it's also what she really enjoys doing. I pay money for others things so...

 

You raise good points though there are ways to to still teach about money and life skills....

 

And yes @Wiseman2, I realize its still early and why I think I could just be overthinking everything and continue to get to know the person I have really enjoyed time spending with. 

[Batya33]

Some think it’s spoiling to pick up a crying baby. To let a child co sleep when he is 9 and sick and too congested to sleep and wants his mama.
 

Others think it’s fine to bring their middle schooler their homework they forgot at home again for the third time in a week or to put a friend on hold because her 24 year old daughter isn’t sure if 3 day old Mac and cheese is fresh enough for lunch. I’ve been judged and stared at for : letting my 8 year old fall out of his favorite tree a short distance on his cute behind while I sat a couple of feet away on a park bench. I wanted to see if he’d brush it off and try again - some random mom went to “rescue “ him.

I got stared at for letting my 6 year old son walk across Starbucks while I sat and watched to ask for or get us more napkins. I wanted him to learn that sort of life skill. A much older man saw him , whipped around to look for “the mom” and saw me standing and watching him on his little adventure. 

I have friends who spend days trying ro make their kids bday wishes come true. Who are short order cooks because the angel is in a picky phase. Honestly I don’t know anyone who plans to “spoil” or who says they do other than occasionally - so I’d want to know what she means. 
I’m a saver as is my husband for the most part. I wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t believe in and act consistently with building and then maintaining a nest egg. That’s just me. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, capa34567 said:

@Batya33 @tattoobunnie good questions and I should clarify. Basically she would get them anything they wanted. For example, I was curious about this myself and asked her what if they wanted a car one day. My feelings I would pay 85-95% (making up number) and have them learn to work to save to get rest. She said would just give them the extra money and that they shouldn't have to have a job at all. Just an example

She grew up in a household with maid, didn't have to work and everything was cleaned and taken care of for her. She actually grew up in Colombia (we both live in States) so not uncommon for households that are at least middle class to have help. 

As for traveling, she does like to stay in expensive places. When we first started dating she commented how she went out to dinner by herself and paid $200 for a meal. I can easily afford that, but just seems extravagant for solo dining. But it's also what she really enjoys doing. I pay money for others things so...

 

You raise good points though there are ways to to still teach about money and life skills....

 

And yes @Wiseman2, I realize its still early and why I think I could just be overthinking everything and continue to get to know the person I have really enjoyed time spending with. 

I’d tell her to read the book Stacked. Does she want to learn savings skills ? If not that’s the end of it. You can’t teach her - you’re not her parent. 
Your hypotheticals are interesting. Some parents are like her. You are not. My sense is there is room for compromise. 

[smackie9]

These would be deal breakers to me. I wouldn't plan a future with someone who is so far off with finances and how children should be raised. Those two things are crucial. Money is one of the biggest. You will be fighting like cats and dogs. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, capa34567 said:

She grew up in a household with maid, didn't have to work and everything was cleaned and taken care of for her. She actually grew up in Colombia.  I realize its still early and why I think I could just be overthinking everything and continue to get to know the person I have really enjoyed time spending with. 

Definitely too soon considering the cultural differences. Please don't expect her to change her views on religion, finances or childrearing.

These are her particular values, neither right nor wrong and dating is a what you see is what you get situation.

Unless you two can be flexible and compromise, you two could end up just bickering about money and children all day. Which unfortunately has already begun. 

[Coily]

Definitely a good time to start dancing around the edges of these topics to see what red flags there are.

The child rearing side could be negotiated around as long as it's for the best interest of the child growing up to be a productive member of society. Personally her idea of just giving a child everything they want is a huge red flag.

Finances on the other hand.... that is a huge red flag, we're talking Chinese Military Parade levels of red flags. Now this is mostly to knowing a guy who's first and second wife would burn through money and stuck him with massive debts in his divorce when he said no to their reckless spending habits. Unless you plan on keeping all of your finances separate, really look into this side of her.

All of that said, you need to see where you both can compromise, if there is no room then take your time and think things through. Best of luck

[capa34567]

@Coily yes fully aware. She did get divorced once before. And I know money was an issue with them too. She said when you are married, it's both of our income.   But I know she wasn't working yet when that marriage was happening so could have been partly an issue that she was spending and without work. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, capa34567 said:

@Coily yes fully aware. She did get divorced once before. And I know money was an issue with them too. She said when you are married, it's both of our income.   But I know she wasn't working yet when that marriage was happening so could have been partly an issue that she was spending and without work. 

I'd get clear on that -she won't go for joint and separate accounts? What about your pre-marital savings -that's hers too by default? And she has none?

[reinventmyself]

I think there are compromises in all these issues. . hopefully.

Trying to be positive here, but I am divorced and my ex and I were about as different as two can be in areas of child raising and money (among other things)   He wanted to buy the kids everything and to me these moments, getting a car, etc are all teaching moments.  Learning delayed gratification is basically what makes the world go around.  Spoiling children can handicap them.

I once read that going into a marriage is similar to running a business.   Is this someone you would want as a business partner?  You need to have some similar values and goals for your business to be successful.

Money values run deep and rarely change.  You definitely need to have some challenging conversations about these things to see if there is any compromise for you too.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, capa34567 said:

1) We both want to have children, but she believes that they should be spoiled (how she grew up, admittedly on her part). I feel that they need to learn how to do/learn basic things and not just given everything. 

This subject is full of opportunity for the two of you to discuss and negotiate scenarios for child rearing over time, PRIOR to committing to a future together. So I wouldn't make any decisions based on such a generality.

Quote

2) We are different with finances. She spends very liberally.

One great financial integration strategy for couples is a 3 account household--His, Hers, and Ours. The Ours account is designed on a budget for intake from each partner based on percentage of income. This account covers all expenses, savings, investments and a dual-decision slush fund. Once each partner satisfies their contribution to this account per paycheck, then all remaining income goes into individual accounts that can be saved or spent as desired--without consultation with the partner. So if she wants to spend hers and you want to save yours, no harm, no foul. The 'Ours' account is the only requirement, and as a couple, you'd both revisit this budget regularly and make these payments together.

Quote

3) Religion, I am not she is Catholic. ...something I am fine with it if she strongly wants it.

Plenty of people are merely 'socially' religious, which offers the family a community, and the degree of participation for each of you can be negotiated. Unless you are invested in an opposing religion, you get to decide how much this 'must' matter to you.

[Capricorn3]

At only 6 months in, I think it's a little too early to go into such depths.  BUT, it is a good thing you are already aware of these potential red flags and keep them in mind moving forward.  In the meantime, continue getting to know her and see how well you work together, or not. It may be that you find you're incompatible.  Who knows, still early days, but don't lose sight of those red flags.

[smackie9]

She admits that the root cause was money issues for the demise of her last marriage....BIG RED FLAG. History will repeat itself. She has told you how she is...and I can't see her compromising for very long when old habits step in.

My niece went into a relationship knowing her partner was a dead beat dad. She had a kid with him, then when the relationship ended, guess what....he's refusing to pay child support. So prime example, you should heed them red flags.

IMO you are kidding yourself this can work out.

 

[itsallgrand]

The financial attitude is the biggest red flag to me. That would be a deal breaker for me. I think bare minimum when looking for a partner is that they have their house in order on the way towards those things they say are important to them. She wants marriage and children, yet chooses not to prepare for that financially in any way even though she has a high income currently. So who will be paying? And she has a marriage behind her where she went in totally fine with expecting her partner to support her. Not good, especially when combined with the attitude of blowing what money is there on extravagance. 

 

[boltnrun]

I mentioned once on this forum that my ex's niece stated clearly she believes it's the man's job to work and pay for everything and I was told I was being ridiculous to think she would continue that belief.  She's young, I was told.  I thought the same thing when I was young and I don't anymore, I was told.  Well, she's now in her mid 30s and still thinks the woman shouldn't have to work and the man should pay for everything.  My brother's ex wife holds that same belief, that it's up to the man to pay for everything and to provide a luxurious lifestyle even if the wife works. 

It's early on in your relationship.  But I would ask yourself if you'd be fine with paying for all household and family expenses yourself while she spends her earnings on things she wants for herself.

[alertingadf]

@itsallgrand @smackie9 she will become a very higher earner(doctor) in about a year or two. She has another job right now but does blow through all the money. But her income will likely triple when she does become a doctor. Why I really wonder if this should be a concern. 

@boltnrun she actually does pay for things. I do pay overall for more. But I also make significantly more than her for right now. But she picks up occasional non-expensive dinners.

Yes, previous marriage she said there were money issues. But she told me she left for that and he hid that smoked weed all day and apparently he would say things to her (like youre a complete b****). Things I would just never do!

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, alertingadf said:

@itsallgrand @smackie9 she will become a very higher earner(doctor) in about a year or two. She has another job right now but does blow through all the money. But her income will likely triple when she does become a doctor. Why I really wonder if this should be a concern. 

@boltnrun she actually does pay for things. I do pay overall for more. But I also make significantly more than her for right now. But she picks up occasional non-expensive dinners.

Yes, previous marriage she said there were money issues. But she told me she left for that and he hid that smoked weed all day and apparently he would say things to her (like youre a complete b****). Things I would just never do!

I don't think tripling income changes financial values when it comes to saving and spending habits.  JMHO.  I tripled mine.  I did spend more - like I moved out of my parents house so I went from zero rent to high rent so I could live where the social life was and walk to work - my savings habits increased.  My interest in saving increased.  Did I spend more on luxuries -yes - especially because I was working intense hours, far more than full time, unpredictable hours.  But my financial values stayed the same.

I am 57.  By the time I was in my early 40s, a newlywed and new mom - my financial advisor told me I didn't have to work given what I had saved and invested (yes I went back to work after being a SAHM, yes I contributed to the family income from my savings while I was a SAHM -because I wanted to not because it was needed).  But all that because of choices I made, including after I tripled my income once I started my post-grad school second career in my late 20s.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Batya. I don't think financial values change with higher income. People can change but that's when they really want to and put in the concerted effort. In this case, you have no reason to think she even has a desire to. What you see is what you get. You are at a point where it makes sense to start thinking if this is something that's compatible with your values. 

You know the old saying about follow the money and you'll see what is truly important to someone? This goes for anyone regardless of income level. 

It's your choice and maybe for you it's ok that she prioritizes as she does. Just be careful to not pull the wool over your own eyes because you like her. 

 

[reinventmyself]

Dr Phil once said that for someone who has issues with over spending and debt, a million dollars wouldn't change anything.  You need to learn the spend what you have.

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, alertingadf said:

@itsallgrand @smackie9 she will become a very higher earner(doctor) in about a year or two. She has another job right now but does blow through all the money. But her income will likely triple when she does become a doctor. Why I really wonder if this should be a concern. 

@boltnrun she actually does pay for things. I do pay overall for more. But I also make significantly more than her for right now. But she picks up occasional non-expensive dinners.

Yes, previous marriage she said there were money issues. But she told me she left for that and he hid that smoked weed all day and apparently he would say things to her (like youre a complete b****). Things I would just never do!

It's not about the "amount" It's about your core values this attitude of hers about spending, goes against.

[Andrina]

When you expect someone to change in a major way in the future, it's risky business. Past and present recent behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Same with people who are chronically late. Just like my co-worker, who is always running late. When the shift changed to start a half an hour later, another co-worker said, "Oh, now maybe she'll be on time." I said, "No, she'll still be late, because chronically late people don't change." Sure enough, she continues running late.

[Cherylyn]

You're not over thinking,  these are definitely core differences and will become majorly problematic later on.  Your differences now with her are only the beginning and will grow worse as time marches on. 

These differences will grow into heated arguments at some point in the future as life gets more serious. 

Having different philosophies and not being on the same page has no cure.  These differences will always build a wedge between you two.  This happens to everyone whether couples in relationships,  marriages and even expands to friends,  relatives and in-laws no matter what important differences there are.  It's universal.

I agree with you,  children shouldn't be spoiled rotten because spoiled children become spoiled adults which is disastrous.

Finances are a big deal.  You are conservative with money whereas she spends liberally which can be very wasteful.  It will be an issue in the same household.

Catholicism is important to her.  It's hard to raise a family where one is not that religious and the rest of the family is.  Unity is better.  There are cases where only one child tags along with a neighbor family to attend their Christian church and comes home to a non-practicing,  non-religious family.  It's awkward and there's no support at the home front.  It's sad.  ☹️

Don't just go along with it to make her happy because you're not staying true to yourself.  Both of you won't be in unison and lockstep raising your children in the faith.  It leaves children confused and without footing from both parents.

Yes, both of you are very different people with opposite values and it will indeed impact things later on.  Love doesn't solve everything and eventually your love for her will slip away if it's overshadowed with resentments. 

Fundamental differences do matter.  My husband and I share same values with each other and how we raise our sons.  We do not run in opposite directions.  There's more respect and support from one another because we believe in the same values.  Life is more comfortable this way.  We don't have to argue.  Life feels smoother.  ☺️