My husband says since I'm home more I should "do" more. He's referring to chores

[boltnrun]

I agree. Refusing to do his laundry or wash all the dishes is definitely adversarial and will do nothing to build a bridge unless the two of you agree to it.

Please do talk to him, but don't announce "I need to talk to you". That puts people instantly on the defensive and the discussion has little chance of being productive. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree. Refusing to do his laundry or wash all the dishes is definitely adversarial and will do nothing to build a bridge unless the two of you agree to it.

Please do talk to him, but don't announce "I need to talk to you". That puts people instantly on the defensive and the discussion has little chance of being productive. 

I don't think it's about refusal but part of conversation so he doesn't feel entitled to having his laundry done.  Like "how about I do the laundry since I'm home more and then you [something that he prefers to do/can do more easily]"  - in her situation I think he needs to "get" that he's not entitled to her doing all the laundry every time

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it's about refusal but part of conversation

Someone else suggested only doing her own laundry and only cleaning what she herself got dirty without having a discussion first. That is in essence refusing. 

My husband ironed his own dress shirts not because I refused to do it but because he himself thought it was unfair to expect me to do something that I had no part of. He packed his own lunch every morning because, he said, HE was eating it, not me. I grocery shopped for the family and he helped put the groceries away, even things he didn't eat (such as avocados, WHO doesn't like avocados lol!). 

So anyway as you and others have said a calm discussion could hopefully help get them in the same page. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I agree. Refusing to do his laundry or wash all the dishes is definitely adversarial and will do nothing to build a bridge unless the two of you agree to it.

Please do talk to him, but don't announce "I need to talk to you". That puts people instantly on the defensive and the discussion has little chance of being productive. 

Yep, the tone of approach is everything. Complaining makes people feel accused, and then they gear up for a defense rather than hearing the real message. So why not approach the message as one of appreciation for all that they bring to the table? From there, you can ask them to join you in solving an issue that you need to address with your own work load?

I like what you raised about praising what you recognize as going well. And that’s why I can credit you for wanting to help me out with something that’s not going so well… This is not just a great management technique for inspiring workers to raise their bar, it can be applied to any kind of relationship where you want to propose cooperation.

 I heard a great metaphor about gardening. Pay the attention to what you want to grow, so you can feed and water that instead of focusing on the weeds and watering those.

[Cherylyn]

Have him do chores which don't require a lot of standing or walking since he has long hours of a physically demanding job.  Have him fold laundry and if he doesn't know how,  teach him.  Give him a stack of paper clutter and have him declutter.  Then you discard unwanted items.  If you're doing any food prep,  have him do a sit down job such as slicing,  plucking herbs,  for example.  Other sit down chores would be paying bills online or online purchases.  Or,  have him leave voicemails regarding important matters.  He can give you sedentary help. 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/19/2023 at 9:07 AM, cuddlebunny777 said:

 . He did once tell that since I'm home more I should do more.

Since you've already discussed this extensively and this is his conclusion, it seems like he thinks you're lounging around all day while he works. If you ran around all day say as a nurse or waitress and he had a wfh desk job, would he do All the household stuff? Probably not. Try to find a better balance such as each of you taking care of your own stuff more.

[cuddlebunny777]

On 9/19/2023 at 7:19 PM, Wonderstruck said:

This is a valid point.

I'm curious what @cuddlebunny777's husband does, beyond working full-time, that contributes to the "team".

Because, as it stands, it sounds like she ALSO works full-time and takes care of the housework. So, what else does HE do, that would warrant her being in charge of the housework component?

He makes breakfast, does the dishes often, (usually when I'm at work) those are the only things he does pretty consistently (usually bc I'm at work) that he doesn't expect me to do it. Everything else he silently expects me to take care of when I'm off work. 

[cuddlebunny777]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Have him do chores which don't require a lot of standing or walking since he has long hours of a physically demanding job.  Have him fold laundry and if he doesn't know how,  teach him.  Give him a stack of paper clutter and have him declutter.  Then you discard unwanted items.  If you're doing any food prep,  have him do a sit down job such as slicing,  plucking herbs,  for example.  Other sit down chores would be paying bills online or online purchases.  Or,  have him leave voicemails regarding important matters.  He can give you sedentary help. 

I just reminded him there was no juice and he came home and asked me if I wanted him to go pick it up. I said I would've liked that.  And he said I should be more considerate. He hasn't stopped on his way home from work for ANYTHING in over 2 months (bc usually I take care of getting stuff when we're running low) and he hasn't gone grocery shopping w me in about a month. 

[boltnrun]

32 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

I just reminded him there was no juice

Did you say "can you please pick up some juice on the way home?" Or did you just expect him to offer without being asked?

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

 he said I should be more considerate. He hasn't stopped on his way home from work for ANYTHING in over 2 months (bc usually I take care of getting stuff when we're running low) and he hasn't gone grocery shopping w me in about a month. 

Why does he accuse you of being inconsiderate if you ask him to pick something up? 

This is why you should do your own shopping and let him do his. This way he can participate instead of "silently expects me to take care of when I'm off work". 

Please stop  mothering him. He's a grown man and knows how to do laundry and grocery shopping. 

[cuddlebunny777]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why does he accuse you of being inconsiderate if you ask him to pick something up? 

This is why you should do your own shopping and let him do his. This way he can participate instead of "silently expects me to take care of when I'm off work". 

Please stop  mothering him. He's a grown man and knows how to do laundry and grocery shopping. 

Bc since he works on his feet all day he doesn't want to walk anymore when he gets off work. And he said why couldn't I do it. I told him I was running around doing other stuff and didn't get the chance. He completely dismissed me and said I should've picked it up since I was already out. 

[cuddlebunny777]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did you say "can you please pick up some juice on the way home?" Or did you just expect him to offer without being asked?

I didn't want to ask because I didn't want him to feel obligated to do it. So yes, I did expect him to offer. He didn't. And got upset about me. Not because I didn't ask but because I wanted him to do it. So, he would've gotten upset at me either way. 
 

also yes I do expect him to offer bc we both drink juice and we both live in the house and know what we need. and yet I never ask him to pick up anything I am always replenishing stuff several times a week so I don't see why he can't do it SOMETIMES. he's just acting like a spoiled brat. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Bc since he works on his feet all day he doesn't want to walk anymore when he gets off work. And he said why couldn't I do it. 

Do you mean wouldn't do it? This is a power struggle.  He wants you to do all the meanial stuff so he can relax after work.  Who took care of this before you got married? 

[cuddlebunny777]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you mean wouldn't do it? This is a power struggle.  He wants you to do all the meanial stuff so he can relax after work.  Who took care of this before you got married? 

I didn't directly ask though. I just said there's no juice and he keep saying it's fine it's fine. I wanted him to offer so that he wouldn't feel obligated and I knew he was just playing dumb because when he got home he asked if I had wanted him to bring it...... I said YES I WOULDVE LIKED THAT. And he said I've been walking all day you need to be more considerate 

 

he usually took care of it before we got married. I'd tell him we're missing something and he'd offer to bring it home w/no problem. Now he doesn't. And the attitude stinks. 

[Batya33]

Order groceries for delivery or pickup.  I don't do perishables for practical reasons (but I do for many heavier items like cleaning supplies).  

Be specific.  It's the same amount of words "we're out of juice -can you pick some up today please?"  Do it by text or email so he has a paper trail. I use reminders on my phone and I add to them as the day goes on.  I used to do a weekly shopping trip but my son's bus stop is now at the supermarket.  So each day I might buy a couple of things. 

If my husband said "we're out of apple juice" (which only he drinks) I'd understand that someone has to buy it, understand that it's probably me since I do all of the shopping -but -unless he said he absolutely needed it that day to me juice is not essential so it would go on my short list in Reminders and if I was going anyway I'd get it.  However if he was out of milk I'd either say "oh use my milk" or "oh thanks -I think I can pick it up today/will let you know if I can't." 

If you need juice to mix with a particular medicine or health supplement I get it.  It's not the out of diapers/formula/coffee/dark chocolate issue at all so he may not have "got" that he needed to make a special stop for that day.

Again order delivery - and yes this is all really nonsense and covering the real issues - you don't have enough juice in your marriage to keep it going if this is your general attitude.  

(Couldn't find your Juice Thread)

[boltnrun]

Thee you go again getting upset because he wasn't a mind reader. I learned a long time ago it's much easier to get what you want when you ASK. Refusing to ask because you think or hope he should just know is an exercise in futility and frustration, as you found. 

This is going to be a very short, very unhappy marriage if you two don't start communicating. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

He usually took care of it before we got married. I'd tell him we're missing something and he'd offer to bring it home w/no problem. Now he doesn't. 

So now you have to nag and bicker every day about who should be doing what? This is a power struggle. You both think the other should do more and be more considerate.

Unfortunately  you're parked in your corners in a standoff engaging in passive aggressive games like mind reading, toxic blame and guilt , excuses and resenting each other.

  It's kind of absurd that two healthy childfree people in their 20s can't even get through the basics of figuring out how to run a household without world war 3 all day every day. So unfortunately talking and negotiating hasn't worked . How does he explain his deceased participation in household stuff? 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

his deceased participation in household stuff? 

Sorry, this made me lol. 

[Andrina]

You're going to have to be concrete about the chores, so the best way to go about this is to have a chore chart you create on a dry erase board, or a chalk board, or a paper calendar. Pick which chores might always be one person's job, like him making breakfast and doing morning dishes, as well as jobs you rotate daily or weekly.

I used to work his schedule and know how I didn't want to do any chores after work. I did my chores in the morning. So be mindful of that. Such as for the evening, if you don't use a dishwasher, dishes could be soaked in a sink of soapy water until they can be washed in the morning. The dishwasher can be unloaded in the morning if you go that route. Or some evenings, you could use paper plates. 

There might be jobs you can do together, and that can be marked on the chart as well. There are also jobs you might let slide some of the time. I don't make the bed unless I'm having company over. In fact, here's a quote from the Internet: "If you make your bed right when you wake up, you trap that moisture in the sheets, allowing dust mites to thrive. The researchers found a simple solution. Just leave the bed unmade. It allowed the moisture to dry up, reducing the dust mites in the bed."

What I would be saying is something like: I love you and want this marriage to be the best it can be. When we each contribute, it makes me feel more peaceful and I have more energy to do fun stuff besides chores.

If he balks or fails to do the chores he is responsible for during the week, you can then speak up one more time, saying something like: When you fail to do your part, it builds up bitterness in me. I'm afraid of what that will do to our marriage.

Hard to know if he's clueless or he doesn't care if you're tired and unhappy. Some clueless people need concrete directions instead of vague expectations. Give the chore chart a try. Perhaps it will be the key to your problem. I'd also speak up about his plans to start his own business, since most new businesses fail. If he doesn't want to walk around all day, he can start applying for desk jobs. Good luck.

[Seraphim]

I am not understanding how people in their 20’s are THIS tired. Yes, working can be exhausting but every single day?( I am close to 60) This sounds like you both need to organize time and groceries better . You both need to communicate. Lots and lots and lots of more communicating and organizing . This isn’t a stand off at the Okay Corral . 
 

Both of you download a household management app and get busy discussing who is doing what and plan out things. If you are getting juice more than a few times a week, you are spending a lot of time running around for no reason. 

[tattoobunnie]

13 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

he said I should be more considerate

ewwwwwwwwww...sorry, that's when you say, "what do I need to be?  You're my partner, and drink juice too.  It shouldn't just be me getting all the groceries."

He is not a child, so if treat him like a child that needs a big compliment every time, that dynamic will never ever die.

[Coily]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

ewwwwwwwwww...sorry, that's when you say, "what do I need to be?  You're my partner, and drink juice too.  It shouldn't just be me getting all the groceries."

He is not a child, so if treat him like a child that needs a big compliment every time, that dynamic will never ever die.

Unfortunately she's treating him like he should read minds in another thread.

14 hours ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

There are two of us in this house, we know what's missing and what isn't. He knows there's no juice. Asking is just unnecessary.

[Jaunty]

I'm old, I've been in a long term marriage that was successful for many years until it wasn't.  Now I'm in a longterm relationship that will last the rest of my lifetime, I'm 99.934293% sure.

One thing I can attest to:  One of the pillars of a strong healthy relationship is communication.  Clear, honest, and straightforward. 

OP, you won't like this, but people's obliviousness can last forever.  SO many people "don't see dirt" or are always going to do something like go to the store "tomorrow."  You come off on your threads as if you are flawless, but I'm sure that if you take an honest look within, you will acknowledge that you have some weak areas yourself.

If you want him to do something you must ask.  That actually puts the ball firmly in his court.  That includes him having the right to refuse to do what you asked, or agree and then fail to do it.  This will lead to a further communication and ultimately may lead to a way of resolution that has the potential to be satisfactory to both parties.

You're setting him up to lose.  

Don't keep that up.  If you want to be married, work on your marriage.  If you don't want to, dissolve it.

[redswim30]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 

If you want him to do something you must ask.  That actually puts the ball firmly in his court.  That includes him having the right to refuse to do what you asked, or agree and then fail to do it.  This will lead to a further communication and ultimately may lead to a way of resolution that has the potential to be satisfactory to both parties.

You're setting him up to lose.  

Don't keep that up.  If you want to be married, work on your marriage.  If you don't want to, dissolve it.

OP, you're at a stale mate.  You're both not communicating effectively.  You're both just assuming things and then being righteously indignant when the other doesn't read your mind. 

One or both of you, ideally- needs to change.  You cannot change someone else.  All you do is change the way YOU respond.   You can ask him to go to counseling with you, and I think you should. 

But nothing is going to magically get better just by WISHING.  You can play this game of " I'm more right" on and on until one (or both) of you gets tired of it and the relationship ends. 

OR you can change your approach.   One is action based, the other is a fantasy. 

You either have to work on things or do nothing and wait for one of you to be "done".  

[Batya33]

My husband did not click on a link for my son and/or remind him to do so.  I asked him to do so a few days ago. I arranged for the link to be sent to him and then asked my husband to implement -division of labor made sense with timing.  So today I had to forward 3 texts to my son that I received because he's not yet signed up to receive them.  It's kinda annoying! And I remind myself of all the times I forget plus all the times he doesn't forget.  It all depends on how you want to live your life and picking battles including not setting him up for failure. 

Big deal if there's no juice.  Not an emergency right? Water is better for you anyway and you just turn on the faucet.  If I ask my husband to pick something up I get 2-4 texts with photos to "confirm" that it's right.  Partly I think it's so I won't ask again. 

But on sunday without my asking he plunged our toilet likely in 10 different cycles till it was fixed.  He's not a handyman.  The next day I was inspired to unclog a sink drain and we both had fun gloating jokingly about our huge accomplishments.  Much more fun than squeezing the life out of him with a juice test.  Would you rather be close and chuckling and laughing -or "right.