abbyyy

I need some advice on how I can talk to my partner about the concept of the “mental load”. We have lived together for a few years now, don’t have any kids or plans to get married soon, are still in college, and split finances evenly. Despite all of this, I still find myself taking on the majority for what would be considered the “mental load”. For example, I do the grocery planning, grocery shopping, tracking supplies/ingredients, meal prep/plating, meal cleanup, dishes, sweeping, cleaning the fridge, remembering to pay all of the bills, splitting expenses and keeping track of them, driving, gas, washing towels/bed sheets, shopping for the pets and keeping track of what they are out of, etc. While he does some chores around the house I still do the majority of them and still have to be responsible for the mental work that goes into those tasks. When I last tried to bring this up he said that all I have to do is just ask … or if I ask him to pick out dinner he will say “well what do we have”. Lastly, I got frustrated today because I asked him to put away the groceries that I had just shopped for on my own and he kept asking me where everything should go because to him “I already knew” and it would be easier for me to tell him rather then for him to figure it out. I know some will argue that I should just stop doing those things but I would like to try communicating with him about this before I jump to doing that. Most articles I can find are geared towards mothers or married couples so I was hoping for some advice or resources that apply more for couples who live together. Thanks

Me and my boyfriend (both early 20s) have lived together for 4 years and he still doesn’t have his drivers license. I think its important to note that he has always gotten anxious when driving which is why he never got it. While I understand anxiety can be very debilitating, I am exhausted with the amount of driving that I have to do. Groceries, pet supplies, takeout, etc I drive everywhere for us and have for the past four years. This past summer we moved to a less expensive apartment around 20 minutes away from his campus. The deal was that I would take him in/pick him up for his summer classes and that he would work on getting his license for the fall semester. This meant I was driving him 40 minutes round trip, twice a day for two months. To my frustration fall semester rolled around and he still didn’t have his license! I told him that he would have to figure out how to utilize the public buses to get to campus as I could no longer do the long commute. I hold a pretty stressful work position that was picking back up soon and I attend grad classes at my campus that is over an hour away. Just as I thought things were figured out, one thing led to another and I ended up having to take him in due to him missing the bus or him having to go in early. Additionally, he begged me to pick him up after classes again as he said the busses at night we’re very unsafe. I don’t doubt that they aren’t the safest at night but it just always felt like there was another excuse. I ended up becoming the chauffeur once again and this went on for the rest of the fall semester. Finally I told him that under no circumstance would I be taking him in for spring and that he needed to figure things out. Flash forward to spring semester that just started and we made it two days into the semester before an incident happened. Someone on the bus got quite aggressive towards him because they were trying to get my boyfriend to give him money. Obviously he was pretty shaken up over the incident but has now asked me to pick him up again after classes so that he doesn’t have to ride the bus. He argues that Uber is too expensive and I can’t even talk about how drained frustrated I am with having to drive him so much. If I do he gets upset and insinuates that I think me being tired is more important then his safety which is not what I think at all. He has said that he will be getting his license over spring break, but I don’t know if I believe him. Maybe I’m being an *** but at this point I can’t keep helping him/solving the problem he needs to figure it out on his own? Or maybe I am wrong and it’s not that big of a deal and that’s just what you do for your partner. For additional context I commute to grad school a few times a week, leaving around 9am and getting out of classes at 10pm. I don’t make it home until 11pm so to add 40 minutes to my commute to go pick him up is beyond frustrating when I’m already so exhausted. I know this post was long but I guess my question is: how can I best support him while also making sure that I’m not burning myself out. Also am I being insensitive and just thinking about myself? Any advice is appreciated.