My husband says since I'm home more I should "do" more. He's referring to chores

[cuddlebunny777]

My husband works 12 pm to 8 pm 5 days a week, walking all around the airport all day, without the chance to sit down except for on his breaks; he also says he has flat feet so his knees hurt a lot. As you can imagine by the time he gets home, he's exhausted and he just wants to be on the couch. But that's crazy because how must construction workers do life then? We don't have any kids. 

I work a less physically demanding office job also 5 days a week from 9 to 5 at home. Although I am sitting all day, it doesn't mean that I don't get off of work tired. I am actually mentally exhausted but I don't nothing about it because that's when my home shift begins. Whether it's laundry, dishes, or sweeping, making the bed, figuring out dinner, cleaning, grocery trips, you name it during the week it's on me. 

I want to emphasize that at first when we first moved in, my husband was taking care of quite a bit and we were working together on stuff; I've noticed it was really only on his day off, aka Sunday which we have together so we're really only sharing chores that day. But that was fine. But now it's not even on his day off. He usually took care of the cleaning bathtub on his day off but this time I did it. 

Last night I also took care of about 3 laundry loads. Our loads are quite small but it's irritating to know they will just sit there if I don't get to them. He was on his computer doing some stuff and didn't get up until 11:3O pm to ask me if I had left any dinner. 

His only consistent job is making breakfast for us every morning. Everything else, is just sometimes. Making the bed, doing the dishes after breakfast, laundry, etc etc. It's like he picks and chooses a few days to help out but then not others..?

When he gets home from work, he just has dinner and either we watch something, or he plays video games until it's time for bed. And here's the thing: sometimes he helps in the evening and other times he doesn't. It's like he doesn't have a consistent thing. It's like he gets a free pass on housework for the week and only does it on random days lol. I don't think that's fair as I don't get a single day from anything!!!. I don't feel like my day truly ends until I go to sleep. I clock out of work and into the house. I'm exhausted. Even on his days off I help HIM and we do stuff together. We meal prep together for the week. He will VERY occasionally put a load in, and I end up folding. And yet I'll do laundry and it just sits in the dryer if I don't take it out. If I fold it, it just stays on the couch. I have to ask him to put it away. Sometimes he doesn't even make the bed before he leaves and he's the last to get up. The last laundry load was in the dryer for a week before I took it out. 

I understand his job is physically exhausting but these tiny things don't take much time or effort do they? Also, how would he do anything if he lived alone? I can already see he'd have an extremely hard time.
 

I feel bad asking us to divide the chores because I want to believe he truly does what he can but at what point does it just become laziness and an unspoken expectation of me to just take care of as much house labor as possible because I'm home more often. . . He did once tell that since I'm home more I should do more, and I have a hard time agreeing with that. 

Also, since he really only gets 1 day to himself, he uses that day to just rest. He will take a nap and then take the rest of the day to do something he didn't get to do during the week. He helps with dishes, but there's the issue. He just helps. As if it's MY job and he just has to help. 

Should I give him a pass since his work schedule and job is more physically demanding or should he be expected to still pick up his fair share of things?

He's tried arch support, says they don't make much of a difference. 

I feel resentful because if I'm doing most of the chores a lot AND I'm still working the same or even more hours as him, what's even the point of having him around?! I'd honestly rather take care of it all myself and not have him, than have to  ask someone to pls pick up their fair share that they would have to do anyway if they lived alone. So this is pathetic. 
 

 

[Seraphim]

Can I ask why you got married? This is a lot of complaining for four months in. 
 

I would get a cleaning service if the both of you are too exhausted. Get someone who comes once a week to do the heavy cleaning jobs and make a chart for the daily things and you both get to decide what you want to do that day . 

[cuddlebunny777]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Can I ask why you got married? This is a lot of complaining for four months in. 
 

I would get a cleaning service if the both of you are too exhausted. Get someone who comes once a week to do the heavy cleaning jobs and make a chart for the daily things and you both get to decide what you want to do that day . 

Sometimes I ask myself the same thing. I mean I did it because I love him, but I truly always wondered if we were really ready. 
 

a cleaner would be ideal yes, but I doubt we can't afford that. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, cuddlebunny777 said:

Sometimes I ask myself the same thing. 
 

a cleaner would be ideal yes, but I doubt we can't afford that. 

Did you get married rather quickly without knowing each other well enough ? 

[cuddlebunny777]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Did you get married rather quickly without knowing each other well enough ? 

I think so yeah. A year and a half. Now I feel our relationship has all of this pressure that wasn't really there before. And the little things are now becoming huge. All because were married. It doesn't feel like a choice anymore. I know we're trying but it's really hard bc I don't know if we're just having a hard time adjusting to each other or if we're just forcing things to fit where they just don't.

[Seraphim]

Maybe it is time for relationship counselling . There is also a period of time where you get used to the person. It takes time to work things out . Don’t make everything a hill to die on though . 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Can I ask why you got married? This is a lot of complaining for four months in. 
 

I would get a cleaning service if the both of you are too exhausted. Get someone who comes once a week to do the heavy cleaning jobs and make a chart for the daily things and you both get to decide what you want to do that day . 

Exactly my thoughts and exactly what I was going to suggest. Throw $ at the problem. Also no need to cook meals for him. He can get his own dinner at times. Or do take out. Particularly since you don’t have kids. 

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

Sometimes I ask myself the same thing. I mean I did it because I love him, but I truly always wondered if we were really ready. 
 

a cleaner would be ideal yes, but I doubt we can't afford that. 

Did you wonder like idly fleetingly or in reality intensely and  if the latter why did you get married ?

[boltnrun]

Before you two got married what did you decide regarding household chores?

[cuddlebunny777]

31 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe it is time for relationship counselling . There is also a period of time where you get used to the person. It takes time to work things out . Don’t make everything a hill to die on though . 

That is precisely my problem. I always seem to have one foot and one foot out. Not because I want to, but because immediately when something disappoints me, I'm too quick to try and address it bc for me it's about the bigger principle.

 

I can honestly overlook the flower things but this I cannot. I have a feeling that my husband wants to feel like he's living back home at his moms house where she took care of everything and that I cannot overlook. This is a hill I have to die on. If things get into this routine, they will stay there and I will grow resent to the point of no return. 

[itsallgrand]

I used to work a really physically demanding job. The reality is when I lived alone I ate a lot of super simple grab food, like buying a roast chicken and turning that into sandwiches etc. Laundry didn't get done every second day like it does now, and chores waited until I had the energy. It's fine when you are alone but doesn't really work when you live with a partner. He may need some time adjusting. But be careful not to rush to thinking it's hopeless or he has bad intent every time something isn't working. Give him a chance to work it out with you.  

When you are calm (not right after seeing a pile of laundry annoys you, been there where I didn't pick the right time!) ...then you talk to him about this. And it's not a problem to fix for you, it's you as a couple needing to work out some expectations and work divide.

No, I don't think all should fall on you. 

One thing that really helped us was figuring out what chores each of us don't mind and which we hate. I can't stand mopping, I don't know why. He doesn't mind it, so he does that one. As an example. 

 

[cuddlebunny777]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Before you two got married what did you decide regarding household chores?

We didn't really talk about it until we moved in. And we just said we each do what we can. I didn't think that would mean me doing most of it though. If so, I would have asked us to outline things more specifically. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

We didn't really talk about it until we moved in. And we just said we each do what we can. I didn't think that would mean me doing most of it though. If so, I would have asked us to outline things more specifically. 

Then as others have suggested, outline things more specifically now. Have a calm discussion about the division of household chores. 

I doubt he doesn't care about your feelings regarding chores and if he actually doesn't care I would question why.

[Lambert]

Have you talked about this?  it seems from your title you have but is that just your thoughts? 

What's he like to talk to about this? Does he communicate and listen or does it always turn it into a fight or he's the victim? That's very important.  One you can work with, the other you can't. 

If he's not able to work an alt shift and maintain a life, maybe a job change is required. 

What's the point of life if you're stuck in a sleep, work, repeat cycle? 

If he didn't have you, what would he do?

While his situation may require temporary support from you, it's not a long term solution. I think its important to convey two key aspects: you want to be supportive but resentment will set in if you're not working together. 

If both people work full time then chores are shared. Sorry his hours stink. What's he doing about that? 

[Seraphim]

The thing is people don’t just know how to be married . It takes communication and adjustment . Four months isn’t long in the grand scheme of things. Print out a chore chart. Both of you decide what is equitable and divide the chores. Even if he brings home take out on his cook night that is ok. If you want your marriage to succeed co-operation and compromise and communication are the key. Loving someone is very easy. Living together , that is a different kettle of fish. 

[Seraphim]

Our early years were rough . We moved in together a year before we got married . My husband knew how to do exactly zero. Basically his parents raised him and his sister like this: you’re a moron so sit there . We can do it faster and better. 
 

I taught him everything . He had no clue he had to do anything. It took a lot of time and patience.31 years later he is very good at the chores he does. 

[cuddlebunny777]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Did you wonder like idly fleetingly or in reality intensely and  if the latter why did you get married ?

In reality intensely. lol I just chucked it up to paranoia and/or general anxiety as I get with everything. 

[cuddlebunny777]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Exactly my thoughts and exactly what I was going to suggest. Throw $ at the problem. Also no need to cook meals for him. He can get his own dinner at times. Or do take out. Particularly since you don’t have kids. 

For dinner I just eat the same meal, leftovers. sometimes I make him a sandwich and have it waiting for him when he gets off work, sometimes he just has a snack. But I don't ever cook dinner. 

[cuddlebunny777]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

The thing is people don’t just know how to be married . It takes communication and adjustment . Four months isn’t long in the grand scheme of things. Print out a chore chart. Both of you decide what is equitable and divide the chores. Even if he brings home take out on his cook night that is ok. If you want your marriage to succeed co-operation and compromise and communication are the key. Loving someone is very easy. Living together , that is a different kettle of fish. 

Yeah I thought about doing the chore chart. I don't know quite how to bring it up in a non-accusatory tone so I will have to brainstorm that. 

[cuddlebunny777]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Have you talked about this?  it seems from your title you have but is that just your thoughts? 

What's he like to talk to about this? Does he communicate and listen or does it always turn it into a fight or he's the victim? That's very important.  One you can work with, the other you can't. 

If he's not able to work an alt shift and maintain a life, maybe a job change is required. 

What's the point of life if you're stuck in a sleep, work, repeat cycle? 

If he didn't have you, what would he do?

While his situation may require temporary support from you, it's not a long term solution. I think its important to convey two key aspects: you want to be supportive but resentment will set in if you're not working together. 

If both people work full time then chores are shared. Sorry his hours stink. What's he doing about that? 

 my issue is: he SEES that most of the stuff falls on me and doesn't SAY anything about it. It's almost as if he's okay w the way things are now, now that I am taking care of most things. It's like he wanted to get to this place because that's where he is the most comfortable.
 

Otherwise, the way we were doing things before where he was taking care of more things, he didn't like it. It was a bit more even I think, but he started complaining. I think that's what aggravates me even more. And prevents me from even having a calm discussion because it's like "do you even NOTICE that the household labor is falling a little uneven?!" And then I feel like I sound insane. 
 

Regarding his hours, he is actually looking into quitting to start multiple businesses and side jobs, which of course is going to take even MORE of his time. I truly wonder how the chore division will be then. I truly see it ALL falling on me. 

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

 my issue is: he SEES that most of the stuff falls on me and doesn't SAY anything about it. It's almost as if he's okay w the way things are now, now that I am taking care of most things. It's like he wanted to get to this place because that's where he is the most comfortable.
 

Otherwise, the way we were doing things before where he was taking care of more things, he didn't like it. It was a bit more even I think, but he started complaining. I think that's what aggravates me even more. And prevents me from even having a calm discussion because it's like "do you even NOTICE that the household labor is falling a little uneven?!" And then I feel like I sound insane. 
 

Regarding his hours, he is actually looking into quitting to start multiple businesses and side jobs, which of course is going to take even MORE of his time. I truly wonder how the chore division will be then. I truly see it ALL falling on me. 

As a business owner if he isn’t motivated without the benefit of having to be somewhere or you don’t get paid this might not be for him. To run a business you have to be pretty motivated internally within yourself. 

[mylolita]

Maybe this is a bit of a dated and unpopular opinion, but this is why the traditional male and female roles work easily and clearly - it’s spelled out and there is no ambiguity to anyone’s role!

 

I’m a housewife and 100% of the cleaning and cooking is on me, and looking after our 3 children who are the ages 5 and under. My husband runs his own business and works away at least once a month. 
 

A lot of people sometimes think this seems unfair, but I will say the bonus of these “non-negotiable” roles is that, it’s clear! He brings home the bacon, I fluff the cushions, and there is no debate needed! 
 

I would suggest maybe trying to secure what you both do, and make it pretty much just “your job” - for example, he could always take out the rubbish on bin night, without exception, unless maybe he’s really sick or not home for some reason. Choose some jobs you both want to do, and stick with it maybe? Saves for confusion and delay!!! 
 

This maybe an old fashioned approach, but I always think it takes a very harmonious and synchronised couple to get everything 50/50 and always be noting who did what when and where and how much, and matching each other on jobs and chores throughout the week - our lives are too busy to keep score or track of these things!

 

With men, you gotta keep it simple! For example, he does the dishes on a Sunday, you cook, and he always makes the bed. Something like that! 
 

x

[boltnrun]

I'm going to turn your question back around to you. If you were single who would be doing the laundry, taking out trash, washing dishes, etc.?

Also, starting a discussion with "do you even NOTICE" probably won't be received well. Try saying something like "I feel the chores are not currently evenly divided so I'd like to talk about how we can make things more even."

[mylolita]

Just now, Seraphim said:

As a business owner if he isn’t motivated without the benefit of having to be somewhere or you don’t get paid this might not be for him. To run a business you have to be pretty motivated internally within yourself. 

OP,

 

Most people will sit back and let someone else pick up the slack, especially if they think the other person is okay with it or they don’t know the other people is unhappy, sometimes some people don’t care either.

 

You need to sit down with your husband, tell him honestly and fairly how you feel, and get a plan and stick to it! 
 

x

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, cuddlebunny777 said:

In reality intensely. lol I just chucked it up to paranoia and/or general anxiety as I get with everything. 

I think that's the real issue here.