Boyfriend doesn’t have a drivers license and I’m sick of being the chauffeur!

[abbyyy]

Me and my boyfriend (both early 20s) have lived together for 4 years and he still doesn’t have his drivers license. I think its important to note that he has always gotten anxious when driving which is why he never got it. While I understand anxiety can be very debilitating, I am exhausted with the amount of driving that I have to do. Groceries, pet supplies, takeout, etc I drive everywhere for us and have for the past four years. 

This past summer we moved to a less expensive apartment around 20 minutes away from his campus. The deal was that I would take him in/pick him up for his summer classes and that he would work on getting his license for the fall semester. This meant I was driving him 40 minutes round trip, twice a day for two months. To my frustration fall semester rolled around and he still didn’t have his license! I told him that he would have to figure out how to utilize the public buses to get to campus as I could no longer do the long commute. I hold a pretty stressful work position that was picking back up soon and I attend grad classes at my campus that is over an hour away. Just as I thought things were figured out, one thing led to another and I ended up having to take him in due to him missing the bus or him having to go in early. Additionally, he begged me to pick him up after classes again as he said the busses at night we’re very unsafe. I don’t doubt that they aren’t the safest at night but it just always felt like there was another excuse. I ended up becoming the chauffeur once again and this went on for the rest of the fall semester. Finally I told him that under no circumstance would I be taking him in for spring and that he needed to figure things out. Flash forward to spring semester that just started and we made it two days into the semester before an incident happened. Someone on the bus got quite aggressive towards him because they were trying to get my boyfriend to give him money. Obviously he was pretty shaken up over the incident but has now asked me to pick him up again after classes so that he doesn’t have to ride the bus. He argues that Uber is too expensive and I can’t even talk about how drained frustrated I am with having to drive him so much. If I do he gets upset and insinuates that I think me being tired is more important then his safety which is not what I think at all. He has said that he will be getting his license over spring break, but I don’t know if I believe him. Maybe I’m being an *** but at this point I can’t keep helping him/solving the problem he needs to figure it out on his own? Or maybe I am wrong and it’s not that big of a deal and that’s just what you do for your partner. 

For additional context I commute to grad school a few times a week, leaving around 9am and getting out of classes at 10pm. I don’t make it home until 11pm so to add 40 minutes to my commute to go pick him up is beyond frustrating when I’m already so exhausted.

I know this post was long but I guess my question is: how can I best support him while also making sure that I’m not burning myself out. Also am I being insensitive and just thinking about myself? Any advice is appreciated. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, abbyyy said:

  I can’t keep helping him/solving the problem he needs to figure it out on his own? 

Sorry this is happening. Please stop enabling him and chauffeuring him around. He's using you.  He's manipulative and unappreciative.

He's a grown man and he can take Uber, carpool, public transportation, get a bicycle, etc. It's not your problem to fix, it's his. Please stop mothering him. 

[Cherylyn]

You need a new boyfriend who drives his own car or however way he figures out how to reach his destinations.  🙄 🚗

Why should your boyfriend drive his own car?  That's what you're for.  He's spoiled.  This is why he lacks motivation to be responsible for his own transportation needs. 

[Kwothe28]

You are not obligated to be his driver. He can indeed take a bus or an Uber if he likes it. He and you both need to understand that you are doing him a favor. And that he is not a kid to be driven and has to take other means of transportation if available. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, abbyyy said:

 I ended up having to take him in due to him missing the bus or him having to go in early.

Please tell him to get his tushy on a bicycle so he doesn't miss the bus like a kindergartner. 

[Coily]

How would he handle going to work in future? How would he handle getting around if you were in an accident, sick, or couldn’t drive? 
These are the questions you have to pose to him. I doubt he has thought beyond just getting what he wants in the here and now. Posing this issue as you being tired and worn out probably won’t change things, as he has proven he won’t see it that way.

I doubt things will change sadly, he’s not used to being pushed beyond his comfort zone.

[MrMan1983]

Completely understandable getting frustrated with that, sounds like he has some growing up to do. Anxiety is normal when learning to drive along with various parts of life but doesn't mean he should just bin anything off that gives him some mild discomfort. No wonder younger women often go for older guys nowadays, too much comfort bubbles going on.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, abbyyy said:

 he gets upset and insinuates that I think me being tired is more important then his safety 

Cheap lazy selfish parasites do not have empathy. He doesn't care how exhausted you are.

Please re consider the relationship. Not because he refuses to drive but because he's immature pampered spoiled and threats you like dirt. 

[Batya33]

I got my license at 49.  I am 57.  I drove occasionally for 3 years and only twice all alone in the car.  Where we live is extremely congested -major city -several of my friends in the burbs won't drive here.  Our son is almost 15 and I was terrified back then about driving him around.  I stopped driving at the pandemic time and we actually didn't use the car much (virtual school/telework- husband drives, we own one car).  My husband agrees that driving around here is crazy. I felt comfortable practicing /driving in the burbs.

I almost never rely on my husband to drive -and he is my husband and we have a son! (We had our son when we were first married at 42- before that we lived in another major city where it's common not to drive).  I am very very independent. Today I have a doctor appointment -I am taking the bus.  It's a few miles away. I always do. I take a bus to the local pedestrian mall for my Target run.  I walk to a lot of errands close to a mile each way.  I use a wheelie bag or cart.

I've never missed a bus or subway or been late for any appointment or for work (he doesn't drive me to work -he did for my interview and once in an emergency - 2.5 miles away).  He does do some of the essential driving for our son now because we agreed he'd go to a private school in the burbs and my husband would be the afternoon driver in the carpool. But I walk to the bus stop -1.2 miles. I walk back with groceries and I never ask husband to drive- sometimes he offers. I walk everywhere for my errands. 

Your boyfriend does not have to drive AND he should not depend on you to this extent.  If you want to go somewhere then yes you're the driver.  Do not do his shopping anymore.  I mean  -stuff he mostly eats.  And have him pay you for all the gas or pay for delivery so you're not doing all the family shopping.  Have him take an uber to the store and an uber back or the bus or walk.  He has to pull his weight.  I mean come on -I'm a 57 year old mom and I manage just fine -and proudly to - how does he feel entitled to all this??

Support him by cutting out the enabling. He'll thank you if he is a man of integrity and character who wants to change/mature.  He'll resent you if he's not.  (Believe me as a teenager's mom there are a number of times I refused to give in to him - made him stay on an overnight trip where he was perfectly fine/safe but wanted to come home/made him participate in a track meet he was anxious about, made him go to a social event I knew he'd end up liking a lot - he thanked me later -but DON'T be his mom - I mean just stop enabling him and stop doing for him and say "oh I am not driving you tomorrow - I need the extra time here" -no details -don't say can't - own it - you can AND you choose not to). 

[boltnrun]

He's acting like you're his mom and he's a rebellious teenager.

He's a grown ass adult. He can figure out how to get to school on his own. He can get a ride from another student or find a neighbor who's willing to drive him for a smaller fee than a ride share service. Many people in my neighborhood advertise their services to drive people around for less than an Uber or Lyft. He can look on Nextdoor. 

As long as you cave and give in to him he'll keep taking advantage. 

Oh, and if he threatens to end the relationship over this? So be it. That would mean he isn't actually committed to the relationship.

[catfeeder]

He's a grown adult. He can figure out how to get himself where he needs to go, but as long as you keep enabling him to avoid learning, he'll keep pretending to be helpless.

Frankly, I wouldn't sentence myself to spending my future with a dependent man-child. Life is tough enough without trying to raise another adult--have you noticed?

[tattoobunnie]

I got around by bus and train since I was 14. In college, I would walk two miles one way to get to work in the top 3rd most high murder rate state.  He's a grown man, and can figure it out.  And, you don't just get your license.  If he has never practiced driving, he's never going to get it.  Taking driving lessons from a professional who comes to your house will help with his anxiety.  I would never date or marry someone who couldn't and won't ever drive. It's one thing if you live in a city with tons of public transportation.  It's another if you live in the 'burbs.  I have no idea how you take him seriously; he acts like a child.

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I got around by bus and train since I was 14. In college, I would walk two miles one way to get to work in the top 3rd most high murder rate state.  He's a grown man, and can figure it out.  And, you don't just get your license.  If he has never practiced driving, he's never going to get it.  Taking driving lessons from a professional who comes to your house will help with his anxiety.  I would never date or marry someone who couldn't and won't ever drive. It's one thing if you live in a city with tons of public transportation.  It's another if you live in the 'burbs.  I have no idea how you take him seriously; he acts like a child.

I grew up exactly the same except I was 12 lol.  OP -ask yourself honestly what do you get out of this? Do you like being in control in some ways/having this power - feeling so "needed?"

[smackie9]

OK so let this be a lesson....no driver's license=deal breaker don't date them. Your solution is to find a new BF. Another lesson here is, know when to say no, know when this won't work, know that you are being taken for granted, learn to set boundaries within your relationship. 

[Andrina]

Instead of pulling out all the stops and looking for a driving instructor who might specialize in people who suffer from driving anxiety, or getting cognitive behavior therapy to get skills to handle that fear, he'd rather take the easy way out for himself, even though it causes his SO extreme stress. A man who loves you strives to ease your stress--not be the regular source of it.

You ask how you can support him in all this? Sounds like you've gone from the late teens and into beginning adulthood with him, so he's probably your first serious love interest and you don't know any better, but believe me, he's not good material as a prized partner.

[Cherylyn]

You've coddled him and as long as you are at his every convenience,  you are his designated chauffeur.  He's a boy wrapped in a man's body.  He never grew up.  ☹️

[LootieTootie]

Get him a bike, a helmet, some elbow and knee pads.. since he's such a baby.

[Jaunty]

14 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Get him a bike, a helmet, some elbow and knee pads.. since he's such a baby.

Probably needs some training wheels too.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Get him a bike, a helmet, some elbow and knee pads.. since he's such a baby.

Or let him buy his own...

[MissCanuck]

Are you sure this incident with the aggressive man on the bus actually happened? 

I would not put it past a guy like your boyfriend to have made that up in order to get out of taking the bus and have you drive him again. He seems to know to how to emotionally manipulate you, so I am skeptical. Sorry.