Come along for Losts online dating adventure!

[lostandhurt]

11 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Hope things have picked up for you Lost since your last update.  At this point, have you opened up to meeting people IRL again, or still mainly concentrating on OLD?  Part of me has been thinking of trying OLD again as IRL has been a struggle for me as well.  Have you dated anyone with children before or do you have children?  If you have, what is it like?  I've never been married and have no children.  At my age now, I'm understanding that it's going to be very slim pickings as far as meeting women in the same boat as me. 

Day 69

 I went ahead and made a profile on Plenty of Fish the other night.  Lot of the same faces but some new ones as well so not a total loss.  There is one woman there that I saw on Match but didn't get to send her a message before her profile disappeared, then reappeared.  Match is not helpful by doing this crap.  In fact this particular woman was in my "hightlights" they email me and I saw her in the email batch of pictures but by the time I had a chance to send her a message later that day her profile was gone so I went to the email and her picture was gone there as well.  The emails must be actively linked to the site somehow.

 Anyways she is on POF and I am about to send her a message.  Interestingly her age on Match was 61 but her age on POF is 56.

 Beatlesfan,

  I have received several messages on Match in the last 10 days or so but no one I am interested in.  I sent out 3 in that time with 2 of them checking out my profile but that is it.  Maybe 15 "likes" on POF since I signed up but you have to pay to see them which I won't because anyone I am interested in I will just message.   I am always open to meeting women IRL and try to be on my game when out and about.  I do think I need to be more proactive like you are by seeking out groups and events as I have been far to passive as of late.  Seems like back in the day there were always Ladies Night somewhere in town and you could go with a good chance of meeting someone that was single and looking too.  Not so much anymore... 

I am a lot older than you but I do run across a fair amount of profiles of never married/no children women.  Nearly all the women I have dated have children which was absolutely no big deal and often times a huge plus. Most were super protective and would keep their dating life and home life separate until at least 4 to 6 months.  Since they have children a lot of times it was week on week off custody or something similar so when they were busy with their children I had my time to do my own thing which was nice. Just focus on meeting someone and don't worry about if they have children, unless of course they have like 8 kids 🤪.  Women for the most part are not looking for a father for their children, they are looking for a partner to share their life with.

  I will let you know if I get a response from the message I am about to send.

 Lost

[BeaTlesFan77]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Just focus on meeting someone and don't worry about if they have children, unless of course they have like 8 kids 🤪.  Women for the most part are not looking for a father for their children, they are looking for a partner to share their life with.

Thank you for that and I feel better now heading into future events.  There was a woman at one of my past places of employment who liked me.  However, she had a lot of children like you spoke of.  So that was a wise choice not to pursue things. 

[lostandhurt]

Day 73

 Signed up for 3 months on Match so I am reaching the end of my adventure it seems.

 Received a few messages on Match but like usual not interested. Pretty much ran out of options there but I have sent out a few messages with no responses.

 Sent out 2 messages on POF.  Been a while since I was on there and now they only let you send one messages every 24 hours for free.  20 bucks a month for unlimited I guess.  I am patient so I just wait.  Sent one 2 days ago to the woman I saw on Match that her profile kept bleeping in and out and then disappeared. No response

 Sent a message a few hours ago and got a response so we shall see. Her profile is pretty thin on details about her so messaging is a challenge.  She is 56, lives fairly close, pretty and seems like she has her stuff together.  Looks like she just replied to my reply, here we go...

 Lost

[lostandhurt]

Day 74

 A few messages back and forth with the 56 year old on POF yesterday.  Frankly I was less than enthused by her messages.  All she did was answer any question I posed but asked nothing in return or even  elaborated further.  I just logged off and left her last message read.  Just sent her a reply asking her to tell me some things about herself and prompted her to ask me anything she wishes. 

 Lets see if that helps her open up a little.

  Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Frankly I was less than enthused by her messages.  All she did was answer any question I posed but asked nothing in return or even  elaborated further.  I just logged off and left her last message read.  Just sent her a reply asking her to tell me some things about herself and prompted her to ask me anything she wishes. 

 Lets see if that helps her open up a little.

Hi Lost, communicating online can be a real challenge sometimes especially when you meet on an app.

Jmo experience of course but what I have found is that if you want someone to open up to you and share more, "elaborate" as you stated, instead of asking them questions which frankly come off like you're interviewing them for a role they're auditioning for (especially the dreaded "tell me about yourself"), open up about yourself! 

Share a story or two about your life, something interesting that happened to you, or a fun experience.

Engage HER a bit with a story versus asking questions and expecting her to engage you, entertain you if you will with stories about herself.

Lead by example. 

Asking questions is highly overrated imo.  They sound forced when asked without context.

Introduce context; a good conversation even messaging, should flow easily and naturally with both people sharing stories, asking questions in context with those stories and engaging each other!  Naturally, almost effortlessly.

JMO and something I have learned over the years, good luck! 😀

[reinventmyself]

The exchange of messages gets tedious.  Add in - you often don't get much for your investment and it gets monotonous. 

You mentioned you've exchanged a few messages, and it lacks some momentum or it's one sided?  Move it a phone call.  Ask her if she's like to chat on the phone.

I would tell men that I sit in front of a pc all day at work.  I am not terribly inclined to do it some more once I get home. (truth)  I'd offer a phone conversation sooner than later.  Talking to them real time helps move things along, but I was also able to eliminate some after talking to them.  It beats the endless emails.

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Jmo experience of course but what I have found is that if you want someone to open up to you and share more, "elaborate" as you stated, instead of asking them questions which frankly come off like you're interviewing them for a role they're auditioning for (especially the dreaded "tell me about yourself"), open up about yourself! 

I did exactly that.  Every message from me had some tidbits about me or my life but she did not bite on any of them.  I have found that asking a question at the end of a message gives even the most shy or unsure person an open to respond and have something to say and it has worked very well for me. Unfortunately 2-3 words answers with no sharing at all leaves me nothing to converse about.   Her profile is pretty thin on details as well so there are almost no conversation starters. 

Thanks for the tips

 Lost

[lostandhurt]

8 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I'd offer a phone conversation sooner than later.  Talking to them real time helps move things along, but I was also able to eliminate some after talking to them.  It beats the endless emails.

I totally agree and as soon as I can tell if there is at least equal interest I suggest a phone call.  The thing is if a woman suggests a phone call very early on it isn't a safety issue for the man but if a man suggests exchanging digits most women balk if there hasn't been some sort of connection through the safety of the app.  I have had many women offer their phone numbers or even say screw it, lets meet right away for a drink and cut the rest of the stuff out.  Those were refreshing and nice and it showed me they were strong secure women which I admire.  

 Usually after some back and forth I offer my number letting them know I am game to take the conversation off the app whenever they are.  Sometimes my phone rings right away, other times they say thank you but I would prefer to keep the conversation on the app for now. 

 Everyone is different and have their own comfort levels.  In all the first meets I have had 3 times women brought a friend for safety even though we were meeting in a very public place afternoon or early evening.  I didn't mind or take offense but it showed me some are way more cautious than others.

 If she gets back to me I will offer my number and see what happens.

Thanks

 Lost

[Batya33]

I never did conversation starters in typing "I found your profile interesting - if you feel the same please send me your phone number so we can talk and see if it makes sense to meet. Thanks!"  99% of the time I received a phone number -back then could be landlne of course!

[lostandhurt]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I never did conversation starters in typing "I found your profile interesting - if you feel the same please send me your phone number so we can talk and see if it makes sense to meet. Thanks!"  99% of the time I received a phone number -back then could be landlne of course!

Of course you know if a man sent that to women the return rate would not be 99%, more like 10%-20% unfortunately.  I wish it worked that way believe me as I have no desire to draw out anything just for fun or entertainment.

 Lost

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Of course you know if a man sent that to women the return rate would not be 99%, more like 10%-20% unfortunately.  I wish it worked that way believe me as I have no desire to draw out anything just for fun or entertainment.

 Lost

A funny story...

A male friend and I were talking about dating culture (he's happily married, I was fairly recently divorced but in a relationship with someone he knew.) I asked him what he thought would happen if I went up to ten men and said "wanna <eff>?" He said nine of them would say "sure!" and the other one would wait until his wife left and then would come back and say "sure, but we'll have to wait until my wife isn't around." Now, I think this is a cynical view (and I didn't ask the follow up question which was "Are you saying YOU would have said yes?" because I didn't want to know the answer). But definitely interesting.

Also, I imagine if a man approached ten women and asked the same question the reverse would be true...nine responses of "hell no, get away from me you weirdo!" and one "maybe??" 

I do need to add, my male friend has some, um, odd views of men and women and their interactions. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Of course you know if a man sent that to women the return rate would not be 99%, more like 10%-20% unfortunately.  I wish it worked that way believe me as I have no desire to draw out anything just for fun or entertainment.

 Lost

I received that sort of message routinely. I appreciated it as I didn’t want to interact online. I often then asked for their number for safety. I had a landline. 

[lostandhurt]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He said nine of them would say "sure!" and the other one would wait until his wife left and then would come back and say "sure, but we'll have to wait until my wife isn't around."

Funny stuff there but he isn't that far off on the number.  It is just a different dynamic which cannot be ignored. 

Best you didn't ask the follow up question, ignorance is bliss...

Lost

[lostandhurt]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I received that sort of message routinely. I appreciated it as I didn’t want to interact online. I often then asked for their number for safety. I had a landline. 

That may have been true back in the day but things have changed a lot since then.  Being barraged by creeps, youngsters and jerks has made women using OLD leery of handing out there number too quickly.

Lost

[BeaTlesFan77]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

That may have been true back in the day but things have changed a lot since then.  Being barraged by creeps, youngsters and jerks has made women using OLD leery of handing out there number too quickly.

Lost

Agreed, someone always has to ruin it for others. 

[Starlight925]

Just had dinner with a friend who met her husband 15 years ago online.  I couldn’t get through to her how much it’s changed.  
  

[poorlittlefish]

On 2/6/2024 at 1:45 AM, lostandhurt said:

I did exactly that.  Every message from me had some tidbits about me or my life but she did not bite on any of them.  I have found that asking a question at the end of a message gives even the most shy or unsure person an open to respond and have something to say and it has worked very well for me. Unfortunately 2-3 words answers with no sharing at all leaves me nothing to converse about.   Her profile is pretty thin on details as well so there are almost no conversation starters. 

Thanks for the tips

 Lost

Same here.  I touch on something we have in common within our profiles, saying a little about me, ask something of them.  Most of the time they (men, in my case) answer what I've asked, but make no comment on anything I'd said about me and don't ask anything.  If that happens more than a couple of times then I take it as a lack of interest and stop bothering.  

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I do need to add, my male friend has some, um, odd views of men and women and their interactions. 

But he is right. Its much easier to get sex if you are a woman. Its just how things go by default. Not saying 9/10 would say "yes" to any woman but at least a half will to at least average woman. While a man would be left hanging unless he is very handsome that he can pass with that line. 

Which does reflects on online dating too. Online dating wasnt what has been 10-15 years ago. Back then it was a "niche" thing. Where people who didnt had time for real life dating or were more introvert tried to find love. Now its a whole industry. With boom of social media, lots of things, including work, passed on the world wide web. And with Covid and all, even more. So now, lots of interactions are virtual instead of in real life. So, I think over 60% of people use dating sites now according to some poll. Trouble is that lots of them, especially women are there for social media engagement and not dating. So, Lost going over 60 days without even sniffing to a phone number or a date, is not at least surprising. 

And from what I know about Lost he is not some scrub. Has a job, takes care of himself, has a successful youtube channel and a dog. That is something that can attract ladies. So he either

A) shoots high or has a bad approach(we dont know what he writes but from what he says its not that bad) 

B) he runs on the same problem the rest of men do. And that is that online dating isnt what it used to be

And from what he wrote, it is option B. Women where conversation dies down after 2- 3 messages, women who dont even bother to answer etc. Dating sites are 75% men. Which means he competes with 2 other men for 1 Lady. But its not just those 2 men he is competing. Average woman gets 100+ likes/matches on a daily basis alone. Thats is 100 men who like her on a daily basis. Its easy to get lost there(no pun infended lol). As you need to be the top of the line to even sniff a date. And that is if the date is even on the line. As lots of them are just aftering social media engagement or are there for quick and easy fix of men. For example, Lost competition are 30 year old men in some of the cases. No matter if he is after 50 year old Lady. So again, on the Forum we get threads of men who get nothing from online dating. And women who get easy sex from the guys who are only after that as they have 20 others like her. That is the crux of a lot of Forum topics now. Because that is what dating sites have become in most of cases and most of dating has sadly spilled on dating sites and not in real life. So Lost paying for 2 months of paid dating site and having no luck, is really not a surprising outcome.

And I really think he should use that time to try more in real life as it would probably yield him better results. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

That may have been true back in the day but things have changed a lot since then.  Being barraged by creeps, youngsters and jerks has made women using OLD leery of handing out there number too quickly.

Lost

I was for sure. But also it wasn't a cell -so I mean sure that had other safety concerns but it's not like they could bombard me with calls/texts in the same way.  

[Coily]

On 2/6/2024 at 1:48 PM, boltnrun said:

 Now, I think this is a cynical view (and I didn't ask the follow up question which was "Are you saying YOU would have said yes?" because I didn't want to know the answer). But definitely interesting.

Also, I imagine if a man approached ten women and asked the same question the reverse would be true...nine responses of "hell no, get away from me you weirdo!" and one "maybe??" 

I do need to add, my male friend has some, um, odd views of men and women and their interactions. 

If all 10 men where single I would agree with his opinion.

What we are seeing with Lost's log on OLD is pretty true for most men. I know when I started online dating back in the mid 2000s things were a lot more thoughtful. Usually conversations started with a paragraph email and blossomed from there (if they were going to). Now it's really short half formed texts, hardly better than grunting back and forth. Dis heartening to say the least.

I think on of the greatest differences is in how profiles are written. "Back in my day" There was a lot of effort to express oneself and goals, give a little insight into their personality. This was true on paid or free sites. Then the profiles started adding more and more bullet point info and the ✈️ replaced discussions on where one has traveled.  A statement about how a woman is divorced, has two children and if the father is in the picture; is now "Boy mom x2" or "My kids are my whole world." I presume men do the same thing, but I'm not looking at those profiles. lol

My personal opinion is that OLD and current dating culture has over valued women, and undervalued men. Before anyone has a hissy fit, i simply mean that the values women bring to the dating table are distilled down to looks and men are distilled into assets. While insultingly glossing over who the individual is at their core. I would say we see a lot of that on this forum being played out.

 

[boltnrun]

Shoot, on Tinder all you apparently do is look at a photo and swipe. Zero thought put into it. 

[Batya33]

Really interesting! I learned a lot about how online dating sites have changed -I knew some of it but only some.

[lostandhurt]

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

And from what I know about Lost he is not some scrub. Has a job, takes care of himself, has a successful youtube channel and a dog. That is something that can attract ladies.

This made my laugh.  No I am not a scrub by any means.  I do well with women in real life and to my surprise they are extremely attractive and in great physical shape so I am more selective but that is my choice.  I will never meet or date someone just to be with someone, there has to be a spark, excitement and interest on both sides.

  You are spot on with your assessment of OLD as it stands today.  When I first signed up on Match 60 ish days ago my return rate on messages sent was about 40% and I was swinging for the fences to be sure with women as young as 45 replying.  Unfortunately like you mentioned many are using it as entertainment, a casual distraction or to remind themselves they are desired by hundreds of men.  There are women on sites that are seriously looking to meet someone but the ones I am attracted to like you said are bombarded with messages from youngsters compared to me so they get distracted and if they meet the guys used for sex and then dumped.  I have met and talked to several women that went down that path thinking is would be fun which it was they said for a short time.

 I am not complaining at all.  Way back in the day the men held all the cards so it seems only right that women find themselves in the cat birds seat.

 Not a scub

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Day 76 of a scrubs life on OLD 🤪

  Ha ha

 So I sent a message to another 56 year old on Match that lives almost an hour away by car.  Not ideal but it is what it is at this point.  She replied some hours later and on her profile there was a line from her "Bring back the phone!" which to me meant too much texting.  I replied to her message with some tid bits about me as she asked something then I did what was suggested and just offer to take the convo off the app with the following:  "I read your profile a few times and would like to get to know you better, if you feel the same way we can talk on the phone or continue on here as I am game either way"  Then I got crickets for almost a whole day but she did respond saying phone calls are best and hoped my day was going well. I offered my cell number so we could connect (text) to figure out a good time to chat.   That was a few minutes ago so we shall see. 

 The 56 year old from POF has checked my profile a few times in the last few days but has not replied to my last message to her.  Tells me she is semi interested and on the fence or comparing me to some other guy she is chatting with.

 I sent out a few other messages as well on POF but you only get one free message in 24 hours, if you want to send more than one a day you have to pay up.  I think POF leaves very old and abandoned profiles up just to pad their inventory so who knows if those women are even checking in.

  PS  Today is my birthday, just turned 60 so it will be interesting to see how that affects my chances.

Lost

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

  Today is my birthday, just turned 60 so it will be interesting to see how that affects my chances

Happy birthday 🎂